New NRA ads:

Take that, you little America-hating fascist!
I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t understand why the 2nd Amendment is important because then that person doesn’t have a good understanding of liberty in general. Someone who thinks banning guns for people’s “own good” is an okay idea should never be given any power. Yeah, Obama says he won’t do anything against guns now, but someone who lived in Chicago so long and never once spoke against those draconian laws has no love of freedom. Also, people who don’t like guns are sissies, and so many heroes did not shed blood on foreign soil so this country can be run by a sissy.
Something to keep in mind.

I hear the government is still seeking comments from the public on whether to allow conceal carry in national parks.

I shall comment!

I think it is a great idea. I would very much like to go into national parks and shoot wildlife.

You may ask, “Well why not just take a gun in now and shoot wildlife? It’s not like they check anyone for guns when they enter.”

That’s a bad idea. Bringing a gun into a national park is illegal. I don’t do illegal things.

To which you may say, “But shooting wildlife in a national park is also illegal.”

You have a point, but if I already have a gun with me legally, I might as well just start shooting stuff whether it’s legal or not. That’s gun logic. If you are allowed to have a gun on you, you are compelled to shoot things, animals, and people. Me, I’m really looking forward to going into Yellowstone and shooting the first buffalo that lumbers in front of my care right in the face. I will totally waste a buffalo. You don’t disrespect me like that! I have a gun, bitch! You fear me!

Also, if Old Faithful takes too long to go off, I will shoot it. I will totally waste Old Faithful. I paid money to get into this park, so you don’t waste my time you @#$% geyser! I have a gun! I will kill you!

Then I will go to the Grand Canyon and unload on that bitch. You think you’re so big, Mr. Canyon? Well, guess who has a gun! I’m the big one now! I will kill you! The police will have to buy like a million boxes of chalk to outline the canyon after I kill it.

So that is my comment on guns in national parks.

I got an e-mail today!

Frank J:
The recent Supreme Court case involving 2nd Amendment rights has convinced me that I need to buy a gun. I live in Illinois which is a very restrictive state. I just applied for my FOID card and have been perusing the intertubes looking for a pistol that will meet my needs, home and personal protection. Also I plan on taking handgun safety courses at the local range and shooting at least once a month. My experience with weapons is limited to 6 years in the Army Reserve 20 years ago. The handgun I am leaning toward is a Beretta Px4 Storm, .40 cal. Do you have any opinion on this weapon or Beretta in general? Can you recommend a weapon based on your experience?
Thanks
Scott
P.S.: Harvey is funny. Please tell him that I was very disappointed that Family Ties was canceled.

First reaction: You need a special identification card to buy a handgun? Holy crap. Then it again, it is Obama’s state.
Anyway, I’m not really a firearms expert. I’ve never fired a gun outside of a target range (or plinking) so I don’t really have much advice based on experience. Still, asking what gun to buy is like asking what car to buy — it’s really up to the individual and how you plan on using it. You do want to check reviews to make sure it’s a reliable gun (my Beretta experience is pretty limited), but after that it’s all up to preference. You should try the gun at a range if possible to see how you like firing it. The 1911 is my favorite handgun because it just feels right in my hand, but that won’t be the same for everyone.
Also, where would you use it? Even though I really like 1911s, I have a little .380 because it’s the easiest to carry. For home, I have a pump action shotgun which is cheaper than any handgun but the best home protection.
In conclusion, you have to have a special ID to buy a gun? I can’t believe that crap. What country is Illinois in?
I, of course, open this up to my readers to give further advice.

FOX News had a story today trying to scare people about the existence of a gun disguised as a cell phone. There have been no reports of these in America (nonetheless killed by them), yet they were trying to play up a four-shot .22 like its a national security threat.

First off, why conceal in a cell phone four dinky .22s more likely to wound than kill (and you might as well use a knife at the range its effective) when you can just as easily conceal an actual gun under your coat? I guess the threat is that maybe this gun can make it past security and onto an airplane, but do you think a terrorist can really control a plane full of angry passengers by pointing at cellphone at them?
This is a novelty, not a threat. I can’t see anyone other than harmless gun nuts wanting one (BTW, I’ll take one).n At least it demonstrates the folly of trying to ban guns by showing how easy it is to make one. Basically, if you have something to hold a bullet and something to strike a bullet, you have a gun.

As you all probably know by now (I found out from IMAO, myself) that Cheney shot some guy hunting. Apparently, the guy was in the line of sight between Cheney and his target, but, since Cheney was shooting at quail in the air, I’m not exactly sure how that happened.
You know the moonbats are going to freak out over this.
“Bush and his cronies can now shoot people with impunity!”
“Now we all know what we always suspected: Cheney releases dissidents to run in a field and then hunts them!”
What Cheney was using, though, was a 28-gauge shotgun. I don’t know very much about shotguns, but I have a 12-guage for home defense and, the larger the gauge, the weaker the shotgun. Do people get hit with pellets from 28-gauge shotguns all the time?
“Ow! Dude, you totally shot me… and almost broke skin!”
The Brady Bunch have already made comments:

“Now I understand why Dick Cheney keeps asking me to go hunting with him,” said Jim Brady. “I had a friend once who accidentally shot pellets into his dog – and I thought he was an idiot.”
“I’ve thought Cheney was scary for a long time,” Sarah Brady said. “Now I know I was right to be nervous.”

That reminds me: Michael Z. Williamson sent me this, but I forgot to post it when it was more relevant:

6 Feb, 1942.
I celebrate her birthday every year by buying a gun. If she wishes me to stop buying guns, she has only to stop having birthdays.
All are encouraged to join me.
Or else send her a pack of smokes to hurry that lung cancer along. I believe she smokes Marlboros.

Hey! It’s your favorite Frank J. – The Frank J. – the unquestioned overlord of the blogododecahedron, here to talk about firearms, so listen up.
Now, as you may have heard, a new bill has been signed in my state by Jeb Bush (we have our own Bush in Florida) that changes self-defense laws so that a citizen no longer has to attempt to flee from an attacker before using lethal force. Also, the castle doctrine has been expanded so that you can pretty much blow away any mo’fo’ who breaks into you house – no questions asked (info on bill here; will come into effect October 1st).
Now, the critics, of course, are saying this is going to turn Florida into the “Wild West” as they do about every self-defense. Since there are plenty of states that already have similar laws and don’t have any problems, the critics might as well be arguing the earth is flat. Still, they think that now, anytime someone feels threatened, he’s going to start shooting and we’ll get this:

Continue reading ‘“The Castle Doctrine” Would Be a Great Name for a Gun’ »

Since I couldn’t think of anything good to write about today, I decided I might as well help in one of my pet causes my spreading more knowledge on gun safety. Thus, I’m printing a part of the NRA Gun Safety Manual.

Continue reading ‘From the NRA Gun Safety Manual, Chapter 13’ »

I’m kinda embarrassed to post this one, but maybe embarrassment will help me strive to do better.
First off, let me just explain that I tried to apply some paint to the sights on my .45 since they’re black and hard to see in low light. Apparently I did so poorly, as that could only be the explanation for these (NOTE: for all targets, three magazines were emptied into them):
10 yards
Two hands: Image
One hand: Image
Two hands: Image
Oy. Anyway, next I went to my little Ket-Tec. Going from single action only to double action only, my first shot went wild. Also, I still had some jamming, but always on the final round (the casing of the second to last round wouldn’t get fully ejected). Other than that, it was great to fire, and I ended up firing it pretty rapidly. Also, I loaded the six round clip magazine, chambered a round, and then replaced the round in the magazine for seven shots.
7 yards
One hand: Image
One hand: Image
Two hands: Image
Next is my Walther PPK/S after being looked at by a gunsmith. No jamming this time, but the first double action shot sometimes had problems, not firing the bullet and requiring a second trigger pull. No problem with single action, though. Since this is my back-up gun, I also practiced with my off-hand.
7 yards
Two hands: Image
Left hand: Image
Finally, I fired my Walther P99 which I hadn’t taken to the range in sometime. I used those emasculated 10 round magazines (I wish I could get some 16 round magazines for it). I also fired it left-handed since I have a new holster where I could use it as a backup gun. The first shot of each magazine was double-action like with the PPK.
Two hands (10 yards): Image
One hand (7 yards): Image
Finally, I got my holster from Graham’s Leather, the backpocket cookie for my Kel-Tec. Now, anytime I want to carry I can just put this in my backpocket. I can’t wait until I get mugged!

So, I wanted to try out my little Kel-Tec I mentioned previously plus see if I had fixed my Colt 1991, so I went to the range Saturday. As recommended by many readers and especially Kim du Toit, I purchased an eight round Wilson Combat mag for my Colt plus I replaced the recoil spring with a Wilson Combat recoil spring and even put some Wilson Combat grease on the rails. The Wilson Combat mag sticks out underneath, making my gun lose some of its simplicity, but that new mag sure makes the regular Colt magazine (the one lying next to the gun) seem like a crude piece of tin hammered out by some caveman.
Anyhoo, here is how things went at the range (this time I remembered a pen):
First I tried my Kel-Tec P3AT one handed (the thing is just too small for two hands) at close range, firing three of it’s six round mags. It jammed a number of times, but it’s in its breaking in period.
Results (Sorry I wrote “clips” on the target; I caught myself later on as I knew some readers would get there panties in a bunch when they saw that improper use of firearm terminology)
Next I tried out my .45, two-hands on it firing 20 Winchester jacketed hollow points at 10 yards. No problems.
Results
Now I fired three 8-rd mags of FMJ hodling with just my right hand. Again, no problems.
Results
Time for my PPK, which I fired left-handed, first round of each mag at double action. Pretty accurate for my off hand if I do say so myself, but what you don’t see is how often the damn thing jammed plus had other problems such as the trigger pull not ever firing the bullet (no duds; just pulled the trigger again double action and it fired).
Results
With two hands on the PPK, there were less jams, but there were still some problems with the firing pin. I really like this gun, as it is quite accurate for its size, so I hate to see these problems.
Results.
Now I tried the Kel-Tec again. Still jammed multiple times, and it takes some getting used to its double action trigger, but it’s too early to have a verdict on the gun.
Results
Fired my .45 two-handed again. I’m going to blame my poor results on trying different styles of trigger pull (how much of my finger I put on the trigger).
Results
Finally, I put the target out at fifty feet and fired off three 10rd. mags of my Browning .22 target pistol. Well, if you count them, you will find thirty holes at least 🙂
Results
Well, I think my poor PPK needs to be taken to a gunsmith. I love that gun, but it’s malfunctioning too much for me to carry it. Some of it has to do with probably how I’m reacting to the recoil, but some must be internals. Also, I can never get it to eject a round by manually pulling back the slide; I have to pull back the slide and let the round fall out the back of the barrel and down the handle.
It’s great to see my baby, my Colt 1991, not have any problems. The only thing was after cleaning and disassembly, it almost seems I’m jamming that recoil spring in there. I think I should replace the spring cap with a full guide rod to keep the spring in place.
As for the Kel-Tec, I’ll wait to see how it performs now that I’ve disassembled and cleaned it myself. It may just need some more breaking in.
Happy shooting.

Man, I hadn’t been to the range in a while. Now, I’ve never had any formal shoot’n train’n, so I’ve had to learn a lot of this on my own. I decided when I go to the range, I have to have some sort of goals, so this time I just brought my two carry guns – my Colt 1991 (.45) and my Walther PPK (.380). I also brought my eight inch barrel Colt Anaconda because it’s just so damn cool.
Anyway, my goal was to practice defense shooting and try out some defense rounds, and damn, it was an expensive outing. Range fee was ten bucks, but I spent more than $130 (though not all that ammo was shot at the range). I got a box of .380 FMJ ($11), box of .45 FMJ ($12), box of soft tipped .44 magnum ($21 – expensive, but it’s fun!). I then bought some MagSafe pre-fragmented ammo for my PPK ($17 for eight rounds) and two small boxes of high quality hollow points for my .45 ($17 bucks each). I also got some snap caps for my .380 ($17) for home practice.
When firing two handed, I use the good ‘ole isosceles stance. That’s feet at shoulder width, tilt my self back slightly while holding the gun straight out, right hand pulling back on the gun while left hand pushing forward. For one handed shooting, I have the foot slightly forward of the hand that is holding the gun and put the other hand in my pocket.
Anyway, here are the shooting results. I forgot to bring a pen, so this is what I remember each target representing. Each target represents a couple of reloads.
I started with firing my PPK with my left hand (my off hand), since I carry it for a left hand draw. To simulate an actual situation, I fired the first shot in double action. Here’s how I did at seven yards (I consider that a defense distance).
Now I switched to two hands on the PPK. The first two shots were the MagSafe, which went straight through the bullseye. I saved the other six bullets for carry ammo.
My main gun is my Colt 1991. It’s a regular size 1911, and I think that gives it good intimidation value. Here’s my results firing with my right hand only.
If I have a choice in the situation, I’d draw the .45 with two hands and fire it two handed. In this instance, I blew through a box of the hollow points to see how my gun handled them, putting the target at ten yards. Quite an interesting pattern. Sometimes I seem to fire the Colt better one handed.
I’m considering getting a second .45, so I tried operating it left handed with the target a seven yards. Well, they all went in the target (well, one just grazed it). I was told the gun was specifically engineered for the right hand, and there was a huge difference in the kick back between the two. When fired with my right hand, it kick straight back. With the left hand, the recoil twists my hand up and to the right. Up, and to the right.
Up… and to the right.
Now for some fun. I put the target all the way out (25 yards, I think) and fired off my Colt Anaconda with two hands on that baby. Oh, yeah!
Now I tried the Anaconda with one hand (at seven yards). It’s so heavy, that my hand was shaking so much making it hard to aim. I also fired my PPK left-handed on the same target. See if you can tell the .44 magnum holes from the .380.
For some reason, I decided to end with the PPK two-handed. What happened with those two outside of the black?
Next time, I’ll do more .45 focus. There were some problems. My .45 sometimes didn’t close completely over a new round (usually the last round in the clip when it happened). The slide then needs slight nudge to close completely. I wonder what causes that — the ammo or the magazine? Also, a couple time the PPK didn’t cock itself after firing. I think that’s a malfunction of the safety accidentally being worked (the safety also decocks the gun).
On my way out, I saw the gun store had a Kel-Tec P3AT selling for only $265. I told you about this gun earlier; it’s a .380 made locally (Cocoa, FL) that is small enough to put in one’s back pocket. I decided to snatch it up, thus making my first handgun purchase (all my other handguns were given to me by my dad – the coolest dad ever!). With all the forms and phone calls, you think I was buying plutonium. Even if I was a criminal, what kind of shooting spree could I go on with a six-shot .380? At least I didn’t have to wait two days to bring it home since I have a CCW.
Anyway, it’s a cool gun. Look how small it is. And how thin. It has no external safties, and relies on a stiff double action. Interestingly, you have to work the slide to pull the trigger again (of course, the explosion of the bullet rakes the slide for you when live firing). Also, it doesn’t lock on an empty clip (but how useful is that really?). It has a six-round mag, so you can keep seven rounds in it if you load the chamber and then put another in the magazine.
I already ordered a Graham’s Leather Cookie for the back pocket. It will give it the profile of the wallet while making an easy draw for a mugger’s surprise… if the Gun-Tests review was accurate.
I haven’t had a chance to fire the gun yet, but it should have some huge kickback since it’s so small. Loaded with the MagSafe, it should make a nice little carry piece, though. When I have a chance to fire it and get the holster, I’ll tell you more.
Happy shoot’n and make sure you identify what you’re aiming at. See you later.

In my final part of my series, I’m going to talk about gun care. You need to care about your gun so it can care about you. Your gun’s ability to shoot bad people could save you one day, and thus you need to treat it with respect. Nothing is worse than when you want to kill someone you miss or your gun malfunctions.

First off, you need to keep training with your guns. That means going to a gun range. There are lots of rules to follow at a gun range, and, though you’re probably thinking, “Hey – I have a gun – I don’t need to follow any rules!” remember that there are lots of other people at the gun ranges with firearms too. There are outdoor ranges where everyone needs to stop, lay down their weapon, and then go out on the range and set up targets. That’s annoying and takes time. I like indoor ranges where you just use some mechanical thing to bring your target towards you and away from you and then fill it with holes.

You need to practice until you have a good grouping of your shots. This makes it more likely that, if someone attacks you, you will make him dead. Also, a paper target where are all the shots are placed neatly in the center makes a great decoration to hang on your office door, especially if you write on the target the word “You.” You’ll find much less people will bother you if you do that.

While shooting and training with your gun is essential, also as important is to clean your gun after every time you fire, whether you spent a while at the range or just shot some punk on the way to the store to pick up some milk. Gunpowder residue will build up in your gun, and you want to remove it to keep proper functioning. This means cleaning out the barrel, all the working parts, and oiling everything to keep your gun protected from the elements.

To clean a gun properly, you need to “strip” the gun, removing the barrel so you can clean it from the inside out. Many guns have different ways to disassemble them, so it’s a good idea no to toss out those instruction booklets even though you probably thought, “Bah! I don’t need no stink’n instructions to tell me how to pull a trigger.” The problem with disassembling a gun is that, if someone is lurking in the shadows waiting to attack you, when your gun is apart is the perfect time for him to strike. In my favorite movie, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, Clint Eastwood is cleaning is gun when he realizes enemies are approaching, so he has to quickly assemble and load it before they attack. You’re not the man with no name, so you don’t want to be in that situation. Instead, when cleaning one gun, keep another gun loaded and in ready access. When done cleaning the first gun, put it back together, load it, and then clean the second. It’s just common sense.

If you ever experience problems with your guns, you may need to use different ammo or have the gun checked out by an experienced gunsmith. To keep you guns in kill’n form takes your vigilance, and, with proper care, you’ll have many years of firearm fun and dead bad people.

Well, that concludes my primer on guns. If there are other topics people want me to cover, put them in the comments. Also, always follow the rules of gun safety, and always fight to make sure laws allow you to have access to lethal force to defend yourself, your family, and your stereo.

Remember, no problem is so complex that it can’t be solved by proper firearm usage.

So now that you have your guns, where do you put them? You could just leave them lying all over your residence, but that’s sloppy and might bother some visitors. Instead, more careful planning is needed.
For home, at minimum you need a shotgun in your closet. Do you have a shotgun in your closet? If not, what the hell are you doing sitting here when you don’t even have a shotgun? Terrorists could jump through the windows at any moment and you’re defenseless. Stop right now and go to Wal-Mart or something by yourself a damn shotgun. I think INS should be able to deport you if you don’t have a shotgun.
Other than that, you should have more strategic goals for your residence. Rachel Lucas was happy she got a house with as many rooms as she has guns, but one gun per room is minimum. Did you see the movie Spiderman? At the very end when Harry Osborn sees Spiderman drop off his dead father, POW! He pulls opens a drawer and has a gun in right in hand with hardly a thought. That’s what your home should be like; always a gun in arms length, because you never known when you might get attacked by Spiderman, who could be as bad as J. Jonah Jameson says.
I have something I call the “Two-Step Rule”. Anywhere in your house you should never be more than two-steps from a gun. Places where you remain stationary a lot, such as in front of your computer or couch in front of the T.V., a gun should be in arms length. In a worse case, “ninjas just broke in through all my entrances” you’ll be immediately prepared. Drawers are always a good place to put a gun, and decorative, leather-bound books hollowed out can be quite stylish. In the kitchen, you can just use a box of cereal. Plus, that gives you a good kill’n line (“There’s a prize inside for you.” Start shooting him again. “Collect them all!”).
The problem is that some people worry about easy access to guns when they have kids. Well, I don’t have kids, so I know you’ll all like my objective opinion on them. Now, while a trigger lock will keep a gun safe from kids, it can also keeps it safe from criminals. When people are screaming, and bullets are flying everywhere, you don’t want to be fumbling around with some combo or small key. Instead, you should just teach your children not to shoot his or her self. Hand the child a gun, and, if she points it at you or others, smack the child on the head and say, “No!” If you still think your child may take a gun and fire it, I’d think of getting rid of him or her. No reason to put your safety at risk because your kid is dumb. There are plenty of sites on the internet where you can sell your kid (and get another gun with the money). Just, when selling the kid, don’t mention it’s from gun stupidity; instead, say something like you’re moving to place where they don’t allow kids. Instead of kids, try a dog; it has less of a desire to mess with your guns though it does shed more.
Now that we covered guns in the home, what about on your person? There are many holsters to choose from, but, remember, the guns has to get to your hand to be fired; the holster can’t fire it itself (note to self: make self firing holster). You may have to wear different clothing to carry a gun, shirts that are untucked to conceal your firearm. I’ve told everyone my choice, though, that seems to work well with any clothing choice. A former police officer told me the best holster is a special fanny pack meant for quick access to the gun. Those in the know (criminals) can tell that means you have a gun, and will probably leave you alone to attack the guy wear the Hanggun Control Inc. t-shirt. Those not in the know, though, will call you gay for having a fanny pack, and, in most states, you can’t pull a gun on someone just for calling you gay (otherwise gay people could pull guns on everyone).
One idea of mine is a wallet gun. A guy mugs you, then, you pull out your wallet and shoot him with a .45 bullet concealed inside. Then the mugger will be like, “Woe is me; I’ve been shot by a .45.” But even my friends at my college gun club thought that was a dumb idea.
I know what you’re all thinking: “I want a holster like Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver where the gun just pops into my hand.” The problem is, that’s just not practical because… hmm… well maybe if… no, it’s not practical to have a gun up your sleeve… then again, if you had a coat with wide sleeves… no, the weight would be too much throughout the day… though, maybe you could get used to it… but what if you’re shaking someone’s hands and it just pops out? Well, I guess there could be some safeties to it.
On second thought, I’m going to look into making one of those holsters and see how it works out.
Anyway, the thing to remember about where or however you keep you firearms is KISS – Keep It Simple, Stupid. You want to be able to quickly get your gun in hand and operate it since at the time you may be very panicked or very mad.
Next week I’ll end this series with a discussion of gun care. Happy shooting.

In previous issues of Frank on Guns, I went over gun basics and gun calibers; now you need to pick out a gun to do your killer’n. I’m just going to focus on handguns right now because I know them better and they’re cool.
One of the questions I commonly get from people who don’t anything about guns is how much does a gun cost. That’s like asking how much does a car cost. In just handguns you can range from a $150 dollar Yugo to a $5000 dollar Maybach. Then there is customization, and you could easily put thousands more on to any gun’s price. Also, if you want a full-automatic mp5, it’s time to mortgage the house (and check the legality of owning one in your state).
Generally you get what you pay for, though sometimes you do pay for the name (if you want an official Colt peacemaker, you better be prepared to put out the big bucks). Anyway, I’m going to discuss my opinion on different handguns based on my personal experience, what I’ve heard, what I think I’ve heard, and what I’ve just plain imagined.
The first thing you need to decide is whether you want a revolver (based on a nearly 170 year old design) or a semi-automatic pistol (based on a much newer design just barely over a hundred years old). First I’ll talk about the revolver.
Revolvers
The revolver is the most simplistic of the gun design (read “less to go wrong”). Pretty much all of them have no more to their operation than pulling the trigger (except for single action; cock it, then pull trigger). Even a moron or a curious five year old could operate one of these. Loading is more of a problem as each bullet has to be put into the chambers individually, and you’re not going to get high capacity (try imagining a 19 round kill’n wheel, a.k.a. cylinder). IMHO, if you find yourself in a situation where you need more than six rounds, though, then you were looking for trouble.
If you don’t care about size, you can always go with the legendary S&W Model 96 (or newer 629) .44 magnum just like Dirty Harry, or get a sweet .357 magnum Colt Python (if you can find one). If money is no object, you could get the Korth Combat Revolver for $4,700. To the layman, it looks just like a revolver you could buy for $300, but, to the more discerning eye, it costs $4,700.
For conceal carry, you want a nice snub-nose revolver, the ultimate backup gun. Ruger has some great ones that don’t cost very much, and S&W as some good ones too, including hammerless ones so the hammer won’t snag (secret: it actually has a hammer; it’s just hidden). They also make the LadySmith, the first gun tailored towards women’s kill’n needs. It’s a perfectly fine gun for a man to use as well, but, if you shoot a mugger with it, his dying words will imply you’re gay.
Semi-Autos
Semi-automatics are much more complicated, using the force of the bullet explosion to push back the kill’n cover (a.k.a. slide) and chamber a new round from the magazine. It’s much more complicated (read ‘more to go wrong’), with each gun having its own take on safeties and what-not. Still, if you get yourself a good model and train on it, a semi-auto is a great weapon. Plus, reloading is quick and cool, as nothing beats slapping in a new magazine and raking the slide (note: the manual says to not “slap” the manual in, but what does a manual know). Plus, you can get really high capacity if you want to pay for it.
I guess this is a good time to discuss pre-ban magazines. For those who don’t know, in 1994 the evil Clinton passes a bill banning magazines that hold more than 10 rounds.

“Oh, he only shot me ten times. Thank god for that law which… Oh no! He’s reloading!”

The law was not retroactive of course (try walking from gun owner to gun owner and demanding they hand stuff over) so there is a premium on high-capacity pre-ban clips. As for guns that were made after 1994 (such as the Walther P99) you’re kinda screwed. This law, of course, was un-American, as we should be working towards larger and larger capacities until you don’t need to reload at all. A very American gun is the Calico which has a 100-rd cylinder magazines that go on top of the gun (“I know what you’re thinking, punk: Did I fire all 100 bullets or just 99? To tell you the truth, in the heat of the past six months, I lost count myself…”). We need to repeal that evil law, and thus make my dad having wasted money spending over a hundred dollars for some Glock magazines.
Anyway, here are some notable semi-autos:
Beretta 92FS: This is the current military sidearm, and I’ve fired one, borrowing it from my brother, Joe foo’ the Marine. It’s most noticeable in how the slide is cut so that most of the barrel is visible (and you will see it in about any movie or TV show with guns). This is to help prevent jamming (a casing or improper loading of the next round which ceases the semi-auto’s functioning). Jamming’s can get you killed in battle, so jamming is bad (i.e., not good). With any gun, test a hundred rounds through it with the ammo you plan to use to test for jamming. IMHO, the Beretta 92FS is kinda big for something that fires a dinky 9mm, but you can get Beretta’s that fire more manly, non-metric calibers. 15rd pre-ban clips for the 9mm are pretty easy to find, though.
Desert Eagle: Most notable for that kill’n end is triangular shaped… oh yeah, and it’s frick’n huge. Fires magnum rounds usually only found in revolvers and it’s own .50 AE ammo. I really would love to own this $1000 handgun, but I don’t know of any practical purpose for it. It’s too big for conceal carry… or even just regular carry. The only thing I’ve seen it used for is as a great gun for villains in movies (see the Agents in The Matrix).
Sig Sauer: A gun made my the Swiss and sold by the Germans. Expensive, but supposed to be worth the money. Don’t have too much experience with them, and would be interested in comments.
Glock: Durable, high capacity, simple to use, and no safeties (I don’t count the frigg’n trigger safety). You can get these in about any caliber you want (9mm,.40,.45,10mm,sig.357… did I miss any?). Plus, you have the option of regular size and compact for conceal and carry (high capacity clips will still go into the compacts but stick out underneath, defeating the point of it being compact). They all look the same, which is great if you have a wife who doesn’t like you owning lots of guns, because then you can get guns in a bunch of different calibers and make it look like you only have one gun (not that I know anyone who fits this description ). If you get a compact model, just tell your wife that the larger gun had a baby. Wives who don’t like guns are stupid, so she should fall for it.
Glock is most notable for being the first gun to use composite materials. The frame is plastic, while the slide and barrel are metal like God intended. Also, they were one of the first guns to offer ridiculous size ammo capacities (you can get a 19 round magazine for Glock 17). They cost big bucks now. We spent $125 dollars as a present for my Dad so could fire three more bullets out of his Glock 21 (.45 caliber).
My complaint about the Glocks is that, once a round is chambered, a not to stiff trigger pull is all that keeps it from firing. I like either a stiff double action on the first round or a manual safety. Something to keep in mind for conceal and carry, because you really want a gun you feel safe with a round chambered in it so that it can be drawn and fired quickly.
Walther: Want to be like James Bond? I’m sorry, you’re too lame, but you can own his guns like me. I have both a Walther PPK (PPK/S actually; they had to change the frame to comply with some idiotic gun regulations) which was the old bond gun and the Walther P99 which is the new bond gun. The Walther PPK is a nice metal gun that fires a dinky .380 round with good accuracy at a self-defense range. Good for concealment and not too expensive. The Walther P99 comes in 9mm and .40 and has a composite frame like the Glock (I’m still getting used to it). It’s a bit bigger and harder to conceal. Also, composite frames aren’t so good for hitting someone over the head with the beat’n end of the gun.
1911: The pistol. The original is made by Colt, but everybody and their sister makes one now (even S&W has come out with one). It fits in your hand like it’s supposed to be there, and fires that .45 bullet like a dream. You can either buy a simple platform and customize it (like the Colt 1991 I have), or get a nicely souped up one from Kimber or Springfield. There are also compact models for conceal and carry (though I successfully conceal and carry my full size model). The gun only fires single action, which means the way to carry it is cocked and locked, i.e., round in the chamber, hammer pulled back, thumb safety on. This is scary to some people, as some people are pansies. Also, the regular magazine for this gun holds only 7 rounds, but that’s seven dead perps in my book. There are double stack magazine versions, but then you have a bulky grip. Para Ordnance makes a double action 1911, but, to me, that’s just wrong.
Before you buy a gun, you have to make sure it’s right for you. If you have friends with guns, see if they let you try them out. Also, many gun ranges let you rent guns (the one I go to in Idaho has a fully-automatic Thompson “You’ll never take me alive, coppers!” submachine gun to rent; sweet!). You want to at least hold the gun and see if the grip is comfortable to you. Most importantly, you need to ask yourself, “Can I see myself killing someone with this gun.”
Sorry, I think I ended up actually trying to be informative instead of just funny today. It’s important to note that I don’t actually know jack. Anyway, next week we’ll talk about how you store your gun, either in your home or on your self.

This is the second part of primer for people who don’t know much about guns. In my previous entry, I went over gun basics. Now let’s discuss the almighty bullet.
As stated before, the cartridge (a.k.a. kill’n fuel) consists of three parts: the kill’n activator, the gunpowder, and roundy, pointy thing which flies fast does the killer’n. What determines the power of the cartridge is the amount of gunpowder and the size of the roundy, pointy thing which flies fast does the killer’n (slug, for short).
Now, I’m going to stick to mainly handgun calibers as that is what I know. Did you know the lower the shotgun gauge, the more powerful it is? That’s crazy. Anyway, handguns are the coolest, and their name refers to the width of the bullet, either in parts of an inch or indecipherable metrics. What about the length of the cartridge, you ask? That’s a secret.
.22: This is target ammo. It’s cheap and plentiful, but, for killer’n, it’s only good if you just want to injure a squirrel. It’s rimfire; you can hit it anywhere on the rim to start the kill’n activator. You don’t have to be exact or anything, it will fire.
.25 and .32: These start to look like baby versions of real bullets, being center fire (having a round little target on the back to start the kill’n activator). Some people want to ban certain types of ammo, and I say ban these. They’re only good for wounding someone, and that’s just mean.
.380 (or 9mm short as known by Nazis and Commies): With this bullet, you’re starting to get serious. This is what my Walther PPK fires. You really need something more that a regular FMJ to make it deadly though (more on this below).
9mm (or .380 long as known by me): A very popular bullet, especially after the high capacity craze started with Glock. Sure, you can fire 19 of these without reloading, but you’ll need it to take someone down with this little pansy cartridge. Also popular with submachine guns– except for my man, Tommy. It’s the bullet fired by the Beretta 92FS, the M9 sidearm of our troops. Poor troops only having a 9mm sidearm. I have a Walther P99 in 9mm myself, but, because of damn Clinton, I only have silly little 10-rd magazines for it. Bastard.
10mm: A high-powered semi-auto round made for the FBI. But it’s a damn metrics bullet and hasn’t really caught on.
.40: Smith & Wesson shortened the 10mm and gave it nice American caliber name. This quickly became the choice round of law enforcement, because it’s much more of a man-stopper than that pansy ass 9mm.
.45: My man, .45. There are two .45’s, both made popular by Colt. The first is known as the .45 Long Colt, and that’s the bullet fired by the old West Peacemakers. What we mainly know as .45 today is the .45 ACP (Automatic Colt Pistol) made popular by the ultimate semi-auto, the 1911 (that’s the year Ronald Reagan was born; coincidence, I think not). It is also the bullet of the Thompson submachine gun (the Tommy gun), made popular in WWII and made unpopular by gangsters. It’s a man’s bullet, a nice big chunky SOB which you could probably knock someone unconscious just by throwing it at him. Do not fire this bullet if you’re some girly man.
.38 Special: A popular bullet for backup revolvers. What does special mean? Think like “special classes” and the kids who rode the short bus. It’s not a very powerful cartridge.
.357 Magnum: Magnum is Latin for large or great, and this is a great bullet for blowing some punk away. You might need to get both hands on this one. Why isn’t it a .356 or a .358 you ask? Because some very scientifical people determined that .357 it should be. Any revolver that fires a .357 magnum can also fire a .38 special. Now isn’t that special?
.44 Magnum: “Are you feeling lucky? Well do ya, punk?” Dirty Harry caliber and that used by xXx. Actually, it might be a little too much for shooting a man unless you don’t care about also shooting anyone who might stand a mile behind him. My dad originally bought one for fishing in Alaska in case he got attacked by a bear. I have a Colt Anaconda myself which I keep around in case a Florida alligator looks at me funny. There is a .44 Special, i.e., a retarded version.
.454 Casull and .480 Ruger: Now we’re just getting ridiculous. Just get yourself a damn rifle.
.50 AE: AE if for Action Express. It’s made by those crazy Israelis just for the Desert Eagle because those Palestinians are so annoying they wanted something extra big to shoot them with.
500 S&W Magnum: After caving in the anti-gun nuts, Smith & Wesson had to win back the heart of their consumers. They did this by making a freaking huge handgun caliber. If someone is robbing the house four houses down from you, you can shoot through all the houses and hit him with this.
If all of these calibers are too weak for you, those crazy Israelis at Magnum Research can make revolvers for you chambered in rifle rounds like the venerable .30-.30. The only purpose of these is to freak out people at a gun range, and it takes a lot to freak out people at a gun range.
So, the question is, what’s good for killer’n? As I said, .380 is minimum, but you don’t want a regular slug. When I say regular slug, I mean a full metal jacket (FMJ), just like the name of that movie (“What’s your major malfunction, numbnuts?”). That’s when the slug is coated in metal. More stopping power is a hollow point, which has a hollow point. It collapses on impact leaving a regular entry wound and a big exit wound. The best are bullets that fragment on impact and spread throughout the perps body. If the bullet doesn’t go through, that means all power was transferred to the perp, and that’s what you want. Think stopping power, yo.
The next questions is what caliber do you want to use to kill a monkey. The proper caliber should reduce a monkey to nothing but a fine red mist. That means, for a regular size monkey, use a bullet big enough to kill a gorilla. To kill a gorilla (scientific name gorilla gorilla), use something big enough to kill King Kong. To kill King Kong… well, God help us all.
Next week we’ll talk about popular handgun choices. Remember: No problem is so complex it can’t be solved by proper firearm usage.

I got this letter recently:

First of all, I absolutely love your website. In fact, I visit it religiously and have bookmarked it on all of the computers in my school’s lab…but anyway, I have a little suggestion for your website! You seem to know a whole lot about guns, which is very cool. I, however, don’t. I find this to be very sad, seeing as I am an extremely patriotic and violent warmonger-y American. I do own a gun that my father gave me when I left home for the first time, and I know how to use it, but to this day I have no clue what the heck it is. All I know is that it makes a big noise and is extremely effective in killing people. Though I’m sure you’re very busy, I think it would be beneficial if you made a “guns for dummies” type page where you explain different guns and what kind of power they have. This would be great for us females, in case a communist/hippy/ninja/Hillary Clinton shows up at our doorstep while we’re ironing or something. I just thought I’d leave you with that little suggestion, and thanks for the great site!

-Mackynzie G.

I think that’s a great idea, as I always love to help the community. I’ve already written a history of guns and a list of gun safety tips, but I guess I could do more. So maybe now I can start my own series on guns to discuss all other aspects of them. Let’s start with the basics.

There are many different types of guns, but they all work on the same principle in the end: there is a hole you point at who you want dead. That’s called the “kill’n hole”. The kill’n hole is at the end of the tube, known as the barrel. The action of the gun is started by pulling what most people call the trigger, though the technical term is the “kill’n activator”. When you pull the kill’n activator, the hammer is released and the “let’s kill something pin” (a.k.a. firing pin) flies forward. This strikes the cartridge (the “kill’n fuel” of the gun) in its “kill’n catalyst” (a.k.a. primer). This causes a spark which ignites the gun powder (which is only known as the gun powder) which then explodes and sends the bullet or slug or, more scientifically, the “roundy, pointy thing which flies fast does the killer’n” through the barrel. It is stabilized by groves in the barrel known as “grooves” which were initially added to the gun to spice up the opening of James Bond movies.

Here are the different types of guns:

• Revolver: this is a gun with a cylinder that “revolves”

• Semi-automatic pistol: this is a pistol that’s sorta automatic

• Shotgun: this is a “gun” that fires “shot”

• Rifle: I don’t what the hell this is. Apparently it’s rifled or something

• Machine gun: This is a gun that uses a little machine to fire bullets rapidly. Don’t bother looking for the machine; it’s very small.

• Sub-machine gun: Like a machine gun, but it goes underwater.

• Glue gun: Fires hot glue. If you’re creative, it’s great for arts and crafts. If you’re really, really creative, you can kill someone with it.

Let’s see, what’s left about gun basics… Oh yeah, there’s what you hold the gun by. This is either a “grip” or a “butt”. More generally, this is known as the “beat’n end” of the gun.

CAUTION: Never confuse the kill’n end with the beat’n end of a gun. This is especially important when firing the gun and when affixing a bayonet.

Also, there is the way different guns load more ammo. A revolver simply has many chambers with bullets which rotates each bullet into “kill’n position”. This is effective and makes it easier to fire the gun if you have a bullet that doesn’t fire, a.k.a. dud or hippy bullet. For automatics and semi-automatics, the gun loads from a magazine. Sometimes this is called a clip, but never use that term in a post or you’ll get an angry e-mail telling you that you used the wrong nomenclature. To tell how many bullets a magazine holds, keep pushing bullets into it until you finally exclaim, “This is too hard; I give up.” Sometime one more bullet can be put in the magazine if you have a friend helping by yelling at you, “Don’t be such a pussy; you can fit one more bullet in there.”

The last important gun basic is whether you have a single action or double action gun. In a single action gun, you have to cock the gun yourself. That sounds dirty, but it just means to pull the hammer back (that’s located at the top of beat’n end of the gun). Eventually, people got lazy, and then double-action guns were invented so that you just had to pull the trigger and the hammer works itself. Also, for semi-automatics, they’ll cock the hammer for you each time they fire; isn’t that nice of them. Some guns, though, like the Glock, don’t have a visible hammer. That’s just freaky. I don’t know how the hell that works and I’d stay away from one because it might use devil magic.

That’s all the gun basics. With that knowledge, you’ll soon be on your way to kill’n. Next time we’ll discuss calibers.