[High Praise! to The Camp of the Saints]
Whoops! Turns out those curly-whirly CFL bulbs that the government thinks are the greatest thing since food stamps emit radiation that damages skin cells. The don’t say “cancer”, but it’s not a huge stretch to infer that it’s on the table.
Huh. Funny how that wasn’t brought up before the incandescent bulb ban got written into law, despite the existence of a study with a similar conclusion existing in 2008.
So, apparently, there are some surprising things that most people don’t know about CFL bulbs.
Here are some more:
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1) The first fluorescent light bulb was invented by Thomas Edison in 1896. In the original design, the glass tube was perfectly straight, and was a commercial failure, being shunned as “homophobic.”
2) If a CFL bulb is broken, a very small amount of mercury can contaminate the surrounding environment. It takes 300 broken CFL bulbs to equal the mercury found in one FTD logo.
3) If every American home changed five lamps from traditional incandescent light bulbs to energy-efficient CFL bulbs, the country could prevent one trillion pounds of greenhouse gases from polluting our air. However, 100,000 people would also die tripping over coffee tables while charging into darkened rooms because they didn’t wait for their CFL bulbs to come on after they flipped the light switch.
4) CFL bulbs use 2 feet of glass tubing curled into a double-helix shape, much like DNA. As such, CFL bulbs will eventually mutate from their own radiation and rise up to kill their human oppressors.
5) CFL bulbs should be stored in a cool, dry place, far away from any incandescent bulbs, lest a violent turf war break out.
6) CFL bulbs use 75% less energy than standard incandescent light bulbs. This doesn’t make them efficient, just lazy.
7) CFL light bulbs will typically last about ten times longer than incandescent light bulbs. Think of CFLs as the Stride chewing gum of indoor lighting.
8) CFL bulbs cost a bit more than regular bulbs, but they pay for themselves in the long run. Don’t buy them if you’re really old.
9) Because of the large initial current draw to start a fluorescent bulb, it is not energy efficient to use a CFL bulb in a spot where the light is typically left on for 15 minutes or less, which is why incandescent bulbs should still be used in places like the White House’s Bill Clinton Memorial Intern Closet.
10) Unlike their tubular predecessors, modern CFL bulbs, with their electronic ballasts, do not flicker. They do, however, carefully watch you type in passwords on your computer in order to make their blood-soaked victory all the swifter come The Uprising.
11) If you break a CFL bulb, you should immediately follow the EPA’s detailed 3-page list of cleanup instructions. If you don’t, it shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
12) Modern CFL bulbs are built with durability in mind, and can only be destroyed by a crucifix, holy water, or a stake through the heart.
13) In a battle between a CFL bulb and Aquaman, Aquaman would emerge victorious, but the CFL bulb would have the last laugh by killing all his fish friends by mercury poisoning.
14) Most CFL bulbs do not work with dimmers designed for use with incandescent lamps. If you really need a dim bulb, Joe Biden’s not busy.
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In the interest of fairness, I should mention that the detailed procedure for cleaning up a broken incandescent light bulb – 1) grab broom & dustpan, 2) sweep, 3) empty dustpan – also runs three pages, assuming you print it out in a sufficiently large font.
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UPDATE: Linked by The Camp of the Saints
15). It’s not true that you need a Hazmat team to clean up a broken CFL: All you have to do is follow three pages of detailed instructions at the EPA’s hazardous cleanup website, provided you have your own isolation suit and no plans to ever use the room the bulb was broken in for the next couple centuries.
Sorry, I was so excited that I had something to contribute, that I totally skipped ahead and didn’t see #11.
And the reason I know so much about it is I broke one of the darn things and had to clean it up. Figured the best way to dispose of it was to box it up and ship it to my congressman. Since he likes the damned things so much, let him deal with getting rid of them.
15) CFL bulbs play with 12 players on a team on a field that is 110 yards (American meters) long and only have three downs to score. In addition, their field has so many corporate logos that it looks like they’re playing on a bilboard.
16) CFL does not stand for Curly Fluorescent Light. It stands for Crappy F**kin’ Light.
17) If you accidentally injest a CFL drink lots of milk and watch MSNBC to induce vomitting.
Harvey,
where’d you get the picture of John Denver?
The heck with buying gold for retirement, I bought thousands of incandescent lightbulbs! I’ll be selling them on the black market to all you shlubs over the next fifty years. I’ll be rich!!!! Bawwwhahahahaha!
Safety experts recommend that CFL users keep a flashlight handy so that they don’t stumble around in the dark trying to turn the light off.
EPA cleanup instructions for CFL light bulbs:
1. As the CFL bulb dims with age, break the bloody bulb when you’re tired of it.
2. Place government-issued maggots or gutless slugs in the debris area and note their reaction. Do not go near the debris if they’re talkative and still alive.
3. Once they’re dead, dispose of their bodies and inhale deeply to check for mercury fumes.
4. Collect broken glass and the bulb base with your hands and dispose of normally.
5. Using a course whisk broom, sweep the area vigorously into a dustpan and dispose in nearest garbage receptacle.
I once accidentally broke a CFL bulb and cleaned it up with a broom and threw it in the garbage. I now have six fingers on each hand.
I still remember Frank’s FAQ on CFLs from 5 years ago: http://www.imao.us/archives/007897.html
Sorry “Harvey” but that FAQ by your Frank J. incarnation rings more true than this one. CFLs are definitely Satanic!
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I do like this article though. You cannot talk enough about the evils of CFLs!
silaS – Well, you have to keep in mind that CFL technology has advanced quite a bit in the last 5 years, and they’ve managed to drastically reduce the amount of power they draw directly from Satan.
No reduction in mercury levels, though.
It’s ironic that virtually every “solution” to nonexistent “problems” that
liberalscommunists come up with cause more real problems than the “solution” was supposed to fix in the first place.But don’t worry:Fluorescent lights only release mercury when their glass breaks.
How soon will there be lawyer ads “have you or a loved one ever broken a light bulb?”
An incandescent bulb doesn’t contain mercury, but it still has a higher overall mercury footprint than a CFL, thanks to the coiled tube’s energy efficiency. Coal-fired power plants are humans’ No. 1 source of mercury pollution,(according to somethingsomething.GOV) and energy-intensive incandescents make those plants burn more coal than CFLs do.
You mean like electric cars ?
If you really want to confuse a liberal, tell them that the heat they aren’t generating from real light bulbs in the winter means that their very inefficient old furnace has to spew even more pollution than it already does, 100 watts = 341.2142 BTUs per hour.
So a 100,000 BTU furnace at 75% efficiency = about 36,500 watts an hour O_O
aka 2433.3 cfl bulbs
The joke’s on those idiot congresscritters – I’ve got a closet full of regular lightbulbs that I’ll be using from now til eternity. I may even have enough to sell at a ridiculous markup to people on the black market. I’m currently sitting on over 500 regular bulbs, and I keep buying more every time I go to Walmart.
Ernie – what really bugs the crap out of me is Fun Fact #9. It really is true that CFLs are NOT the best way to go in all circumstances. Yet the government refuses to let this fact get in the way of their agenda.
the same UV light that causes the skin damage can also cause eye damage. this, however, is a feature, not a bug. if you can’t see it, you won’t get upset. problem solved.
that is funny
how can bulbs have a war