WASHINGTON DC (AP) – Giving in to the relentless pressure swirling around DC to “do something” about mass shootings, President Trump vowed to “take the first step” in preventing new shooting incidents. In an Oval Office ceremony, Mr. Trump signed an Executive Order that requires all crazy, marginalized liberals to go out and start shooting at people.

President Trump explained the order in a morning press briefing.

“I don’t usually go the ‘reverse psychology’ route,” said Trump, “but my instincts tell me this is the only way to go on this. I expect that as soon as word of this order hits the streets, homicidal liberal nutjobs will dig in their heels and refuse to comply by all means open to them, no matter how determined they were previously to cause mayhem and bloodshed. You just watch.”

To a degree that could almost be called “prophetic,” the President’s prediction came true with startling speed. Before the ink was even dry on the EO, a mob of angry leftists started protesting in front of the White House, chanting:

“What do we want?”
“Crazy liberals to be free to not shoot people!
“When do we want it?”
“Purple monkey dishwasher!”

San Francisco Mayor London Breed – joined by Democrat Mayors from across the nation in a joint press conference – announced that her town would become a “city of refuge for those oppressed by Trump”

“As that dictator in Washington once again raises his fist in oppression to smash the innocent,” said Breed, “we here in the free city of San Francisco will protect anyone who chooses to come here to exercise their constitutional right to not murder anyone, despite what any Executive Orders or compelling demonic head-voices say to the contrary!”

While showing remarkable restraint in not gloating over the success of his Machiavellian scheme, the President did offer a bit of free advice to members of the “#Crazistence”:

“Whatever you do, before you go on your shooting rampage, NEVER peek down the barrel of your gun and then pull the trigger a few times to clear out whatever obstruction keeps you from seeing light out the other end. I know it seems like a smart idea, but it’s just the dumbest thing you can do. Plus, every time someone does that, it becomes more likely I won’t get reelected. So don’t do that.”

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