Capitalism: You can have more than you could ever imagine as long as you can make peace with the fact that people far richer than you are getting even richer.

While science is great at answering questions, it’s good to remember that in the end it can only answer unimportant ones.

The elitist pushback on Trump was based on the idea that everyone should reject dumb failures for smart failures.

When chicken comes out of a can, it feels like it’s the chicken of the sea of the land.

No one in Congress should get the vaccine early as none of them are essential. Most of them could be replaced with a simple computer program.

“So, dad, boys can do ballet too?”
“No.”

I think the problem with calling Jill Biden “doctor” is that some people will get confused and think she’s actually a doctor.

A three-martini lunch? I wouldn’t trust my coding I then did in the late afternoon.

With clunky terms like “people who menstruate” and “vagina owners,” it really seems like we need a simple word that means “human female.”

What’s your favorite piece from a Star Wars movie soundtrack and you can’t say “The Imperial March”?
I think for me it’s “The Asteroid Field” from The Empire Strikes Back. Nice mix of menace and grandeur.

I don’t get the hate for Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime.” It’s just a stupid, happy little Christmas song.

Where do people get the idea hate speech is illegal in the U.S. when Twitter is still up and running?

There are exceptions to free speech. For instance, you can’t say a word that rhymes with orange.

The warning when we put on It’s a Wonderful Life says it contains drug use, violence, and foul language. Hot dog!

The most devastating part of It’s a Wonderful Life has to be seeing that Mary is an old maid. And has glasses.

My mom gave me a dark saber and animatronic Baby Yoda rather than give to one of my kids and have them fight over it. Funny how protective you get of that little guy. My son started to touch him with the dark saber, and I was like “No. We don’t do that even in jest.”

Any chance we’ll start calling Yoda “Old Grogu”?

Quick quiz: What’s the first song that plays over the end credits of Die Hard?
Answer: “Let It Snow!” to help emphasize the Christmas spirit the movie ended with.

Jesus didn’t die for our myopic politics.

If you never tweet angrily at people you’ll never accidentally do it under a brand account.

I neither liked nor disliked Trump enough to abandon all my conservative principles.

My favorite number as a kid was 101 because if you draw a line between the zeroes and the one you make a TIE fighter.

I wish I didn’t like the Lord of the Rings extended edition because then I could have yelled out during it “More like BORED of the Rings.”

MVP this year was SarahK who worked really hard to make sure this was not a lost year for our kids. My hope is this whole pandemic will just be some vague memory for them.

So are they ever going to overthrow all that fascism in Portland?

What happens to the Peacock streaming service if people figure out they can just buy their own copy of The Office?

Everyone who trusts in any politician is like Charlie Brown trying to kick that football.

Much of politics is trying to convince people that Team Rocket is about to become the next Hitler.

And know what’s extra great about The Mandalorian? It’s my favorite show, and I can actually watch it with my kids.

“Hey, what’s the big idea?” —Donald Duck as a business consultant

I’m not one of those anti-technology, “the quaint ways of the past are superior” people, but man what I would give each night to see the sky just as our ancestors did before the electric light was invented.

I’ve started letting the kids watch some episodes of The Simpsons. What’s great, is there is an episode for whatever is going on. Since I’m having surgery tomorrow, they’re watching the one where Homer gets a triple bypass.

My older daughter is trying to test me on this.
“Well, what if we were going to the moon? Is there an episode for that?”
“Yes. Deep Space Homer. Has Buzz Aldrin, who landed on the moon with Neil Armstrong, as a guest star. It’s one of my favorites.”

Ow. Surgery hurts and anesthesia makes you sleepy.

Tired some anti-nausea medicine and worked just like that one time I tried my wife’s home remedy: I immediately vomited so much my nausea went away.

Oy. When you have two sides with terrible ideas, gridlock is the only thing saving you.

The GOP is a frog struggling to stay afloat as the scorpion on its back keeps stinging it.

If I were scripting this, having Trump removed from office a couple of days before he would normally leave would be a pretty good ending.
Oh, then I would have President Pence do a military coup. Ends up, he was the real threat all along!

If impeaching Trump and removing him from office bars him from running in 2024, that has to be tempting now to ambitious Republicans.

Probably the yankee-est thing about me is that the way I learned to make guacamole was to mix an avocado with sour cream and garlic powder.

I’m interested in the opinions of people who unequivocally condemned both the riots over the summer and the destruction yesterday and no one else.

Love your enemy will always be a radical proposition that everyone will constantly rebel against.

Back when Bitcoins were $200, I said to myself, “I should buy one just in case” but I didn’t know how and it seemed complicated.

I’ll form a classical liberal party, but it won’t be much fun. You don’t get to push around people you don’t like and rub their faces in it.

Classical Liberals: We’re for radical ideas, but only really old ones tested by time

The consequence of Hawley’s book being canceled by Simon & Schuster is the book will now get more attention than it would have and the publisher will be badgered to apply the same standard to controversial left-wing authors.

Back in 2015, I tweeted “Nominating Trump might not be a great idea,” and I’m feeling somewhat vindicated.

The far left are always having to balance that they don’t want the police wielding force but also they want everyone who disagrees with them dead or at least severely injured.

Everyone who made any excuses for the rioting over the summer at least has partial ownership of the siege on the Capitol.

Much of the left’s actions make sense if you accept the fact they can’t think more than twenty seconds into the future.

With Trump, so many people want to torch everything either defending him or fighting him.

I don’t want tribalized social media, but that’s starting to look inevitable since no one will ever come up with consistent standards that will apply to both sides equally.

So the current plan is to have what speech isn’t allowed determined by a bunch of tech companies that can’t bring themselves to condemn genocide and slavery they profit from?

Whenever Trump isn’t on Twitter, all the other accounts should be tweeting, “Where’s Trump?”

I read 1984. It’s overrated.
I think Animal Farm is near perfect, though.

The last people you want involved in politics are people who have nothing in their lives other than politics.

The left must have really wished they had a 12 on their outrage amplifiers for that siege on the Capitol. They lacked any language to denounce it they hadn’t already used on bad Trump tweets no one even remembers anymore.

How about in exchange for D.C. and Puerto Rico statehood, California is broken up into three states to give those people better representation?

I don’t get the “no fly list” thing. Either arrest people or don’t arrest people.

If I ran my own social media site, the rules would be really simple: You’re allowed to say whatever you want as long as you aren’t a Commie.
And anyone who disagrees with me is a Commie.

So, if I’m getting this right, Cuomo’s policies that absolutely everyone said would cause hospitals to throw away vaccine doses caused hospitals to throw away vaccine doses?

I was thinking who should play Admiral Thrawn (my knowledge of him solely from the Timothy Zahn novels), and the first name that popped in my head was Mads Mikkelsen (even though he’s already in the Star Wars universe). Ends up, Mads’s older brother Lars voices Thrawn in Rebels.

The people who are unequivocally celebrating different tech companies ganging up to ban Trump and Parler all would fail the marshmallow test.

Know what leftists trying to shut down people on the right from even speaking makes me think of? WW1984. It’s just like that. In that it’s not good.

Most masculine president? Probably either Teddy Roosevelt who gave a speech after being shot or Washington who won the war to start this country and then willingly gave up the power of the presidency — something harder for a politician even than speaking with a bullet in you.

People think things are bad now, but they were worse back when I was a kid. Every once in a while, someone would drop on your doorstep this big yellow book that would try to dox everyone in town. They never caught the guy who did it.

In the words of Tuco: “When you have to impeach, impeach. Don’t talk.”

left-winger sees a tornado coming directly for him but it first hits a conservative’s house
“Ha ha! This is awesome!”

Trump lost me when he claimed with no evidence that he won in a landslide when he could have just claimed with no evidence he had a close win.

I used to think Carter was the worst president, but man, look at all he had to deal with at the time: Cold War, rising crime, cratering economy. Makes us all look like sissies.
I mean, he was terrible, but you need to grade on a curve.

Acting like Planet of the Apes and making a forbidden zone for certain beliefs isn’t likely to reduce curiosity in them.

I’m just going to go ahead and admit it: Anytime you see something attributed to an anonymous source in a news article, that’s usually me. I’m really good at making stuff up; that’s why I both write satire and work as an anonymous source.

Remember when Twitter arbitrarily banned NYPost and then pretended it was out of their hands to fix that and most journalists barely even remarked on it?

You don’t want to piss off Cheneys; they shoot their friends in the face with a shotgun.

Probably a big impetus for Republicans to turn on Trump is the Georgia runoff loss. It just showed that Trump is a liability even if they try to appease him.

It has to haunt Amy Coney Barrett that after each of her SCOTUS decisions, Chris Hayes will be somewhere shaking his tiny fist.