IMAO’s own Mr. Language Person, Right Wing Duck, posted this in 2005. — The Editors

Grammar rules

I admire Michelle Malkin. She has good word usements.

In one post, she directs her readers to a great quiz on grammar.

Mark Goldblatt at NRO give the quiz.. Being the kind of IMAO writer who aspirates to master the English language, I figured I’d applicate my skills to see how I would do.

I’ll get through this before my ADD kicks in and I forget what I was doing.

1) Define the terms “independent clause” and “dependent clause.”

Well, a long time ago, Santa hired two assistants. One was really good and got things done. The other was clingy and kept blaming “shortism” for all of his failings. Eventually, the clingy one was promoted to ensure diversity in the Elf staff and, well, let us never talk about the exploding Jack In the Boxes again. Eventually, Independent Clause started his own business with labor from third world countries, and threatened Santa with a buyout. I forgot how it ends. But I’m pretty sure we can blame Wal-Mart.

2) Find the subject in the following sentence: “Many of my friends drive to school.”

A Ha! A trick question! Some would say that the Subject is Driver’s Education. But it asks about driving TO the school, which tells us that it’s morning. The fact that many friends are involved means that Bill and Jane are probably getting cozy in the backseat while the thumping bass on the car stereo breaks windows as it passes through the neighborhood. I’m not saying it’s Sex Ed, but it’s pretty darn close.

3) What are the three principal parts of the verb “to bite”?

Let’s use a visual aid

(RWD pulls out a 15 pound hamburger)

First there’s there’s the pre-bite. That’s where you say, “Hmm. I’m gonna get me some of this!” Then there’s the actual bite itself. I recommend small bites, this way you can talk while you’re eating. Then, there’s the post-bite. Postbites vary. For some, they order a doggy bag, Others take a big drink. If you’re like me, you can pretend you found some gross thing in your food so you can try to get it for free (unless you’re lucky enough to end up with a REAL finger tip or something.)

4) “Jane has been dating John for two years.” Is that sentence written in a present tense or a past tense?

I’ve met John. Believe me. Two years is a long enough sentence for any woman. I recommend they think about breaking up. Methods for breaking up include, Dear John letters, phone conversations, or faking your own disappearance.

5) “Jane has been dating John for two years.” Change that sentence to the corresponding past tense.

Well, it just so happens that corresponding is what I do best!! Try this one:”Dear John, it’s not you. It’s me–”

6) What three parts of speech can an adverb modify?

As you know. Adverbs are not native to North America. They came over on the Mayflower with the original settlers and were used to torture to poor native Americans. So Natives got orders such as “Finish this promptly” and “Run for your lives, quickly!” As such, I do not acknowledge adverbs as a legitimate part of life.

Had they not come over, nothing here would have been modified. Sure some people say, “How would I know to run quickly?” and I say, “You’re stupid. Have you ever heard of slow running?” –besides the movies just before the car explodes behind you. That’s cool.

“Look at the bomb. It blew up!”

“Yes, It blew up quickly.”

7) What is the main use of a semi-colon?

Medical questions? Man, this is harder than the census. The Semi-colon is located on the human body just before the colon. Let me just say that I’m a big believer in cancer screenings for semi-colorectal cancer.

8) “Jane invited John and me.” “Jane invited John and I.” Which is correct?

See, what I told you about Jane. She can’t even make up her mind. This is why she should not have to carry out her full sentence with John. I vote that her sentence be overturned.

9) “He should of told me that I wasn’t invited.” What’s the error in that sentence?

Simple. It’s never good to advise somebody that they are not wanted in a party. It’s always best to make up an excuse, such as “we’ll get back to you” or “they cheated” or “let’s wait until 2008”.

10) “Every person is entitled to their own opinion.” What’s the error in that sentence?

I disagree. Everyone is entitled to MY opinion — although, honestly speaking, opinions vary. Besides, I’ve met everyone. Really. And the only thing they want to talk about is whether or not Paula Abdul is dating Dependant Clause.

How shallow.

**

Excellent.

I’ll go back later and grade the test. Right now I need to sit and play some videogames.