So there’s a new campaign from Michelle Obama: Getting people to drink more water.
Really? Is this a problem in the U.S.? People are dying of dehydration because they don’t know they should have a glass of water? It’s almost like the administration got so annoyed by Michelle’s health crusades that they’re just giving her busy work now.
Well, as long as the government is aiming so low as “make sure you drink some water,” here’s some other health campaign ideas if there are more people we need to give some busy work to keep them out of the way (like most of Congress):
LAZY HEALTH CAMPAIGNS
* Breathing: Make sure you’re breathing, America! And if you need more energy, try taking a few extra breaths each day.
* Sitting: Are you legs tired? Remember to sit! Use a chair if you can. If no chair is available, there are numerous methods for sitting on the ground that the government an educate you on.
* Sleeping: Doctors recommend you sleep at least once per day. You will be incapacitated while sleeping, so don’t do it while driving or operating heavy machinery.
* Toilets: Remember to relive waste in designated areas and not near your dining table or anywhere else you commonly eat.
* Touching Stoves: Don’t touch hot stoves. If you have your hand on a stove and pain receptors are firing off within your hand, that’s a good indication you need to quickly get it away from that stove.
* Wells: If you see a sign that says, “CAUTION: Well in area,” be careful. Remember the saying: “Be well; don’t fall down a well.”
* Tree Awareness: It can hurt to walk into trees, so make sure you keep aware of your distance from trees at all times. A good method is to use eyesight, but you can also use your ears to detect nearby trees by listening for the sound of wind rustling leaves.
* Badger Face Proximity: Doctors recommend you always keep at least six feet between your face and a badger.
* Hugging Porcupines: While porcupines, like all animals, needs hugs, this should only be done by professionals wearing special porcupine hugging outfits.
* Gorilla Teasing: Gorillas are much like feminists: They’re large, hairy, and have no sense of humor. Scientists recommend you do not tease them out of the confines of a lab such as the one at Maryland’s Gorilla Teasing Institute.
* Eating Pine Cones: Though they’re brown spikiness screams deliciousness, don’t eat pine cones. They’re hard to chew and provide no useful nutrition. But if you do eat one, it’s not really a big deal so don’t worry about it.
* Sexually Molesting Alligators: It’s a bad idea for numerous reasons.
Who is in charge of telling us when to *stop* drinking water?
Is beer a suitable substitute for water?
* Petting Spiders: Of course you love pet spiders (who doesn’t?), but petting brown recluse and black widow spiders must be done very carefully by trained, culturally-sensitive adults. If you get bit, you’re doing it wrong – and may die!
Damn. Now all those warning labels on everything will have to be updated. Warning: Do not use this ladder while sleeping. Serious injury may result. Warning: Do not drink more than 800 glasses of water per day.
* Tampon Disposal: Ladies, there’s no way around it. You simply must STOP flushing Tampons down your toilets – especially into septic tanks!
* Changing Your Car’s Oil: Try putting the drip pan in place BEFORE you unscrew the drain plug, okay?
* Training Wasps To Know You: If you’re brave, it can be done, but you must present your face to their nest repeatedly over several weeks while the new ones hatch. After that, they’ll leave you alone. (Hey, I’m not making this up! It’s true.)
* Yellow Jackets At The Picnic Table: Likewise, it’s considered bad form to panic and swat at yellow jackets on your plate. As a single mode, stinging wasp, they’re in “feeding mode” and can’t sting you during their quest. They’re simply trying to invite themselves in to your little fun feast. Let them eat!
Bourbon is about half water. If I double my bourbon intake, do I get an award from Michelle?
at least she realizes that the people that voted for them are so stupid they often forget to breathe, drink water, blink, etc…
She is obviously getting kick backs from Big Water to push this.
@5 jimmy,
can i swat the ones from Georgia Tech?
Absolutely, jw, but be careful. I hear they eat AND sting at the same time, because, ah, um… they’re from Georgia!
I need a government agency to advise me on sneezing. Do I sneeze into my hand or hands? I’ve seen a Dr. sneeze into the bend of his arm, is that acceptable with out a PhD? Saw my mechanic sneeze toward the ground, is that legit? My grandpa held his nose and contained his sneezes, could that be why he was hard of hearing? Can anyone point me to the right agency?
@11 – Try the EPA, Ed. They’re snotty experts on… snot.
With all due apologies, I realize that your original post was more concise due to available space and a pressing schedule. But, I have taken the liberty to expand your list with available links provided:
LAZY HEALTH CAMPAIGNS FROM THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION:
* Daily Breathing Campaign: Make sure you’re breathing, America! And if you need more energy, try taking a few extra breaths each day especially when fielding questions without a teleprompter. Other details can be had @ http://www.barackobama.com/uhhh_that_is_ummm/
* Daily Sitting Campaign: Are your legs tired? Remember to sit! Use a chair if you can. If no chair is available, there are numerous methods for sitting on the ground that the government can educate you on. Visit; http://www.sitonit.gov
* Daily Sleeping Campaign: Doctors recommend you sleep at least once per day. Warning! You will be incapacitated while sleeping, so don’t do it while driving or operating heavy machinery or serving in congress. For approved Obama administration guidelines go to; http://www.barackobama.com/no_3am_phonecalls/
* Daily Toilet Campaign: Remember to relieve waste in designated areas and not near your dining table or anywhere else you commonly eat. Note: This campaign is not effective with a previous government issued set of guidelines for the “occupy” protestors or with lost-in-the-60’s hippies. For more information go to; http://www.barackobama.com/billayersismypal/
* Touching Stoves Campaign: Never touch hot stoves! If you have your hand on a stove and pain receptors are firing off within your hand, that’s a good indication you need to quickly get it away from that stove. Ask for an illustrated brochure on the subject @ http://www.damn_yourdumb.gov
* Well Safety Campaign: If you see a sign that says, “CAUTION: Well in area,” be careful. Remember our campaign saying: “Be well; don’t fall down a well.” This campaign is an extension of the immensely successful “Don’t Touch Wet paint Campaign” by Vice President Joe Biden. You may request a copy of both pamphlets together @ http://www.keepjoebusy.gov
* Tree Awareness Campaign: It can hurt to walk into trees, so make sure you keep aware of your distance from trees at all times. A good method is to use eyesight, but you can also use your ears to detect nearby trees by listening for the sound of wind rustling leaves. And always remember to adhere to the other associated warning signs; “Never text and walk”. “Always Wear a Helmet”. “Stop-Look-&-Listen”. “Watch for the Trains”. “Beware of Dog!” “Deer Crossing”. “Beware of Falling Coconuts”. “Don’t Drink and Drive”. “Danger! High Voltage!” “Don’t Pee on an Electric Fence!” “Don’t Feed the Alligators”. “Share the Road”. “Don’t Eat Yellow Snow”. Etc. Etc.Etc. For further information go to; http://www.helpadoofuss.gov
* Badger Petting Campaign: Doctors recommend you always keep at least six feet between your body and a badger. If you must have a Badger for a pet, request a copy of our guidelines for Badger keeping @ http://www.dontbeadumbass.gov
* No Hugging Porcupines Campaign: While porcupines, like all animals, needs hugs, this should only be done by professionals wearing special porcupine hugging outfits. Just request a copy of a first-hand account on this subject written by Vice President Joe Biden and available by the U.S. Government Printing Office @ http://www.learnfromunclejoesmistakes.gov
* Gorilla Teasing Campaign: Gorillas are much like feminists and butch lesbians: They’re large, hairy, and have no sense of humor. Scientists recommend you do not tease them out of the confines of a TV studio. For more on the subject, read the informative article co-authored by Rosie O’Donnell and Rachel Maddow that is available on-line @ http://www.fagsarethefuture.gov
* Anti Molesting Crocodiles Campaign: It’s a bad idea for numerous reasons. For further information, be sure to ask for the informative pamphlet from Mick “Crocodile” Dundee available on-line @ http://www.spendingyourtaxmoneyfoolishly.gov
Be aware that the Obama administration is spending your tax money as quickly as they can on such projects and there are sure to be many more of these “worthwhile” programs in the offing. Please be patient they’re doing this as quickly as possible.
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