Archive of entries posted on 25th June 2013

You’ve Been Judged!

Posted by on

Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to If President Obama Uses the NBA to Help Peddle Obamacare…

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, Anonymiss has got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

Taliban vs. Obama

Posted by on

[High Praise! to After Math]


[full size pic]

Great Question About That Surveillance Program

Posted by on

[High Praise! to Irritable Pundit]

Link of the Day: Satire – New Tax Form: 1040 TEA-EZ

Posted by on

[High Praise! to EdthePastor and SooperMexican]

Mexclusive!! IRS Releases New Simplified Tax Form 1040 TEA-EZ for Tea Party Taxpayers!!

BONUS LINK: [High Praise! to jw and Sondrakistan]

*badump*dum*

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

We Have to Pass the Memo to Find Out What’s in It

Posted by on

The “carbon cost” that the government uses to calculate the need for regulations was recently doubled in a little noticed rule-change memo.

Guess the highly-scientific rule-coin must’ve come up heads.

Obama Warned Us – Progress

Posted by on

If you’re walking down the right path and you’re willing to keep walking, eventually you’ll make progress.

BARACK OBAMA, Bloomington Pantagraph, Feb. 25, 2005

The road to socialism: It’s paved with treadmills.

Straight Line of the Day: Scientists Have Invented a Smart Pill That Can Remember Your Passwords. What We REALLY Need Is a Pill That…

Posted by on

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

“Scientists have invented a smart pill that can remember all your passwords. What we REALLY need is a pill that…”

I Miss the Dream Act

Posted by on

So now they are debating the amnesty bill that no one has read yet either.  Guess what?  I read it.  Here are some things I bet you hadn’t heard were in it:

  • For each person that gets amnesty, $25 in subsidies go to Taco Bell.
  • Any card will be considered a valid work visa as long as it is green.
  • Del Taco Frequent Diner cards can be used as valid ID for all government interactions.
  • For each undocumented worker who becomes a legal citizen, a white republican will be catapulted across the Mexican border.
  • It proclaims that Marco Rubio will be granted dictatorship of the new nation of Flori-Cali-Tex-Mexico.
  • The border fence will be constructed, but in order to contain costs, it will be made by undocumented workers using the driftwood they floated upon to cross the Gulf.
  • Undocumented French Canadians will be considered varmints and may be hunted at will.  The Department of the Interior will pay 25 pesos per pelt.
  • To mitigate the effect on global warming, those employing formerly undocumented workers will need to pay a carbon tax to offset the increased methane production caused by the cuisine of the immigrant workers.
  • The government is requiring that a minimum of 20 seatbelts be mandatory in the beds of all pickup trucks.
  • All restaurants will be required to keep a mariachi band on staff.
  • All firearms acquired through the Fast and Furious program will not be subject to current gun control laws.
  • Obamacare will now be covering medicinal meth, heroin and cocaine.
  • The term ‘anchor baby’ will now officially refer to the legal post birth aborting of babies and the processing of the bodies for maritime use, which the bill mandates.
  • Menedez is granted the right of prima nocta for all current undocumented workers who enter the path to citizenship.
  • All individuals currently waiting in line to legally become citizens will be given a one way bus ride to Mexico so they can sneak across the border and get in the easy line.
  • For both men and women, Obamacare will require all states to cover mustache waxing.
  • I can’t speak Spanish, so I don’t know what this means, but there were numerous oblique references to an initiative known as Soyllento Verde (o Comemos los Gringos Blanco con Chiles).
  • No penalty may be affixed to or compensation awarded for damage to life, limb or property if the damage is caused by bullets fired into the air in a celebratory manner.

You’ve Been Judged!

Posted by on

Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “The Most Impressive Feature in NPR’s New 400,000 Square Foot HQ…”

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, Anonymiss has got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

Those wacky German scientists

Posted by on

RobotMonkeyI must hand it to Frank J. He’s warned us about robots in the past. He’s also warned us about monkeys for years.

But now, we have a whole new worry. Yes, some mad scientists at the German Research Center for Artificial Intelligence have combined robots and monkeys. They’ve invented a robot ape.

Why?

I don’t know.

Of all the things that have happened in this world when you get a bunch of German scientists together, the only thing I can think of that’s been, well, not scary as hell, was when they put Americans on the moon. Other than that, I’m not thinking German scientists have a good track record.

Maybe we can help the Germans out. They’re smart people; they just need a little guidance.

What’s a good use for a giant German robot ape? Besides climbing a skyscraper with Robot Fay Wray, that is. I mean, there’s got to be a use for one, right? Otherwise, the why would the Germans have built one?

What do you think? What are the Germans up to? And how can we use a giant German robot ape to benefit mankind?

UPDATE (from Harvey): Springeraz [High Praise!] may have discovered the correct answer.

Every Good Bureaucracy Needs a Logo

Posted by on

[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]