We’re a nation with a modicum of self-respect, so why do we let the 9th Circuit exist? All they do is make idiotic decisions to piss off decent Americans even though another court always overturns it. So why should we pay for them or even have to hear about them? Now they’ve come out and said the 2nd Amendment, which states the right to bear arms, doesn’t state a right to bear arms. That’s a head scratcher. Now, I’m assuming these judges have some special judegey education that led to their judgery, so how come they seem to fail at first-grade level reading and comprehension? I don’t know what it is with people who don’t think the 2nd Amendment doesn’t guarantee a right to bear arms; do they have a special copy of the Bill of Rights with a note before that amendment saying, “We’re going to take a break from this listing of individual rights to blather on about militias and guns. Please ignore.”? Anyway, I think that, since they are federal judges, Bush should send out federal troops to drag them out in the street and shoot them. That will teach them not to waste our time and tax money anymore. If federal troops are too busy, a militia could do it, thus demonstrating their necessity to the security of a free state. Once the 9th Circuit is gone, the news will be much less irksome… well, that is until Bill Clinton says something. Oh yeah, federal troops again.

I’ve been making fun of Hans Blix and his inspection, but that’s not very constructive of me. I’ve decided to be a nice guy and offer some helpful advice to Blix on how to make those inspections more effective.
*Change your name. It’s hard to get respect if your name makes it sound like you’re a cartoon space monkey. It would be much better if you had some scary sounding German name.
*Anytime you meet a new Iraqi, offer to shake hands. Then as he reaches out, quickly inject him with sodium pentothal. That will get the truth out.
*Carry around a rubber hose. If you think someone is hiding something, take him into the back room and beat him with the hose. That will also get the truth out– or any particular truth you want.
*Remember to inspect all those bushy Iraqi mustaches. Those soup strainers are probably crawling with traces of chemical and biological weapons.
*Carry a dime bag of anthrax on you. Then, when you pat down someone who says he doesn’t have any WMD’s, you can make it look like you pulled that out of his pocket. He’ll probably think it was his and he had just forgotten about it. Then he might break down and confess to everything.
*If, as you are about to open a door, strippers suddenly appear out of nowhere or you’re attacked by ninjas or someone yells, “Hey! Look at me! I’m juggling!” that probably means you’re near the WMD’s and the Iraqis are trying to stall you while they get rid of them. Don’t fall for it.
*Since we’re going to go to war with Iraq no matter what, just say you found WMD’s to make things easier for us. We’ll appreciate it. Hell, if you come out and say, “Iraq is full of weapons of mass destruction! Kill them! Kill them now!” we’ll all love you and chant in the streets, “Blix! Blix! Blix!” or, if you took my earlier advice, “von Kˆkeritz! von Kˆkeritz! von Kˆkeritz!”
I’m here to help.

Attorneys for Guantanamo Bay detainees are arguing to a federal appeals court that foreigners captured in the war on terrorism have rights. That’s crazy. I don’t know what people are worried about, anyway. They say that, without a trial, how can you be sure they’re terrorists? That may be true, but no one is disputing the fact that they are foreigners. As we all know, foreigners are stupid and often evil; that’s why God put them in other countries than America. While it may be true that sometimes by accident good people end up being born in other countries – especially if God was drinking the night before (it’s you atheists that drive Him to drink) – any decent person would then come to America the first chance they have. But where did these alleged not-terrorists go (foreigners are guilty until proven innocent)? They went to Afghanistan. That’s crazy. I think that proves beyond any reasonable doubt that these people are the bad kind of foreigners and thus should be locked away in Cuba where they can only harm Communists. That makes God happy… when He’s sober.

NOTE: All countries with IMAO readers are excluded from those that are stupid and evil.

The Cato Institute is taking Washington D.C.’s handgun ban to court. There are people who actually argue that allowing law abiding citizens to have handguns in D.C. would cause more deaths, but I don’t believe that is actually possible since, if the murder rate were any higher, then the murderers would be killing each other causing violent crime to level off. While I think challenging the law in court is a good idea, I propose an even more dynamic idea to fight for gun rights. What the NRA should adopt is a policy of shooting people who disagree with them. It’s a much simpler solution than trying to force logic on to people who are apparently morally opposed to it.
“If we limit gun purchases to one a month, that will stop murders.”
BANG!
“Convoluted statistics show you’re more likely to shoot yourself than blah blah blah.”
BANG! BANG! BANG!
“If we make a gun free school zone, that will stop people from shooting children.”
STAB! BANG! (that gun had a bayonet)
I don’t care how idiotic an argument or how much statistics someone can produce, it won’t stop a bullet. The only rebuttal to a gun is another gun, but if gun control nuts starting using guns, they lose their argument. So, shooting people who are for gun control both defeats them physically and philosophically. See, isn’t this a brilliant, win-win idea? I don’t know why someone hasn’t used it yet. Well, I guess some people would say it’s not right to shoot people, but they wouldn’t say that if I had a gun pointed at them. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

While the Vanilla Coke made sense to me, I couldn’t really see the point of combining berry flavors and Pepsi as they supposedly did for Pepsi Blue. Still, I consumed (most of) a 20 oz. bottle and was thus inspired to try out my marketing skills by coming up with some slogans for it:
“Disgusting… with a refreshing kick!”
“It’s like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone is vomiting.”
“Ever wonder why no one made a blue soda before? Now you know.”
“Not to be taken internally.”
“Four out of five people chose it over Windex in a blind taste test.”
“The taste that will make you envy the dead.”
“Might as well drink it all since disposal down the drain violates EPA regulations.”
“We don’t know how this got through marketing either.”
“Diet version is not available due to classification as a chemical weapon.”
“One sip and you’ll know there is no God.”

I just went through the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disney World this morning, and there was still a part with little Iraqi kids singing along. What gives? I thought we would have annihilated that country by now. Ends up that we’re waiting on an inspection team to find a “material breach” before we can give the g’damn Iraqis an extended weapons demo. Yes, our hopes of war rest on someone named Blix. Iraq keeps saying that this whole inspection thing is just a pretext to attack them, and I’m like, “Finally; someone is talking some sense.” So do the Iraqis then know when we give up with the pretext and finally attack them, because I would really appreciate it if they told me. And they should make sure the rascally Blix knows it’s all a pretext, too, because I’m not sure if he got that memo. He may actually be waiting to try and find some WMD’s which the Iraqis have had plenty of time to hide. Well, just in case we can’t find anything substantial, I’ve come up with a list of excuses for war with Iraq we can tell the U.N.
Top Ten Excuses for War with Iraq
10. They say that war is good for the economy, and the Iraqi economy could really use some improvement.
9. Though we didn’t find any actual evidence of biological weapons, it sure does smell funny there.
8. Not having a ‘u’ follow Iraq’s ‘q’ is a violation of international spelling laws.
7. If our Marines don’t get to kill people soon, they’re going to suffer bouts of depression.
6. We want to steal their oil and keep it for ourselves, and there’s not a goddamn thing any of EUnuchs can do about it. Muh-ha ha ha ha!
5. Iraq’s army has more bushy mustaches than is allowed by the Geneva Convention.
4. Though we can’t prove they have any ties to terrorism, we have direct evidence of them funding the “Anna Nicole Smith Show.”
3. They’re mean.
2. We have never heard that Edwin Starr song and are thus unaware of the futility of war.
And the number one excuse for going to war with Iraq…
We’re America; we don’t need excuses.

You’ve probably heard about how Princess Haifa al-Faisal may have helped finance the Sept. 11th terrorists. While most seem to believe she didn’t do it knowingly, Suadi Arabia has not been known to be forthcoming about their monetary support of terrorists. This is why I suggest we finally change our “Don’t Kill Saudis” policy to a “Kill Lot’s of Saudis” policy. Now, I’m not talking about having a war with Saudi Arabia, of course, but I am suggesting that maybe we should send out an “investagatory” barrage of cruise missiles at them. Perhaps that will turn up some new information, but we can also try an “inquisitive” seizure of their oil fields and have a series of “fact-finding” assassination of Saudi princes. The Saudis say they are eager to help with our fight against terrorism, so I’m sure they’ll die quickly without much fuss.

Serial whiny bitch Daschle says he’s been getting threats because people are saying mean things about him. Rush Limbaugh and others in talk radio have been pointing out what a slimy weasel Daschle is, and he claims this lead to threats against him and his family – though he wouldn’t elaborate. So let’s never criticize Daschle about his politics again, because he may get scared and cry, okay? Seriously, my guess is that it’s from other Democrats upset about the losses, but what would a threat from a Democrat sound like? “Resign now or I’ll slap you silly!” Then again, which of you aren’t thinking of punching Daschle right now? Be honest. That’s right; after hearing him whine like this, about everyone wants to smack him. It’s just a natural, human response.
The Democrats are such a bunch of peacenik complainers that I don’t know how any man could ever admit to being one. Actually, the way things are going, I bet by the end of this decade it will be more insulting to one’s manhood to imply they’re a Democrat than to imply they’re gay. At school, one kid will call another kid a “Kennedy voter” and a fight will break out. People will say in hushed whispers, “I think Steve may be… uh… how do I put this… ‘friends with the donkeys’… not that there’s anything wrong with that!”
Democrats just better not start asking for special rights.

Despite Democrat’s utter contempt for the safety of the American people, the Homeland Security Bill has been passed. I’m too lazy to read anything about it and thus develop an opinion on it, but here are some provisions I hope are in it:
*Makes it clear that the Muslim tradition of murdering infidels is no longer a protected form of religious expression.
*Since many terrorists get in through Canada, all of Canada will be mined. As an extra precaution, anyone ending a sentence in “eh?” will be immediately shot.
*Panama will be nuked to create a larger gap between peaceful North America and the dangerous South America.
*Home ownership of firearms will be encouraged by a declaration that anyone who doesn’t own a gun is a “pussy.”
*Anyone excited about Gore running for the presidency will be placed on a watch list. Gore himself will be placed in a solitary confinement in a sound proof room composed entirely of plastic just in case he has powers like Magneto or plans on speaking again.
*Since vast national forests are a good place for terrorists to hide, they will be infested with ninjas.
*All liberal universities will be bombed. The six remaining universities will be watched carefully.
*It is now illegal to be French.
*Ann Arbor, Michigan will be placed on the list of terrorist nations. U.S. will enforce a regime change if they don’t tell us where they’re hiding their WMD’s.
*Voting for a Democrat is now considered an attack against the nation’s security and is classified as an act of treason.
As always, if you have any more suggestions to help national security, put them in the comments section.

I just had a revelation. From this article, I read the paragraph:

The inspectors arrived in the Iraqi capital as allied warplanes bombed Iraqi air defense systems in the northern no-fly zone after the U.S. military said the jets were fired on during routine patrols. Iraq considers such patrols a violation of its sovereignty and frequently shoots at them.

If Iraq frequently shoots at us, why the @#%& do we need any other reason to bomb the crap out of them?! We’re the good guys – we’re the people who help others around the world – and thus attacking us is proof one is insanely evil and must be destroyed. What we really should have done was obliterate Iraq the second a single radar locked on one of our planes. Otherwise, we give countries the impression they can attack us and only get a lot of people killed instead of everyone killed. Next time we get fired upon, let’s not respond immediately and blow up the installations with anti-radar missiles. Instead, let’s send some special ops people to follow the soldiers responsible to their homes. After we find out where they live, we destroy those entire cities. That’ll learn people that Americans are the good guys, and, that if you cross us, we’ll kill you and everyone you care about.

Gore has been steaming about the election for so long that his circuits have now completely blown, and, like any good robot, he has reverted to his default programming of “kill all humans.” In a new article from Time, Gore says that Bush’s economic agenda is “catastrophic,” his foreign policy “horrible,” his environmental stance “immoral.” “Destroy! Destroy!” Gore added, flaying his arms wildly.
“Our country is headed for very deep trouble,” Gore told Time. “I wish it were not so, but I believe that with all my heart.” Gore’s heart, BTW, is composed of titanium with rubber tubing. In actuality (that’s a pompous way of saying “Actually”; you like it?), Gore’s heart contains no logic functions or memory banks, and thus this statement is further evidence of faulty programming.
“I think that our economic plan has zero chance of working. I think that it is wrong at its core,” Gore continued, his eyes starting to glow red. “I think that our foreign policy, based on an openly proclaimed intention to dominate the world, is a recipe for getting our country in some of the worst trouble it’s ever been in.” He then explained how only Gore-bot can dominate the world, and that all who oppose him will be destroyed.
Gore, the Giant Ogre-like Robotic Entity, also said that Bush has compiled the worst economic record since Herbert Hoover. This is interesting, because it was Hoover who commissioned the creations of the Gore-bot. After being rebuffed by the American people, Hoover became obsessed with the world’s destruction and thus created the Gore-bot to that end. Most people don’t know of Hoover’s secret supervillian alter-ego having mistakenly though his secret was that he dressed in woman’s clothing when they confused him with J. Edgar Hoover.
Despite the smoke visibly emanating from Gore’s ears, 61% of Democrats said they would like to see Gore run for President in 2004. What the article doesn’t mention is that 82% of Republicans would also like to see Gore run for president again in 2004, with 10% thinking that would be too cruel to Gore and the remaining 8% fearing he may go on a bloody rampage when he loses again. This is a legitimate fear, as the Gore-bot is bulletproof and could probably only be brought down by some sort of military EMP weapon. This is quite different from most other Democrats who wish to run for president, as they can usually be subdued by a simple bitch-slapping.
Personally, I would not write off the threat of Gore running for president in 2004. I hear that Tipper, his wife/head engineer, is planning to outfit him with rocket launchers and a rail gun. To be on the safe side, Bush should create some sort of cybernetic, exo-skeleton by 2004, and they should speed up converting Cheney into a cyborg. He will be only half-human, but that still infinitely more human than Gore.

Hmm, everything is reminding me of Beatles songs now. Anyway, a new tape is evidence that Osama bin Laden is alive and kicking. Hooray! This means we still have an opportunity to capture and execute him in a fitting manner. Here are some of my humble suggestions:
Skeet Shooting: Launch Osama into the air with a catapult. Then shoot him with a patriot missile.
This Execution Sponsored by the NRA: Get massive firing squad. Try to set record for most bullets fired into a single human. First only use sharpshooters to try to set the record for most bullets shot into a person without killing him.
The Sampler: All traditional execution rolled into one. Hung by his neck by a wire that’s electrocuting him while a guillotine slices him causing him to fall into a vat of boiling oil. Can also first improperly administer lethal injection (no alcohol swab for him).
Two for One Special: Tie Osama to a cluster bomb. Try and drop it in Iraq such that it kills Saddam. If we can trick Arafat into visiting Saddam before the strike, we can make it a hat trick.
Not by the Hairs of My Chiny Chin Chin: Hang him by his beard over a cage filled with mutant killer pigs. Eventually his whiskers will give and then he’ll be ripped apart and eaten by the swine. If I know the religion of Islam (and I don’t), his god will then send him to pig hell where pigs run an authoritarian government. Osama will then be forced to work in their underground slop mines for all eternity.
Death by Appeal: America only threatens to execute him. Europeans will then prattle on and on about how horrible and barbaric America. Tie Osama up and force him to listen to everything they say until the brain’s defense mechanism kicks in causing it to consume itself.
If anyone has any other ideas, put them in the comments section or e-mail them to your congressperson.

So, now that Republicans rule the land like Saudi princes, what should be on their agenda? Here are my suggestions:
*New Tax Cuts: I want more money. Cut my taxes!
*Hippie Punching Act: Make beating up hippies a protected form of speech.
*Environmentalists “Piss Off” Act: Make if official government policy, that, whenever environmentalists complain about something, we tell them to piss off.
*Guns! Guns! Guns! Act: Guns everywhere! No limitations on carry. Only nuclear weapons will be defined as “assault weapons.” To help the poor, food stamps can now be exchanged for ammo.
*More Tax Cuts: Good try, but you didn’t cut taxes enough the first time. Please try again.
*We Hate the French Resolution: Just as English is the language of America though not officially stated as such, hating the French is the stance of the American people though it is not officially written anywhere. Let’s make it official.
*Hollywood Promise Keeping Act: All people who said they would leave America if Bush were elected will now be deported.
*Let’s Bomb Everyone Act: Every week, new country gets bombed. That will keep them on their toes.
*Reestablish The Committee on Un-American Activities: There are still Commies out there who are not dead. That is wrong.
*Invade San Francisco: We need to invade and recapture San Francisco, changing the regime to one more friendly to America. Must be careful of collateral damage because some good bloggers live there.
*Still More Tax Cuts: Is there anyway I could pay no taxes?
If you have any other ideas, put them in the comments. If they are really good, they will be… uh… read.

I just listened to the Animaniacs’ “Countries of the World” song, and Iraq was still in the lyrics. What gives? Shouldn’t it have been destroyed by now? Apparently, the U.S. is still waiting on the U.N. who is just getting to voting on a resolution today. In the resolution, there will first be inspections and then the U.S. will wait for the U.N. to say whether Iraq is a bad boy before we can bomb them back to the stoneage and have Fred Flinstone, loyal American and fervent anti-communist, finish them off. At this rate, Saddam is going to die of old age before we get a chance to kill him, and, in the mean time, he’s going to be working on his weapons of mass destruction such as nuclear weapons, biological weapons, and cybernetic ninja monkeys. We have to get to work killing Saddam right now! He’s got tons of imposter Saddams we have to kill to make sure we got the real one, so there is no time to waste waiting for France to give the a-okay. Plus, we have other countries to kick the crap out of once we finish Iraq such as North Korea, Iran, Saudia Arabia, and probably some African countries I’ve never heard of. Let’s send in our special forces to wipe out the Iraqis and blow up their buildings and then just call it inspections. Maybe, after wiping out all the people in an area, instead of shouting, “This room is clear,” they could say, “This room is inspected.” And, if they shoot someone and he doesn’t die, they can say, “The Iraqis are not complying with inspections.” That should be enough to fool the U.N. people; those guys are pretty dumb, and, as I always suspected, a bit scared of us anyway, so they won’t protest.

Arafat warned the U.S. that the attack on Iraq could lead to a catastrophe in the Middle East. I think the proper response to that should be to empty a semi-automatic handgun into his chest and sneer, “Thanks for the opinion.”
Why is that man still alive?
Hell, why are lots of Palestinians still alive? The U.S. should finally stick up for Israel and allow them to go door-to-door killing all the Palestinians that they think give off a “terrorist vibe.” Some may say that’s genocide, to which the U.S. would respond, “No it isn’t, because we told Israel they have to leave some alive.”
Okay, I admit it. I’m not blood-hungry. I don’t want to murder all the Palestinians; maybe just 80%… 85% tops. I hope you all will still respect me as a blogger.