… How do I make friends? I threw a party the other night, and even made a toast with my Bud Light, with my pinkie finger held high, but no one wanted to talk to me. What am I doing wrong?
Clueless in Omaha
Dear Mix Wymanners: I really need your advice. We installed tampon dispensers in the bathroom with the picture for people who wear pants in order to serve the people with vaginas who wear pants. We removed the tampon dispensers from the bathroom with the picture of the people who wear skirts because tampons offend the people with penises who wear skirts.
It was clearly the best option.
But now we’re faced with people wearing pants who defy the signage and enter the restrooms for people wearing skirts. Normally this would be fine, but here’s the problem. What if the people with pants need to use tampons???!!
Dear Fangbeer,
The solution is obvious. You need to install 4 dispensers: one for people with pants and no penis, one for people with skirts and no penis, one for people with pants and a penis, and one for people with skits and a penis.
Yours,
Miss Manners
Dear Gentle Fangbeer,
The situation then leads to a situation where the suppression of good manners for a short period of time, perhaps a week, hopefully will solve the problem long term.
Day One..a Sunday. Eat large quantities of turkey, beans, spicy foods and malt liquor. One must fight the urge to void the bowels.
Day Two..Monday morning..arrive for work before your fellow employees. Enter the first bathroom which has caused the most concerns and lay a deuce that would challenge Beelzebub to retain the breakfast of the damned. That evening recharge the bowels with copius amounts of pickled eggs and sausages, followed by several wheat beers with yeast sediment..
DAY Three..move on to a bathroom of the opposite biological sex to Day Two. Release the hounds and don’t flush..
Repeat the process until no one wants to use ANY bathroom…and please gentle reader, always wash your hands..
I am set to be released next month, and the warden is hinting that he expects a generous tip upon my departure. Being that this is my first incarceration, I am not really familiar with the etiquette of this situation. Is tipping the warden really customary? What is the appropriate amount? I was not exactly impressed with the service during my stay- the thermostat was always too low, the meals were hardly edible, and there were the constant threats that he was go to send me to D-Block to be cellmates with Chookie the Reamer. Quite frankly, I would prefer not to leave any type of gratuity, but I am hoping you will be able to provide guidance on the issue.
Do you expect the Spanish Inquisition?
Since you have a degree in education, shouldn’t we call you “Dr. Manners”?
Do insurance company TV ads actually generate business?
Were Baghdad Bob and Latrine Jean-Pierre separated at birth?
Have you ever left a cake out in the rain? That took so long to bake? Then lost the recipe?
Miss Manners to Graduate:
“Laundromats along the southern border that accept pesos.”
… Are there any manners left? A Concerned Citizen
Indeed. Don’t we all miss manners?
… How do I make friends? I threw a party the other night, and even made a toast with my Bud Light, with my pinkie finger held high, but no one wanted to talk to me. What am I doing wrong?
Clueless in Omaha
“Dear Miss Manners…”
Do people ever upbraid you for mannersplaining?
… I somehow angered the Emu by suggesting that molting was “a good look” for him. How can I fix this?
Call for your Kaishakunin.
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves…
“Dear Miss Manners…” I never could have believed this would happen to me.
… we have been trying to contact you regarding your car’s extended warranty.
Dear Miss Manners: Don’t get your panties in a bunch if I hold the door for you.
Dear Miss Manners: My affinity for the oxford comma is of no concern to you.
Dear Mix Wymanners: I really need your advice. We installed tampon dispensers in the bathroom with the picture for people who wear pants in order to serve the people with vaginas who wear pants. We removed the tampon dispensers from the bathroom with the picture of the people who wear skirts because tampons offend the people with penises who wear skirts.
It was clearly the best option.
But now we’re faced with people wearing pants who defy the signage and enter the restrooms for people wearing skirts. Normally this would be fine, but here’s the problem. What if the people with pants need to use tampons???!!
Dear Fangbeer,
The solution is obvious. You need to install 4 dispensers: one for people with pants and no penis, one for people with skirts and no penis, one for people with pants and a penis, and one for people with skits and a penis.
Yours,
Miss Manners
I would advise the people who menstruate to identify as non-menstruators during the time of the month they need to.
But I don’t need to dispense people with pants skirts or penises.
Dear Gentle Fangbeer,
The situation then leads to a situation where the suppression of good manners for a short period of time, perhaps a week, hopefully will solve the problem long term.
Day One..a Sunday. Eat large quantities of turkey, beans, spicy foods and malt liquor. One must fight the urge to void the bowels.
Day Two..Monday morning..arrive for work before your fellow employees. Enter the first bathroom which has caused the most concerns and lay a deuce that would challenge Beelzebub to retain the breakfast of the damned. That evening recharge the bowels with copius amounts of pickled eggs and sausages, followed by several wheat beers with yeast sediment..
DAY Three..move on to a bathroom of the opposite biological sex to Day Two. Release the hounds and don’t flush..
Repeat the process until no one wants to use ANY bathroom…and please gentle reader, always wash your hands..
Dear Miss Manners,
I am set to be released next month, and the warden is hinting that he expects a generous tip upon my departure. Being that this is my first incarceration, I am not really familiar with the etiquette of this situation. Is tipping the warden really customary? What is the appropriate amount? I was not exactly impressed with the service during my stay- the thermostat was always too low, the meals were hardly edible, and there were the constant threats that he was go to send me to D-Block to be cellmates with Chookie the Reamer. Quite frankly, I would prefer not to leave any type of gratuity, but I am hoping you will be able to provide guidance on the issue.
Dear Miss Manners,
Do you expect the Spanish Inquisition?
Since you have a degree in education, shouldn’t we call you “Dr. Manners”?
Do insurance company TV ads actually generate business?
Were Baghdad Bob and Latrine Jean-Pierre separated at birth?
Have you ever left a cake out in the rain? That took so long to bake? Then lost the recipe?