I will be semi-liveblogging tonight’s festivities (not the Michigan primary, the real festivities) over at Snark Raving Mad! I promise to attempt to be witty, and I’m sure the always verbose Cadet Happy will have plenty to say. You be there!
Archive of posts filed under the American Idol category.
American Idol Season Yawn – The Finale! Yay! It’s Over! Can I Get an Amen, Y’all!
Yo. Papa John’s. I don’t know where you get off calling this a large. A large pizza, by definition, has twelve slices. You wanna bring me a large pizza and give me eight slices? What the heck? Whoever came up with the size chart was tripping on Tulips.
Eight slices. Whatever. I do like that online ordering thingy, though. Used to do that all the time in Amarillo, and nobody gives me a long, awkward pause on the other end of the line when I order a pineapple, banana peppers (or jalapenos, depending on my mood), and mushroom pizza.
I will love Pauler forever for tripping on Tulips last night. Probably my favorite moment of the season.
Ryan says it’s the night we’ve all been waiting for. Amen, broothah. Amen. Oh yeah! Can’t wait for LOST. I hope Jack and Sayid get in a brawl, and Sayid buries Jack up to his head in the sand so he gets a nasty sunburn and can’t try to become self-appointed king of the island again until after Sayid has taken care of The Others, Iraqi-style.
Oh, on the amen front, I was trying to say that we’re all just ready for it to be over. But y’all probably picked that up from the title of the post, right? Right.
So will it be the beatboxer from Seattle or the sweetheart from Arizona? They couldn’t come up with something better for Jordin than “sweetheart”? Like “that chick with pipes who can totally sing the skin off a chicken”?
That main backup singer girl (the one in the middle) is wearing a corset for a shirt. No lie. She’s the one that always seems to be in charge. Teri Hatcher is in the audience, aren’t you happy? There’s Jeff Foxworthy, too!
Blake’s cheers in the audience are louder than Jordin’s. Dun dun dunnnnnnnn. Randy is wearing a black suit with some kind of Liberace lace on the cuffs and lapels and matching tie. Pauler is wearing a nice cleavage formaly dress with long hair and equally long earrings (don’t those things hurt? and when did giant earrings reprise?). Simon is wearing last night’s Super Big Finale Two Hour Special White Pressed Shirt and Black Jacket I’m British and Dashing Ensemble. You know the one. In the freeze-frame, Pauler doesn’t look like she tripped on Tulips today, and I hope I’m wrong. Last night, she was my GIRL!
Randy thinks it’s gonna be a hot finale. Hot, baby! And he asks Ryan to pick the winner, and Ryan says no, because then the loser won’t come on E! and his radio show. He didn’t say that stuff, but y’all know that’s what he’s thinking. Pauler feels excellent, and Ryan says… drumroll… “Simon, you already look bored.” “Well, sweetheart, it’s because I’m listening to your pretty mouth. Mwah. See you later.” “No, you’re gay!”
Ry-ry says it’s been exhausting. Blake got fitted by some designer I’ve never heard of, and Jordin got fitted by that Badgley guy anyone who’s ever read People’s Oscar recap issue has heard of for sure. And now Jordin and Blake are singing “I Saw Her Standing There” and holding hands and everything. Blake’s acting like he’s into it and everything. They even do a little peck on the cheek thing at the end. Dude, she’s 17, and you’re way older! But I guess that’s legal, right?
Oh come on. I’m just kidding.
And now, they’re tuning into Gwen Stefani, who is on tour, and she is going to sing a song for us remotely. It’s called “Four in the Morning.” Oh my. She is wearing…
American Idol Season Yawn – “Top” Two, or actually a better title for this would just be American Idol Season Yawn: Finale Eve
So. Finale Eve. I can’t say I’m bummed about the result of DWTS, because if I were giving a cumulative winner mirror ball trophy, I’d give it to Apolo and Julianne by a sequin. But based on last night and tonight, especially based on the freestyle, come on. Definitely Joey & Kym. By a Padawan braid. Anyway, well done all of them, but what was up with Emmitt (yay and sigh) saying that the mirror ball trophy can be improved upon? I mean, I guess they could put the words in bright red sequins, but I think it’s shiny. Oh! Speaking of that! My cousin Kerri had her baby Sunday night, I think, and she named her Kaylee! How shiny is that?! Though I guess that means we’re stuck with Inara or Zoe. River’s out. I mean, come on. Geographical features? Oh crap. Frank just said that River would be a nice name. “Hi, I’m River Styx Fleming. Would you like to buy my artwork? I made it out of pine needles and moss.” Seriously, he is not allowed to name our babies. No no. The only geographical feature I will consider is K2.
Oh yeah. American Idol, is it? Let’s to it, then. Ryan says it’s 100,000 down, two to go. 100,000 exactly, Ryan? Are your records that good? I want an audit. One guy, one girl.
This.
American Idol Season Yawn — Top Three
Two chicks and a communist walk onto a stage. No wait. I have no punchline. Scratch that.
Tonight, the judges each pick a song to sabotage someone, the producers pick a song to sabotage someone, the contestants pick a song to sabotage themselves.
01 Jordin is home in Glendale, Arizona, and the mayor tells her that Simon says (haha) to sing “Wishing on a Star” by Rose Royce. Jordin smiles big and claps and thinks, “I have no idea what that is!” Me either! Huh. So I wouldn’t have thought Simon would want to sabotage Jordin with such a boring song. Was it this boring in 1977? Should I come out now and admit that R&B generally makes me want to fry all my electronics so I can’t hear it? Ok, maybe my reaction isn’t that violent, but it does give me the blahs. I mean, all I ask for in a song is that it have a characteristic. Any characteristic. I guess uncharacteristic is a characteristic. Ok, you win, R&B. I give up. I hate the baby doll dress. I mean, I like it in the privacy of my own home. I have one like it in lime green, actually. I wear it when Frank and I are about to, you know, DO IT. White top, colored bodice, spaghetti straps, matching undies. I like the hair, though. Cute. I can’t say anything bad about the vocals, she sounded great, but the song was so change-the-station for me. RANDY: This is where I’m trying to see who’s in it to win it. That was a very good vocal, kinda blah blah blah Beyonce… SARAHK: Yes, you did remind me of Stephanie Edwards. ROWDI: Woof, woof, woof. SARAHK: LOL! RANDY: Yo, that was hot. PAULA: Simon picked a good song for you. SIMON: You sang it brilliantly, Jordin. I just wish we hadn’t done the weird jazz arrangement. I like the pure version of the song better. RYAN: So you didn’t like the song you chose. SIMON: No, you’re gay. RYAN: Were you surprised he chose that song for you? JORDIN: I had actually never heard that song before… SARAHK: No! JORDIN: So I was like “Ooooookay” but I loved it, so thank you! SARAHK: Just once, I want to hear a contestant say, “Thanks for sabotaging me. But I have two other songs tonight, and I’ll try to sing the crap out of them to bring myself back from the brink that your choice got me to. Hopefully these other numskulls chose equally nondescript songs for the other two! Go Jordin!”
02 Blake is in Bothell, Washington, where his Baby Mayor tells him that Paula chose “Roxanne” by the Police for him. That’s cute. Paula is having him sing about prostitution. So adorable for “family” shows. Song choice notwithstanding, commie thing notwithstanding, lemme try to opine. He looks fine, whatever. Is he trying to sing offkey, though? Maybe I haven’t heard “Roxanne” in a long time, but I remember the first syllable of that sweet prostitute’s name being higher in most cases than Blake is singing it. It’s almost like he’s singing Roxanne Lite, taking it lazy. Is it just me? Because I am thoroughly exhausted. It could be just me. RANDY: Great, great performance, I like the whole thing with the one hand on the mic stand. There were a couple of spots in there for me, and I’ve gotta give it an A. SARAHK: Huh. PAULA: (Seal clap.) SARAHK: Yay! And look at all your collagen and lip gloss! Yay! PAULA: You did me proud. I thought you were fantastic. You felt comfortable up there, you changed phrasing. It was good, it was fresh. SARAHK: Huh. SIMON: I’m not going to call that earthshattering, because it wasn’t. SARAHK: Thank you. SIMON: The problem with that song is that you’re always going to do an impression of Sting. SARAHK: That was NOT an impression of Sting. SIMON: It was good, it wasn’t great. (Boos from audience.) Oh, come on, you can’t say it was fantastic.
03 Melinda is in Nashville at the Governor’s mansion, it would seem, and the Governor says, “I don’t receive any faxes that start with ‘Check it out.’ Nice, Randy. And Randy can’t even refrain from name-dropping in his fax to the governor. The song is from one of the greatest singers in the known world, “and I’ve worked with her before.” Melinda is singing “I Believe in You and Me” by Whitney Houston. Have you, Randy? Have you worked with your pal Whitney? Then, this is my favorite part, the Governor misreads Randy’s name as “Randy Johnson.” Hahahahaha. Maybe he’s a baseball fan. He quickly corrects himself. Then, this is one of the reasons I love Melinda, Melinda smiles at the camera and says, “Thank you, Randy Johnson.” Yes, thank you for Melinda’s song choice. You’re the only one who picked a good song. Melinda’s hair looks great. I think she’s wearing Jordin’s hair from last week. I’ve wanted to hear her sing a balladish type song, and I knew she would do well. This is great. There’s a spot at the end where she almost has a little bit of trouble on the long, low note, but she pulls it out. Best of the night so far. Oh, and Frank was reading The Corner earlier for debate news and told me that K-Lo said Blake won round one… So they must have had a side game of Rock Paper Scissors going tonight, right? Because his offkey, lazy, half-rendition of the prostitute song was not half as good as Melinda’s first outing, and while Jordin was boring and wearing some of my lingerie, she was technically much better than Blake. K-Lo, I don’t like calling out other people on their opinions, because that’s just what they are–opinions–but to quote Randy’s good friend Whitney, crack is whack. RANDY: Check it out. I wanted to throw a little difficulty at you. I figured if you could do this song, you deserve to get the grand prize. You blew it out the box. SARAHK: What box? What does that mean? RANDY: You rose to the occasion, I liked that little falsetto thing. Well done. PAULA: Melinda, you were fantastic, amazing. And I think one of your best performances this season. SIMON: Very very difficult song to sing. I think it was one of your best performances in the last four weeks. SARAHK: Agreed. SIMON: And round one goes to Melinda. SARAHK: No doubt. And winner of Judges Pick the Songs this year is Randy Johnson! Go Big Unit!
Ha. Ryan is impersonating Randy’s yeah yeah yeahs, and Simon asks if he is drunk. “No, I’m totally sober. And totally straight. Unlike you.” “No, you’re gay!”
American Idol Season Yawn – Top Six Double Fantastic Double Elimination Non-Charity Event Night — Total Bloodbath
Ok, peeps. I realize that I didn’t blog last night’s show, and I know y’all hate that. Just hate it with all of your bones, because you live for my AI blogging. Oh I know! So tonight I’m gonna try to blog the results show with flashbacks to last night’s show so you can get my opinions. That’s why you’re here, right? And if you want to skip to the end, I predict that Chris and Phil are going home on American Idol Super-Fantastic Bloodbath Night (or whatever I called it before). The way I ranked them was Melinda (just barely #1 over the #2 contestant), Blake a microscopically close second (I’ll explain later), a shockingly not boring and two-weeks-in-a-row not chesty LaKisha solidly in third (and were it not for the rabbit coming out of Blake’s communist hat last night, I might have put her ahead of him and wanted to kiss her myself, though platonically on the cheek, mkay?), and lagging pretty far behind, I had Chris in fourth, Phil in fifth because even though he didn’t suck, he was just so stinking boring, and Jordin (whew, what a disaster that was!) firmly in last. But I think Jordin has a good, solid fanbase.
American Idol Season Yawn – Superfantastic Lifesaving Charity Event Top Six elimination show
Two hours tonight, y’all. And all the contestants are dressed in white. Yikes. And Ryan says there were over 70 million votes, yay for that, they got their extra 5 million bucks from Newscorp, and Ford, Coke, and the Evil Phone Corporation Which Shall Not Be Named were huge sponsors.
Ryan says it’s the most shocking result ever in Idol history or something like that. So Melinda’s out? Because if so, then there’s no point in watching the rest of the season, best of luck with your album, Jordin, I’ll buy it if your first single is good. Or Simon is going to sing tonight? Because Ryan did ask how much money they would have to raise in order for him to sing on AI. And Simon said it would have to be more than 20 million, or 20 million votes, or something like that. I don’t remember. Maybe that’s the shocker. No, it must be that Melinda is leaving. America is so stupid about music.
But seriously, if Melinda or Jordin goes, what’s the point? This season is whack.
Ellen Degeneres is in the Walt Disney Theater or something like that, where Earth, Wind, and Fire is performing a medley of their hits. That’s coo’.
Randy Jackson takes us on a tour of New Orleans.
And now there is the donation number. 1877-IDOL-AID. Or AmericanIdol.com.
Is that Quincy Jones? Brand new song written for this event by Quincy. Did he age about 40 years since Ryan shushed him a few weeks ago on the show? Is that someone else altogether? The kids are singing the new song, something about a time to share, and it’s set to an African drumbeat or something. I like the beat, and it’s very showtunes, so I know the men are HATING it. I like it unless they try to make this a new single or something. They said this is the next “We are the World” or something. Eh, it’s ok.
That guy from Will and Grace gives the phone number again and says that if every person who ever voted for Sanjaya gave just one dollar, something something something.
For the record, I absolutely DESPISE the Cingular / new Evil Phone Corporation Which Shall Not Be Named commercial with the mom and daughter speaking in text speak. DESPISE.
Ben Stiller is on, and he has grey hair. He’s fighting with his stylist over flyaway hair and then naming off all his movies. I LOVE Zoolander. He’s gonna start singing and will not stop until they’ve raised 200,000,000. And he is singing, and they are scrolling, “Please call 1877-IDOL-AID… as soon as possible… and stop him singing…” “Immediately…” He’s still singing… Funny. They’ve raised $8K. Come on, America.
Ryan and Simon are doing more of the Africa segment, and it’s very heartbreaking. Children of 12 as heads of household. There’s a boy named Grauman (sp?) raising his sibling(s). Very sad.
Ben Stiller is still singing. $11K.
Teri Hatcher wants you to give, too. So does SarahK.
Forest Whitaker sends a message from Uganda and congratulates everyone taking part in Idol Gives Back.
America voted, and Melinda is safe. Okay, so it’s not the most shocking result ever. Ryan, you either lied, or Simon is going to sing later. My money is on Simon singing. Ooh! Maybe he does a duet with Simon.
Pauler went to the Boys & Girls Club in Hollywood. There are 4000 B&G Clubs across America. Really good work they do. Gets kids off the streets when their parents aren’t home after school.
Il Divo is on to perform “Somewhere.” I heart this song when it’s done well. I suspect they’ll do it well. You know, I have issues with opera-type music: enunciation. What’s so wrong with enunciation, opera people? You’re too good for it? Otherwise, I’m on board. And that was lovely. I love male voices. But as a wise Diana Ross would say, you should “pronunciate.”
Dr. Phil says to give money. Remember, you’ll never stand taller than when you stoop to help a child.
Dr. House, Hugh Laurie, tells us in a cockney accent that we should phone in and help the children.
Ryan says that a member of the audience can introduce the next act if they donate $50. They pan to the audience, and Jack Black is already reaching into his pocket. I say, “It’s going to be Jack Black.” When they “draw” Jack Black’s seat number, B19, a bingo number no less, Frank, who is not watching, asks how I knew. “I was watching the show.” He’s more interested in getting to Lost. He is not pleased with 1-hour results shows, much less 2 hours? Frank, it’s about The Children! And no one will call in to help The Children if they do a half hour results show. I’ve almost called in twice now and suspect I’ll be suckered in by the end of the show. (Don’t tell Frank, because we seriously have no twenties in our coat pockets, Ellen.)
Jack calls Ryan “Crusty,” pushes him out of the way, and tells him that he will not be introducing anyone, he will be performing on AI, to be judged by this panel of judges. He performs “Kiss From a Rose,” “from Batman Returns, the most sensitive of all the Batmans,” and his friend from the audience already has a rose, and Jack pulls a rose from his pocket even. The judges stop him. RANDY: Yo, yo, dawg. What are you doing, dawg? JACK: I’m trying to be America’s Next Top Model. I mean, Idol! But give me your true critique. RANDY: I think the stretchy pants would have helped. SARAHK: Nacho Libre was funny, that’s true. But dude. I like you better in Tenacious D. JACK: You loved it. Come on Paula, give me some of that sweet love. Come on, I can take it, I’ve got the stones. PAULA: The School of Rock called. They want their diploma back. SARAHK: TOO MEAN! PAULA: You were crappy. Crappy. SARAHK: Could you talk like that on a real judging night? SIMON: The truth? The truth? You were better than Sanjaya. (Crowd goes wild, Sanjaya in the audience goes wild. Sanjaya’s sister looks furtively at Sanjaya like, “My poor brother.” But Sanjaya is just happy for 15:02.) JACK: That’s your idea of a critique? If Seal were here, he would give me a real critique. He’d tell you how awesome that was. RANDY: Yo yo yo. Seal’s right here. JACK: What’d you think, Seal? SEAL: (Shakes head gravely.) That was the best rendition of “Kiss From a Rose” I have ever heard.
He’s so hilarious. Jack Black that is.
Blake is safe. After that commie bullcrap of last night, he is safe. Wow.
Carrie Underwood went to Africa, and there’s a performance and montage of her carrying around little African children and singing “I’ll Stand By You.” You can download it from iTunes, and all proceeds go to the charity. I will be doing that right away. It’s beautiful, acoustic guitar and violin (or fiddle, as we call it in country music) only. Wow. Contestants? That’s how it’s done.
Rascal Flatts performs “My Wish.”
cofounder of myspace is there in the audience. Scoff!
The next segment is on a coalmining community in Kentucky. I can’t write about it. Too sad. They need money. 1-877-IDOL-AID.
The crappy Ford video is “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” Then there’s a montage of celebrities lipsynching “Stayin’ Alive.” That was actually very cute. And as much as I do not like Queen Gwyneth, she looks fantastic. For a stick. Dr. House is so funny.
Pennywise the Phil is safe. So it’s down to Chris, Kiki, and Jordin.
Back to Africa and some HIV-positive kids whose parents are dead. And then people filmed with Simon and Ryan who died later.
Josh Groban sings “You Raise Me Up” with the African Children’s Chorus. Those little children. They’re so precious. I’m sorry, this is going to sound racist, but black children are the cutest children of all. They just are. They have the sweetest smiles and the brightest twinkles in their eyes. If you don’t like it, well, BITE ME.
I just said to Frank, “Black children are just the cutest children. I hope we have black children someday.” He said, “You are such a cutie head.” Then he laughed and turned to me. “You actually thought that for a minute, didn’t you?” “Yes. They’re so adorable!” “If you really want them that badly, we can always adopt.”
Kelly Clarkson is singing “Up to the Mountain,” featuring Jeff Beck. I wasn’t listening to the lyrics, was reading Hot Air, but she sounded awesome, whatever she sang.
Ben Stiller back on. $38K. I’m starting to think this was prerecorded, because Ellen went and announced how awesome she is by giving her amount that I don’t think she should have announced on TV, because what is the point of telling everyone of your generosity?
LaKisha is safe. It’s down to Jordin and Chris. If it’s to be shocking, it’s Jordin, but it should be Chris long before Jordin. I still think the shocker is Simon singing. Or a Simon/Paula duet with Randy playing whatever instrument he always brags about playing.
“Prepare to be startled,” says Ryan. I’m sorry, I have to go throw up now. Celine really likes to duet with dead people. She’s dueting with one of my all-time least favorites. Elvis. Yes, that one. Oh no. The Children, the Idol Children, are out on stage to sing backup to this filmed duet, Celine and Elvis are both projected onto stage, and the Children are standing off to the side. “If I Can Dream” is what “they” sang. Celine off in her own little Canadian world again. If I Can Have a Nightmare while awake, peeps, this is it. I swear to you, this is it.
Madonna is there with the Malauian children, the ones she didn’t adopt I presume, asking you to give money.
So now we’ve decided that we’re going to adopt an older black child someday. I want one from America, since we have plenty of American children who need our help and whatnot, and older kids don’t get adopted as easier.
$30 Million almost already. Yay! Keep giving. See, I think we all wanted to hear a total first.
Who sang the final song in the finale last year? Taylor, Katharine, or Elliott? Well, hmm… the winner usually does that… right? That’s all the hint you’re getting.
Now Annie Lennox is on. She’s singing “Bridge Over Troubled Water,” and frankly, she creeps me out and has done since she left the Eurythmics. Where’s Clay Aiken tonight, anyway? Wow, she’s wearing an AIDS ribbon. I much prefer that cause to ManBearPig.
Aww, look at all the starving children in Africa and America and on the Indian reservation (I don’t know if they like to be called “America” or not, honestly, I don’t) saying “thank you.” Give them money!
I’m still reeling from that Celine/Elvis thing. I need Paula’s vodka. Care to share, Laker girl?
Oh hey, look! It’s a results show!
Rob Schneider: “Hi, I’m Adam Sandler. And you’re watching Idol Gives Back.”
Chris has a mic in his hand. Jordin does not. Chris is safe, though. Jordin is also safe.
Now at one point, I did say to Frank, “The only other thing that could be a shocker is that there’s a tie, and no one goes home.” If only I’d written that, y’all would be telling me I’m so smart. Woulda coulda shoulda.
That was so mean to Jordin, though. Making her think she was going home. Next week, two people will go home.
They show a clip of the kids singing “American Prayer,” and Bono comes in to “mentor” them. He says, “Well, you murdered that, didn’t you?” Haha. Anyway, he talks to them about poverty. I actually like him. I think he has a good heart and doesn’t hate people. Prove me wrong about him, but I’ve never heard him be venomous about people who aren’t on the same page as him. He just wants to get us all on the same page. Honey over vinegar and whatnot. He’s probably a little idealistic, but he doesn’t come across as an evil communist. He wants to help people, and any time I’ve heard him speak about America, he has nothing but good things to say about us.
And the kids sing us out. I hope they wear something other than white leisure suits next week. Eek.
I hope Kiki and Blake go next week. I’m totally out on both of them.
American Idol Season Yawn – Superfantastic Lifesaving Charity Event Top Six Night
Was painting while listening to this last night. Getting to Texas is much more important than American Idol. Season four? I might have taken a break. For Pennywise and Kiki’s breasts? Not so much. I did take the time to vote to help the children in Africa. After all, I was touched seeing Simon do all but cry. I’ll bet he even cried when the cameras weren’t on him. He has an image to uphold. But see, y’all? Told you he has a heart.
Oh, see, now I’m actually watching it, and I don’t want to. It’s too sad. SING! Too SAD!
01 Chris is singing “Change the World” by Clapton. It was understated and nice but a little too whiny and maybe too underwhelming. He looked good. RANDY: Yo, dawg, for the first time in a long time, you’re in it to win it. Fly jacket, too. Fly, fly. PAULA: Great song choice, I’m really proud of you, really exciting. SIMON: Competition really starts tonight. This kinda reminded me of the first time we saw you and said you had a lot of potential. Good vocal, much more soul, it was sexy. I think you did really well. SARAHK: I think they overpraised you a bit, but it was good.
Ryan said something about myspace, but I scoff at myspace. That’s right, I said it, I went there. I scoff!
I’m glad they’re not just focusing on Katrina victims in America. Remember back when there were other poor people in America besides Katrina victims? I’m glad they noted that for the people watching who don’t get that.
02 Melinda is singing “There Will Come a Day” by Faith Hill. Hmm, not one I ever would have expected sung on American Idol. Look, she’s back to modest, looks great. Her hair is fantastic. I LOVE the dress. I hope singing about faith doesn’t hurt her. Whoa, in the kitchen last night, this was really good, but honestly I had her fairly far behind Jordin, squarely in second place. Now she’s in a very close second, because wow. I just got chills, dawgs. That was amazing. I haven’t even been amazed by her recently, but whew! Yo. Her line was busy when I tried voting for her last night, BTW. RANDY: You’re the resident pro. You just so dope! I don’t even know what to say anymore, you have arrived! Melinda is here! PAULA: There’s no one like you! You’re magical! SIMON: You’re not going to look surprised, are you? Promise? What I loved was that it didn’t seem like a copycat performance, the second half of the song was outstanding, blah blah, great. SARAHK: Sorry, I lost track. We loved her, right? She was the stuff, yes? Yes. RYAN: Simon, did you lose a button? SARAHK: I believe what Ryan is trying to say is that he has no chest hair and would like to borrow some.
03 Blake says the biggest sacrifice he’s had to make is missing his family and friends. My answer to that question would have been so different. No offense to family and friends. “My biggest sacrifice competing here, in California, in American Idol is that they don’t let me carry my guns around to protect myself, and I have weak arms, but now that I’m famous, maybe someone will stalk me and I can get a permit.” So Blake is singing a song that Frank and I both spewed at the same time, “Ugh, I hate this song.” “Imagine” by John Lennon. I’m not such a fan of communism and songs about imagining that there’s no heaven and no religion and what a wonderful world it would be if we had no borders, no God, and yay! Communism! Have I vomited yet? Yuck. Anyway, so Blake has forever lost any chance of getting my vote by singing one of the stupidest songs ever written and pegging himself as a communist. Let me try to be objective. You know what I imagine when I imagine no countries? The EU. Not warm fuzzies you’re getting from me, Blake. NOT WARM FUZZIES! “I hope some day you’ll join us.” Hair is fine. Outfit is bland, beige is not his color, corduroy again? Can we try a different fabric? Beautiful tone in your voice, incredibly boring performance. RANDY: Great choice of song. Amazing, amazing song. SARAHK: You know it’s about communism, right? RANDY: On the performance side, dude, it was just kind of alright for me, dawg. It was just ok for me. Just keeping it real. PAULA: It was the first real sensitive, emotional performance we’ve seen from you, Blake, and that goes a long way. SARAHK: Not the first time he’s tried to be sensitive and emotional, and he failed at this. You know this is about communism, right? And you know that communism is evil, right? SIMON: This is tricky. You’ve chosen one of the big songs of all time. You felt sincere, but it didn’t really go anywhere. But I think the most important thing is that you were sincere, so good.
American Idol Season Yawn – Top however many are left
I was in the kitchen washing walls, caulking, spackling, taping–the norm–last night, so I was too busy to write about AI. If I remember correctly, LaKisha was the worst of the bunch, and I agreed with what the judges said. Granted, before she sang, I was saying to Frank, “Eh, this is the most uninspiring night yet. It’s boring without Gina, and I don’t even have Haley’s Hoo-hah to hate on, so I probably won’t even blog it at all.” Then I heard that Kiki was going to sing “Jesus Take the Wheel”. Ok, first off, that’s the song that went through my head on 2/26/07 when I had my spinout on I-95 and almost got flattened by a spinout. I’m not lying, instead of a gospel hymn like “Paradise Valley” or “We Shall Assemble”, I got Carrie Underwood in my head. And now Kiki wants to go ruin my epiphany-life-change song? It’s a good thing I didn’t see the swinging knockers while listening to her butchering of it, or I would have to start withholding that number.
Anyway, we’re on our way out the door to Bible study, peeps, so here’s my quick order, from what I can remember. It was a better night than usual, but it was still not worth leaving the kitchen for. Ouch. I can’t even remember all their names. That’s gotta sting, kids.
Jordin, but she did have some pitch problems. I guess I wasn’t jumping up and down since I’ve done better on that song. Not many times, and I probably couldn’t do better in front of millions of viewers on this week in history on that stage, but I’m a harsh critic. Oh, but she’s only 17. Hey, I put her in 1st place, what do y’all want?
Melinda
Blake
Phil
Chris
Sanjaya
LaKisha
Going home? Chris.
American Idol Six – Top Nine elimination night
I fear that Gina is going home, even though I didn’t predict it, and even though she doesn’t deserve it. Who did I predict? Phil.
The bad Ford commercial is truly freaky and bad. Oh, and it’s green. It’s “One Love”, and they take soap out of rainforest flowers or something, and Kermit makes a guest appearance, and there’s a Hybrid, and Kermit loves being green. I’m gonna stop even mentioning these things.
Oh no no no. No no. The groups are divided thus: Blake, Chris, Sanjaya; Haley, Gina, Phil; Jordin, Melina, LaKisha. One of the groups is the bottom three. And I’m guessing it’s Haley, Gina, Phil. Gina does not deserve to be with Phil and Haley.
Haley is in a hoo-hah skirt again, just in case she needs to perform again.
Jordin, Melinda, LaKisha are safe. They are the top three. Blake, Sanjaya, Chris are safe. They are the middle three. Haley, Gina, and Phil are the bottom three. Did I already say that Gina does not deserve to be with Pennywise and Hoo-Hah Girl?
American Idol “Challenge”: Which American Idol finalist was jokingly referred to as “Chicken Little”? Kevin Covais, Bucky Covington, Taylor Hicks. Jokingly, you say? Nah, just kidding, Kevin. I mean Bucky! I’m not giving y’all the answer, you have to have AI brains, dawgs.
Tony Bennett has the flu. So in his place sings Michael Buble. Um, I accept the replacement. Funny, he’s an amazing talent, but if he were a contestant, I would tell him he has the Chris Richardson Microphone Placement Disease. He keeps losing the mic. But wow.
Ha, when the yummy singing is over (See kids? That’s how it’s done on standards night.), Michael (we’re old friends because he just sang to me, so surnames are an unnecessary formality now) asks Ryan if he’s wasting his votes by still voting for Antonella. Ryan recovers after a few moments’ silence and says he’s doing the same thing.
So now it’s Haley, The Glock, and Phil in the middle of the stage. Once again, Phil is sent from the bottom three back to safety. Randy’s a little surprised about Gina, a little surprised about both of them. Simon is not surprised. Simon, you are breaking Gina’s heart.
Haley and her hoo-hah are staying, and The Glock is going home. Wrong wrong wrong. America sucks.
Agh, I just realized she sang a going home song. Meanwhile, Sanjaya and his ridiculous hair are still around. Haley and her stinky hoo-hah are still around. Pennywise and his untanned head are still around, while his poor baby is at home alone.
Hmm. I’m losing my love for AI.
What’s going on?
American Idol Six – top 10 girls
Paula says that since the girls look gorgeous, they’re ready to sing tonight. Yes, because a pretty face and pretty clothes equal a great voice, as we saw with Kellie Pickler. cough cough
01– Gina Glocksen is dedicating to her boyfriend, and her dedication is sweet and all. She’s singing “Alone” by Heart, and this is going to have to be really good, because Carrie did this two years ago and brought down the house, even got Simon to give it up for her. Except Carrie had really bad hair when she did it. Oh, plus when I do this one at karaoke, I’m pretty good. Just sayin’. That reminds me of a story. At Rachel’s Halloween party this year, there were these people there that we had never met, and mind you, I sing Heart all the time, Heart is perfect for my range, I generally hog all the Heart songs at karaoke (we have a machine ourselves), and I usually handle their songs with ease, except maybe a few low notes that get in my way. Anyway, this neighbor lady from down the street, when she saw what song I was singing (“Alone”), said, “Wow, you’re going to attempt Ann Wilson?” and I just held my microphone, waited for my words to come onscreen, and said kinda offhandedly, “Yeah, I’m gonna give it a shot,” and could not look at Rachel, because if I’d looked at her, we would have shared a look and I would have laughed. We can both sing, and we know it. I mean, I’m no Kelly Clarkson, but I’m easily as good as half the girls in the top 10 tonight. So the neighbor lady was a little surprised when I got to the chorus. I thought it was funny, and Rachel and I laughed about it after the neighbor went home. We didn’t want to be rude and laugh to her face.
Oh wait, this isn’t the Talk About Me Hour. Yes, back to Gina and American Idol. Gina’s hair is good. Still with the red tints in the black hair, perfect for her. I’m not sure about the way she’s dressed, because if she’s wanting to be a rocker, the red satin knee-dress is a little nice, but then again, it’s red satin, and red satin is a little sassy. The pretty jewelry, though — maybe it should have been spikes? No wait, there are spiky bracelets, so she’s covered there. It’s ok. At least she didn’t get rid of the tongue bolt. But listen to me. Last week I said that she looked as pretty as a girl with a tongue bolt could look, so shut up SarahK. Ok, to the singing. I have to relisten. Beginning is good. Chorus is good until the big “Alone”s at the end. The first time through, I thought she was pitchy there, but she wasn’t. But screechy for sure on the last couple of notes. I was going to suggest she stay with this kind of song. Heart, Evanescence, the pipey chick rocker songs with mega vocals, but she’s gonna have to work on not screeching the high notes. I thought it was good, probably a little better than last week because this is a better song choice for her, but not fantastic. And not as good as Carrie Underwood did it.
Randy says yo yo awesome dawg, pitchy at the beginning but you worked it out. He points out Charlotte, the backup singer, who was awesome during the song. I notice Charlotte is wearing a Tenacious D t-shirt — hahaha, I love it! Gina thanks Charlotte. Good girl. Paula says we were surprised when Carrie did it, but man, excellent job. Simon says good song choice, very forced vocals at the end. And Simon is confused about Gina’s image, because he thought she was edgier than this when they put her through to the top 24, and he’s talking about the way she’s dressed, and Randy says maybe she should have worn all black. No, Randy, Carrie did that. Invites more comparisons to a better vocal.
Oh yay. Alaina is going to do the Dixie Chicks. You’re the next American Idol, Alaina. No really, you are. Because I don’t still cringe every time I hear the name of that band. Really, I don’t. Every time Natalie Maines opens her mouth she says something more infuriating than the previous time, so I think that no one at all will think about that while you’re singing. They’ll just judge you on your singing. I don’t know why we need patriotism, anyway. Oops, look at me, I’m doing it already.
Who coaches these kids on their song choice?
BTW, I think global warming caused by people is a steaming pile of bull feces. Mkay? And that train commercial is stupid and horrible for a family show. It scares children, you awful people. Shame on you.
American Idol Six – top 10 guys
Randy knows the guys are going to be a lot better than last week. Are you sure, Randy? Are you sure? I’m gonna hold you to that. Paula says have fun and own the song. Which means she’s gonna have fun with her Loopy Juice. Simon looks into her drink glass. Ryan calls Simon his friend, and Simon has no comment.
Tonight they are supposed to dedicate their songs to someone who inspires them. I feel a good cry and a load of sarcasm welling up inside me. I hope Chris Sligh dedicates his performance to The Hoff or Simon. Maybe AJ will dedicate his song to Ryan. A snarker can dream, right?
WH… Phil Stacey is up first, and I hope he can redeem himself the teeniest bit by dedicating his performance to his wife, whom he abandoned when she was nine months pregnant so he could audition for AI — she had to have the baby all alone. Nope. He’s still a big giant pinkytoe. Looks like one too. He dedicates it to his navy command or something. He’s trying to play up the military angle so we’ll like him. It’s not working on me. I LOVE the military, but why didn’t he ever mention it before? Suddenly he wants to play it up, because he knows all the girls hate him because of the baby thing. Maybe if it had been the Marines (no offense, Harvey — you know I heart you, but the Navy guys wear white all the time, and that does not work for me). Oh, and he’s singing “Missing You” by John Waite, also done very well by Tina Turner (I love that woman). It’s so stinking blah until the end, then it gets pretty good. One note is precarious, but he holds onto it and works it out, dawg. I don’t think this is great because most of the song is just boring. I think it’s a bad song choice. It’s not exciting me until the last few bars. Randy says yippie ki-yay, you’re hot and showing your power. Paula loves his tone and hears him on the radio. Paula, the radio is not on, check your vodka levels, sweetheart. Simon isn’t jumping out of his chair, loved the film piece about the military (sucker), doesn’t think he has originality at all, and is a very good karaoke singer right now. Ryan says but his popularity will help him, and Simon says don’t worry, you’ll be back next week. Good job with the reverse psychology, Simon. Wink wink. I thank you.
They’ve flashed to Jeff Foxworthy in the audience multiple times.
American Idol Six – top 24 results show
We were at Disney World Thursday night when all my American Idol predictions came true, but I’m rewatching the results show now (we watched Friday night when we got home), and I have things to say!
So here they are.
They announced all the guest stars who will be appearing this season. Let’s discuss. Or let’s me talk and you listen.
Diana Ross. Oh, I can’t wait for that tragedy of a disco night. I could make myself a big pot of coffee to stay awake, but excess caffeine is bad for my epilepsy. Stupid neurological diseases! No wait, why am I mad at my brain waves? Stupid bad disco nights on American Idol that make me want to fall into a deep sleep and dream about cherry blossom trees and purple unicorns! Why must they taunt me?
Jon Bon Jovi. Sweet! One of those teeny-bopping wailers (probably Jordin) will sing “Wanted Dead or Alive” in a full-length, sparkly, long red evening gown. Mark those words, y’all, I’m tellin’ ya. But she’ll replace “cowboy” with “cowgirl”, and she’ll smile ear-to-ear like “look how clever I am!” when “cowgirl” comes out of her mouth, and her adoring fans will giggle and cheer. I won’t be cheering. I’ll be looking for this permalink so I can remind y’all of when I said this. Chris Sligh will sing an obscure song that wouldn’t make the greatest hits album, and Randy will pretend to have loved that song for years, dawg.
J-Lo. A.J. Trabaldo will try to sing “Love Don’t Cost a Thing”, but we will have such a hard time understanding him that we will think he’s singing “my oven tone caught touching”. No wait, I take it back. If he makes the top 12, there is no justice in the world. Why yes. That is the only J-Lo song I know. It would be torturous to know more.
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American Idol Six – Top Twelve girls
Ryan is trying to lie and say that there was a good start to the competition last night. Lie. Ur.
After the recap, Ryan starts in being a complete pinkytoe to Simon. And now starts the Seacrest Simon Smoochy Hour. Ryan is picking and picking and picking, trying to get Simon to admit that Chris Sligh got under his skin. Listen, Miss Seacrest. I’ll tell you how I saw it, and I am the Lovely and Talented SarahK, so after I make my judge’s ruling, you can shut your piehole and remember that you’re just the host and not the talent. If you don’t chill out (because really, something has got stuck in yer craw, as we say in Texas upon occasion), I’m going to accuse Joy Behar (a talentless hack) of being able to take you in a witting contest with half her comedy tied behind her back, and that idiot is a one-joke pony (Dick Cheney is evil! Halliburton did it! Duh-hur-hur!! Ba-dum-ching!). Anyway, listen up, Seacrest. You were trying to take Cowell to your girly mat because you wanted to know about random college singings, and Simon told you to put a sock in it. You kept badgering him and annoying me. Chris, the long-forgotten judgee, whose judging time you were usurping with your inanity, said, “hey guys, remember me? Il Divo and Teletubbies!” and Simon stopped arguing with you for half a second. it looked like he was ticked off at you for forgetting your place and getting him off his rhythm, because had you kept quiet during the Simon Segment, Simon would have been able to come up with something razor-sharp to counter with. Instead, he had to settle for the butter knife that made fun of Chris’s weight. But hey, Chris asked for it. After that, Simon stopped talking.
Get OVER yourself, Miss Ryan. Love ya.
On to the girls.
IDOLS 01… Stephanie Edwards is first. She looks pretty in a purply blue and brown knee-length dress. Hmm, I didn’t really critique the boy clothing last night, did I? Well, except Foot Fungus Freak Paul Kim, who needs shoes. She sounds really good. Has great stage presence, is owning the stage. I would have hoped for a better song than this. “How Come You Don’t Call Me Anymore” by Alicia Keys. Nice run at the end. She barely made that last note, I mean she crawled toward it like Seacrest toward a snappy comeback, and she only squeaked by. But she really came out swinging and didn’t go safe like the safety guys of Tuesday night. That last note really hurt my ears, though. Especially on the replay. I think I’ll vote for her. Randy loved her even though she was pitchy dawg but can learn from it. Paula says she’s a star. Simon says she’s better than everything, better than the guys last night (who all clap and nod and smile and pretend that they’re happy for her), better than herself, better than sex and chocolate and Paula’s vodka and unicorns and definitely better than Seacrest. Simon thought it was a good song choice. I disagree, but whatever. She sang it mostly well.
American Idol Six – Top 12 Guys
Finally we have arrived at the voting rounds in the Idol studio. Thank goodness. And tonight is a 2-hour Idol. Two hours! The girls tomorrow night, and Thursday night two girls and two guys go home. We wittle them down fast now.
Ryan asks Randy about all the heat he’s been taking this season for being so hard on contestants. Randy says he’s just being more honest, and Ryan asks if he’s just been lying all along. SarahK says yeah, dawg. Yeah. Paula’s gonna have to be all more supportive and stuff, uh huh, and more happy seal clappy, yes. Ryan asks Simon if all of the Grammys, #1 hits, plus Jennifer Hudson’s Oscar nod put more pressure on the contestants because the show is more valid blah blah blah… Simon says “Yes.” Ryan was hoping Simon would expound, so he asks how the contestants should navigate the scary, raging American Idol river of pressure or some equally bad metaphor. Simon says, “Sing well.” Yes, I agree, Simon, let’s get to it, shall we?
Oh, my insides are all torn up. Y’all don’t ever get diseases of the small intestine, ok? Not fun, dawg. Not fun.
After the break, the guys get to share share share their audition memories. Rudy Cardenas says that being a professional musician means eating Ramen noodles & mac & cheese. So not for celiacs, then?
IDOLS 01… Rudy is singing “Free Ride”, and the first several bars are completely unintelligible. Completely. In fact, I can’t tell what he’s singing until he says “come on and take a free ride”. After the chorus, I again can’t tell what he’s singing. It was campy, there was very little charisma, and come on. This is your one shot to show America who you are, and you come out here and sing a boring, overdone song that they play on TV commercials every five minutes? Terrible song choice, no enunciation, an awful bore. Ok, so he blew it. Unless someone else totally tanks, I think he’s out.
After the break, Chris Sligh says that tonight is all about the guys looking pretty. Ryan is all, “Ok, you stay over there…” (so I can join you later…) Ryan is so in love.
IDOLS 02… Brandon Rogers is the one who sang backup for Christina and Usher and others, and now he’s ready to take the spotlight. Ok, when the lights come up he’s already singing, which is weird, and he’s singing all slow and low, and I think he’s going for a sultry effect, but really I’m just confused yet waiting for something big. Then the tempo picks up, and he is singing “I Wanna Rock with You”. He’s on pitch the whole song, that’s fine. Smooth, velvety voice. Enunciation is way better than that guy who went first (too forgettable to name, and it would require scrolling for me to find the name for you… Well, yes, I do realize I could have scrolled in the time that I typed all this about scrolling, but see my hands and wrists didn’t have to move for me to keep typing). Very warm, charming, sexy. Yes, woohoo, but I have to say, I was incredibly underwhelmed by his entire performance. I kept waiting for him to bust out and start belting some notes into the atmosphere. I felt like the song was pitched too low for him. I hope I’m not detecting a Studdardesque laziness in him. Eh, I think he’ll stay, but for me it wasn’t vote-worthy. He’ll be safe on his smile alone, though.