From 2012, this entry by Keln still makes me laugh. — The Editors
R’lyeh, South Pacific (NPN) – Potential presidential candidate Cthulhu has made it official: he has decided not to run as a third party “greater of evils” option in this year’s U.S. Presidential race.
The Dread god is sitting this one out.
“I just don’t see the point,” a somber Cthulhu said. “I mean, my platform has always been the total and utter destruction and subjugation of the human race, starting with the United States. But this year, there is already a candidate who can help accomplish these things.”
Cthulhu worries that running for president could jeopardize the Obama campaign by stealing votes from the misanthropic and nihilist segments of the Democrat base, which are sizable, but not enough to win an election on.
“The worst thing that can happen here, is that people select the lesser of evils, Mitt Romney. I just can’t be party to that, when I am such an outspoken proponent of the greater of evils in an election.” said Cthulhu, while eating one of our reporters. “Mmm nom nom, um, if Obama keeps up what he is doing, burrrrrp, then I could take the election in 2016, and the United States will be so broken by then, it will be child’s play to finish the work I intend to do.”
In other news, while it was speculated that General Zod would also enter the race again, very little has been heard out of his camp. Zod himself was unavailable for comment when asked about it, but a spokesperson did respond to NPN’s inquest.
“The General has not made a decision on whether he will run this year, or, more likely, simply take over the world.” said the Zod spokesperson. “Kneel before Zod.”