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Archive of entries posted on 24th February 2016
That Awkward Moment That Only I Missed
(Submitted by Anonymiss of Nuking Politics [High Praise!])
I’m torn. Part of me wants to go with the obvious jibe that “if you can’t figure out how to walk onto a stage, you don’t deserve to be President”.
The other (and larger) part, says that if you can’t figure out how to send a stage flunkie out to Ben Carson and shoo him onto the stage in a timely fashion, you’re too incompetent as a network to host a debate ever again.
You had one job, ABC. You blew it. Everyone else has gotten it right every time.
It’s Coming for You
During an interview on “60 Minutes”, CIA Director John Brennan said that it is “inevitable” that ISIS will attempt to attack the US.
That’s gonna be hard for Obama. He’s got nowhere to withdraw our troops to in response.
Two-Face: Not Just a Batman Villain
Link of the Day: What the Scriptwriters Wrote In Mockery, I Say With Pride
27 Ways To Be As American As Ron Swanson
Buzzfeed and their unnecessary animated gifs are a horrible thing, but Ron Swanson is a delight, so I send you there only half-apologetically.
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)
Filling His Shoes With Clown Feet
While not naming names, President Obama said that whoever he nominates for the Supreme Court will be “indisputably qualified”.
Not positive, but I’m guessing that’s code for “makes Fidel Castro look like Ronald Reagan”.
Obama Warned Us – Private Sector
“I believe a thriving private sector is the lifeblood of our economy.” — President Obama #SOTU
“And government is the vampire.”
Straight Line of the Day: A New Poll Shows That Canadians Believe Global Warming Is Caused By…
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
A new poll shows that Canadians believe global warming is caused by…
Life with Isis: Safe Spaces Part 4
(somewhere secret in the desert)
Corporate HR Imam: Ok, finally we can get back to the trigger warning training.
Galid: I am confused. Did we not already have the trigger warning training? My safety is on. See (pulls trigger and bullets spray into the air. Fiddles with the gun). Ok, now it is on. I think it is on.
Corporate HR Imam: No, Galid. Your safety is not a trigger warning. This is a different issue entirely. Is anyone familiar with this term? Can anyone tell me what a trigger warning is?
Habib: Is it when the rocks and trees warn us that a Jew is hiding behind it so we can pull the trigger and kill it?
Corporate HR Imam: No. Nice try. I like the way you think, but no.
Ahmed: Is it when I warn the new recruits to never under any circumstance pull Ali’s finger and trigger the gases of death?
Ali: I warned you. I’ll kill you for that!
Habib: Truly if they pulled Ali’s finger it would be the death of us all.
Ali: I’ll kill you too. I’ll kill you all! (pulls trigger. Nothing happens). Allah curse it! I can never tell if that safety is on or off. Which button do I push again?
Corporate HR Imam: Do not pull that trigger. I am warning you.
Galid: So what you just said? That is a trigger warning then?
Corporate HR Imam: No, no, no. Everybody calm down. Remember, this is supposed to be a safe space where Ali is free to stink without fear of reprisal.
Habib: But where is our space to be free from the putrescence of Ali?
Corporate HR Imam: That is not important. What are important are Ali’s feelings.
Galid: But I am confused-
Ahmed: Shouldn’t you be used to that by now?
Galid: Best mind your words. My safety is off, my friend. No, wait. I just turned it on. So the gun will shoot now. But if the gun won’t shoot, then I am less safe, so the safety is on. I am so confused.
Corporate HR Imam: Just everybody forget about your weapons and let’s have nobody shoot anybody right now, ok, and let’s get through the trigger warning section so we can have time for the beheadings. I know we all want to see that , right? Ok, so a trigger warning is this. A trigger warning is a statement at the start of a piece of writing, video, etc., alerting the reader or viewer to the fact that it contains potentially distressing material. Does this make sense? Let’s look at some examples. Here is the special director’s cut of Schindler’s List. A trigger warning for this might be: Warning – this film contains fanciful depictions of the Holocaust that did not occur but may nonetheless cause the breasts of holy mujahedeen to swell with rapturous glee. Do not watch unless a doctor recommends your heart is healthy enough for sex.
Crowd: Death to the Jews! Death to the Jews! (pointing guns into the air and firing. Only Galid’s discharges)
Corporate HR Imam: I think you are getting the hang of it. Here is another one. (Holds up a copy of I am Cait starring Caitlyn Jenner) A trigger warning for this one might be: Warning – this film depicts the transformation of a haggard, old attention gigolo into a haggard, old attention whore. The abomination presented may induce the viewer to either hang his television or hurl it to its death from a high building.
Habib: Abomination! Why, Bruce? You were dreamy just the way Allah made you.
Corporate HR Imam: See? Just the picture on the DVD cover is already causing Habib emotional distress. Let’s look at another one. (Holds up a copy of Season One of HBO’s Girls, starring Lena Dunham) A trigger warning for this one might be: Warning – (interrupted by stone striking the DVD) Who threw that?
Ahmed (sheepishly): But I can see the hairy, unwashed buttocks of the infidel!
Ali: I am pretty sure that is the face of the infidel.
Ahmed: You mean those lumps are not hemorrhoids?
Ali: Nasal hemorrhoids, maybe. Is that normal for a girl? Is that why they veil their faces?
Habib: Do we really want 72 of them? Or is that just me?
Ahmed: Death to girls!
Crowd: Death to girls! Death to girls! Death to girls!
Corporate HR Imam (dodging a barrage of stones): Ouch, Allah curse it! Stop it! Stop it! Please refrain from stoning the DVD until I give you permission. Let’s get back to the trigger warning. Warning – this film depicts pale, pudgy women without burkas engaging in relations that will cause the bowels of the mujahedeen to writhe with irritability and the loins to shrivel. May induce homosexuality in the viewers or an intense need to stone the DVD. (throws the DVD to the ground). You may proceed to stone.
Crowd stones the DVD into oblivion
Corporate HR Imam: I think you are getting the hang of it. Let’s show one last example. (holds up the Quran). The trigger warning might be: Warning – reading this book may induce extreme feelings of peace and induce one to love one’s neighbor, treating all with kindness and respect regardless of race, gender or creed. Following its precepts will cause one to forgive and return kindness to insults and affronts. Under no circumstances will it induce one to rape and pillage.
Galid: But, uh, I am confused….
Corporate HR Imam: Just kidding. Got ya! Here’s the real one. Warning – this book may induce one to submit to Allah, join the global caliphate, wage violent Jihad against the infidels and behead those who insult Islam. The subjugation of women and cruel and unusual punishment are icing on the cake. Ok, we’re almost done now and will soon be able to move on to the beheading demonstration, Allah willing. We just have to make it through the unit on microaggressions.
Corporate HR Lackey (running toward the group with the box of action figures): I think I have them all. When is the clock boy going to have them deactivated? Where do you want them? (jiggles the box vigorously)
Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Who put the Bengay in my boxers? I can feel the bern! (explodes)
Trump Action Figure: You’re fired! (explodes)
(The smoke clears and the limbs once again return to earth)
Corporate HR Imam: By the brides of Mohammad! (into the megaphone) I need another clean up on hill 7. A clean up on hill 7. (muttering to himself) Looks like I brought way too many training forms…again.
Galid: I think maybe you should put a trigger warning on the action figures. Something like: Warning – do not pull the string unless you are an infidel.
Corporate HR Imam: That isn’t really a trigger warning, Galid. Just a regular warning.
Galid: What? I am so confused.
(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)
On a completely unrelated subject, I’m gonna have to head down to the Houston area next week, and I seem to recall that a number of the commenters hale from the great state of Texas. Are there any must see sights, attractions, BBQ joints, etc. that I should check out while I am in town?
Random Thoughts: Trump, Hillary, and the Tooth Fairy
It should probably hurt Trump that an older version of him from the future appeared urging people not to vote for him, but it won’t.
I think the only thing Trump could say that might cost him supporters is something coherent.
Trump versus Sanders might not be the general election matchup we want, but it just might be the one we deserve.
The dream of the oppressed shouldn’t be to become oppressors.
I hope the plot of the Star Wars Episode 8 is that they’re trying to stop a planet-destroying super weapon.
Has Kylo Ren come out for Bernie Sanders?
We must boycott apples. They help terrorists not need doctors.
Hillary Clinton is giving hr Nevada victory speech behind closed doors to Goldman Sachs.
A random American picked out of the phone book with Jeb Bush’s money behind him would be doing better in the polls than Jeb Bush.
I pleaded to Rorschach to get in the race and save us, but I couldn’t hear what he whispered back.
The only thing that would make Marco Rubio even more inevitable as the GOP nominee is winning a primary.
“A good guy with a gun” is the entire basis of government… if you believe government to be good.
If I had to rank the remaining candidates in order of ones I dislike the least, I think it’s Rubio then Bernie Sanders.
I think a lot of moviegoers were surprised at how dark the origin story is for Sabrina the Teenaged Witch. #TheWitch
In one of my first jobs, I wasn’t paid a living wage. So I didn’t try to live on it. I was a teenager living with my parents.
“You shouldn’t fill a Supreme Court vacancy in an election year and if I ever say otherwise ignore my lying mouth.” -Joe Biden, 1992
Presidential elections have always been a joke. There’s just more broad humor this time.
Daughter’s first loose tooth was yesterday and it’s already out and now we have to do tooth fairy thing and THIS IS ALL HAPPENING TOO FAST!
Remember: A Trump is just as afraid of you becoming president as you are of him.
Hey, who wants to make a new political party?
Dream Land Part 2: Grandma’s House
[Previous: Dream Land Part 1: Grandma and Papa’s House]
Part 2 of 3.
After Papa died in 1979, Grandma lived alone in the little house she had shared with her husband for over two decades. She knew that, without Papa, she wasn’t long for this world. So, she figured she’d be passing on soon after.
Grandma continued to feel that way throughout the 1980s, 1990s, and 2000s, all the way through this year. She continued her life in the little house, the house that had been her Dream Land since her first grandchild, my older sister, was born.
Grandma had retired a few years earlier, and had spent most of her time taking care of Papa. With him gone, she grew restless, and went back to work. She and several of her friends, some from the church, some from the Eastern Star, some she used to work with at the shirt factory, went to work part-time for the local newspaper.
The local paper, in addition to printing the local news, also printed the small town weeklies for several other places. That meant stuffing the local Sears or K-Mart sale paper and such into the newspapers. And, apparently, old retired women have a knack for that, because they did a lot of that.
Grandma continued to stuff papers, attend church services, shop at the Winn-Dixie, and attend Eastern Star meetings for years, and, at the end of the day, return to her Dream Land.
The grandchildren, me included, didn’t visit as much. We were growing up, or grown, and had started our own families. Some of us lived in the area, and others moved away. But, Grandma’s House was always a special place to us. We all managed to find time to visit on occasion, but not like we should, or, like we wanted to. We could have made a better effort, but we were busy. At least, that’s what we told ourselves.
However, when we did visit, it was almost like being back in that Dream Land we visited as a child. We missed seeing Papa, but Grandma was there. She was always there. Until one day.
Grandma fell while working in the yard in 2010. It was pretty severe. She looked bad, and hurt really bad. After 31 years living alone, it was time for some other arrangements to be made.
My mother finally got a large dining area set up at her house. It was a building separate from the main house, that had a large room where tables and chairs could be set up, with a kitchen just off that room. There was a bathroom, an office, and a bedroom.
Yes, it was actually laid out like a guest house, but her intent was to have big family gatherings there. We called it the Fellowship Hall. (Baptists can truly appreciate that.) In 2010, though, she lost that functionality. It became quarters for Grandma. By living there, my mother could watch out for her. Actually, she paid a lady to sit and watch soap operas and Grandma, while she went to work at her job at the Baptist church.
Four years went by with Grandma staying at the guest house. The little house, Grandma’s House, sat unoccupied. Utilities were still on. Mail was still delivered. The grass was cut. The yards were raked. The only thing making it unoccupied was the fact that no one was staying there.
My uncle (my mothers brother) was tasked with upkeep of the house. Well, the hard stuff, anyway. If it needed any work done, he did it. Air conditioning, wiring, pipes, whatever, it fell to him. And, living an hour and a half away, it was difficult on him. He put up with it for four years, until everyone finally accepted that Grandma wasn’t going back to her house. She was approaching 101 years old, and really wasn’t in any condition to look after herself by herself.
He finally had the difficult conversation that no one wanted to have: it was time to do something about Grandma’s House. He thought the best thing to do was to sell it. And, after much anguish from some, that’s what was finally agreed upon. None of the grandchildren were happy about losing their Dream Land from their childhood.
[Next: Dream Land Part 3: Papa’s House]
Not Sure Who Can Comment on Eminem
Rapper Kanye West said that no “white publication” should comment on “black music”.
For purposes of racial identification, any magazine that praises Kanye is “black”.