* For placing 14 “Good ‘n’ Plenty”s into a row like a “high-capacity” magazine.

* For chewing his Pop Tart in half — a masticoaggressive mockery of the halfs vs. the half-nots.

* For chewing his nails, preventing them from growing long like a transgender girl’s would.

* For not chewing his Pop Tart, thus leaving it in the shape of a pristine mail-in ballot for Biden that had neither been folded nor ever Putin an envelope.

* For not wearing the yellow “chew”-ish star that the judge mandated after his last conviction.

* For cultural appropriation — his ancestors did not come from the ancestral homeland of Pop Tarts.

* For speaking while eating. According to YouTube, FaceBook, and Twitter, one may either eat or speak freely, but not both.

* For not giving 10% of his buck teeth to “The Big Guy.”

* For calling the chocolate-filled, chocolate-frosted Pop Tarts with chocolate sprinkles “Pop Sharts.” (The Big Guy owns 10% of Pop Tarts and is peculiarly sensitive on this issue.)

* For trying to force them on Mil’tant the Toaster.

* For accidentally putting a slice of pineapple in the same room as his Pizza Bagels.

Man, this kid is nothing but trouble!