There’s no business like Joe business,
Like no business I know;
Everything about it is appalling,
Everything the media will allow.
Nowhere else to get that water-hauling
If you are the nominee for now.

There’s no people like Joe’s people,
They smile when they know he’s low.
Even with a turkey that you know will fold,
If you’re candid, in doubt and too old,
Hillary had the gall to want it all, and the gold.
Let’s go on with the show!

The FBI, the Russians, the bumblers, the clowns,
The layabouts that make the show a myth.
The music, the spotlights, the people, the towns,
The baggage that their candidate came with.
Burisma and the purses and the smell,
The trollop Junior took to the last hotel.

There’s no business like Joe business,
Like no business I know.
Everything has his lawyers appealing,
Anything to distract from gaffe or gif.
Nobody can stop the man from feeling
When he is stealing that extra sniff.

There’s no people like poll people,
They smile when they know he’s low.
Yesterday they told you you would not go far,
That night you became the nominee, and there you are!
Next day on your dressing room they’ve hung a star,
Let’s go on with the show!

The contumely, scenery, the makeup, the props,
The Wallaces that lift you when you’re down.
The head-fakes, the long breaks, the brainfarts, the flops,
The doctor who escorts you out of town!
The outrage when Trump beats you like a drum,
The rallies to which even supporters won’t come!

There’s no business like Joe business,
If he tells the media, it’s so!
Travelling through the country is so thrilling,
Or standing on your front porch is just as right.
Smiling as you watch debates beginning,
And realizing that you should be there tonight!

There’s no people like Joe people,
They smile when they are low.
Even with a turkey that you know will fold,
If you’re candid, out-and-out sold,
Hillary tried to have all that, and a sack of gold,
Let’s go on with the show!