It’s Frank J.’s birthday today, and we here at IMAO will be holding a week-long celebration of his uterine expulsion anniversary.
Why a week?
Because we’re still awaiting Congressional approval to name June “National Frank J. Month”.
I blame those confounded obstructionist Republicans for keeping it bottled up in committee.
Anyway, to kick things off, here are some fun facts about the birthday boy.
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1) Although not 1/32 Cherokee, Frank IS proud to be 33/32 improper fraction.
2) A former resident of Florida, Frank once successfully divided by zero. On November 7th, 2000. You may be familiar with the aftermath.
3) Frank once peed on a cat’s head. Never made a helicopter out of one, though.
4) As an unknown blogger, Frank accused Glenn Reynolds of blending puppies. Now he’s a marginally important author. Ya gotta wonder what filthy lie Stephenie Meyer told to get where she is today. The current scientific consensus is “sparkly vampires are interesting.”
5) As a young patent clerk, Frank developed the Theory of Relativity. He gets no credit for it, since on the one day he forgot to bring his lunch money, he was forced to give the theory away to avoid a beating at the hands of that bully Einstein.
6) Frank also invented the internet. Same story, different bully.
7) Frank owns a machine that allows him to travel to a parallel universe. Most of his “In My World” stories are plagiarized from the New York Times there, where most people know him as “Jayson B.”
8) Frank is an expert marksman, hitting his target a staggering 99.997% of the time he aims to misbehave.
9) According to WhatFrankEats.com, Frank subsists primarily on a diet of stoats, voles, and marmots. But in a pinch, he’s been known to eat woodpeckers.
10) Frank once punched a hippie in Reno, just to watch him cry.
11) If Frank bites you, you become Aquaman.
12) While Frank was sequencing dinosaur DNA to make it rocket-launcher compatible, a simple typo resulted in the creation of the Occupy Wall Street movement. Remember, spellcheck is your friend.
13) Frank cast the deciding vote revoking planetary status from Pluto. Just another corrupt tool of Big Planet lobbyists.
14) Frank was the second human to win the Boonta Eve Classic pod race. Every night he sleeps in fear that George Lucas will make a movie about his journey to the Dark Side.
15) In 2006, Frank founded a bizarre, Bugs Bunny-worshiping cult, despite having never once personally missed that left turn at Albuquerque.
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So… if Lucas ever made that Frank J. movie, whaddya suppose it’d be called?
So… if Lucas ever made that Frank J. movie, whaddya suppose it’d be called?
FrankJ: The Blogger Strikes Back
Revenge of theReturn of the Hippie Puncher“Revenge of the S#!t!”
Oh, wait, that was eithre his home movie from his vacation to Baja or he’s dyslexic. How about…
“Attach of the Clowns!”
Al Gore? Color me worried.
Frank J – The ed. who put the E the D and the I in Jedi. Then took ’em back out. Then kept the E and he D for the name of his evil alter ego. Part IV.
JAR JAR BINKS: Frankie J, I am very much your whippity dippity father, yes I am.
SoB – I’m sure Lucas has enough creativity to come up with an entirely original character for Frank’s sidekick, like Bottle-Bottle Binks.
“So… if Lucas ever made that Frank J. movie, whaddya suppose it’d be called?”
“Tatooine Beach Party”.
Frank J. plays a frumpy, bearded anthropologist pretending to be a beach comber while he secretly studies the mating rituals of the Tusken Raiders. It’s all fun and games until a speeder bike gang led by Jar Jar Von Binks kidnaps Frank and sells him to Jabba the Hut to be used as a sex slave. It’s a Hooting good time.
Frank J. in a gold Bikini……. I’d Hut That!
“8) Frank is an expert marksman, hitting his target a staggering 99.997% of the time he aims to misbehave.”
Harvey, you are incorrect, sir. Frank is only sure that he’s 99 and 44/100’s percent purely aiming at a bar of Ivory soap rather than using it!! It’s the smell!
Also what you both are not telling us is that Frank J. is the future Johnny Carson and you, Harvey, are the next Ed McMahon. I’m wondering if it shouldn’t be the other way around.
One other thing. Sarah K. reports that Frank falls asleep every night uttering strange sentences in pure Boolean logic – and gets it WRONG!
In 20006, Frank founded a bizarre, Bugs Bunny-worshiping cult,…
Are we going to have to wait until 20006 to join Frank’s cult? Can that be done retro-actively?
And when you we get to use the [whatever] [whatever] Space Demodulator on the Moon instead of Earth?
Doh!
[…]
Fixed.
Thanks for catching that.