“Hansel lit his last cigarette. With shaking hands he threw the match into the burning remains of the candy covered house. Greta would never speak again. The witch had seen to that. She seemed at peace with it. Maybe a fair trade for the way she got revenge on the old hag.
I lifted my pack and when she saw me she started to get ready too. It would be a long tough journey back to the village. Longer if we can’t find the trail of breadcrumbs. But we had candy to last years.”
The original story was never really sunshine and unicorns to start with. A dark and gritty reboot sounds like something only Takashi Miike could direct. But, this being Greta and not Gretel, I am sure that somewhere it involves a super-annoying yet none too intelligent young girl who somehow either gets ground up by windmill blades or roasted by a solar panel.
… the witch-consuming fire quickly grew out of control, being in California, where witches are in abundance and proper land management – not so much. Millions of acres went up in flames, pushing carbon dioxide emissions over the tipping point. The End…
…Hansel takes off with Greta on a sailboat, where he stops off at Waterworld atoll to drop her off in the recycling pit after learning she’s actually a muto, because, you know, rising sea levels and she wouldn’t shut her yap.
In an apocalyptic water world where all the glaciers and poles have melted, we find out that the witch is actually a shadowy government operative who abuses Greta in the kitchen of a floating house. But being completely loyal to the party, and addicted to the “candy” the witch forces her to take, she imposes similar abuses on Hansel. While sailing this dystopian world trapped on a sailboat with Greta, Hansel is secretly trying to find the way back to a mythological place known as “flyover country”, looking for any “breadcrumbs” he can find.
… “How dare you!”…
“But, I’ve lost my childhood, you hater!”
In the dark, gritty reboot of Hansel and Greta…
…the witch responds to Greta’s cries of, “How DARE you!” by burning all her carbon credits.
(not a typo)
Straight Line of the Day: In the dark, gritty reboot of Hansel and Greta…
Note: not Gretal.
Maybe not even Gretel
Imagine my regretile!
… the solar oven didn’t work that day, because it was overcast. The witch escaped, and eventually became Michael Moore…
In the dark, gritty reboot of Hansel and Greta…
Hansel and the witch get Big Oil money and conspire to put Greta in the oven.
In the dark, gritty reboot of Hansel and Greta…
…the birds that eat the bread crumb trail all die due to gluten intolerance.
…a skunkworks drone camouflaged to look like a fly spreads the Xi’s disease past the plexiglass barriers.
“Hansel lit his last cigarette. With shaking hands he threw the match into the burning remains of the candy covered house. Greta would never speak again. The witch had seen to that. She seemed at peace with it. Maybe a fair trade for the way she got revenge on the old hag.
I lifted my pack and when she saw me she started to get ready too. It would be a long tough journey back to the village. Longer if we can’t find the trail of breadcrumbs. But we had candy to last years.”
“Silently, Hansel liked Greta better now that he didn’t have to listen to her. “
In the dark, gritty reboot of Hansel and Greta…
There will be Nazis, they have to have Nazis.
In the dark, gritty reboot of Hansel and Greta…
well I’m not saying it will be Alien but… it will be Alien.
Please tell me the witch turns somebody into a Newt.
Unfortunately he got better.
Should have tried to Newt them from orbit.
The original story was never really sunshine and unicorns to start with. A dark and gritty reboot sounds like something only Takashi Miike could direct. But, this being Greta and not Gretel, I am sure that somewhere it involves a super-annoying yet none too intelligent young girl who somehow either gets ground up by windmill blades or roasted by a solar panel.
… the witch-consuming fire quickly grew out of control, being in California, where witches are in abundance and proper land management – not so much. Millions of acres went up in flames, pushing carbon dioxide emissions over the tipping point. The End…
… things are looking Grimm…
…Hansel takes off with Greta on a sailboat, where he stops off at Waterworld atoll to drop her off in the recycling pit after learning she’s actually a muto, because, you know, rising sea levels and she wouldn’t shut her yap.
In the dark, gritty reboot of Hansel and Greta…
Everything is Gluten and Dairy free, all the chocolate is dark and bitter, and everything is sweetened with aspartame.
In the dark, gritty reboot of Hansel and Greta…
In an apocalyptic water world where all the glaciers and poles have melted, we find out that the witch is actually a shadowy government operative who abuses Greta in the kitchen of a floating house. But being completely loyal to the party, and addicted to the “candy” the witch forces her to take, she imposes similar abuses on Hansel. While sailing this dystopian world trapped on a sailboat with Greta, Hansel is secretly trying to find the way back to a mythological place known as “flyover country”, looking for any “breadcrumbs” he can find.
I want to see this movie.
VanSusteren returns to Faux Nooz for a all new morning show with sidekick Hansel, a multicolored….. Emu.
In the dark, gritty reboot of Hansel and Greta…
we discover their mother’s name is… Martha.
Multicolored Emu…..that’s intense!
I think the accepted term is “multi-ethnic emu”