This is a reposting of one of Harvey’s classics. There’s a link to the book in the sidebar. — The Editors
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it’s time to go surfin’ with your plastic surgeon, because we’re headed to the shores of sunny California, so let’s get started…
- California is a large state on the western coast of the U.S. which is inhabited by people who snuck into the state and live off the hard-earned money of the working class, or, as the locals refer to them, actors.
- The main export of California is fine wine, which is quite similar to French wine, except that it’s less cowardly and annoying.
- California was originally part of Mexico, and many of its cities still have Mexican names, like Los Angeles, which means “City of Beating up Rodney King.”
- California requires that all cars sold in the state run on a special environmentally friendly fuel composed of 50% gasoline and 50% tofu.
- California used to be covered by thick forests of giant redwood trees, but these have all been cut down to make nightsticks for beating black motorists.
- The state motto of California is “Eureka!,” a Greek word meaning “Dude!”
- More turkeys are raised in California than in any other state, and most of them get released from Hollywood during the summer.
- The Hollywood Bowl is the world’s largest outdoor amphitheater. Just to clarify a common misconception, no special shoes are required. You’re thinking of the Hollywood Bowl-o-Rama.
- Californians can be easily identified by their deep golden tans and fake green cards.
- California experiences 500,000 detectable seismic tremors every year. Coincidentally, that’s the same number of steps taken annually by Michael Moore during his trips to the refrigerator.
- The average earthquake in California only lasts about 10 seconds. Coincidentally, that’s the same amount of time between the beginning of a typical Michael Moore movie and the time someone yells, “THIS SUCKS!”
- The state animal of California is the Grizzly Bear, which, sadly, has been hunted to near extinction by roving hordes of the undead who feast on their tender brains.
- MMMM… braaaaaaainsssss…
- California was the first state to legalize the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. Research is currently underway to investigate any possible healing powers possessed by hookers.
- Many cities in California have outlawed the possession of handguns – however mace, pepper spray, and light sabers are still perfectly legal for self-defense.
- You do, however, need a special permit to use force lightning.
- San Francisco has a large, free-spirited population of homosexuals, most of whom are safely confined to a gulag on Castro Street.
- Clint Eastwood retired from acting to become the Mayor of Carmel, California, where he spent most of his time chasing Hmong off his lawn with a shotgun.
- Many people hope that former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will run for President someday, but unfortunately the Constitution specifically forbids the election of people who are unable to pronounce the word “Calee-forn-ee-uh”.
- Lucky for us there was no such restriction for “nu-cu-lar”.
- California is impervious to terrorist attacks because the noxious fumes from the hippies quickly render terrorists unconscious.
- Even though it’s only a single state, California has the 7th largest economy in the world, 90% of which comes from the sale of breast implants.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger won California’s special recall election in 2003 by running on the slogan of “I will crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentation of the girly men!”
- California produces 17 million gallons of wine each year, which is enough to get the average American drunk 34 million times… assuming the average American is the kind of frou-frou sissy-pants who actually drinks wine, that is.
- Fallbrook, California is known the Avocado Capital of the World, a fact about which nobody outside the city gives a damn.
- California became the 31st state on September 9th 1850 after winning its independence from Mexico by defeating them in a brutal game of tiddlywinks.
- California is famous for its many elite golf courses, including Palm Springs, Pebble Beach, and No Blacks or Women.
- In 1906, the city of San Francisco was razed to the ground by fires and earthquakes. Fortunately the local homosexual population was able to Queer Eye it back together in a matter of days.
- The first person to receive a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame was Joanne Woodward in 1960. The last person was SpongeBob Squarepants.
- Pauley Shore is still waiting.
- Ronald Reagan was elected to two terms as Governor of California in exchange for his promise not to make a sequel to “Bedtime for Bonzo.”
That wraps up the California edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be breaking our teeth on mountains, sadly discovering that “Rocky” is NOT short for “Rock Candy” when we visit Colorado.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go watch a Michael Moore Movie… THIS SUCKS!
[The complete e-book version of “Fun Facts About the 50 States” is now available at Amazon.com. If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]