It seems like 90% of the “tolerance” movement is encouraging hate against certain groups of people.

Is Hillary Clinton a woman of some sort? She should try mentioning that as part of her campaign.

Maybe this is just my white privilege talking, but I don’t think giant squid are all that big.

My thoughts on the pyramids is that no one knows who made them, how they made them, or even where they are.

I once saw a pyramid on a dollar bill and it looked back at me. I only use debit now.

Both the success of Barack Obama and the mockery of Ben Carson demonstrate that accomplishments mean nothing when it comes to politics.

Having an infant you need to cradle and hold and protect from everything is good practice for one day having a college-aged kid.

My wife asked how Pokemon is different from dog fighting, and I didn’t have a good answer. More colorful?

Man, I just remembered boot disks. Forgot about those. Back in the day, you had to basically be a hacker to get a PC game to run properly.

Trump seems like the kind of guy who’d start a war over some something he read in an email forward.

If your job can be replaced by a robot, it will. Robots are only getting cheaper and people are only getting more expensive.

It’s useful to learn philosophy at college as long as it’s philosophy about proper code design.

Don’t believe there’s a war on Christmas? For that Jessica Jones series they’re changing Luke Cage’s catchphrase to “Sweet holidays!”

The Mizzou campus has been overtaken by KKK vampires who don’t show up in photos.

In an alternate timeline, 1930s Germany becomes even more warlike and militant to defend against time-traveling baby killers.

If you killed baby Hitler, wouldn’t it freak you out when you return to your time and everyone has the still in style toothbrush mustaches?

I feel like the quality of representation has declined ever since we stopped being ruled by local warlords.

I’m that good generation between the Boomers and the Millennials. We got a little mopey in the 90s but that was it.

I’m against a Muslim backlash, but can’t we wait until people aren’t actively being killed before we devote all energy to fretting about it?

Why do I keep seeing the phrase “terrorism has no religion”? Are you saying all atheists are terrorists?

Tough being a father, instilling in my daughter confidence to fight videogame bosses by herself. Should probably teach her to read, too.

“Sorry. According to this background check, you’re not allowed to have a gun.”
“Golly. I guess instead of murder I’ll go plant a tree.”

If we recycle enough and bike to work, we can defeat terrorism.

Does someone have that really short list of things government does competently so you can check if “screen refugees” is on there?

Since all my opinions are well-formulated, I’ve yet to have anyone disagree with them. But that does sound like that would be awful.

The gun loophole is that there are hundreds of millions of guns in this country and you can’t realistically stop someone from obtaining one.

Fun election. Republicans have a cartoon show while Dems are pretending to be excited for someone who’s almost a parody of a soulless politician.

I don’t get why people love science so much. I once saw some science — it wasn’t very impressive.

Telling people what ISIS wants is exactly what ISIS wants.

Hillary’s ISIS plan is exactly what you’d expect from someone whose qualification is “married to president who wasn’t that good at foreign policy.”

The most interesting thing about Donald Trump is that I didn’t know you could get an MBA at a clown college.

LIFE HACK: Hit life with an axe

To get outraged by something Trump said means I’d have to take him seriously and that’s a bridge too far.

You’re falling into Donald Trump’s trap, acting like he’s someone whose words should ever be taken seriously.

Terrorists got guns into France which has a complete ban. What sort of magical background check would stop them in the U.S.?

We talk a lot about gun control, but a law mandating all SQL statements must have a WHERE clause would prevent a lot of tragedy.

So who holds the middle ground between Trump’s “tag & monitor all Muslims” and Hillary’s “no one who quotes the Quran could be an evil man”?

Our nation’s youth are becoming a bunch of humorless scolds leaving it to our elderly to stick it to the man.

Shouldn’t there be some sort of fact check fact check that ranks them from “actual fact check” to “pure opinion piece”?

Instead of just fact checks, we should also have opinion checks. “FALSE. He does not actually believe that.”

“How to win in an argument with your 5 your old nephew after you get sent to the kiddie table since people can’t stand you for some reason.”

Boycott Joyce Carol Oats. Only buy Quaker Oats.

I read The Origin of the Species and I liked Spider-Man’s origin better.

“It sure is hot out. Hey, I know a great way to cool down: Let’s kill all the Jews.” -how climate change causes terrorism

My position on global warming is that I think the earth is dangerously cold right now and I’m glad we’re doing something about it.

You can be for allowing citizens to have guns or for the government using guns to keep people from having them. Neither is truly anti-gun.

I still don’t get Vox. Are they supposed to explain news to us or are they asking us to explain news to them because they seem very confused.

Stuffing. Dressing. Whatever you call it, I’m not a character from a Charles Dickens novel so I’m not eating soggy bread.

I have nothing against walnuts by themselves, but it seems like they’re on some sick mission to destroy desserts.

The party whose field consists of someone who’s only there because she was married to a president and a senile socialist shouldn’t throw stones.

Between Dems and GOP, there are a lot of dumb choices for president. Argument is that Trump is especially dumb. Not that easy to make.

Giving thanks: Blood test early in pregnancy said she had trisomy 13 (she wouldn’t live very long) but she was born perfectly healthy.

Here’s all three of my kids. #Thanksgiving

The problem is, racist uncles still probably have better logic and reasoning skills than people who take Vox seriously.

And I believe “taking Salon articles seriously” is a condition listed in the DSM-5.

Finally saw new Mad Max. Favorite part was when someone said, “You mad, bro?” And he said, “Yeah, Mad Max!” And then did his Super Max Kick.

I try to be a responsible adult, but my daughter really likes watching me play video games and I hate disappointing her.

Humans are endlessly complex and fascinating, and it’s pretty cool I’ve gotten to make brand new ones.

My favorite part of Mad Max was when the one car crashed into the other and there a big explosion and they exchanged insurance information.

Despite all the hype, you’re extremely unlikely to be killed by a gun in this country. Bad news: Cancer is pretty likely.

Saw there’s a movie about Krampus, the malevolent spirit who in German lore punishes those who claim Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie.

You can buy throwing stars without a background check. You could be a well-known evil ninja and they’ll just ship them to you.

People in this country have too easy an access to guns, knives, cars, propane, listicles, french fries, pugs, the music of Adele

Everyone stop saying mean things about guns! You’re just going to radicalize them!

What if they pass some gun control where you can only carry one gun? For self defense I need to dive through the air while firing two guns.

What if one of the effects of climate change is causing people not to believe in climate change?

0.4% of deaths in the U.S. are from homicide by gun. No idea if that’s a lot or a little.

So do we need better gun control than France to avoid mass shootings?

New modern day version where Scrooge starts out wishing everyone a Merry Christmas but 3 ghosts teach him to say “Happy Holidays” instead.

Sounds like once again those sociopathic gun nuts are going to block the nonexistent gun control that would stop mass shootings.

I’m glad the left has coalesced behind “attack prayer.” That’s probably what all the other gun control pushes were missing.

“Gun control” is not a magic spell that will stop a criminal from getting one of the hundreds of millions of guns.

“You need to run faster, Barry!”
“I’m running as fast as I can!”
“You need to run even faster-er!”
-half the dialogue in The Flash

To think there is a right to bear arms because of the 2nd Amendment is to mix up cause and effect.

Society is just going to relentlessly beat you down until you finally accept Ben Affleck as Batman.

Well, at least the left has once again quickly gotten over their fear of intemperate rhetoric.

The couple leaving a six-month old to commit murder is very very hard to wrap my brain around.

I have a 2 a month old. I got her to laugh for the first time over the weekend. There is no better sound in the world than a baby laugh.

The fact that you pretty much never hear of an armed mass shooting victim is gun control working about as well as it possibly can.

I’ve seen a lot of yelling at the NRA, but I’ve yet to see one example of a law they blocked that would have prevented any of this.

There have been 80 million mass shootings since 2010. You’re probably being mass shot right now.

I get annoyed if a salesman doesn’t give up after two nos, and insulted if he gives up after one.

“I don’t know if people are going to buy Ben Affleck as being tough enough to be Batman.”
“Let’s have Jesse Eisenberg stand next to him.”

“What kind of stunt was that, Luke? That’s it! You’re off the Force!” -Captain Obi Wan

A dismissive attitude won’t get rid of Trump as that’s what created him.

In a way, Trump is the establishment candidate, because it’s almost solely the fault of the GOP establishment that he exists.

A surprisingly large amount of Twitter is being lectured on compassion by partisan sociopaths.

Doesn’t so many people feeling free to spew vile hate at gun owners prove they don’t fear their neighbor owning a gun?

If people actually feared NRA members, they’d be careful what they say. But everyone understands NRA members don’t shoot anybody.

It’s actually kind of beautiful that in America a large group of people known for owning guns are only feared because they vote.

So the NYT’s big idea to end gun violence – that absolutely had to go on front page – is to ban a type of gun used in like 1% of crimes.

The gun control people need a lot of introspection. The front page NYT editorial just demonstrates they have no clue why they’re irrelevant.

They care enough to scream at the NRA, but not enough to devote even one minute of clear-headed thought to the issue.

If you want to dictate who can or cannot have guns, you’ll need guns.

I won’t believe in climate change until the NYT does a front page editorial on it.

Hey, nut jobs, no one is talking about taking away your guns. Except for the front page of the New York Times.

One of the most common mistakes of inexperienced politicians is to bite babies instead of kissing them.

It’s really weaselly to lump suicides in with homicides when trying to make a point on guns. Those are two very different motives. And while gun control can reduce suicide by guns, there’s no evidence it reduces suicide overall.

I am baffled by gun control proponents inability to learn anything from their decades of failure other than to shut up about confiscation. And they can’t even do that consistently.

Tonight will be President Obama’s 80 millionth public address and is expected to have an audience of up to 5.

The more irrelevant the president is, the better the country is doing.

I once conceal-carried two full size .45s because it’s not entirely implausible a John Woo film could suddenly break out. #Merica

I hope President Obama isn’t announcing he’s joining ISIS. I think that would be a mistake.

If you follow the money, the main force behind gun control are bears waiting for humans to disarm so they can once again take over.

Shouldn’t we say “happy holidays” all year long?

Seems pointless to want to get rid of the 2nd Amendment when the 1st still leaves people access to killing words like “Muad’Dib.”

If we have strict gun control, no one will be able to commit a mass shooting without breaking the law.

“I honestly thought this was my last month as president, but I found I still have a whole other year left. I’m just as upset as you are.”

If you are a president arguing to take away people’s rights without due process, you are a bad president.

The FBI has a list of known terrorists, but they know Obama won’t do anything about them so they want to leave that up to gun store owners.

There is no gun crisis or Islamic terrorism crisis in America. Everyone calm down before you die of #1 killer heart disease.

If a Trump presidency makes us realize we need to severely limit the powers of the president, it might be a good thing.

So has anyone figured out how the Elf on the Shelf keeps moving every night?

The guarantee on the Elf on the Shelf box that it “won’t eat your child’s soul” isn’t as reassuring as they think.

The next New York Daily News cover should just say “IMPOTENT SCREAM” in their largest font.

You have around a 0.004% chance of being shot to death in the US per year. Much higher or lower based on whether or not you’re a gang member.

They should have a no terrorist list. If you’re on this list, you’re not allowed to be a terrorist.

“Background check said you’re on the terrorist watchlist, so you can only buy 8 guns.”
“But I wanted 9.”
“Shut up, terrorist!”

On the FBI watch list are Rolex, Casio, and Timex.

J is the best middle initial. Bullwinkle J. Moose, Homer J. Simpson, Donald J. Trump… great for cartoon characters.

Why do Republicans get all the blame for Trump? The Democrats being a bunch of incompetent, arrogant clowns was what made him too.

Really, who is less serious? Trump and his ban all Muslims idiocy or Obama and his blaming terrorism on climate change?

What we have is not Trump versus serious people. It’s an obvious clown versus people who aren’t aware they’re clowns. Pure clown fight.

The Trump slogan I would find the most persuasive would be “Why vote for the lesser clown?”

I explained to my 5yo about Saturday morning cartoons, how cartoons were only on one day of the week and you couldn’t control them.

My daughter “shared” a piece of her brother’s candy with me and I had to explain to her what a Democrat is.

Errors that cannot be reliably reproduced are the absolute worst.