[Via Voices Inside My Head]
Rifle scope and laser range finder.
Single pulse laser, so it can’t be spotted by other snipers or night-vision devices.
Puts the red target dot on the screen, not on your target. They won’t see it coming.
Archive of entries posted on 2nd July 2012
Pelosi Calls for Animal Sacrifices to Secure Obama Reelection
WASHINGTON (AP) – House Democrat Leader Nancy Pelosi credited the Supreme Court’s upholding of Obamacare’s individual mandate to the late Democrat Senator Ted Kennedy’s angelic intervention, saying, “I knew that when he left us he would go to heaven and help pass the bill.” Pelosi then encouraged people to “use whatever wacky religious beliefs they had” to help get President Obama reelected.
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“I figure,” said Pelosi, “that if a greedy, gluttonous, lusty, slothful, adulterous murderer can sit at God’s right hand and pull invisible strings instead of doing the 9-circles-tour, maybe some other crazy schemes might help support Obama, too. I think Mexicans like chicken sacrifices, and since Obama just gave a million of ’em a free pass, Foghorn Leghorn should lose his melon for the greater good.”
Former Obama adviser and current Democrat candidate for Senate in Massachusetts Elizabeth Warren said she supported Pelosi’s “Voodoo the Vote” initiative.
“Being 1/32 Cherokee,” said the blond-haired, blue-eyed, high-cheekboned Native American, “I have great faith in my people’s ability to propitiate angry gods and win their blessings. Last month, I was moccasining around my teepee doing a raindance, and now half the country is plagued by drought, record high temperatures, and wildfires. Turned out I was doing the dance backwards.”
“Hey, I said I AM Cherokee. Never said I could read instructions written in it,” Warren said petulantly.
Although admitting to some skepticism over the program, corrupt and censured Democrat Congressman Charlie Rangel offered his support as well.
“Yeah, the chicken thing might work,” said Rangel. “But they need to do it right. I hear the best way to kill a chicken when trying to appease mighty spirit forces is to seal it up in a cardboard box until it suffocates.”
“But we should not let the perfect become the enemy of the good,” said Rangel solemnly. “If you don’t have a chicken, then suffocate the cash equivalent of a chicken in a cardboard box. Then address the box of suffocated cash to me and drop it in a mailbox. I’ll see that it gets a decent burial.”
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UPDATE: Linked by YouViewed
UPDATE: Linked by Democrats United
You’ve Been Judged!
Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “Obama just proposed a new piece of legislation…”
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
30-Second Metaphor for Obamacare
Ya know, I wasn’t sure this was a good Obamacare metaphor until after the 22-second mark. Then I was positive.
[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #460,120)
Starring:
Barack Obama as Wanted To Save Money Dad
Paulie Possum as Obamacare
Your Kids as The People Stuck With A Healthcare System They Didn’t Want.
“There’s an easier way to save: Free Markets”
Link of the Day: How to Prepare for a Zombie Apocalypse – Practice, Practice, Practice
[High Praise! to HokieGomer]
The Zombie Shopping Mall Experience
In this spectacular ‘full immersion’ experience, you’ll be briefed and armed by the Police Special Zombie Bashing Unit. They’ll fill you in on the full, unfolding, undead apocalypse that is going down in Reading town. An apocalypse that, for once, you didn’t cause, but will have to try and fix.
Then you’ll hit the spooky, deserted shopping mall, but you won’t be shopping for that lovely little Pashmina you saw in Littlewoods. Instead, you and your team will be depleting the zombie population with full Bronson-style perspicacity. Using state of the art special effects and large, blood-inducing props you’ll tackle a series of computer game like missions in a full-on ‘run and gun’ gore fest.
Sadly, only available in the UK right now, but I could easily imagine US versions popping up. I mean, Detroit’s practically set up for a city-wide event right now. Just add bath-salts.
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
The Fine Print
IMAO & AMERICA IS AN OBAMANATION EXCLUSIVE!!! Must credit IMAO & America is an Obamanation!
I have obtained, from a well-placed source, the copy of the United States Constitution used by Chief Justice John Roberts as a reference during the deliberations over the recent Obamacare ruling, and it explains everything!
All you need to do is to read the fine print. Do you see it? Down there at the bottom of the document?
Still don’t see it, let me point it out. See it now?
Having trouble reading it? Okay, here, let’s zoom in closer…
{Click on the image for a better look.]
It not only explains this latest ruling, it explains the entire Obama Presidency! Oh… and we’re all screwed!!!
Cross-posted at America is an Obamanation!
From the People Who Brought You Mandatory Health Insurance
World’s Hardest Quiz – What’s Wrong With This Picture?
10 Reasons Why Obama Is Like a Bad Boyfriend
I noticed #ObamaIsLikeABadBoyfriend is trending on Twitter, so let’s explore this theme:
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1) Always bringing us flowers and candy. The flowers he stole from our garden. They’ve still got bees. We’re allergic. Speaking of allergies – peanuts!… and the candy is Snickers.
2) He doesn’t throw pebbles at our window at night. He sends the EPA over with shotguns and flash-bang grenades.
3) Whispers sweet nothings to us and calls us by the wrong name. Check. Check. Double check.
4) Says he loves us, but he’s always making eyes at our hot Latina cousin.
5) We WANT to trust him, but he never looks us in the eyes when he talks – just keeps looking left, right, left, right…
6) We spend hours slaving over a hot stove, cooking him a fancy romantic dinner. All he says is “needs more poodle.”
7) Look, we knew he wasn’t really religious (“just spiritual, baby”) but would it kill him to once, just ONCE, go to church with us instead of going to the golf course with his buddies?
8) Take us out to see the MLB All-Star game, and we get all set up in a fancy skybox to watch him throw out the first pitch. He shows up in Mom Jeans. MOM JEANS! The worst part, though, were all those “why do you stay with him?” pitying looks from our friends. That, and not having a paper bag to wear home.
9) Tried to make up for the All-Star game fiasco by taking us out to see the White Sox. Drove around for SIX HOURS because he couldn’t find “Cominskey Field“. Yeah, we missed the game.
10) Says he’ll meet us for at a spendy restaurant for dinner at 7 to make up for the Sox game fiasco. Get there… turns out he got there at 6. He ordered a big steak dinner, martini, all that stuff, and then he accused us of running up the tab, and stormed out in a huff.
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And of course the WORST thing – which seems too obvious to even mention, really – is it turns out HE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
Although one look at the way Michelle’s let herself go, and it’s not hard to see why Barry would be on the prowl.
Obama Beats Romney Soundly in This Category
[High Praise! to Tony for the link]
A new National Geographic poll shows that people think Obama would be a better choice than Romney to handle an invasion from space aliens.
Yes, of course he would… as long as they don’t attack America from the south.
Government Saves America, $17 at a Time
[High Praise! to Arik]
(Yes, that’s the real Medicare reimbursement rate. Or “savings”, in GovSpeak).
Straight Line of the Day: Obama’s Perfect Solution to Illegal Immigration
American Poverty: Fantasy v. Reality
Forget Disney World – THIS Is the Place for Family Fun
A little business in Minnesota called Drive A Tank that lets YOU, Joe and Jane America, get behind the controls of and drive a real tank.
Sadly, you don’t get to shoot the tank because Minnesota law prohibits firing guns from a moving vehicle. However, for a price, they will let you use the tank to drive over and crush a car.
No word on whether they have a package allowing you to drive over the full text of Obamacare.
Will This Be Mandatory Under Obamacare?
[via Technabob]
The Ben & Jerry’s Pint Lock
Yes, it’s a combination lock to restrict access to pint containers of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream.
No word yet on how much the tax will be for not owning one, but you can expect the government to set the combination and keep it safely tucked away in their “secure database” as a convenience to you, the taxpayer.
(Combination available upon completion of the 33-page request form and approval by Michelle Obama.)