I’m bored, and I thought it would be fun to have a Top Ten list of facts about Canada. It seems like a cool country, with Scotty T and fewer of the problems that plague the U.S.
I remember with fondness how FrnakJ and Harvey would create “Babylon Bee”-style lists of things that made me laugh, before the Babylon Bee even existed.
So have at it.
Alberta is a province, not a VO-5. Biden has decided not to visit.
The plural of moose is not meese.
The plural of Mounties is “Shut your freaking mouth.”
In Ottawa, you can get arrested for repeating the word “Ottawa” over and over.
In British Columbia, you can get arrested for forgetting which Columbia you are in.
Huskies do not cuddle.
William Shatner = Canada.
If you ever meet anyone being polite in America, they are probably from Canada.
Canada did not join the American colonies in rebelling against England, but they still might.
It’s freaking yuge! Consult a map if you don’t believe me.
Love at First Sight After seeing model Shakira Baksh in a Maxwell Coffee advertisement in 1971, Caine declared she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. Mistakenly believing she was from Brazil, he vowed to go there to find her. From a friend in the advertisement business, he learned she lived only a few miles away. They’ve been married since 1973.
A Misnomer Despite all of his success, Caine never legally changed his name out of respect for his family. When he was knighted and made a Commander of the British Empire in 2000, he was invested as Sir Maurice Mickelwhite. It’s thus technically incorrect to refer to him as “Sir Michael Caine”.
His Favorite Interestingly enough, for all of the great roles he’s performed over the years, one of his top favorites was playing Ebeneezer Scrooge in A Muppet Christmas Carol. Rather than clowning around with the puppets, Caine said “I’m going to play this movie like I’m working with the Royal Shakespeare Company. I will never wink, I will never do anything Muppety. I am going to play Scrooge as if it is an utterly dramatic role and there are no puppets around me.” The result of this was truly one of the best Scrooge performances that’s been put to screen and Caine’s seriousness makes him a perfect straight man for the wacky Muppets.
Every day, it has been estimated, between one and five of your cells turns cancerous and your immune system captures and kills them. Think of that.
A couple of dozen times a week, well over 1,000 times a year, you get the most dreaded disease of our age, and each time your body saves you.
Our bodies are a universe of 37.2 trillion cells operating in more or less perfect concert more or less all the time.
. . .
Ben’s field is orthopaedics, so he loves bones and tendons and cartilage the way other people love expensive cars or excellent wines. “See that?” he says, tapping a small, smooth, very white obtrusion at the base of the thumb, which I take to be a bit of exposed bone.
“No, it’s cartilage,” he corrects. “Cartilage is remarkable, too. It is many times smoother than glass: it has a friction coefficient five times less than ice.
“Imagine playing ice hockey on a surface so smooth that the skaters went 16 times as fast. That’s cartilage.
“But unlike ice, it isn’t brittle. It doesn’t crack under pressure as ice would. And you grow it yourself. It’s a living thing.”
. . .
“Bone is stronger than reinforced concrete,” says Ben, “yet light enough to allow us to sprint.” All your bones together will weigh no more than about 20 lb (nine kilograms), yet most can withstand up to a ton of compression.
“Bone is also the only tissue in the body that doesn’t scar,” Ben adds. “If you break your leg, after it heals you cannot tell where the break was. There’s no practical benefit to that. Bone just seems to want to be perfect.”
Even more remarkably, bone will grow back and fill a void.
“You can take up to 30 centimetres of bone out of a leg, and with an external frame and a kind of stretcher you can have it grow back,” Ben says. “Nothing else in the body will do that.”
. . .
Altogether, you are about 40 per cent muscle if you are a reasonably slender man, slightly less if you are a proportionately similar woman, and just keeping that mass of muscle uses up 40 per cent of your energy allowance when you are at rest and much more when you are active. Because muscle is so expensive to maintain, we sacrifice muscle tone really quickly when we are not using it.
Studies by NASA have shown that astronauts – even on short missions, from five to 11 days – lose up to 20 per cent of muscle mass.
. . .
In the second or so since you started this sentence, your body has made a million red blood cells. They are already speeding around you, coursing through your veins, keeping you alive.
Each of those red blood cells will rattle around you about 150,000 times, repeatedly delivering oxygen to your cells, and then, battered and useless, will present itself to other cells to be quietly killed off for the greater good of you.
Altogether it takes seven billion billion billion (that’s 7,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000, or seven octillion) atoms to make you. No one can say why those seven billion billion billion atoms have such an urgent desire to be you.
— You Cure Yourself of Cancer 24 Times a Week … Without Knowing It The Mail On Sunday | 21 September 2019 | Bill Bryson
For no reason in particular, we present some Fun Facts About Harvey. Okay, there is a reason. See if you can guess it before we’re done.
Harvey was named after a character in a Jimmy Stewart movie. He later changed it from “Elwood” to “Harvey.”
Harvey was born in Cicero, Illinois and worked in the family store. He had a troubled youth, and eventually moved to Albuquerque, New Mexico to work at his brother’s law firm. He obtained a law degree from the University of American Samoa. During his law practice, Harvey became heavily involved with some unsavory characters and was forced to go on the run, changing his identity and getting a job at a Cinnabon in Omaha, Nebraska.
Wait. Maybe that was somebody else.
After a stint in the Navy, Harvey romanced a local girl, but found her attentions split between himself and some other sailor who had deformed arms, one eye, and smoked a pipe.
For as long as he can remember, Harvey’s lifelong dream was to become Lt. Governor of New Hampshire.
Harvey actually just now looked that last one up, and now me, him, and citizens of New Hampshire are the only ones who get that joke.
Harvey wishes he didn’t have to go through such difficult Google searches to get my really lame jokes.
Harvey was the model for Abraham Lincoln on the $5 bill.
The number of blog-children Harvey has is unknown. His blog family stopped growing only after he got a cover for his keyboard.
Gary Oldman was originally cast as the lead role in a movie about Harvey’s life. Oldman was later replaced by Emma Stone.
The movie is currently in development hell, ever since Frank J was assigned to write the script.
Harvey has been the primary blogger at IMAO for several years. During his infrequent vacations, he spends his time away from IMAO by posting at IMAO.
That’s right. Its SarahK’s birthday! And we couldn’t let the day pass without helping all of you get to know SarahK a little better. So, we present Fun Facts About SarahK!
Many readers of IMAO first came to know of SarahK when she won First Prize in the IMAO T-Shirt Babe contest.
First Prize was marrying Frank J.
Grand Prize was not marrying Frank J.
SarahK won the contest fair and square. She knows how to handle a weapon. That’s also why she wins all the arguments with Frank J.
SarahK is gluten intolerant. She doesn’t have celiac disease, she just has no patience for gluten whatsoever.
She lived much of her life in Texas, for which Texas is extremely proud.
When she married Frank J, she moved Frank J. to Florida, for which Texas is extremely grateful.
She later moved Frank J. to Idaho, for which Florida is extremely grateful.
SarahK was able to move back to Texas after she proved Frank J. had all his shots.
SarahK is raising three wonderful children. Four, if you count Frank J.
She has a hard time getting Frank J. to clean up around the house. Not because he doesn’t like to clean, but because he really hates that French Maid outfit she makes him wear.
When she was a little girl, SarahK wanted to be a princess. She settled for being the queen of all she surveys.
SarahK is a fan of the Twilight books. I’m not going to make a joke about sparkly vampires, because I read the Fun Fact about her knowing how to use a gun.
Donald Trump will pee on your cat’s head, even if he is not alone with it. You might think this isn’t really a Fun Fact about Frank J., but where do you think the president got the idea?
Contrary to popular myth, Frank J. did not play Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: The Next Generation.
He actually played Beverly Crusher.
Frank J. came to Earth as a small child after being fired into space by his scientist parents from the doomed planet of Krypton.
His parents didn’t know their planet was doomed. They just wanted to get rid of Frank J.
In a fight between Frank J. and Aquaman, to everyone’s surprise, Aquaman wins because Frank J. can’t swim without water wings. Harvey gets the blog.
Frank J. is the same age as Jack Benny. That’s why all the other bloggers at IMAO are based on characters from the Jack Benny Program.
For instance, I’m based on Rochester.
Frank J. regularly listens to classical music. His favorite classical pieces are “Kill Da Wabbitt” and the one where Bugs cuts Elmer’s hair.
Frank J. is famous for his plan to Nuke The Moon. However, Project A119, an Air Force plan to nuke the moon was developed in 1958, and only one of the bloggers at IMAO was alive in 1958. I won’t say his name, but it rhymes with “dazzle.”
Despite his gruff exterior, Frank J. really loves cute, cuddly kittens. With a hollandaise sauce.
Frank J.’s Birthday is a national holiday. You can go ahead and take off work. It’ll be fine.
Frank J. hates monkeys. There’s not a joke here. I figured at least one of these Fun Facts ought to be true.
Now that you know all that, you can celebrate Frank J.’s birthday in style.
(Reposted from 2007)
In honor of St. Patrick’s day, I thought I’d take the time to share a few items that I made turned up while researching the Emerald Isle:
Ireland was founded in 432 AD by a group of masochists who actually ENJOYED leading bleak lives of hopeless despair. Many of their descendants would later emigrate to Chicago and become Cubs fans.
In 1998 Danny O’Malley of Dublin created the first internet search engine to specialize in Irish-related information: Alcohoogle.
Currently, every search term entered therein returns the Guinness home page.
To prevent illegal immigration into the country, Irish Border Patrol members guard the country’s beaches by hurling empty whiskey bottles at swimmers.
The Irish possess the most unstoppable Special Forces in the world, which are capable of successfully invading any nation with at least one distillery.
According to noted zoologist Jonathan Swift, the Irish – unlike rattlesnakes – really DO taste like chicken.
Ireland has long been famous for the irritable temperament of its inhabitants. It used to be called Angerland, until St. Patrick realized that “ire” was a much more sophisticated-sounding word.
The national symbol of Ireland is the shamrock. Which used to be called the “samrock”, but the new pronunciation quickly took over, since that’s how a liquored-to-the-gills Irishman would pronounce it, anyway.
Another important symbol of Ireland is the hardwood cudgel known as the “shillelagh”. Which used to be called a “salay”, but changed for the same reason as the samrock.
In a fight between Aquaman and Ireland, Aquaman would die messily when his dolphin “mysteriously” exploded, with the IRA claiming responsibility shortly afterwards.
The Irish are a clever and inventive people who are popularly credited with inventing several different types of bar soap. None of which they’ve been able to sell to France.
Which really sucks, because France is upwind.
Before switching to the Euro in 1999, the Irish had a dual currency system, where both Guinness bottle caps and whiskey labels circulated freely alongside each other.
There was also a brief experimental period with British currency, but – like most things in Ireland featuring the Queen’s portrait – the bills quickly became too spit-soaked for practical usage.
Although the Irish claim to have their own language, it’s actually just a form of English that they picked up from watching Lucky Charms commercials.
Even though Ireland thinks it’s better than the US, I think the fact that Americans can dance AND use their arms at the same time proves them wrong.
While Ireland DOES have a President and a Parliament, the true power rests in the hands of Bono and his mysterious Leprechaun Council.
Despite the impression given by the Notre Dame mascot, not all Irish are obnoxious, chrome-domed troublemakers. Just Sinead O’Connor.
Much like the fabled elephant graveyard, the Irish have a secret bog where they go off to die when they become too feeble to lift a glass.
In Ireland, starting a fight by punching someone in the face is considered a friendly greeting. Starting a fight by throwing your drink in someone’s face, however, is grossly insulting, wastes precious alcohol, and carries the death penalty.
Only one Irishman has ever won the Tour de France (Stephen Roche, 1987). Although this SOUNDS pathetic, I’m actually quite impressed that they found someone sober enough to sit on a bicycle without toppling over.
Irish pop band The Boomtown Rats recently scored their first hit single since 1979 with their War on Terror ballad, “I Don’t Like Mohammeds”.
Like the US, Ireland’s constitution guarantees its citizens the right to free speech. It doesn’t do them any good, though, since the only difference between Irish speech and incoherent drunk-dialing is the phone.
The first Irishman in America, Paddy O’Tatertot, was also the man who built Notre Dame college and started its legendary football program. This caused the mass immigration of the Irish to America in the late 1800s, as they all wanted to see this union of the two best aspects of their country – devout religion and open-field brawling.
Ireland’s 1996 Olympic Gold Medal swimmer, Michelle Smith, was banned from the sport in 1999 for substance abuse after her urine sample was found to contain enough alcohol to qualify for a proof rating.
Sad thing is, that last one was completely true. Personally, I don’t think it’s fair to test the Irish for alcohol. It’s like testing SpongeBob for seawater.
* Christmas celebrates the anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ. Since he was Jewish, he was circumcised 8 days later, which anniversary we now commemorate with the holiday OW!OW!OW!mas
* The beloved holiday icon Santa Claus originally wore a green outfit, which he changed to red after joining the Communist Party.
* Christmas specials which show Santa’s workshop at the North pole often include penguins. This is factually incorrect, since penguins are native to the SOUTH pole, where, coincidentally, Santa’s evil twin brother Satan Claus has HIS workshop.
* He mostly makes fruitcakes – the most concentrated form of evil known to man.
* Tree decorating originated with tree-worshiping Druids, whose modern descendants mostly just bitch about globalization and throw garbage cans through windows at Starbucks.
* If an elf bites you, you become one.
* Not everyone celebrates Christmas. Jews celebrate Hanukkah, which commemorates some magic oil that burned for 8 days. Oddly, this is not the same “OIIIIIILLLLL!” that the Iraq war was “all about”.
* The majority of terrorists don’t celebrate Christmas, either. Mostly because they’ve been killed by Americans.
* Rastafarians celebrate Christmas by smoking marijuana on Christmas Day.
* And every other day.
* Some families open their presents on Christmas Eve. Some families open their presents on Christmas morning. This or slavery was the cause of the Civil War.
* Santa’s sleigh is pulled by reindeer, which are just like regular deer, except somewhat larger and thus more likely to collapse the roof of your car after they bounce off your hood.
* Santa’s reindeer can also fly, probably because they’re Rastafarians.
* The French celebrate Christmas by decorating trees and surrendering to them.
* The tradition of kissing under the mistletoe originated to allow married men to make out with their mistresses at office parties, and survives today despite the invention of the broom closet.
* A “Christmas Club” is a savings account in which a person deposits a fixed amount of money regularly to be used at Christmas for shopping. It’s also a stick used to beat up Salvation Army bell-ringers so you can steal their kettles.
* The Friday after Thanksgiving is the second busiest shopping day of the year. The busiest is “Thank God Gas Stations Sell Roses Day”, AKA “Valentine’s Day”.
* Before settling on the name “Tiny Tim” for the character’s name in “A Christmas Carol”, Charles Dickens also considered such names as Feeble Frank, Crippled Carl, Defective Dan, Hobbling Harry, and Mutilated Marvin.
* Eggnog is a traditional holiday beverage made from eggs and named after the sound people make after having one too many of them.
* Christmas was once a moveable feast celebrated at many different times during the year. The choice of December 25 was made by Pope Julius I in the 4th century A.D. so that he could get the day off to go skiing.
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Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get the roof of my car replaced.
Independence Day is a holiday where patriots celebrate the founding of a free nation and should not be confused with any insipid, 2-hour long Jeff Goldblum commercials for Apple computers.
1) The first Independence Day in America was celebrated on July 4th, 1776, the day the Continental Congress approved the document that declared our independence from Great Britain. The war that followed lasted until 1783, so basically less messy than most divorces.
2) The major objection to being ruled by Britain was pithily summed up as “taxation without representation”. Minor objections included “Brit hookers aren’t lookers” and “your tea tastes like pee”.
3) Thomas Jefferson presented the first draft of the Declaration of Independence to Congress on June 28th, 1776, but it wasn’t passed, so no one ever found out what was in it.
4) Betsy Ross actually sewed the first American flag two months before Independence Day, a case of premature embroideration.
5) The first public Independence Day event at the White House occurred in 1804 during the Jefferson administration and was attended mainly by hippies accusing the President of waging war to steal oil from the Barbary pirates.
6) Before cars ruled the roadway, Independence Day was traditionally the most miserable day of the year for horses, tormented by kids who threw firecrackers at them. Think of it as a primitive version of “Angry Birds”.
7) Lewis and Clark celebrated the first Independence Day west of the Mississippi at Independence Creek near Atchison, Kansas. The main festivity consisted of throwing firecrackers at cyclones, resulting in the death of over 100 Munchkins and the Good Witch of the South.
8) Both Thomas Jefferson and John Adams died on Independence Day, 1826. Jefferson, however, managed to outlive Adams by a few minutes, thus fulfilling the tontine and securing for himself the front of both the nickel and the two dollar bill.
9) The names of the signers of the Declaration of Independence were withheld from the public for more than six months to protect the signers from being prosecuted for treason. Not sure what Jane Fonda did to dodge that bullet.
10) In 1941, Congress declared Independence Day a federal legal holiday. It is one of the few federal holidays that has not been moved to the nearest Friday or Monday, due mostly to the fact that bills proposing the move are always introduced too close to the Memorial Day weekend to get acted upon.
11) Over 100 other nations besides America celebrate their own Independence Day. All of whom, ironically, are completely dependent on America to protect them militarily.
12) A large percentage of Americans also celebrate Dependence Day. Usually around the 1st of the month when the check from Uncle Sam hits the ol’ mailbox.
13) The traditional form of celebration on Independence Day is setting off illegal fireworks. If some killjoy cop tries to bust you for it, play “Angry Birds” with him.
14) Also traditional, yet less popular in modern times – writing long, bilious letters to monarchs That include random Capitalization and ftarting “s” words with the letter “f”.
15) To be safe on Independence Day, never carry fireworks in your pocket or shoot them off in metal or glass containers. To have fun on Independence Day, always light your fireworks with a burning sheet of safety tips.
Have a happy Independence Day, and remember – an Independence Day parade ain’t an Independence Day parade unless it includes at least one tarred and feathered Redcoat.
Time once again to honor fathers everywhere and celebrate fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society.
Since you’re probably not familiar with the holiday, allow me to enlighten you:
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Typical American Father’s Day celebration.
1) Father’s Day was invented in 1909 by Sonora Dodd who got the idea while listening to a Mother’s Day sermon, during which she realized that that her own father – a widower farmer left alone to raise his six kids – deserved more crappy neckties.
2) There are an estimated 70 million fathers in the United States, all of whom own single-handled ceramic proof that they are the country’s #1 Dad.
3) The first presidential proclamation honoring fathers was issued in 1966 when President Lyndon Johnson designated the third Sunday in June as Father’s Day, figuring if he couldn’t get away to play golf, why should anyone else?
4) Father’s Day in America has been officially celebrated annually since 1972 when President Richard Nixon signed the public law that made it permanent, which explains the traditional “Father’s Day 18 Minutes of Silence.”
5) Worst Father’s Day gift ever: watching your son get Force Lightninged by your boss.
6) The most popular Internet search connected to the day is “Father’s Day crafts,” which, surprisingly, is the only Google image search that will not return pictures of frolicking lesbians.
7) The official Father’s Day flower is the rose, which most men consider the perfect gift as long as it’s sticking out of the chuck of a DeWalt cordless drill.
8) In Australia, Father’s Day is celebrated on the first Sunday in September. Traditionally, Australian fathers spend the day killing crocodiles with their bare hands. Much like every day in Australia.
9) Nearly 95 million Father’s Day cards were given last year in the United States, making Father’s Day the fourth-largest card-sending occasion. All theses card together could fill a 1-acre hole that’s 100 feet deep. The Monday after Father’s Day, they usually do.
10) Sons and daughters send 50% of the Father’s Day cards. 30% are purchased by wives for their husbands. The other 20% are handed to unsuspecting men by women during a pause after they’ve just said “Guess what?”
11) Scientific research proves that the best gift for Father’s Day is to buy Dad a bucket of golf balls. Then dump out the golf balls and fill the bucket with steak.
12) Aftershave is a very popular Father’s Day gift. Look for the kind with the little ship on the bottle that says “Cutty Sark.”
13) There are more collect calls on Father’s Day than any other day of the year. Usually from fathers who got too drunk at a strip club and need bail money.
14) Hallmark produces over 800 card designs for Father’s Day, none of which will bring your father the same joy as receiving a subscription to Playboy, since Hallmark Cards lack insightful articles.
15) Although some people say it’s hard to find the perfect Father’s Day gift, you’ll be safe if your gift either runs on electricity, burns, or explodes. Try not to combine these.
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Why are you still reading this? Go fetch the old man a beer, already.
Although most people know today is Flag Day (except for hippies, liberals, and other people who run no risk of ever facing an IRS audit), not everyone is fully up to speed on the wonderousness that is the American flag.
Good thing you’ve got me around to upgrade your sub-standard knowledge base:
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Much like being struck down by Darth Vader, if an American flag bites you, you shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
1) The American flag was invented in 1777 by Betsy Ross. At the time, the flag of the fledgling nation had only 13 stars because the rich wouldn’t pay their fair share to buy more.
2) America is the only country that’s ever changed its flag voluntarily, instead of being forced to change after being conquered by maple leaves like a bunch of cowardly weaklings [*looks north, spits*]
3) In 1795, flag designers intended to put extra stripes (alternating red and white) for each new state. The futility of this plan was pointed out in Benjamin Franklin’s satirical picture book, “Where’s Flagdo?”
4) Even after the South seceded from the Union, President Lincoln would not allow any star to be removed from the American flag, although he briefly considered replacing Confederate state stars with bright orange 1969 Dodge Chargers with “01” door decals.
5) The current 50-star version of the American flag has remained unchanged for 52 years now, the longest of any design. We will never have a 51st state, since 3 rows of 17 stars would just look dumb.
6) In a fight between an American flag and Aquaman, a DC Comics writer would get repeatedly punched in the face for coming up with yet another stupid, unpatriotic plot line.
7) The colors of the American flag each have their own meaning. Red is for Valor, white is for Purity, and blue is for Justice. Most true Americans, however, agree that there is an invisible fourth color called “Sfik,” which represents how much better America is than other countries.
8) When displaying an American flag, it should always be lighted. Acceptable light sources include sunlight, halogen bulbs, and rockets’ red glare.
9) When folded properly, the American flag is shaped like a triangle with only the stars showing. Folded improperly, the only stars you can see are the ones around your head after you get the beating you so righteously deserve for screwing it up.
10) When an honor-worthy American dies, the flag is lowered to half-staff out of respect. When President Obama dies, expect to see a week of nationwide double-staffing.
11) It’s generally considered unpatriotic to buy an American flag unless it’s actually made in America. However it really doesn’t matter where the flag was originally made, as long as it eventually flies over the bullet-riddled corpses of our enemies.
12) While the French flag has the same colors as the American flag, it is still deemed technically inferior, since they only ever actually use the white part.
13) The only time you should burn an American flag is when it can’t be fixed or if becomes dirty beyond cleaning. For example, when it has touched the ground or a hippie.
14) A common nickname for the American flag is “Old Glory.” Ditto Gloria Steinem.
15) Although most American flags are made from cotton, scientists agree that the best American flags are made from the bark of the Tree of Liberty, the roots of which must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants.
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And remember, if you see an American flag flying upside down, it means someone’s in distress. Or that they missed that Sesame Street episode about “top” and “bottom”.
Frank J. Fleming is a pseudonym. His real name? Phineas J. Whoopee.
What does the J stand for? Justice!
Despite being married for several years and producing two offspring, Frank has yet to see Sarah K. naked.
Many years ago, and to his great shame, he interned for Glenn Reynolds… as his personal Cuisinart operator!!!
His obsession with nuking the moon began the day he was inadvertently cut-off on the freeway by Buzz Aldrin.
He once punched a hippie in Reno, just to watch him cry.
After years of extensive psychiatric treatment, he no longer believes himself to be the reincarnation of blood-thirsty Chinese Communist dictator Mao Tse Tung… but his alternate personalities, Basil, Harvey, and seanmahair, have yet to be purged of this same belief.
His fear of monkeys dates back to recurring childhood nightmares of Curious George mistaking his nose for a banana.
Only it wasn’t his nose!!!
His quest to breed dinosaurs with rocket launchers has reached a crucial stage in which he has successfully mated a salamander with a squirt gun.
He never really wanted to be a blogger. His lifelong dream?
Forgot about Earth Day until Basil reminded me this morning, and I was caught ill-prepared. My apologies, and as consolation, please accept this repost from last year as a consolation prize.
Not content with ruining an hour of your life on March 23rd, the greenies are back at it again less than a month later with “Earth Day”, which is like some sort of hippie Christmas or something.
Yeah, leave it to the Watermelons to pick a day for celebration when it’s still too cold to hang out in the back yard wearing an apron and a wife beater (pants optional) while drinking beer and grilling steaks. There’s a reason the 4th of July falls on the 4th of July every year, people.
Since no one you know or like knows a damn thing about Earth Day, I’ll get you up to speed so that if you end up talking to a liberal today, you can dish some knowledge and then act like he’s a total moron for not already knowing these…
15 FUN FACTS ABOUT EARTH DAY
Properly dispose of your trash and children by feeding them to The Sod Monster.
1) Earth Day was invented by Gaylord Nelson, then a U.S. Senator from Wisconsin, on April 22nd 1970, in an valiant effort to make people spend their time caring about the environment instead of snickering at his first name.
2) Earth Day is celebrated every year on April 22nd, which, coincidentally, is Russian dictator V.I. Lenin’s birthday. Although Lenin was too busy being dead to directly participate in the first Earth Day celebration in 1970, visitors to his tomb that day swear they heard chuckling.
3) An early supporter of the Earth Day movement was “Population Bomb” author Paul Erlich, whose work presciently predicted the widespread famines and food riots that killed millions of Americans during the Reagan years.
4) One of the most popular Earth Day activities is to reduce usage of water – a rare and precious commodity which few living people have seen outside of pictures – of which barely 400 quadrillion gallons currently remain.
5) Most Earth Day functions you will attend put out “recycling bins” to collect plastic water bottles. This reduces waste and pollution by having the containers hauled away separate from the garbage bins by 20-ton diesel trucks that get 3 miles to the gallon.
6) On Earth Day 2005, over 1000 people stood on a Canadian ice floe to spell out the words “Arctic Warming,” which, unfortunately, local polar bears mis-read as “Free Crunchy Meat Snacks.”
7) The EPA offers a free newsletter with handy Earth Day tips such as “Keep appliances in good working order.” Which is completely useless advice as it doesn’t tell you whether to use a fork or a knife to fix your toaster.
8) Some folks enjoy writing “6 word essays” on Earth Day, like “Many nations. One planet. Our home.” Mostly people who portrayed Indians in westerns during the 1950’s.
9) In preparation for Earth Day, teachers are encouraged to help children learn about global warming by periodically poking them with an “alertness stick” during a screening of “An Inconvenient Truth”.
10) One of the biggest crises addressed during the first Earth Day celebrations was ozone depletion. We don’t give a crap about that any more.
11) Sadly, although Earth Day was founded on an ideal of environmental justice, American law schools still hand out very few degrees to spotted owls.
12) On Earth Day 2003, students in the UK set a world record by planting 4100 trees, which were later cut down by men who skip and jump, like to press wild flowers, put on women’s clothing, and hang around in bars.
13) One of the watchwords of Earth Day is “reuse.” If you see a hobo begging for change using an old Slurpee cup, give him a big ‘ol Earth Day hug of thanks.
14) On the first Earth Day in 1970, activists spilled oil on the sidewalk outside the U.S. Department of the Interior to protest against offshore drilling, completely destroying the crab-fishing industry in the DC metro area.
15) The EPA was founded shortly after, and because of, the first Earth Day in 1970. Since its inception, the EPA has saved enough electricity to power 2 million homes by enforcing laws that prevent power plants from creating that electricity.
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Final thought:
Every time someone makes a list of Earth Day activities, they’re really just telling you how you can make hippies cry by doing the opposite.
(Reposted from last year, but it’s ok, because you’re probably too plowed to remember that far back)
Celebrating once again – on its special day – the country that Americans only care about once a year because it’s a great excuse to get drunk.
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FUN FACTS ABOUT IRELAND
* Ireland is slightly larger than the state of West Virginia. However, in Ireland, impoverished mountain folk are known as “hillrileys”
* All Irish citizens are required by law to make a bizarre pilgrimmage to Dublin once a year, crawling on their bellies while balancing a full glass of Guinness on their head.
* The average life expectancy for men in Ireland is 75 years. At 76, the crystal in their hand starts flashing red. Carousel!
* 88% of the Irish are members of the Roman Catholic Church, making the Catholic population nearly as large as the Kennedys.
* Ireland’s #1 agricultural product is turnips, which the nation switched to after the country’s potato crop was devastated by a visiting Michael Moore on a french-fry binge.
* There are 36 airports in Ireland, all suitable for night-flight landings thanks to the plethora of neon “Jameson” bar signs lighting the runways.
* Catherine Kelly was the smallest Irish woman ever, only 34 inches tall. She died in 1785 in the electric chair after mudering 137 people while screaming “leprechaun jokes aren’t funny!”
* And before you ask, no, they never found her pot of gold, smartass.
* According to one rather obscure Irish legend, a ringing in your ears means a deceased friend stuck in Purgatory is ringing a bell to ask for you to pray for him. Or you’re an idiot who forgot to remove your bluetooth earpiece.
* Montgomery Street in Dublin was once the largest red light district in all of Europe, with over 1600 prostitutes plying their trade. Most of them insisted you should pronounce their name to rhyme with “book”.
* In the olden days, a pig was often allowed to live in the house with the family on an Irish farm. He was commonly referred to as “the gentleman who pays the rent.” Modern Irish immigrant families usually just called him “Teddy”.
* A single day of good weather that pops up in a long stretch of bad days is known in Ireland as a “pet day”, and is celebrated with binge-drinking, dancing, and raucous music. As are all other days containing weather.
* “Keening” is the Irish version of loud crying at wakes. It involves wailing and expressing endearments in Gaelic to the deceased. Although similar, it should not be confused with its more annoying cousin, “bagpiping.”
* Dublin was originally called “Dubh Linn,” which means “Black Pool”, although they had considered naming it “Marbh Linn” after the 5th and best Dirty Harry movie.
* Christmas celebrates the anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ. Since he was Jewish, he was circumcised 8 days later, which anniversary we now commemorate with the holiday OW!OW!OW!mas
* The beloved holiday icon Santa Claus originally wore a green outfit, which he changed to red after joining the Communist Party.
* Christmas specials which show Santa’s workshop at the North pole often include penguins. This is factually incorrect, since penguins are native to the SOUTH pole, where, coincidentally, Santa’s evil twin brother Satan Claus has HIS workshop.
* He mostly makes fruitcakes – the most concentrated form of evil known to man.
* Tree decorating originated with tree-worshiping Druids, whose modern descendants mostly just bitch about globalization and throw garbage cans through windows at Starbucks.
* If an elf bites you, you become one.
* Not everyone celebrates Christmas. Jews celebrate Hanukkah, which commemorates some magic oil that burned for 8 days. Oddly, this is not the same “OIIIIIILLLLL!” that the Iraq war was “all about”.
* The majority of terrorists don’t celebrate Christmas, either. Mostly because they’ve been killed by Americans.
* Rastafarians celebrate Christmas by smoking marijuana on Christmas Day.
* And every other day.
* Some families open their presents on Christmas Eve. Some families open their presents on Christmas morning. This or slavery was the cause of the Civil War.
* Santa’s sleigh is pulled by reindeer, which are just like regular deer, except somewhat larger and thus more likely to collapse the roof of your car after they bounce off your hood.
* Santa’s reindeer can also fly, probably because they’re Rastafarians.
* The French celebrate Christmas by decorating trees and surrendering to them.
* The tradition of kissing under the mistletoe originated to allow married men to make out with their mistresses at office parties, and survives today despite the invention of the broom closet.
* Bing Crosby starred in “White Christmas”. Bling Crosby starred in “Hot Black Studs in Action”. Try not to get those two confused if you’re searching for family-entertainment DVDs this holiday season.
* A “Christmas Club” is a savings account in which a person deposits a fixed amount of money regularly to be used at Christmas for shopping. It’s also a stick used to beat up Salvation Army bell-ringers so you can steal their kettles.
* The Friday after Thanksgiving is the second busiest shopping day of the year. The busiest is “Thank God Gas Stations Sell Roses Day”, AKA “Valentine’s Day”.
* Every December, Americans mail out a combined total of 9 billion Christmas cards in an effort to keep in touch with loved ones. Which pisses me off because it always delays the delivery of the December issue of “Hefty Hooters” magazine.
* Before settling on the name “Tiny Tim” for the character’s name in “A Christmas Carol”, Charles Dickens also considered such names as Feeble Frank, Crippled Carl, Defective Dan, Hobbling Harry, and Mutilated Marvin.
* Eggnog is a traditional holiday beverage made from eggs and named after the sound people make after having one too many of them.
* Christmas was once a moveable feast celebrated at many different times during the year. The choice of December 25 was made by Pope Julius I in the 4th century A.D. so that he could get the day off to go skiing.
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Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get the roof of my car replaced.
