IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: Montana

Posted by Harvey on 26 September 2020, 6:00 pm

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we’ll be finding out what it’s like to live 200 miles from your nearest neighbor as we visit Montana, so let’s get started…

Montana state flag — The state flag of Montana features the motto “oro y plata”, which is Spanish for “cream-filled chocolate sandwich cookies on a plate.”

Montana became the 41st state on November 8th, 1889. It was originally settled by a herd of moose who eventually lost the territory to white settlers in a poker game.
Seems that moose always twitch their antlers when they’re bluffing.
The first large-scale vigilante force was formed to police the lawless Montana Territory in 1884. More enthusiastic than legally savvy, they would frequently hang wandering cattle for rustling themselves.
Montana’s nickname is “The Nervous Sheep State.”
It was legal to drink while driving in Montana until October 1, 2005, when the Kennedy Prevention Act was finally passed.
The Bitterroot is the state flower of Montana. The root is so bitter that eating it is actually forbidden by law, lest the person eating it turn into a Democrat.
After years of Montana having no speed limit on its highways, it was finally set at 65 mph in 1999, effectively killing the state’s antelope drag-racing industry.
In Butte, Montana, it’s legal to shoot anyone who deliberately mispronounces the city’s name and giggles.
Montana is believed to have the largest grizzly bear population in the U.S., although the number may include some of the local women who were counted by mistake.
The state song of Montana is “What’s That Bear Doing In The Woods?”
Montana gets its name from the Spanish word for “moose chalupa.”
The state tree of Montana is the Ponderosa Pine, which has a much better salad bar than the Bonanza Pine.
The state bird of Montana is the Meadowlark, which terrorizes the skies above the state’s human residents much as their prehistoric pterodactyl ancestors did.
The Montana Yogo Sapphire is the only North American gem included in the Crown Jewels of England, except for the Texas Yee Haw Diamond.
In 1888, Helena, Montana, had more millionaires per capita than any other city in the world. In 1889, God sent a plague of elk to devour them all for their sinful ways.
The population density of Montana is 6 people per square mile. About the same as a Dixie Chicks concert.
The first bobsled track in North America was built at Lolo Pass, Montana in 1965 in the hopes that it would enable the American Olympic team to finally defeat those feisty Jamaicans.
Combination, Comet, Keystone, and Pony are some of the quaintly-named Montana ghost towns from which the Brady Bunch have successfully escaped.
Virginia City, Montana was founded in 1863 and has remained completely unchanged for the last 100 years, much like the Democratic Party.
The highest point in Montana is Granite Peak, which stands 12,799 feet tall, give or take a mountain goat.
The world’s largest glacier is in Montana’s Glacier National Park, where it has been carefully preserved inside the world’s largest glass of Scotch.
Glacier National Park also boasts the world’s most elaborate security system, which was specifically designed to keep Ted Kennedy out.
The mountains of Montana have yielded a treasure trove of prehistoric artifacts over the years, including dinosaur eggs, and a speech by Howard Dean from his sane period.
The Battle of Little Bighorn National Monument is located just south of Billings, Montana, and marks the spot where General Custer and his men were slaughtered by Plains Indians for not tipping their waitresses at the casino.
The “Going to the Sun Road” in Glacier Park, Montana, is considered one of the most scenic drives in America, second only to New Jersey’s “Toxic Waste Trail.”
In Montana, the elk, deer, and antelope populations outnumber the humans, but they are not allowed to vote because of Apartheid.
To this day, Nelson Mandelka remains a political prisoner in Billings.
The Roe River near Great Falls, Montana, is the world’s shortest river. At 58 feet, it’s 10 feet shorter than the drool-trail left typically left by Michael Moore while entering a McDonald’s.
Motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel was born in Butte, Montana. Despite his many legendary stunts, he never did manage to make it across Springfield Gorge on his skateboard.

That wraps up the Montana edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll likely be murdered by feral Corn-Children as we visit Nebraska.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to get a Moose Chalupa.

[The complete e-book version of “Fun Facts About the 50 States” is now available at Amazon.com. If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]

IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: South Dakota

Posted by Harvey on 19 September 2020, 6:00 pm

This week, we’ll be shocked to realize that no minorities actually live in the Black Hills and the name is just a scam to get Federal Affirmative Action Funding as we visit South Dakota. So let’s get started…

South Dakota state flag — Mount Rushmore is not depicted on the South Dakota flag for fear that a cartoon of the sacred mountain would spark riots among its zealous worshippers.

South Dakota became the 40th state on November 2, 1889. The word “South” in the name is somewhat deceptive, since the state actually contains no hillbillies, alligators, or temperatures above freezing.
The state bird of South Dakota is the ring-necked pheasant. When hunting these, try not to shoot a ring-nosed teenager by mistake.
South Dakota’s license plates have blue numbers on a white background and say “Bison: the other red meat” across the bottom.
The state motto of South Dakota is “When the Crazy Horse monument is finished, we’ll TELL you… Now STOP ASKING!”
South Dakota’s nickname is “The bored people with mountains and explosives state.”
Although there’s enough room for Bill Clinton on Mount Rushmore, he hasn’t been added for fear that no one would recognize him without a kneeling intern.
Good luck trying to find a mountain big enough to fit Monica’s hips on.
Lemmon, South Dakota is famous for its petrified forest. Undisturbed for 50 million years, it still contains many of its original petrified environmental activist protesters.
When it was built in 1832, the American Fur Company’s trading post in Fort Pierre, South Dakota, was the largest one in the US, and was best know for its marketing slogan “Fur: Because she’s not going to put out for denim.”
Belle Fourche, South Dakota, is the geographical center of the United States. It’s populated mostly by people who find Mexicans, Canadians, Californians, and New Yorkers equally repulsive.
Personally, I’m thinking about moving to Greenland, since I’m only disgusted by the French and people from New Jersey.
Clark, South Dakota, is home to the world famous annual Mashed Potato Wrestling contest. Rumor has it that the contest is rigged, since the mashed potato always wins.
South Dakota’s Custer State Park is home to a herd of 1,500 free-roaming bison, 1,448 of which must be cut from the roster by the time they play the Budweiser Clydesdales in this year’s Super Bowl commercial.
When completed, the Crazy Horse monument near Hill City, South Dakota, will be the world’s largest sculpture. The project will be completed without a single dollar of government money, which explains why Crazy Horse isn’t holding a urine-dipped crucifix.
South Dakota’s Badlands National Park contains the worlds richest fossil bed, which holds such ancient artifacts as Tyrannosaurus skeletons, Triceratops eggs, and Beatles 45s.
The Sage Creek Wilderness Area is where the highly endangered black-footed ferret is being re-introduced. For those not familiar with ferrets, they’re small mammals, more ratlike than weasels, but less weaselly than lawyers or the French.
South Dakota’s famous Black Hills aren’t actually black. They only appear that way from a distance because they’re covered by pine trees – an effect similar to what happens when Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t get her upper lip waxed for a couple days.
At 7,242 feet, South Dakota’s Harney Peak is the highest point in the U.S. east of the Rockies, and will likely be carved into a statue of Wilt Chamberlain at some point.
Sturgis, South Dakota, is home to the annual Black Hills Classic Motorcycle Rally. It’s easy to find – just look for the crowd of burly, leather-clad guys. Make sure it’s not the Black Hills Classic S & M Rally, though.
Unless you’re into that sort of thing. In which case… call me.
The Pioneer Auto Museum in Murdo, South Dakota, houses more than 250 rare automobiles, including the Tucker, the Edsel, and Powell Motors’ infamous Homer.
The Flaming Fountain on South Dakota State Capitol Lake is fed by an artesian well with natural gas content so high that it can be lit. The sight inspires both awe and the question, “how do you put out burning water?”
The Crystal Springs Ranch Rodeo Arena in Clear Lake, South Dakota was built on a drained duck pond. When the duck pond was initially drained, workers found a dead rabbit at the bottom with a sign around its neck that said “I TOLD you it was wabbit season.”
The Silent Guide Monument in Philip, South Dakota is a 14-foot pile of flat stones assembled by a shepherd to mark a waterhole that never goes dry. Ironically, the waterhole itself had been created years earlier by an architect as a way to mark an abundant source of flat stones.
The largest underground goldmine in the U.S. is the Homestake Mine in Lead, South Dakota. Ground was first broken on it by the six dwarves who were voted out of CBS’s “Survivor: Snow White’s Cottage.”
The USS South Dakota is recognized as the most decorated battleship during World War II. Although, the USS John Kerry actually won MORE medals, it threw them all over a fence, so it doesn’t really count.
The Yankton Daily Press & Dakotan, first published in 1861, is South Dakota’s oldest newspaper. It’s first headline was the now-famous criticism of the Civil War: “Lincoln lied! Weevils died!”
The Prairie Rattlesnake is the only venomous snake native to South Dakota. It’s generally a light brown color, with a yellow underside and four dark, presidential-head-shaped blotches on its back.
Hot Springs, South Dakota features the largest collection of Wooly Mammoth bones in the world. Wooly Mammoths were large, hairy beasts that killed their prey by sitting on it and crushing it into a pile of goo. Much as its modern-day cousin – the Michael Moore – hunts Twinkies today.

That wraps up the South Dakota edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be stocking up on souvenir Elvis shades as we visit Tennessee.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go call and see if Crazy Horse is finished yet.

IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: North Dakota

Posted by Harvey on 12 September 2020, 6:00 pm

This week, we’ll be picking Canadian coins out of our pocket change and tossing them into fountains to make 89% of our wishes come true as we visit North Dakota. So let’s get started…

North Dakota state flag — If you need a North Dakota flag in a hurry, in a pinch you can just use the right half of the back of a dollar bill.

North Dakota became the 39th state on November 2, 1889. It was originally settled by Canadians searching for somewhere to live that wasn’t cold and boring. The expedition was, of course, a miserable failure.
Westhope, North Dakota, is the state’s busiest point of entry into Canada. Over 72,000 people per year cross the border there – mostly Hollywood types making good on their promises to leave the country after Bush was elected.
Dakota Gasification Co. of Beulah, North Dakota is the nation’s only producer of “synthetic natural gas” – an oxymoron of a degree second only to “peaceful Muslim.”
Writing Rock State Historical Site near Grenora, North Dakota, features two granite boulders with carvings of the mythological Thunderbird. Which is either an example of early Indian religion or a declaration of their love for cheap, fortified wine.
North Dakota got its name from the Sioux Indian word “Da-ko-ta,” meaning “pasty white guys.”
The town of Rugby, North Dakota, is the geographical center of the North American continent, which – for those of you with public school educations – is the one that’s right above that ice-cream-cone-shaped continent.
In 1987, North Dakota passed a law making English the state’s official language, as a direct snub to those who only speak Canadian.
“Whut’s dat aboot, eh?” – I mean, who can understand THAT goofy monkey-jabber?
In 1989, North Dakota attempted to drop the word “North” from the state’s name, seeking to become known simply as “Dakota”. The bill was defeated after their neighbor to the south threatened to change its name to “Smart Dakota.”
Max Taubert of Casselton, North Dakota built a 50-foot-tall pyramid out of empty oil cans. Experts are still debating whether Taubert was an artistic genius or just a lazy slob who couldn’t remember that trash day was Tuesday.
Devil’s Lake – the largest natural body of water in North Dakota – got its name from a mistranslation of the Sioux Indian word “Miniwaukan,” which actually means “Satan’s Urinal.”
The Dakota Dinosaur Museum in Dickinson, North Dakota, contains dozens of complete dinosaur skeletons and celebrates the North Dakota state recreational pastime of watching things slowly turn to stone.
Harvey, North Dakota… no relation.
The largest state-owned sheep research center in the U.S. is located in Hettinger, North Dakota, and specializes in trying to discover what it is about sheep that makes ordinary men suddenly unable to quit each other.
The original grave of Sioux Indian leader Sitting Bull can be found in Fort Yates, North Dakota. His last words before being killed in 1890 were “Me think-um white man not have guts to pull trigger.”
Jamestown, North Dakota is home to the world’s largest buffalo statue. It’s 26 feet tall, weighs 60 tons and features a small plaque at its base that says “Yes, we KNOW it’s actually a ‘bison’. We don’t care. Shut up.”
North Dakota grows more sunflowers than any other state, which is why they were going to name their NFL expansion team the “Sunflowers.” It’s also why the last NFL expansion franchise was granted to Houston, instead.
The historic Opera House in Ellendale, North Dakota was shut down after 90 years of successful operation in 1999 when it made the regrettable decision to put on performances of the controversial musical, “The Pedophiles of Penzance.”
A “flickertail” is a small ground squirrel native to North Dakota which gets its name from its characteristic manner of flicking its tail just before entering its burrow. Sorta like the way a Democrat flinches upon hearing good news out of Iraq.
North Dakota’s biggest tourist attraction is the annual Killdeer Mountain Roundup Rodeo, which is the one time of year when residents can chase, tackle, and tie up animals for pleasure without running afoul of the state’s bestiality laws.
Before becoming President, Teddy Roosevelt came to the Dakota territory in 1883 to hunt bison. He left in 1898 to fight in the Spanish-American War because he thought it would be more fun to hunt Spaniards.
Known as “The Small, Friendly German Town on the Dakota Prairie,” New Leipzig, North Dakota, hosts an annual Oktoberfest celebration during which it invades and conquers the neighboring city of New Paris.
Every year, New Rockford, North Dakota hosts the Central North Dakota Steam Threshers Reunion, which features a variety of antique farm machinery, some of which is so old that it’s actually been used to harvest non-government subsidized crops.
Fort Berthold Community College near New Town, North Dakota, was the first tribally chartered college in North Dakota and offers courses in casino operations and victim-card playing.
Rutland, North Dakota created the World’s Largest Hamburger. Over nine thousand people came to sample the nearly two-ton burger, and all of them went home hungry, since Michael Moore was first in line.
Turtle Lake, North Dakota hosts the annual United States Turtle Racing Championship. The losers of the race compete again later in the day during the United States Turtle Soup Cook-off.
Bismark, North Dakota features a statue of Lewis & Clark’s Indian guide Sacagawea. She’s depicted gazing westward toward the country she helped open, while the baby strapped to her back is shown giving the finger eastward to the country that forced his mom to live on a reservation.
The Lewis & Clark expedition encountered hungry grizzly bears in North Dakota, which is also where they lost their first Indian guide, Snackagawea.
North Dakota’s highest point, White Butte, features numerous small piles of rocks. Known as shepherd’s monuments, they were piled there by sheepherders as a way to pass the time. Sorta like a primitive version of Microsoft Solitaire.
The International Peace Garden straddles the international boundary between North Dakota and the Canadian province of Manitoba. Like the peace movement itself, it’s filled entirely with pansies.
The Fort Union Trading Post in North Dakota was the principal fur-trading site in the region from 1829 to 1867. It was one of the few places in the country where no one would raise an eyebrow upon hearing the phrase “I’m going into town to see if I can trade my beaver for a bottle of whiskey.”

That wraps up the North Dakota edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be shopping for discount Drew Carey glasses as we visit Ohio.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go head into town to see what I can get for this bottle of whiskey.

IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: Colorado

Posted by Harvey on 5 September 2020, 6:00 pm

This week, it’s time to shakes the snakes out of your hiking boots as we traipse the Rocky Mountains of Colorado, so let’s get started…

Colorado state flag — Colorado’s flag consists of a field of horizontal blue and white stripes, with a red letter C in the middle. The inside of the C is colored yellow as a warning to tourists that not all snow is edible.

Colorado is a large state in the West-central US that has spent the last century battling Wyoming for the coveted title of “Most Rectangular State”.
Although people from Colorado have no distinctive accent, they can still be easily recognized by the fact that, when they say “Coors”, they don’t grimace.
The state of Colorado has an average elevation of 7000 feet above sea level, which, technically, makes its citizens space aliens.
The most common cause of death in Colorado is being struck by low-flying satellites.
Due to its high altitude, water in Colorado boils at a much lower temperature than at sea level, which is why joggers there frequently evaporate into clouds of steam.
Despite the impression given by a certain animated TV show, South Park, Colorado is NOT actually a real city. If you don’t believe me, you can [CENSORED] my [CENSORED] you [CENSORED].
Skiing in Aspen, Colorado is both a popular tourist attraction and an effective way to kill a Kennedy without wasting a perfectly good bullet.
Colorado hopes to use the sport of Whitewater Rafting to take out a Baldwin sometime in the next year or so.
The state motto of Colorado is “Wanna buy a slightly used life-jacket for cheap?”
The cheeseburger was invented in Denver in 1935, which is why Michael Moore bows down in the direction of the city five times a day.
Annoyed by the millions of misdirected Valentines that arrive at their post office every year, the citizens of Loveland, Colorado will soon be holding a referendum to change the city’s name. Options include Bitterdivorceland, PMSington, and Hillaryville.
Denver is home to the world’s largest rodeo. While it’s in progress, the city has nearly as many men dressed in leather chaps as San Francisco.
This does NOT make them gay, although they ARE flattered, and possibly a little curious.
There are over 200 parks in the city of Denver, which are filled with hiking trails, petting zoos, and angry tourists whose flights out of the city were canceled due to sudden snowstorms.
Zebulon Pike, of Pike’s Peak fame, was never actually on top of the object which bears his name, but he DID bring it to the nation’s attention by mentioning it frequently. Not unlike Kim Kardashian constantly reminding us that she’s really, really famous for… something.
Colorado is the most dangerous state through which to fly and airplane, due to the risk of being hit by cattle that accidentally fall off moutainsides while grazing.
The city of Dove Creek, Colorado is the “Pinto Bean Capital of the World”. Coincidentally, the nearby city of Cortez is the “Air Freshener Capital of the World”.
Mesa Verde, Colorado is home to an abandoned Indian city made up of buildings carved directly into the cliffs. No one knows exactly what happened to the residents, although they may have been eaten by the Donner Party.
Colorado became the 38th state on August 1st, 1876, a fact celebrated by no one at the time, since everybody was still too hung over from celebrating America’s Centennial.
Famous horror movie actor Lon Chaney was born in Colorado Springs. He moved to Hollywood in 1902 after a mob of angry villagers chased him out of the state.
The state insect of Colorado is the tick, which is highly prized by locals because telling a girl that you want to check her for ticks is a great excuse for getting her clothes off.
The Square Dance was named Colorado’s state dance in 1992, narrowly beating out the Achy-Breaky and the Dougie.
Colorado’s state dinosaur is the stegosaurus, which has been extinct since 1997, when the last one died from being hit by a Kennedy while skiing in Aspen.

That wraps up the Colorado edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be getting punched in the face by the natives for pronouncing the second “c” in Connecticut.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go bow down towards Denver… mmmm… cheeseburgers…

IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: Nebraska

Posted by Harvey on 29 August 2020, 6:00 pm

This week, it’s time to take a corn-tastic trip to Nebraska, so let’s get started…

Nebraska state flag — Nebraska’s state flag celebrates the state’s first law: “no blacksmithing within a mile of a residential structure.”

Nebraska became the 37th state on March 1st, 1867. It would’ve become a state during the Civil War, but it was fat and wore glasses, so neither side wanted it on their team.
The state flower of Nebraska is goldenrod, which should not be confused with any similarly-sounding James Bond or Austin Powers movies.
The powdered soft drink Kool-Aid was invented in Hastings, Nebraska, and was originally sold by traveling salesmen who would kick down people’s doors and shout, “OH YEAH!!!”
The tradition of planting trees on Arbor Day started in Nebraska City, Nebraska as a cheap way of marking the numerous graves of Kool-Aid salesmen.
The state motto of Nebraska is “Corn, college football, and… um… more corn.”
40% of the munitions used in WWII had to be manufactured at the Naval Ammunition Depot in Hastings, Nebraska, since the rest of the state was rooting for Hitler.
The world’s largest indoor rainforest is the Lied Jungle in Omaha, Nebraska, but it’s currently closed to tourists because Daryl Hannah keeps climbing the trees and flinging poo at people.
Nebraska’s Ogala aquifer is the world’s largest underground water supply. It’s estimated to contain about 800 million gallons of water – about the same as Natalie Maines.
Nebraska is the only state in the U.S. with a unicameral (one house) legislature, which is currently evenly divided between the Feed Corn and Sweet Corn Parties.
Nebraska was the first state to complete its segment of the nation’s Interstate Highway system, due to its citizens near-insatiable hunger for something to do besides watch the corn grow, i.e. watching concrete solidify.
Nebraska’s phenomenal corn production is due to a combination of modern irrigation techniques and good old-fashioned human sacrifice.
The 9-1-1 emergency phone system was first developed in Lincoln, Nebraska as a replacement for their old emergency communications system of having hobbits light signal fires to call the Riders of Rohan.
Nebraska’s famous landmark “Chimney Rock” was recently sold to the Pfizer corporation and is now known as “Viagra Point.”
Omaha, Nebraska is home to the world’s largest coffee pot. While there, remember to tip the world’s largest waitress.
Kearny, Nebraska is located exactly halfway between Boston and San Francisco. This does NOT make it homophobic. Don’t be so sensitive.
Marlon Brando’s mother gave Henry Fonda acting lessons at the Omaha Community Playhouse. Unfortunately, she neglected to give him lessons on raising kids not to be commie-loving traitors.
The world’s largest Woolly Mammoth specimen was found in Lincoln County, Nebraska. If its skin were stretched to its full size, it would cover enough area to make a thong for Michael Moore.
The Mutual of Omaha Insurance Company’s corporate office has 7 full floors of underground offices, in one of which the Architect awaits Neo.
The Nebraska Cornhuskers college football team made a NCAA record 35 consecutive bowl appearances. 36, if you count the “Still Looking For A Corporate Sponsor – [Your Name Here] Bowl.”
The world’s first college course about Rush Limbaugh is taught at Nebraska’s Bellvue University. Topics include “Barking Moonbats – When To Hang Up” and “Things Not To Take On A Plane.”
Nebraska gets its name from the Oto Indian word “nee-ba-sah”, meaning “Are you SURE we’re not still in Iowa?”
The world’s largest porch swing is located in Hebron, Nebraska. It can seat 25 adults, or Michael Moore in a Woolly Mammoth thong.
The Fur Trading Museum is located near Blair, Nebraska. Just take Highway 75 north from Omaha, then follow the wet pelt smell.
The University of Nebraska – Lincoln campus boasts America’s largest weight room. It covers 3/4 of an acre and is currently celebrating its second full day of being steroid-free.
Oops… Nevermind…
Nebraska’s 1986 Governor’s race was the first in the nation to feature two women running against each other. Sadly, the final vote tally was not close enough to trigger the Jello-wrestling tie-breaker.
Buffalo Bill held his first rodeo in North Platte, Nebraska, which – contrary to popular rumor – was NOT catered by Hannibal Lecter.
Father Edward Flanagan founded Boys Town in Omaha, Nebraska, in 1917. To this day, it remains one of the few places in America not infected with girl-cooties.
Dancer Fred Astaire was born in Omaha, Nebraska, although he had to leave the city after Ginger Rogers gave him cooties.
Gerald Ford was born in Omaha, Nebraska, and was the only US President to hold the office without having been elected to it – blatherings by Gore and Kerry to the contrary notwithstanding.

That wraps up the Nebraska edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week it’s all about the drinkin’, gamblin’, and whorin’, because we’re off to Nevada.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go watch some concrete solidify… WOO-HOO!!!

IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: Nevada

Posted by Harvey on 22 August 2020, 6:00 pm

This week, we’ll be making a brief stop at a drive-thru Elvis wedding chapel as we cruise through Nevada. So let’s get started…

Nevada state flag — Nevada’s flag commemorates the war the state fought with California to win the right for its citizens to put stars instead of angels on top of their Christmas trees.

Nevada became the 36th state on October 31st, 1864, and immediately joined the Civil War on the side of the West – which favored slavery, but opposed letting little girls from Kansas kill witches for their shoes.
The state bird of Nevada is the Mountain Bluebird. Despite their small size, they are amazingly strong and frequently seen working as casino bouncers.
The winner of the Nevada Governor’s race is determined by a contest to see who can drink the most martinis without groping a waitress.
Which may explain why Schwarzenegger ran in California.
The first slot machine was invented in Reno, Nevada in 1899 by Charles Fey, who got the idea after spending an hour feeding coins into a broken Coke machine.
“Bertha, the Performing Elephant” entertained for 37 years at the Nugget Casino in Sparks, Nevada, which at the time billed itself as “Home of the World’s Largest Stripper Pole.”
Pershing County, Nevada has the only round courthouse in the U.S. This allows criminals to be strapped to the giant, floor-mounted, “Wheel O’ Justice.”
Nevada formally legalized gambling in the state in 1931 as part of a broad strategy aimed at stopping the flood of illegal Amish immigrants sneaking across their borders.
The state motto of Nevada is “WOO-HOO! Legal Hookers!”
Native to Death Valley, Nevada, the Kangaroo Rat can go its entire life without ever drinking. They are nicknamed “Kennedy Rats” for the same reason fat guys are nicknamed “Slim.”
Wyatt Earp started his career as a lawman as Sheriff of Tonopah, Nevada. He was most famous for his OK Corral gunfight against Kirk, Spock, Scotty, & McCoy.
The Icthyosaur was chosen as Nevada’s state fossil in 2004, narrowly defeating the second-place choice of Don Rickles.
The bells in Austin, Nevada’s St. Augustine church tower are rung by pulling a rope located in the men’s restrooms. Which is slightly less bizarre than the condom dispensers in the confessionals.
Nevada takes its name from a Spanish word meaning “Which one’s Siegfried?”
Nevada’s climate encompasses both burning deserts and frozen mountain tops, which is why Nevada’s license plates say “Nevada – it’s like living in fried ice cream!”
Shrouded in mystery just outside of Rachel, Nevada, is the government installation known as “Area 51.” What happens there is so Top Secret that not even the New York Times knows what’s going on.
Either that, or leaking it won’t aid any terrorists, so they just don’t care.
Elko, Nevada hosts the annual Cowboy Poetry Gathering. First prize is a trip for two to Brokeback Mountain with the second-place winner.
Eccentric millionaire Howard Hughes bought numerous casinos in Nevada before his death in 1976. Although these purchases were considered highly speculative at the time, they were still more sensible than investing in caves and black tights like that lunatic, Bruce Wayne.
Nevada’s gold mines produced over 7 million ounces of gold last year. If it were all hammered into fine gold leaf, it would be enough to completely cover a room the size of Donald Trump’s ego.
Nevada has some 50,000 miles of paved roads. None of which can get an acting job after appearing in “Lethal Weapon 4.”
Located 30 miles southeast of Las Vegas, Nevada, the Hoover Dam contains 3.25 billion cubic yards of concrete, and a couple of guys from Jersey who talked too much.
Nevada’s State Highway 50 features a stretch of nearly 300 miles with no rest stops. While driving it, motorists are cautioned to ignore any signs offering “Free Bird Seed!” and to beware of falling coyotes.
Las Vegas, Nevada is home to an entire museum devoted to the life & times of Liberace. Who was NOT gay, despite the impression given by his noticeable lisp, sequined fur-coats, and numerous sexual encounters with other men.
Camels were used as pack animals in Nevada until 1870, when they were finally freed from slavery by a smooth character named Joe.
Las Vegas, Nevada has more hotel rooms than any other city in the world, each containing a copy of the “Gideon’s Bible – Texas Hold-’em Version.”
The longest Morse Code telegram ever sent was the Nevada state constitution, sent from Carson City, Nevada, to Washington, D.C. in 1864. Inexplicably, it contained over 200 instances of the mysterious phrase, “Come onnnnnn, SEVEN!”
Andre Agassi was originally an Elvis impersonator in his home town of Las Vegas, Nevada, but moved on to professional tennis after realizing that he’d never be able to duplicate the King’s fearsome backhand.
Construction worker hard hats were invented specifically for Hoover Dam workers in 1933, replacing the outdated protective measure of strapping an illegal Amish immigrant to your head.

That wraps up the Nevada edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be making that always-difficult choice between living free or dying as we take a look at New Hampshire.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go “ring St. Augustine’s bells”… if ya know what I mean…

IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: West Virginia

Posted by Harvey on 15 August 2020, 6:00 pm

This week, we’ll be unable to tell if that black stuff on our eggs is pepper, coal dust, or roach droppings as we visit West Virginia. So let’s get started…

West Virginia state flag — The state flag of West Virginia consists of a blue-edged white background, overlaid by an image of two men debating whether Fahrenheit 9/11 or An Inconvenient Truth was a bigger load of crap.

West Virginia became the 35th state on June 20, 1863. Originally part of the state of Virginia, the people in the western part of the state broke away in protest of the despicable institution of mandatory public education and the deplorable conditions of literacy that resulted therefrom.
The state flower of West Virginia is the Rhododendron. State legislators were chastised for picking a flower that most people in the state couldn’t spell, but lawmakers ignored the complaints, since people had said the same thing when the dog was chosen as the state mammal.
West Virginia license plates are white with blue lettering, and contain the tourism slogan, “Now With A Paved Road!”
In a recent survey, 95% of West Virginians report having checked out a book from their local public library within the last year. During the same time period, 95% of West Virginians also reported having found a way to fix that wobbly kitchen table with the short leg.
The state song of West Virginia is “YAY! No More 3.2 Beer!”
The celebration of Mother’s Day was first observed in Grafton, West Virginia, in 1908, mostly as a way to get women to stop whining about not being able to vote.
With a median age of 40, West Virginia has the oldest population of any state in the US. Upon turning 40, it’s traditional for a West Virginian to cope with his mid-life crisis by buying a shiny red convertible to put up on blocks in his front yard.
West Virginia’s nickname is “The Robert C. Byrd Memorial State” State.
Jackson’s Mill, West Virginia, was the site of the first 4-H Camp in the US, where rural youngsters learned valuable agricultural skills such as how to milk cows, shear sheep, and hide stills from ATF agents.
The world’s largest sycamore tree was located in Webster Springs, West Virginia. However, it was recently cut down and sold to David Letterman, who was reportedly thrilled at finally having a toothpick big enough to fit his tooth gap.
In 1960, Danny Heater of Burnsville, West Virginia, set a world’s record by scoring 135 points during a high school basketball game. Even more amazing was that he accomplished this feat while being the youngest player on the team at age 24.
Some critics complain that the record shouldn’t count, since he violated West Virginia rules by wearing shoes.
The first state sales tax in the U.S. was instituted in West Virginia in 1921. It was hailed as a vast improvement over West Virginia’s old revenue-raising technique – random muggings of Yankee tourists.
The first federal prison exclusively for women was opened in Alderson, West Virginia, in 1926. For those not familiar with women’s prisons, they’re sort of like sorority houses, except with more sobriety, and fewer gratuitously-sadistic, lesbian-overtoned initiation rituals.
The New River Gorge Bridge in Fayetteville is the highest steel-span bridge in the US, rising 876 feet above the river below. Every October, the locals celebrate “Bridge Day,” when over 100,000 celebrants gather to watch or participate in bungee jumping and parachuting from the structure. On Bridge Day, the bridge itself is closed to both automobile traffic and scissors.
The state motto of West Virginia is “Montani semper liberi,” which is Latin for “Sister, daughter, wife… whatever.”
At 69 feet high and 900 feet in circumference, the nation’s largest and oldest Indian burial ground is located in Moundsville, West Virginia. The mound’s many unquiet spirits are frequently seen on TV shows such as “America’s Most Haunted.”
Nearly 75% of West Virginia is covered by forests, providing the state’s many fine restaurants with beautiful views and fresh road kill.
In 1824, John Gallaher published the first women’s magazine, “Ladies Garland” which featured the now-infamous centerfold of Andrew Jackson showing off “Old Hickory.”
The variety of apple known as Golden Delicious originated in Wellsburg in 1775. It was greeted with overwhelming enthusiasm by a population who’d spent years being stuck with eating the Ocher Atrocious.
Outdoor advertising got its start in Wheeling, West Virginia, when the Block Brothers Tobacco Company started painting barns with the slogan “Treat Yourself to the Best with Mail Pouch Brand Gumming Tobacco.”
15% of America’s coal comes from West Virginia. The state’s coal producers expect that number to rise to 20% once they get their Balrog infestation problem under control.
In 1997, West Virginia had the lowest crime rate in the U.S. Coincidentally, this was the year after bribing Senator Byrd was legalized.
The world’s largest shipment of matches – 210 million of them – was shipped from Wheeling, West Virginia, to Memphis, Tennessee in 1933. They were used as part of FDR’s American Arsonist Army (AAA) program, whose job was to burn down trees so that the Civilian Conservation Corps (CCC) could have jobs planting new ones.
Which may explain why – before the word “retarded” was coined in 1940 – extremely stupid people were referred to as “F-D-R-ded.”
“Coal House” in White Sulphur Springs, West Virginia, is the only residence in the world which is made entirely of coal. Tourists are strongly advised to bring their own toilet paper.
In 1841, William Tompkins of Cedar Grove, West Virginia used natural gas to evaporate salt brine – the first known industrial use of the natural gas. Prior to this, the highly explosive gas was mostly used by organized crime figures to fill brightly colored balloons for “kids who saw too much and needed to have an ‘accident.'”
In May, 1860, the first oil well in West Virginia was drilled at Burning Springs. In June, 1860, the former governor of Texas invaded West Virginia and stole it.
In 1885, stone quarried at Hinton, West Virginia was sent to Washington D.C. to become part of the Washington Monument. Although the monument builders thanked West Virginia profusely at the time, they actually thought the stone was horrid. They immediately hid it in the attic of the monument and now only bring it out when they know a West Virginian is coming to visit.
The last public hanging in West Virginia took place in Ripley in 1897. After that, folks learned to keep their uppity book-learnin’ to themselves.

That wraps up the West Virginia edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be nibbling ourselves into a cheese-coma as we visit Wisconsin.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go lay in some supplies for my visit to Coal House.

IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: Kansas

Posted by Harvey on 1 August 2020, 6:00 pm

This week, it’s time to follow the yellow brick road out to Kansas, so let’s get started…

In 1952, this design replaced the old Kansas state flag, which consisted of a blue background behind a wicked witch and four flying monkeys.

Kansas became the 34th state on January 29th, 1861 because America needed to meet its Affirmative Action quota for stolen Indian land.
Kansas was originally populated by people from Iowa who just couldn’t handle that state’s hectic, fast-paced lifestyle anymore.
The state bird of Kansas is the meadowlark, whose beautiful song failed to impress Simon during an American Idol audition.
The state flower of Kansas is the sunflower, the seeds of which are highly poisonous and can only be cured with high doses of steroids.
At least according to the Major League Baseball Player’s Union.
Kansas lies along the eastern edge of Colorado, but sometimes sneaks across the border in the dead of night to steal the occasional mountain.
Kansas normally maintains a constant temperature of 72 degrees all year long, but sometimes impish tornadoes mess with the thermostat when no one’s looking.
At just over 4,000 feet, Mt. Sunflower is the highest point in Kansas.
And yeah, they stole it from Colorado. Dirty, thieving Kansasians!
Members of the Kansas Board of Education voted to outlaw the teaching of evolution in Kansas schools to avoid offending monkeys who were outraged at the suggestion that they evolved from hippies.
The state song of Kansas is “We’re Not Too Crazy About Newton’s Theory of Gravity, Either.”
The state motto of Kansas is “Flat, boring, and full of wheaty goodness. We’re like America’s snack cracker!”
The word Kansas comes from a Sioux Indian word meaning “Probably not a good place to build a ski resort.”
Cawker City, Kansas is home to the world’s largest ball of twine. It contains over 300 miles of string and 73 slow kittens.
Kansas has a population of 2.6 million people, but surprisingly, NONE of them have ever seen “The Wizard of Oz,” and they’ll just stare at you blankly if you refer to someone’s dog as Toto.
The state tree of Kansas is the cottonwood tree, which is used to make very splintery T-shirts.
The first female Mayor in the U.S. was Susan Salter, elected in Argonia, Kansas in 1887. However, she was soon driven out of office due to a scandalous affair with her intern, Marvin Lewinsky.
No relation to Monica, although he WAS rumored to occasionally wear a blue dress.
The dial telephone was invented by Almon Stowger of El Dorado, Kansas and was a vast improvement over earlier models which required the user to make different animal noises for each digit.
The 34th President of the U.S. – Dwight Eisenhower – was born in Abilene, Kansas. His portrait was removed from the dollar coin in 1979, but still remains on most Chuck E. Cheese game tokens.
In exchange for the relatively low income tax rate, citizens of Kansas are required to spend one week each year working in one of the state’s wheat mines.
Kansas has the lowest suicide rate of any state in the US, mostly because there’s nothing high enough to jump off of.
The state sport of Kansas is WheatBall, which is even less exciting than it sounds.
The state constitution of Kansas guarantees its citizens the right to keep and bear tornadoes.
Mostly as a defense against any flying monkeys that might their way over the rainbow from Oz.
Kansas has the largest population of wild grouse in the U.S. These birds are also known as “prairie chickens” or “meadow Frenchmen.”
There are over 500 caves in Kansas. The fact that Bruce Wayne owns all of them does NOT prove that he’s Batman.
Last year, Kansas grew 500 million bushels of wheat, which, if it were all made into bread, would be enough to feed Michael Moore lunch.

Well, that wraps up the Kansas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I’ll be out shopping for moonshine in Kentucky.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go play a game of WheatBall… yay.

IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: Oregon

Posted by Harvey on 4 July 2020, 6:00 pm

This is a reposting of one of Harvey’s classics. There’s a link to the book in the sidebar. — The Editors

This week, we’ll be desperately pleading with grandpa not to change his will before his physician-assisted suicide appointment because we’re headed to Oregon. So let’s get started…

Oregon became the 33rd state on February 14th, 1859. Historians speculate that this date was chosen by then-president James Buchanan so that Mrs. Buchanan wouldn’t notice that he neglected to get her a Valentine’s Day present. Bloodstains on the family rolling pin provide evidence that his plan failed.
The capital of Oregon is Salem, which has nothing to do with witch-burning, despite claims to the contrary by members of the Oregon chapter of Recovered Newts Anonymous.
The state flower of Oregon is the Oregon grape, whose fruit is said to rival that of the greatest French vineyards, even though Oregonian wine lacks the cowardly and annoying bouquet of its French competitors.
Oregon license plates come in a variety of colorful designs, but all contain the phrase “Where Old Hippies Come To Die.”
Oregon is nicknamed “The Beaver State.” For you city-folk, a beaver is a smelly, hairy, bucktoothed animal with a wide, flat tail. Sorta like a feminist, except less prone to rabid frothing.
Oregon has more ghost towns than any other state. However, please note that moving to one of them will NOT increase your chances of scoring with Patrick Swayze.
Which could be either a bug or a feature, depending on which way you swing.
Oregon’s Columbia River Gorge is considered by many to offer the world’s best windsurfing. Of course, those “many” are mostly people who think it’s funny to watch windsurfers crash into rocks.
Oregon’s Crater Lake is the deepest lake in America. The bottom reaches all the way to Hell, and will become the source of the eternally leaky roof used to torture Bob Vila after he dies.
Like New Jersey, Oregon has no self-serve gas stations. The idea is to provide jobs for folks who aren’t quite bright enough to master the phrase “fries with that?” and other people who vote Democrat.
The Coast Douglas Fir – at 329 feet – was the tallest tree in the state until it was cut down to make “Save the Spotted Owl” flyers for the Sierra Club.
Oregon’s state nut is the Hazelnut. Oregon is the only state with an official state nut, since Michigan’s Michael Moore is technically classified as a “lunatic.”
The town of Boring, Oregon, was named for its founder, W.H. Boring, and NOT because the town’s only TV station shows nothing but reruns of “Everybody Loves Raymond.”
The world’s largest sea-cave is located near Florence, Oregon, and is populated mostly by round-bellied sharks and shredded wetsuits.
Oregon’s Heceta Head Lighthouse is the most photographed lighthouse in the nation, due in large part to its scenic quaintness. At least according to its 36-24-36 nudist lighthouse keeper.
Eugene, Oregon is rated the best cycling community in the US by “Cycling Magazine.” It’s also the nation’s top consumer of “Lance Armstrong Brand Undetectable Injectable Testosterone.”
There are nine lighthouses still standing along the Oregon coastline. Five are still in use, the other four were sold as advertising space for Viagra.
The Columbia Gorge Interpretive Center contains the world’s largest collection of rosaries, although not quite enough to keep Ted Kennedy from going to Hell, where he’ll share a house with Bob Vila.
The Seaside Aquarium was the first to successfully breed harbor seals in captivity. They credit their success to cheap wine and Barry White CDs.
Salem’s capitol building is topped by a statue titled “Oregon Pioneer,” which features a drunken French-Canadian fur-trader in the midst of hollering “Where do you guys keep the beaver around here?”
The International Museum of Carousel Art in Hood River, Oregon contains the world’s largest collection of carousel horses and is known to the locals as the “Wooden Glue Factory.”
Every house in Bickelton, Oregon has a bluebird house built onto it. It’s as though Hitchcock filmed “The Birds” in Stepford.
The origins of Oregon’s name are shrouded in mystery, although the most popular theory is that it was derived from an incident during the Lewis & Clark expedition where they lost a canoe paddle on the Columbia river.
Which would also explain Oregon’s other nickname – “the bad pun state.”
Eugene, Oregon was the first city in the US to have one-way streets, effectively halving the number of times motorists get harassed by the same squeegee guy.
The state motto of Oregon is “Alis Volat Propriis” – Latin for “Canada’s THAT way, ya draft-dodging hippie.”
Oregon’s state fish is the Chinook Salmon, which is on the verge of extinction, since it’s not cute & fluffy enough for environmentalists to give a crap about.
Portland, Oregon, is home to the International Rose Test Garden, where researchers recently developed a Super Rose, beautiful enough to buy forgiveness for a 3 a.m. stumbling-drunk return from a strip club.
Tillamook is the site of Oregon’s largest cheese factory and, coincidentally, Oregon’s largest mouse-trap factory.
At 8,000 feet deep, Hell’s Canyon is the deepest river gorge in North America. A scale model of it can be seen by observing the trickle of sweat continuously running along the bottom of one of Michael Moore’s belly-folds.

That wraps up the Oregon edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be suckered into paying $100 for a “genuine” piece of Ben Franklin’s kite as we visit Pennsylvania.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go out and buy me a Super Rose.

IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: Minnesota

Posted by Harvey on 27 June 2020, 6:00 pm

This is a reposting of one of Harvey’s classics. There’s a link to the book in the sidebar. — The Editors

This week, it’s time to grab your big blue ox and start lumberjacking your way through Bunyan country because we’re going to Minnesota, so let’s get started…

Minnesota state flag — The state flag of Minnesota consists of a blue background upon which sits a design best described as “how a 7-year-old city girl would draw a picture titled ‘Life on the Farm.'”

Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11th, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin’s winters.
Minnesota gets it’s name from the Sioux Indian word “Mah-nee-soo-tah,” meaning “No, really, they eat fish soaked in lye.”
The state song of Minnesota is “Someday the Vikings Will… Aw, Never Mind.”
The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.
Madison, Minnesota is known as “The Lutefisk Capital of the World.” Avoid this city at all costs.
“The Mary Tyler Moore Show” was set in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was Mary’s first real acting job since leaving the “Dick Van Dyke Show.” The show – about a single woman’s struggle to find happiness in the big city – was originally titled “Life Without Dick,” but that was changed for some reason.
The state motto of Minnesota is, “Where even a man who wears a feather boa can grow up to be Governor.”
Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that an Eloi occasionally turns up missing.
Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.
The Hormel company of Austin, Minnesota produces 6 million cans of spam a year, even though no one actually eats that crap.
The first water skis were invented in Lake City, Minnesota by Ralph Samuelson in 1922. Sadly, he drowned shortly afterwards, as the motorboat hadn’t been invented yet.
St. Paul, Minnesota was originally named “Pig’s Eye,” after French Canadian whiskey trader Pierre “Pig’s Eye” Parrant. Its “twin city,” Minneapolis, was known as “Pig’s Colon.”
The stapler was invented in Swingline, Minnesota by a chubby, mumbling man named Milton in 1999. The city was mysteriously destroyed by fire later that year.
Pelican Rapids is home to a 16-foot-tall concrete pelican, which subsists on a diet of 4-foot-long concrete fish.
In 1973, Olivia, Minnesota erected a 25-foot tall fiberglass corn cob to celebrate its rich, agricultural heritage. In 1974, it was eaten by a 50-foot statue of Babe the Blue Ox.
Yeah, Minnesota has a LOT of problems with statue cannibalism.
Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase “Blizzards on Independence Day – You Get Used To It.”
Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota. His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor nougat – chocolate, spam, and lutefisk.
The first fully automatic pop-up toaster was invented in Minneapolis, Minnesota in 1926, Minnesota’s stringent bread-control laws currently only allow residents to own semi-automatic toasters.
Tonka Trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents.
No airbags, no seatbelts… these things are DEATHTRAPS, I tell ya!
Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was born in Walnut Creek, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the “Little House” series of books, as well as inventing the “Spam Diet” – which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite.
Much like the “Lutefisk Diet.”
The snowmobile was invented in Roseau, Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending Independence Day picnics.
Contrary to popular myth, you can NOT buy a 1-ounce can of Coke in Minnesota.
Singer Judy Garland was born in Grand Rapids, Minnesota. All gay men are required by their religion to make a pilgrimage there at least once in their lifetimes.
Hookers in Minnesota are easy to spot. They’re the ones wearing crotchless parkas.
Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in ’84.

…That wraps up the Minnesota edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I’ll be wearing my “s” & “i” keys down to nubs as I type about Mississippi.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go take a closer look at that chick’s parka.

IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: California

Posted by Harvey on 20 June 2020, 6:00 pm

This is a reposting of one of Harvey’s classics. There’s a link to the book in the sidebar. — The Editors

This week, it’s time to go surfin’ with your plastic surgeon, because we’re headed to the shores of sunny California, so let’s get started…

If you rearrange the letters on the California state flag, you can find out what the bear just ate: A Four Liberal Picnic.

California is a large state on the western coast of the U.S. which is inhabited by people who snuck into the state and live off the hard-earned money of the working class, or, as the locals refer to them, actors.
The main export of California is fine wine, which is quite similar to French wine, except that it’s less cowardly and annoying.
California was originally part of Mexico, and many of its cities still have Mexican names, like Los Angeles, which means “City of Beating up Rodney King.”
California requires that all cars sold in the state run on a special environmentally friendly fuel composed of 50% gasoline and 50% tofu.
California used to be covered by thick forests of giant redwood trees, but these have all been cut down to make nightsticks for beating black motorists.
The state motto of California is “Eureka!,” a Greek word meaning “Dude!”
More turkeys are raised in California than in any other state, and most of them get released from Hollywood during the summer.
The Hollywood Bowl is the world’s largest outdoor amphitheater. Just to clarify a common misconception, no special shoes are required. You’re thinking of the Hollywood Bowl-o-Rama.
Californians can be easily identified by their deep golden tans and fake green cards.
California experiences 500,000 detectable seismic tremors every year. Coincidentally, that’s the same number of steps taken annually by Michael Moore during his trips to the refrigerator.
The average earthquake in California only lasts about 10 seconds. Coincidentally, that’s the same amount of time between the beginning of a typical Michael Moore movie and the time someone yells, “THIS SUCKS!”
The state animal of California is the Grizzly Bear, which, sadly, has been hunted to near extinction by roving hordes of the undead who feast on their tender brains.
MMMM… braaaaaaainsssss…
California was the first state to legalize the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. Research is currently underway to investigate any possible healing powers possessed by hookers.
Many cities in California have outlawed the possession of handguns – however mace, pepper spray, and light sabers are still perfectly legal for self-defense.
You do, however, need a special permit to use force lightning.
San Francisco has a large, free-spirited population of homosexuals, most of whom are safely confined to a gulag on Castro Street.
Clint Eastwood retired from acting to become the Mayor of Carmel, California, where he spent most of his time chasing Hmong off his lawn with a shotgun.
Many people hope that former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will run for President someday, but unfortunately the Constitution specifically forbids the election of people who are unable to pronounce the word “Calee-forn-ee-uh”.
Lucky for us there was no such restriction for “nu-cu-lar”.
California is impervious to terrorist attacks because the noxious fumes from the hippies quickly render terrorists unconscious.
Even though it’s only a single state, California has the 7th largest economy in the world, 90% of which comes from the sale of breast implants.
Arnold Schwarzenegger won California’s special recall election in 2003 by running on the slogan of “I will crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentation of the girly men!”
California produces 17 million gallons of wine each year, which is enough to get the average American drunk 34 million times… assuming the average American is the kind of frou-frou sissy-pants who actually drinks wine, that is.
Fallbrook, California is known the Avocado Capital of the World, a fact about which nobody outside the city gives a damn.
California became the 31st state on September 9th 1850 after winning its independence from Mexico by defeating them in a brutal game of tiddlywinks.
California is famous for its many elite golf courses, including Palm Springs, Pebble Beach, and No Blacks or Women.
In 1906, the city of San Francisco was razed to the ground by fires and earthquakes. Fortunately the local homosexual population was able to Queer Eye it back together in a matter of days.
The first person to receive a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame was Joanne Woodward in 1960. The last person was SpongeBob Squarepants.
Pauley Shore is still waiting.
Ronald Reagan was elected to two terms as Governor of California in exchange for his promise not to make a sequel to “Bedtime for Bonzo.”

That wraps up the California edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be breaking our teeth on mountains, sadly discovering that “Rocky” is NOT short for “Rock Candy” when we visit Colorado.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go watch a Michael Moore Movie… THIS SUCKS!

IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: Wisconsin

Posted by Harvey on 13 June 2020, 6:00 pm

This is a reposting of one of Harvey’s classics. There’s a link to the book in the sidebar. — The Editors

This week, we’ll be indulging in the official state pastime of plotting to invade Michigan and annex the Upper Peninsula as the 73rd county when we visit my home state of Wisconsin. So let’s get started…

Wisconsin state flag — The state flag of Wisconsin is comprised of a dark blue background with a central design that was most likely created by someone with a Colorforms play set and too much time on his hands.

Wisconsin became the 30th state on May 29th, 1848… and seriously, why the HELL is the Upper Peninsula considered part of Michigan? Just look at a map! It doesn’t even TOUCH the rest of the stupid state! This is BULLS***!
The state flower of Wisconsin is the “Road Construction Ahead” sign.
Wisconsin’s nickname is the “Will you please shut up about Brett Favre already?” state.
According to the other 49 states, anyway.
The first typewriter was invented in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, in 1868 by C.L. Sholes. The first sentence ever typed on it was “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”. The second was “GAH! Carpal Tunnel!”
Although Wisconsin sports revolves around the Packers, the state DOES have a professional baseball team – the Milwaukee Brew… somethings – who, since joining the National League in 1998, have already set the record for keeping the Cubs out of the basement.
Wisconsin has over 15,000 miles of snowmobile trails. Most of them run adjacent to the state’s highways, and are clearly delineated by reflective sidemarkers and piles of discarded beer cans.
Noah’s Ark in Wisconsin Dells is America’s largest waterpark, and is also Wisconsin’s only non-alcoholic fluid-related attraction.
Wisconsin gets its name from the Oneida Indian phrase “Oui-con-sun,” meaning “nothing but polka music on the radio.”
Milwaukee, Wisconsin, is home to Harley-Davidson Motorcycles. Despite the violent, anti-social reputation of Harley riders, most of them take the time to give back to their communities by helping to keep Wisconsin’s snowmobile trails clearly marked.
The nation’s first Kindergarten was started in 1856 in Watertown, Wisconsin. Its purpose was to ensure that children had all the vital skills they needed for attending the first grade, like reciting the alphabet and taunting misfits.
Wisconsin is America’s top milk producing state. Although vegetarians consider milking cows to be a form of animal abuse, they should just shut the hell up before I break their brittle, calcium-deficient little arms!
Architect Frank Lloyd Wright was born in Richland Center, Wisconsin, in 1867 and was the father of the “cinderblocks and pizza boxes” style of architecture.
The state motto of Wisconsin is “Home of Schlitz, Blatz, Pabst, and other beers that sound like vomiting noises.”
The Barbie doll was named for Barbara Handler of Willows, Wisconsin. And yes, like the doll, she really DOES have painted-on eyebrows and plastic boobs.
The state song of Wisconsin is “The Bears Still Suck”, which Illinois has also considering adopting since the 2007 Super Bowl fiasco.
The Ringling Brothers Circus started in Baraboo, Wisconsin in 1884. Although now world-famous, they had their humble beginnings in a traveling freak show consisting of a single woman with painted-on eyebrows and plastic boobs.
It was in Two Rivers, Wisconsin, in 1881 that the ice cream sundae was invented. Prior to this, hot fudge had only been used as a topping in adventuresome marital bedchambers.
The Republican Party was born in 1854 in Ripon, Wisconsin. It was started as an attempt to replace the Whig party, which self-destructed after candidate Millard Fillmore completely discredited himself by making a bizarre screaming sound at the end of a campaign speech in 1852.
Green Bay is Wisconsin’s oldest city, which was founded in 682 BC by Roman Coliseum Master Vincini Lombardo. Today, a cult of his loyal followers preserve the legend of his promise to return again in his city’s hour of greatest need — in the dark days after Brett Favre’s retirement.
Yeah, yeah, I know… shut up about Brett Favre, already.
Mount Horeb, Wisconsin, is home to the Mustard Museum. It contains all 2300 varieties of mustard known to man, except for Mean Mr., which can be downloaded from iTunes.
Infamous cannibalistic serial killers Ed Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer both hailed from Wisconsin. Which was probably just a coincidence, even though it’s true that nothing complements the taste of human flesh like good ol’ Wisconsin cheese.
The town of Oconomowoc, Wisconsin, was established in 1874 in an effort to allow people from Wisconsin the opportunity to win back the bar bets they lost against people from New Mexico who challenged them to spell Albuquerque.
The Wisconsin license plate features a white background with black lettering and the tourism slogan, “Cannibal-free Since 1994!”
In Wisconsin, the term “bubbler” is used to refer to a public drinking fountain. Although if you’re on the UW-Madison campus, it might also be used to refer to a hippie who’s rabidly frothing about global warming.
No one in Wisconsin pronounces the letter “g” at the end of a word (I’m tellin’ the truth about that part). The state legislature passed a drastic law in an attempt to correct this bit of grammatical retardation, which is why everyone in the state has as least one shirt with a big letter “G” on it.
Monroe, Wisconsin is the Swiss Cheese Capital of the World, much to the embarrassment of those chocolate-chomping, Nazi-neutral, clock-makers across the pond.
Wisconsin contains almost 8,000 streams and rivers, 99% of which are clean enough to drink from directly if you don’t mind the taste of deer urine.
Which is also true for cans filled with Wisconsin beer.
Boscobel, Wisconsin is the birthplace Gideon Bible Society, who, since 1889, have made it their mission to place a Bible in every hotel room in the world so that patrons would no longer have to lay awake at night wondering which commandment they just broke.

That wraps up the Wisconsin edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be repeatedly reminded that Brokeback Mountain was about gay sheep ranchers and NOT gay cowboys as we visit Wyoming.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to look something up in my Gideon Bible…

IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: Iowa

Posted by Harvey on 6 June 2020, 6:00 pm

This is a reposting of one of Harvey’s classics. There’s a link to the book in the sidebar. — The Editors

This week, it’s time to fire up the ol’ combine, because we’re headed out to Iowa, so let’s get started…

Iowa state flag — The state flag of Iowa is rumored to be the inspiration for the “ribbon” portion of the Olympic rhythmic gymnastics event.

Iowa became the 29th state on December 28th, 1846, after Congress finally persuaded the state to change its name from “Corntopia.”
The state bird of Iowa is the goldfinch, which should not be confused with any criminal masterminds who tried to kill James Bond.
Iowa contains exactly 99 counties. The legendary “lost 100th county” is currently being sought by a ragtag band of spaceships fleeing from the evil Cylon Empire.
Geographically, Iowa is one of the flattest states in the US, but it IS considering getting implants so that South Dakota will FINALLY pay attention to it.
Iowa was nicknamed the “Hawkeye State” after the popular deep-fried delicacy served in most of the state’s taverns.
The 31st president of the US – Herbert Hoover – was born in West Branch, Iowa. The Hoover Dam was named in his honor, since its construction was made possible by his invention of the concrete beaver.
The state song of Iowa is “Corn! Corn! Corn!”, which consists entirely of people singing the word “corn” for 5 minutes, and was the inspiration for Monty Python’s “Spam” sketch.
The state tree of Iowa is the oak tree, because … well, they had to choose SOMETHING, and since corn doesn’t grow on trees, they figured acorns were close enough.
Burlington, Iowa is home to Snake Alley, the crookedest street in America, which rates an impressive 9.5 on the Kofi Annan crookedness scale.
Strawberry Point, Iowa is home to the world’s largest strawberry. It’s 10 feet tall, weighs 500 pounds, and subsists on a diet of migrant farm workers.
The world’s smallest city park is in Hiteman, Iowa, and consists of a single blade of grass growing through a crack in the sidewalk.
And yes, keeping it mowed IS a union job. How did you guess?
Iowa has more people of Norwegian extraction than it does black people, which is why pickled herring is sold at basketball games.
Or WOULD be, if Iowa had enough black people to put together an NBA team.
You know that team that the Harlem Globetrotters always beat in exhibition games? They’re all from Iowa.
Crystal Lake, Iowa has a statue of the world’s largest bullhead fish, which was finally caught in 1982 by a hockey-mask-wearing serial killer.
Kalona, Iowa is the largest Amish settlement west of the Mississippi. It was founded in 1858 by ultraconservative Amish who were sick of those Pennsylvania harlots shamelessly flaunting their naked wrists.
Cedar Rapids, Iowa is home to the world’s largest breakfast cereal company – Quaker Oats – which also makes other funny-hat-wearing, religion-related cereals, like Islam Puffs, Jew Chex, and Pope-ee-o’s.
In Scrabble, Iowa is worth 7 points, which, coincidentally, is the same number of points awarded for running down a pedestrian while playing Grand Theft Auto: Des Moines.
Dubuque, Iowa is frequently the site of violent turf wars between rival gangs of Hicks and Bumpkins.
Johnny Carson was born in Corning, Iowa in 1925. Had he been born 50 years later, his homely face and mediocre comedic talent would’ve prevented any career in the entertainment industry, except for maybe IMAO Podcaster.
Native Iowans are easily identifiable by their unique ability to actually locate Iowa on a map.
Iowa has a population of nearly 3 million people, all of whom will punch you right in the freakin’ nose if you tell one more stupid corn joke.
The state vegetable of Iowa is corn, which [punching sound effect] OW! MY FREAKIN’ NOSE!

Well, that wraps up the Iowa edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I’ll be stealing some ruby slippers & riding a cyclone to Kansas.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go put some ice on my freakin’ nose… ow…

IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: Texas

Posted by Harvey on 30 May 2020, 6:00 pm

This is a reposting of one of Harvey’s classics. There’s a link to the book in the sidebar. — The Editors

This week, we’ll be wondering whether the locals are just kidding when they offer us a bowl of jalapeño ice cream as we visit Texas. So let’s get started…

Texas Flag — The Texas flag consists of 3 colored sections – red, white, and blue – with the blue section featuring an image of Chuck Norris kicking a bad guy’s ass. Can’t see Chuck Norris? No one ever does… until it’s too late.

Texas became the 28th state on December 29th, 1845 after the US won it from Mexico in – ironically – a game of Texas Hold ’em.
Although the Texas justice system is sometimes criticized for having “too many” executions, the truth is that most Texas prisoners prefer death to the alternative sentence of “life without the possibility of an oversized belt buckle.”
Texas license plates have dark blue numbers on a white background and contain the tourism slogan “All the oil, without all the burkhas.”
The state flower of Texas is the Bluebonnet. It WAS the yellow rose until the RIAA sued the state for copyright infringement.
Texas gets its name from a Caddo Indian word meaning “short swim to a welfare check.”
Texas has a population of nearly 21 million people, all of whom are ashamed to be from the same state as the Dixie Chicks.
President Dwight Eisenhower was born in Denison, Texas. He was the last elected American President who didn’t need to check his pockets for a comb before a press conference.
The state tree of Texas is the gallows.
The Alamo in San Antonio, Texas, is the place where a grossly outnumbered contingent of Texans fought to the death against an overwhelming force of Mexican troops in 1836. Much as modern-day beer kegs currently wage their valiant yet inevitably hopeless struggle against frat boy sobriety.
If a Texan brags to you about how much bigger his state is than yours, tell him your friend from Alaska was just saying the same thing about him, and laugh when he starts crying like a little girl.
The state mammal of Texas is the armadillo. For those not familiar with it, an armadillo is a peculiar-looking animal with the head of a rat, the body armor of a turtle, and the spineless flexibility of Obama’s immigration policy.
President Lyndon Johnson was born in Johnson City, Texas. He was the last president to be popularly known by his three initials, “LBJ”. Which should not be confused with President Clinton’s nickname among Hispanic voters, “el BJ.”
Alvin, Texas, set the record for rainfall in the US when it received 43 inches in 24 hours in 1979. It also holds the record for the world’s largest wooden boat at 300 by 50 by 30 cubits.
Texas’ nickname is “the big freakin’ hat state.”
More wool comes from the state of Texas than any other state. The quality of the wool is far superior to that from New Jersey, which is 90% Italian back hair.
Texas was actually an independent nation from 1836 until 1845, when it got divorced, lost its job and moved into America’s basement, where it remains to this day.
Lazy bum.
An oak tree near Fulton, Texas, is estimated to be over 1500 years old. Every year on June 1st, the locals celebrate the tree’s birthday by getting drunk and firing pistols into the air. The drunken shooting on the other 364 days of the year is just for fun.
Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in Texas. All the rest have implants.
On December 20, 1835, the first flag of Texas independence was raised. It featured a white background behind an image of Speedy Gonzales’s head on a pike and a capital “T” branded on his forehead.
The Hertzberg Circus Museum in San Antonio, Texas, has the largest collection of circus memorabilia in the world. It includes such rare sideshow freak attractions as a three-headed calf and a modest, soft-spoken Texan wearing sneakers and a fedora.
The state motto of Texas is “That chili’s not hot, you’re just a wuss”.
Texas is home to both Dell and Compaq computers. The fact that they’ve outsourced all their tech support overseas gives new meaning to the phrase “Cowboys and Indians.”
The famous soft drink Dr Pepper was invented in Waco, Texas, in 1885. It should not be confused with any best-selling Beatles albums or that crappy rip-off, Mr Pibb.
The first suspension bridge in the US was the Waco Bridge, built across the Brazos river in 1870. Before then, all bridges were supported by concrete pilings reinforced with the broken bodies of Chinese railroad workers.
The Texas capitol building in Austin opened on May 16, 1888, and is actually 7 feet higher the US Capitol building in Washington, DC. Personally, I think it’s nice that men from Texas at least have ONE size-related thing they can brag about.
The first word spoken from the moon was “Houston”. The second and third words were “Astros” and “suck.”
Texas possesses three of the top 10 most populous cities in the US – Houston, Dallas, and San Antonio. It also claims two of the top 10 most monkey-eared presidential candidates – George W. Bush and Ross Perot.
The cattle population of Texas is estimated to be 16 million.
17 million if you count Cadillacs with steer horns mounted on the hood.
The world’s first rodeo was held in Pecos, Texas, in 1883 when a dozen cowboys came up with a plan for a way to publicly tie up and wrestle cattle while dressed in leather chaps without running afoul of the state’s oppressive bestiality laws.

That wraps up the Texas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be finding it ironic that a state that’s filled with Mormons is, itself, a four-letter word as we visit Utah.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go help put down a beer keg uprising.

IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: Florida

Posted by Harvey on 23 May 2020, 6:00 pm

This is a reposting of one of Harvey’s classics. There’s a link to the book in the sidebar. — The Editors

This week, we’ll be thinking to ourselves that there’s GOT to be a better way to earn tuition money just before passing out from heat stroke while wearing an unventilated Disney character costume as we visit sunny Florida, so let’s get started…

Florida state flag — Florida’s flag was originally just a red X on a white background, until Alabama told them to either put a ton of crap in the middle or face a copyright lawsuit.

Florida became the 27th state on March 3rd, 1845, an event which most of the state’s residents recall fondly from their childhoods.
Or WOULD, if it weren’t for the Alzheimer’s.
The knee is Florida’s official state arthritic joint.
The largest private employer in Florida is Disney World. The second largest is the company that makes “this ride closed for repairs” signs.
After the Presidential election disaster in 2000, Florida passed a law making it illegal to vote without first removing your souvenir Mickey Mouse gloves.
The most common cause of death in Florida is being run over by old women who mistakenly voted for Pat Buchanan.
The second most common is getting run over by ’57 Chevys that wash up on Miami Beach from Cuba.
The state bird of Florida is the Pink Flamingo, a feisty animal which is actually capable of killing a fully grown alligator, thanks to Florida’s concealed carry law.
Although most Floridians don’t speak with a strong southern accent, they DO tend to pronounce the word “hurricane” as “Oh, SH**!”
Janet Reno was born in Miami, Florida, and only returned to the state because her magic mirror told her that Elian Gonzales was fairer than she.
Twice yearly, Florida is victimized by uncontrollable destructive forces which lay waste to the state. These times are known as “hurricane season” and “spring break.”
The state reptile of Florida is the alligator, which subsists on a diet of fish, birds, and Japanese tourists.
The state song of Florida is “Grandpa, Don’t Wear That Speedo to the Beach.”
If a hurricane strikes while you’re in Florida, just hand over your wallet and no one will get hurt.
Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon discovered Florida in 1513 while searching for the legendary Fountain of Orange Juice.
Despite the fact that the temperature never gets below freezing, Florida has a professional ice hockey team, which… nah, no one’s gonna believe that one.
People from Florida are easy to spot on the road. They’re the ones driving around with sheets of plywood nailed over their car windows.
If you move to Florida, buy a house with a colorful roof so that you can easily find it after it gets blown down the street by a hurricane.
When visiting Sea World in Orlando, be sure to stop by the restaurant for the “slow learner sandwich” special.
Native Floridians never wear sunglasses because they have a special, inner third eyelid to keep out the sun’s harmful rays.
Florida’s Disney World is technically in a state of war with California’s Disneyland, and the two theme parks exchange nuclear strikes several times a year.
The University of Florida’s football team is named the Gators in honor of the millions of alligators milked each year to make Gatorade.
Neil Smith of Montverde, Florida, invented the riding lawn mower in 1933, adding to the list of useful things that Floridians watch get blown down the street by a hurricane.
The state tree of Florida is the Palm Tree – so named because that’s the part of your body that will be scraped raw if you try to climb it.
While in Florida, NEVER try to climb any sort of nut tree.
The Everglades in Florida is 2100 square miles of smelly, oozing, mosquito-infested muck. Most Florida natives still refer to it by its original name the “The Cesspool National Park.”
Passing the test for a driver’s license in Florida requires that you be able to make a right turn from the left lane across 3 lanes of traffic. Or so I assume from what I saw last time I was there.
Despite rumors to the contrary, “Florida oysters” is NOT a euphemism for boiled alligator testicles.
However, eating Florida oysters WILL cause you to grow a special, inner third eyelid.
The state flower of Florida is the Orange Blossom, which is a small, white flower with an insatiable hunger for human flesh.
The refrigerator was invented in Florida in 1921. This represented a great technological leap forward, as now Floridians had a place to store their melted ice cream when the power went out.

That wraps up the Florida edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be sneaking north across the border into America’s peachiest state, Georgia.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go milk me some fresh Gatorade.

IMAO

Unfair. Unbalanced. Unmedicated.

Archive of posts filed under the IMAO Time Machine category.

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