Moses comes down from the mountain with two tablets.
“I got some good news and I got some bad news. The good news is that I talked him down from twenty to ten. The bad news is that adultery is still in.”
“Lord I think you need to punish my Priest. On Sunday when he was supposed to be saying Mass he snuck alone off to that little golf course and got a hole in one on that short, 300 yard, Par 4. He was so happy he was crying for joy. He needs to be punished” “No, He’s being punished enough”
“What ?” He wasn’t crying for joy. He’s very gregarious, he knew he was doing something wrong and doesn’t want to get caught. So about the Hole-in-One….. Who can he tell?.
“He could breathe because of a prototype device that used solar power to split carbon dioxide into oxygen gas and graphite dust. That’s actually what the whole experiment was about, officially; the paperwork was all about testing the machine. However, the doctor already knew it worked; he just used it as a pretext to get the funding & permits for shooting something into space.
“I never did figure out how he ate, though.”
🎵Get me to the church on time🎵
Overheard in a conversation between God and man: …
Stick by me I’ll be your guiding hand.
God: “You are talking to the manager Kevin.”
“Hands up! Don’t smite!”
God: “That’s a good one. On the one hand, Ginger is … but on the other hand, MaryAnn …”
“Look, I know I’ve given you all these Commandments and Golden Rules and stuff. Let me make it simple for you. Don’t be a moron.”
Great scene in “Oh God”: {paraphrasing} “I gave you all this; I laid down the rules. The rest is up to you.”
God: “Doctors and Obama: what is it with people thinking they’re Me?”
Me: God, is a million years but like a second to you?
God: Yes, my child.
Me: And God, would a million dollars be like a penny to you?
God: Yes, that too is correct, my child.
Me: God, could you spare me a penny?
God: Sure, I’ve got one around here somewhere, just a second…
Man: “Weather Girls on TV and cheerleaders; nice.”
… “actually, it’s pronounced Basil.”
Presumptive winner.
No matter which side the quote is from.
God: “No, I can’t make an object so heavy I can’t lift it. When you graduate from kindergarten, ask me another.”
“I can objectify a lift so made I can’t heave it, but unfortunately mortal minds can’t understand why, even if I show you.”
Overheard in a Conversation Between God and Man: …
C’mon Man.
Is this why so many people say “Oh, God” when Biden says something?
“it’s quantum.”
Overheard in a conversation between God and man: …
Man: Will voting in every Babe contest at IMAO get me into heaven?
GOD: Yes, of course. Pfft! Why even ask such an obvious question?
DNC: “What is truth? Seriously, we can’t tell it.”
Overheard in a conversation between God and man: …
It is okay if you don’t believe in me, just don’t be a snot about it.
Man: “So, uh, which team will Your Son be playing on?”
Man: “Were you serious about that silly not-coveting stuff?”
God: “Was I serious about that not-eating-forbidden-fruit stuff?”
Gulp!
“All I’m sayin’ is a little bit of lubrication would’ve prevented the burning bush.”
“Take these two tablets and call me in the morning.”
Moses comes down from the mountain with two tablets.
“I got some good news and I got some bad news. The good news is that I talked him down from twenty to ten. The bad news is that adultery is still in.”
Man: “Can I . . . ?”
God: “No.”
Man: “Can I . . .?”
God: “No.”
Man: “Can I . . . .?”
God: “Yes.”
Man: “Man, You’re good.”
God: “I know.”
Man: “Lord…”
God: “I know…”
“How long can you tread water?”
Bill Cosby comedy routines are veboten.
Just so they’re not verboten
The man was funny, and a fixture of my childhood.
God: “The good news is you have a free trip coming, all travel expenses covered to Nineveh…. The bad news is its kind of a steerage passage.”
She may be a good woman, but frankly I think Lot’s wife is a little salty for my taste.
“Man…. I’d give me left arm not to be a leper.”
“Lord I think you need to punish my Priest. On Sunday when he was supposed to be saying Mass he snuck alone off to that little golf course and got a hole in one on that short, 300 yard, Par 4. He was so happy he was crying for joy. He needs to be punished”
“No, He’s being punished enough”
“What ?”
He wasn’t crying for joy. He’s very gregarious, he knew he was doing something wrong and doesn’t want to get caught. So about the Hole-in-One….. Who can he tell?.
“Lord, I think you need to punish Oppo.”
“Continue, Emu, My son…”
“Well, Walruschss was telling me….”
…”and it has to stop!”
Oh Lord, won’t you buy me
a Mercedes-Benz….
Man: “Lord, are you sure there wasn’t a time frame on that don’t eat pork rule?”
“Indeed! Surely you’ve already heard of the ‘five second rule’?”
First Letter of Paul to the Diffusions.
(Sniff) I’m so honored by this, I could almost plotz.
But I suppose I should get in on this.
“Look, man, if you don’t stop yelling for me when you’re… being fruitful, I’m gonna send a bolt of lightning right up your fundament.”
“He could breathe because of a prototype device that used solar power to split carbon dioxide into oxygen gas and graphite dust. That’s actually what the whole experiment was about, officially; the paperwork was all about testing the machine. However, the doctor already knew it worked; he just used it as a pretext to get the funding & permits for shooting something into space.
“I never did figure out how he ate, though.”
“God, can you create a cat so lazy, even you can’t move it?”
I’ve known plenty that only God could move.
Should we fear a Cat moving God?
Serenity? I don’t think that word means what you think it does.
Straight Line of the Day: Overheard in a conversation between God and man: …
Sure, I get that. Totally makes sense. But why do I have nipples?
Overheard in a conversation between God and man: …
Khakis, does it matter?
Thank you that I don’t live in Louisiana!
And, please, Lord, help them folks!