Neil Degrasse Tyson: Of course it is perfectly safe, Joe. Every component of the mix is FDA approved. It’s like what I tell the kids when I lecture at the junior high schools, trust the government. Bureaucrats know science best. If it is over the counter, use it to your heart’s content. It is 100% safe and effective.

Joe: Well, if you say so. You know science.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Oh my Darwin, what is that hideous smell?

Barack: It smells like sulfur and burning excrement! Marx be praised! Lucifer? Are you back Lucifer?

Joe: Sorry, that’s just me. Michelle’s treats are really working me over. They taste like foot fungus.

Barack: And you should know. You pretty much live with your feet in your mouth.

Al: That is so vile, Joe. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Don’t you ever think about the environment? You know, methane is a worse greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide.

Joe: You can’t expect me to hold it in forever. Not even you can do that, St. Al.

Al: Oh yeah? Why do you think I walk around like I have a stick up my butt?

Joe: Because you really have a…..Oh, that is so gross.

Al: No sacrifice is too big for mother earth. I use a regulation hockey stick for symbolic reasons, but any stick will do.  Come outside with me. I saw some nice branches out there.

Joe: (runs away) No, no, no, no, no. no!

(the door bell rings)

Barack: (Opens the door to see Ingrid Newkirk of PETA once again nude with the flank steak, prime rib, etc. locations drawn on herself) I see once again you have come as Sandra Fluke’s free birth control.

Ingrid: I’m a cow. Marked for the slaughter.

Joe: (runs out the open door) No, no, no, no, no!

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Joe, come back. You haven’t tried the Coke and Pop Rocks yet. Barry, can you get the secret service to drag him back here?

Al: I’d like that too. (brandishing a large, knobby birch branch)

Barack: (speaking into his walkie talkie) Lenny has slain the rabbit. I repeat, Lenny has slain the rabbit. Apprehend.

Ingrid: (brandishing her buckets of red paint) You speak of rabbitcide? Where is this Lenny? I will blood him!

Barack: No, no, no. That is just code talk. It means Joe has run away again. Michelle, can you come here for a moment? Please show Ingrid to your nice vegetarian hors d’oeuvres.

Ingrid: (Lopes over to the food table, leaps atop it, crawls down its length, sniffing, always sniffing) Oh yes. This will do. This will do. (Grabs handfuls of food, dips them in her red paint and gulps them down)

Joe: (two secret service agents drag him back in): No, no, no, no, no!

Barack: Calm down, Joe. We made Al put the stick away. You are ok. No stick.

Joe: No stick?

Barack: No stick.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: We just want you to eat the Pop Rocks and Coke. You like Pop Rocks and Coke.

Joe: I do. I like Pop Rocks and Coke.

Ingrid (Shrieks. She is squatting on the food table, her lips and teeth a smear of blood, her fingers dripping red): Mister Howdy says you are going to die tonight.

Barack: Lucifer? Is that you Lucifer? Come back. You know I can’t quit you.

Ingrid: No Lucifer. Mister Howdy. Die tonight. All die.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: She’s just high on paint fumes. Ignore her, Joe. Eat it Joe. Do it.

Ingrid: Yes. Eat it, Joe. Mister Howdy wants you to eat it.

Joe: (eats the Pop Rocks and Coke……