I’ve been really busy as of late (actually, there is a ton of other stuff I should be doing right now rather than blogging) and thus I haven’t been able to follow the news as closely. I stopped by the CIA World Fact Book today, though, and, listed right there between Iran and Ireland, was Iraq.

It’s still there? What gives?

Bush got his approval for war, so why haven’t we marched in there and annihilated all the bastards? I don’t get it. It’s not because of all these distractions like North Korea having nukes, is it? There will be plenty of time left to raze them after we’ve had our way with Iraq.

Oh, wait, we’re not actually waiting on the U.N., are we? If we are, I remember reading this Tom Clancy novel where some guys held the U.N. hostage; why don’t we do that. Their building is right here in New York, so it’s not like we have to go anywhere to do it. What we do is have our special forces storm the building and hold everyone in there at gunpoint. You just know those weenies will be falling over each other to be the first to cave into our demands. First, we’ll have them approve our war with Iraq. Then, we’ll make them sign a declaration that Gerhard Schroeder is a little girl. Finally, we make them give us a “blank check” war approval, approving war for a country to be filled in later.

Then again, holding them hostage at gunpoint could be taken as meaning their opinion matters, thus giving them the attention they crave. Damn, diplomacy is hard.

Hundreds of Muslim thugs clashed with police who were taking Muslim cleric Abu Bakar Ba’asyir for questioning. What’s it with Islam and mindless violence? I still haven’t sat down and read the Koran (didn’t he fight Godzilla?), so I don’t know if purposeless violence is prescribed by it, but it seems that many Muslims love to engage in actions that do nothing else than enforce the image that they are stupid and violent. Like rock throwing; you’re not going to topple governments or defeat soldiers by throwing rocks, but you will let them know that your mental processes are comparable to a monkey.
They took Ba’asyir from a hospital; it seems like every Muslim cleric who supports violence is either blind or ailing. Maybe it’s supposed to be a sign from God, and they just don’t get it:
“Allah wishes us to kill all the infidels, my Muslim brothers and sisters. If I do not truly speak in His name, may He strike me down as I stand… Ahh! I’m suddenly blind… for unrelated reasons.”
Then I read this (the link to the story no longer seems to work, so I’m linking to its mention in Instapundit; he could use the traffic) about how Jemaah Islamiyah has plans to create an Islamic superstate including Indonesia, Australia, and parts of Asia. These guys are just completely cuckoo for cocoa puffs. We could maybe be threatened by them if they had some sense of reality, but, instead, they are completely, entirely, tinfoil hat wearing, The Nation subscribing, consuming entire cans of Crisco, Guardian editorial writer, burning monkeys at the stake for being heretics, Democratic Underground nuts. I love it how they’re just taking Ba’asyir in for questioning and you have some guy with a “We are not terrorists” sign next to people chanting “We are ready to die.” Well, guess what, we are ready to kill you, so I think we can work out a deal here.

Bush is looking for Jiang Zemin’s help in disarming North Korea. I dunno if that’s a good idea, since they’re both Commies and thus both want what’s worse for the world. Yes, North Korea is crazier and their dictator is much more funny looking, but you never trust a Red. Maybe this is just Bush’s plan to get both Jiang Zemin and Kim Jong II in the same room as part of negotiations. When he has them both alone, he’ll whip out two .45’s, yell, “You can continue your negotiations in Commie hell!” and then empty the two guns into the surprised dictators. He’ll then drop the guns, and calmly walk out of the room remarking, “I was tough, but fair.” It will make a great anecdote for his autobiography.

You know who is the best public? The American public, that’s who. According to this poll, most know that more gun control isn’t a solution to stopping a sniper. Also, despite the media’s constant attempt to make the NRA look worse than the nazis, the NRA still has a higher approval than disapproval rating. I doubt any other country is as pro-gun as America, and I bet they’d get vastly different polling results.
American Polltaker: I wish to ask you some questions about guns.
Frenchman: Ahh! Guns! Do not hurt me, American! Paris is yours!
American: No, I just wanted you to answer a poll about guns.
Frenchman: Well, I hate guns, you stupid American. I’m not some thuggish cowboy wanting to shoot at everything. We French are much more sophisticated. For instance… Ahh! An insect! Save me, American!
American: It’s just a butterfly.
Frenchman: Quick, kill it with your gun! It is your duty, American!
American: It flew off.
Frenchman: Once again my non-violent diplomacy triumphs!

Gore says we should have a stronger defense against bioterrorism, but you should hear the way he said it.

“I was a bit bitter when you denied me the presidency which is rightfully mine, but I won’t hold it against you, the American people. Oh, and by the way, you might want to strengthen your defense against bioterrorism… though it will be too late! Muh ha ha ha!”

I’m starting to believe that Al Gore is actually the supervillian Tree-Man that the police have been warning about. He looks like a man, but he has the powers and personality of a tree. Police caution that he is an extreme psychopath and should not be voted for under any circumstances.
Okay, I didn’t read the above article, but it was about Al Gore. What are the chances there would have been any important information in it?

What’s up with Russia holding up the Iraq resolution? They say they don’t like the part about the use of force that the U.S. put in there. Why do formerly evil countries like Russia and Germany act all peacenik now? Because they’re still evil, that’s why. They’re busy selling weapons to terrorist nations, and they don’t want to offend their customers by helping America attack Iraq. I’m starting to realize that, if we’re really serious about ending terrorism, we’re going to have to take out most of the world’s government, not just those in the Middle East. If we don’t start regime-changing Europe first, they’re just going to coddle even more countries into becoming terrorists. “But who are we going to replace their governments with,” you ask, “since most of the people in Europe are whiny?” Yes, most are whiny, but I believe there are two or three people in each European country who share American values (maybe four people in some of the larger countries). We will make them kings in exchange for their allegiance. If there isn’t anyone in those countries that we like, we’ll just put some Texan in charge. “But don’t the Europeans have modern militaries that will make it hard for us to just quickly overthrow them?” you also ask. That’s just silly. Why would they have militaries? They never want to use force no matter how right the cause. I’m sure all the European countries defunded their militaries years ago in order to pay for sub-par universal health care and crap like that. Taking over countries in Europe could probably be done with one harshly worded phone call. Additional cost saving could be made by making it a collect call. “Should we call them using 1-800-CALL-ATT?” you inquire. No, that could save them money, and we need to take a harsh stand with them. Also, I don’t want to encourage Carrot-top. “So when do we get back to taking on the countries in the Middle East? I really don’t like those countries.” Soon, after we finish rearranging Europe more to our liking. First, we’ll blow up the Eiffel Tower. “Why blow up the Eiffel Tower?” Because it’s French. Stop asking so many questions.

Jeb Bush has had ads attacking McBride for all his new spending plans for Florida and saying he’ll have to raise taxes for them (perhaps adding the dreaded income tax which Florida thankfully lacks). McBride responded by saying his tax will only be a 50 cent increase on packs of cigarettes. This is a neat new concept: take a group you don’t like and make them pay for everything. I say, though, instead of smokers, we should make liberals pay for everything. Have an extra tax on books by Michael Moore and a subscription to The Nation. The great thing is that they shouldn’t complain since they are supposed to like taxes. We should also force them to clean roads and fill potholes, and, if they complain, that makes them hypocrites since they are supposed to enjoy community service. We should also have liberals pull us around the streets in rickshaws for free. They shouldn’t complain because they should think it’s great people are using pollution free transportation. We should also make them mow our lawns. They can’t complain because… uh… we’ll then lash them with a whip if they do; I want free lawn service and I don’t like liberals.
I used to think we should chase all liberals out of the country; don’t I feel stupid now.

Bush has decided to give diplomacy another try with dealing with Iraq. I guess he was intimidated by Iraq receiving 100% of the vote from a 100% turnout. To me, I would think that means we would have to kill all the Iraqis, because they are all now complicit.
I believe diplomacy means they will take another shot at killing Saddam in his sleep and making it look like a heart attack. Or maybe they’ll make his mustache fall off in public so that he must commit honorable suicide as is the custom in whatever region Iraq is in. I’m just afraid that, by going back to diplomacy, we’ll make Saddam think we’re not serious. The best solution would then be to invade France thus giving us two votes on the U.N. Security Council as I’m sure is dictated by the U.N. charter which I have never read nor heard reference to. Here’s the catch: we’ll use France’s vote to vote against the use of force! At the same time, we’ll cruise missile a random palace in Iraq. This we’ll show Saddam that we’re so serious about using force in Iraq that we’ll defy the U.N. even when that means defying ourselves. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Saddam!

No more worries of pretend crime in Mexico; they’ve banned toy guns. When kids play cops and robbers now, you can be certain those robbers will be unarmed, as extending one’s index finger and saying, “Bang!” now holds the punishment of death by piñata beating. Eventually Mexicans plan on addressing the issue of actual crime, but so far the easiest solution seems to be to escape to America.
A thirteen your old boy in Florida shot and killed his teacher, so of course they are prosecuting the gun. It has yet to express any remorse for how it both killed a man and got a poor youth a murder conviction, and thus I hope they throw the book at it. When guns learn that we will get tough with them too, maybe they’ll think twice about firing a bullet just because someone pulled their trigger.

I saw an interesting article in The Guardian this morning. Simon Tisdall says that Tony Blair’s support for Bush’s war plans are hurting people’s opinion of him. Which people, you ask? The “…76% of Americans who did not vote for George Bush and oppose his Iraq war plans…” Of course, this begs the question: did Tisdall arrive at that number by including just humans in his count or also elves, leprechauns, and the notoriously liberal unicorns, as it is quite obvious that he, like many of those who oppose America and only want “dialogue and diplomacy” with terrorists, are living in a fantasy world. At least this guy put that statement in his opening paragraph so you knew right away to dismiss him as a nut. Just in case Tisdall hadn’t driven home the point that he’s a raving idiot, he later says “And then there is North Korea, which has suddenly, rather conveniently, confessed to WMD offences.” Yeah, you got us, Tisdall, North Korea is in on the plot to invade Iraq. They’re not even really Communist; they just pretend that to help us with our war mongering.
Are there enough mental health care facilities to handle all the anti-Americans, or is that a burgeoning crisis?

So what so we do about North Korea? First we find out they’ve been working on a nuclear weapons program, and now we find out that China, Russia, and Pakistan helped them. Goddamn Commies, former Commies, and… uh… non-Commies. Don’t worry, though, ‘ole Frank has a plan.
We completely ignore this.
That’s right. We just brush it off. Have Bush say it’s not a big deal and we’re focused on Iraq. Then we continue getting our forces built up near Iraq, preparing each day to storm into Baghdad, until finally… POW! We hit North Korea like starving dogs at a pot roast, bombing everything we see. Buildings, bridges, trees, mountains, sheep… anything at random. By lunchtime we should have that government overthrown, and then Bush can come out with a statement, “This is what we do to other countries when they even say ‘nuclear.’ And we don’t care it you say it NU-CLEE-AR or NU-CU-LAR; we’re going to mess you up so good and you’ll wish your country was never founded!” That’ll scare the hell out of the evil people out there. We still have the big Commie, China, left, but don’t worry; I’m working on a plan for that too.

Governor Parris Glendening has banned outdoor shooting in four counties to help stop false sniper alarms. I know it’s a cliché, but, if we can’t fire our guns, then the terrorists really will have already won. I mean, how in the world are we supposed to fight terrorists if we can’t fire our guns outdoors?

I read this article on the Democrats’ views about the economy, and this one quote stuck out.

“The last thing you do when you’re going into a recession is raise taxes,” Gebhardt said at a briefing sponsored by the Economic Policy Institute, a Washington think tank. “You cut taxes.”

I re-read that a couple times. Was Gebhardt saying tax cuts are good? Maybe it’s sarcastic and it just didn’t translate when put to text, but further quotes seem to back up the notion that Gebhardt is for cutting taxes. This points to only one logical conclusion:
Democrats have found a way to use tax cuts to murder us in our sleep!
I don’t know the details yet, but you can be certain that after they get their tax cuts they’ll soon be coming for us to slit our throats during our slumber. This is probably the Democrats’ most diabolical plan yet. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Another successful test of missile defense. Won’t it be so cool when we finally perfect that and can hit any nuclear missile out of the sky? As long as we keep it to ourselves, there goes mutually assured destruction. We can nuke anyone we want and no one can stop us. We won’t even have to use any stupid diplomacy. Hopefully, I can be president by the time we finish and start my new foreign policy plans.
“Hey, China, Taiwan is it’s own country, ya numbnuts. Now, you stop being commies or you’ll no longer be the most populated country.”
“Middle East, you don’t seem to be doing very well with Islam, so you’re now all Unitarians. I’m not too sure what that entails, but hopefully it involves less killing. Try it out for a couple weeks and get back to me.”
“France, you have to rename yourself Wussland. You will be known as the Wussies. Speaking anything other than American slang or watching anything other than American blockbusters is punishable by death.”
“Palestinians, you now get your own country. It’s called Germany. Go there now because the Israelis want to fumigate before they finish settling.”
Man, I can’t wait until missile defense is done. It’ll be like Christmas everyday.
(Thanks to Bill Quick for the link.)

Now that the “Let’s Kill Iraqis and Steal Their Oil” resolution has been passed in Congress, the Iraqis are clamoring for a way to not to be bombed and made dead by us. Some are trying to act indignant. “When someone comes to your house and says, ‘I’m going to attack you and kill your parents and children’ what do you say? You say, ‘I’m willing to defend my land, my money and my house,'” says some dumbass who lives in the Middle East. The only problem with his logic is that it’s America, the good guys, asking politely to kill his parents and his children, so you know they have a pretty damn good reason. The proper response should be, “Sure, America, let me get them out here for you and line them up to make it easier. I have some extra bullets if you need them. I could also get working on making another family so you can kill them too, oh savior of the world.”
Unfortunately, I’m a Christian, so I have to love everybody for fear God might give me boils and rain frogs on me (God, is that Guy pushy). So, I’m going to offer some suggestions to the Iraqis that will help keep America from saturation bombing them and then sowing their earth with salt (as is the new American foreign policy). One idea is to offer extra-unlimited inspections to all Americans. That means that not only can we drop by anywhere in Iraq unexpected, but we can stay as long as we want and take anything we want. Like, we could stay for a week in one of the palaces and take a lamp home with us, no complaints. The other and probably best idea is to brutally murder Saddam. I mean, that would knock the wind right out of our sails. If Saddam were gutted and then they played an entire soccer game with his head, we’d just lose all interest in Iraq. Maybe we’d bomb a few palaces just for the heck of it, but then we’d probably just go back to kill’n more al Queda jerk-offs until we finally get the resolve to whup the Sauds.