Secret Service Looking for 20-Year-Old Long-Haired Nerd Who Entered Bureau of Printing and Engraving With Bolt-Cutters, Knapsack, and Forklift and Made Off With Engraving Plates and Paper
“That building in particular has a sloped roof at its highest point. And so, you know, there’s a safety factor that would be considered there that we wouldn’t want to put somebody up on a sloped roof,” Secret Service Director Cheatle told ABC News in an interview Tuesday.
BREAKING NEWS: Secret Service gives up protecting president at any venues that have handicapped ramps. “Slopey Work. Very Slopey.”
“And so, you know, the decision was made to secure the building, from inside.”
You can “secure” the outside of a building from inside. Who knew?
Why take the plates and paper when they have pallets of printed and cut money? Take the tour if you go to DC. seeing a few million in $20 bills on a pallet makes you think a little bit about finding a bolt cutter and a forklift.
In a prepared statement, Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle said, “This is not my fault, as the Secret Service’s woke employment ad specifically states that long-haired, freaky, nerdy burglars need not apply. Especially if they tucked their hair up under a Billed Back Better hat and asked why. Do this, don’t do that, can’t they read the ad?”
“You had one job. OK, two.”
“That building in particular has a sloped roof at its highest point. And so, you know, there’s a safety factor that would be considered there that we wouldn’t want to put somebody up on a sloped roof,” Secret Service Director Cheatle told ABC News in an interview Tuesday.
BREAKING NEWS: Secret Service gives up protecting president at any venues that have handicapped ramps. “Slopey Work. Very Slopey.”
“And so, you know, the decision was made to secure the building, from inside.”
You can “secure” the outside of a building from inside. Who knew?
PepsiCo had no slopped roofs.
“Just how much could a scrawny kid like that carry off, anyway?”
Why take the plates and paper when they have pallets of printed and cut money? Take the tour if you go to DC. seeing a few million in $20 bills on a pallet makes you think a little bit about finding a bolt cutter and a forklift.
That much money on a pallet can only mean one thing…it’s being sent to Iran.
In a prepared statement, Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle said, “This is not my fault, as the Secret Service’s woke employment ad specifically states that long-haired, freaky, nerdy burglars need not apply. Especially if they tucked their hair up under a Billed Back Better hat and asked why. Do this, don’t do that, can’t they read the ad?”