Archive of posts filed under the Lists category.

IMAO Time Machine: Dude! Where’s My Crime?

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Here’s one Harvey posted in 2009. — The Editors

Since Obama got elected, we’ve been reading this story every month or so, with slight variations:

Smith & Wesson is expecting sales to rise by 30 per cent to $102 million in the first quarter of the next financial year, after growing by more than 13 per cent this year to $335 million.

At Sturm and Ruger, sales for the third quarter hit $71.2 million, up 70 per cent from the same period last year. At Glock, the leader in law enforcement markets, pistol sales rose by 71 per cent in the first quarter of the financial year for 2010, in comparison with the same period last year.

Now the FBI says there’s been a drop in the crime rate, and ABC News thinks it’s because of…

Cops with computers:

Professor James Alan Fox, a criminologist at Northeastern University, said police have been more targeted in recent years on repeat offenders and high-crime areas, often using computers.

Yeah, sure, it’s all about the SCMODS.

Since they’re not going to connect the dots, I’ll just toss off some half-assed suggestions as to why crime may have dipped. And, stupid as they are, they’re STILL better guesses than what the torpid teleprompter-readers at ABC threw out there:

Is America safe for kittens again?

Is America safe for kittens again?

  • Criminals imagine that by doing nothing, they could win a Nobel Peace Prize, just like Obama.
  • Can’t get to the liquor store to rob it because the streets are packed with two feet of Gore Effect Global Warming.
  • Shortage of criminals due to a vast swath of them “going legit” as Obama’s Czars.
  • Obama must’ve passed a bill designed to increase crime.
  • ACORN lost its funding.
  • Crime now uncool since iPhone doesn’t have an app for that.
  • Death of Michael Jackson to blame for decrease in number of Smooth Criminals.
  • Combination of the popularity of the Snuggie, and the fact that it has no pocket for your gun.
  • Illegal activity is no longer counted as a “crime”, it’s counted as “creating or saving a cop’s job”.
  • It’s not going down! It’s going up! We have the hockey-stick graph to prove it! Global Criming is REAL!

So tell me… why do YOU think crime is down?

Speaking of Harvey, if you can spare a little…

 

IMAO Time Machine: Obama Fortune Cookies

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Harvey posted this in 2009. — The Editors

[conceptual hat tip: Dylan]
I know Obama prefers burgers, but I’m guessing that he ate a lot of Chinese food on his recent trip.

I also assume that Chinese Chinese food comes with a fortune cookie, just like American Chinese food.

Which leads to the obvious speculative query: what fortunes did Obama get in his fortune cookies?

I speculate thusly:

  • You do good job! Take a bow!
  • If you have bad news to break, leave town and let Holder guy do it.
  • You look better wearing Mao jacket. Everyone look better wearing Mao jacket. Whole world wear Mao jacket soon!
  • You will try something new – a terrorist in New York City.
  • China cold like Chicago. Bring heavy coat.
  • Save lives. Make Biden walk.
  • Prosperity is coming. Just tax it until it go away.
  • Why you let wife go out in public dressed like that?
  • Today you meet friend from long ago. Tomorrow you throw him under bus.
  • Seriously, where birth certificate?

If you’ve gone through Obama’s trash recently and found any of his old fortune cookie fortunes, feel free to share in the comments.

1

IMAO Time Machine: President Lies-With-a-Fist?

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Lactose the Intolerant posted this back in 2013. — The Editors

So Elizabeth Warren is planning on giving Hillary a challenge in her bid for President. White guilt compels me to support her.  Now is the time for us palefaces to return executive power in this land to the Native Americans, like Elizabeth “Lies-With-a-Fist” Warren.  Besides, she is so inept, watching her run would be so much fun.  My inside sources are telling me these are some of the concepts/strategies she is planning on using against Hillary in the primaries:

  • What? Benghazi on my watch?  My people brought you Custer’s Last Stand
  • Values matter.  The men of my people only smoked cigars and posed with them for wooden carvings
  • Look at our environmental records.  I am the only true anti-litter candidate (tear streams silently down cheek)
  • I am the only candidate who can move to DC and root for the Redskins with a clean conscience
  • Hillary had been working with Iran for 4 years with no results. I’ve already developed a positive, working relationship with Iran. In exchange for letting them pursue nuclear technology, they have already given me all these blankets and shiny beads
  • I am the only candidate committed to the idea that if you like your Shaman you can keep your Shaman
  • I will commission the new Trail of Tears Monumental highway system which will connect and give easy access to all the Indian Casinos
  • The only part of Hillary that belongs in the Oval Office is her scalp on my wall
  • I’ll just arrange to air drop peace pipes over the Middle East. Problem solved
  • Once Obamacare has dealt with the overpopulation problem, I can lead our people that remain back to living in harmony off the land
  • It takes a village to run a county
  • To maintain continuity, I will select Joe “Dances-Like-a-Special-Ed-Kid-With-a-Sparkler” Biden as my VP
  • A mustang in every garage and peyote in every pot

IMAO Time Machine: Everybody Ought to Date a Clown

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Lactose the Intolerant penned this in 2013. — The Editors

Watching all those clowns in Washington really got me thinking.  I wonder what it would be like to date a clown?  Turns out there is a website for that, so I tried it out.  And it also turns out that there are some pros and cons to clown dating, such as these:

  • When you go on a quintuple date, you only need one car
  • You don’t need to pay extra for her to wear the greasepaint and orange wigs anymore
  • It’s easy to judge your performance based upon the rapidity of the horn honking.  No wait, they can fake that too.  Nevermind
  • You need to be sure to make love with the lights out because otherwise anything that resembles a balloon will be painfully twisted into a puppy.  On a related note, you must be sure to hide all your condoms
  • She’s overjoyed when you gift her with a ring pop and a plastic necklace from those 25c plastic egg machines
  • When the traffic cop discovers the trussed teenage boys in the trunk, you’re not the primary suspect this time
  • It can be a little disconcerting when you discover that her implants are really squeak toys
  • And it can be more disconcerting to discover that the carpet matches the drapes right down to the little bowler hat
  • They’re a cheap date.  Even with a tie, most high end places won’t seat them
  • When you want to spice things up by bringing in a midget, there are 3 or 4 she already knows and trusts
  • The tears of a clown are actually really awesome.  They make you really high.  And acquiring them is guilt-free. Clowns don’t really have feelings
  • The only rings she really cares about are the three under the big tent

10 Fun Facts About Labor Day

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What do professional barbecue chefs do on Labor Day?

1) The first Labor Day parade was held in New York City in 1882. It was a colorful string of vehicles moving slowly down the street between sidewalks packed with people. Similar parades are now held daily in New York City at 5pm.

2) Some historians say Union leader Peter J. McGuire, co-founder of the American Federation of Labor, was the first person to propose a holiday celebrating workers. Other say it was steel magnate Andrew Carnegie, although his proposal was “Labor That Actually Shows up to Work on Time Day”

3) Some people originally wanted Labor Day to be celebrated on the socialist “May Day” International Workers’ Day holiday on May 1st. President Grover Cleveland decided against that, since most Americans already celebrated it as “Commie Punching Day”.

4) In 1887, Oregon became the first state to celebrate Labor Day as a legal holiday. Oregon is also home to Nike headquarters, which may explain why everyone kneels during their Labor Day parade.

5) Canadian Prime Minister John Thompson signed “Labour Day” into law in 1894, the same year Grover Cleveland declared it a national holiday in the United States. The US later invaded Canada in a brutal war to liberate the superfluous u from the the word. The conflict continues to this day, with America recently threatening nuclear weapons in response to a Canadian threat to require border-crossers to show “passpourts”.

6) In 1909, the American Federation of Labor declared the Sunday before Labor Day “Labor Sunday” – an opportunity to reflect on the spiritual and educational parts of the labor movement. It never caught on because it turned out to just be a scheme to raid the church’s art supply closet to make free “ON STRIKE!” signs.

7) Most fashion moguls say you can safely ignore that age-old myth that you shouldn’t wear white after Labor Day. But if Edna Mode tries to knife you in a dark alley on Labor Tuesday, you’re on your own.

8) A study by the American Automobile Association (AAA) shows that over 35 million Americans travel over Labor Day weekend. From my experience, all of them in front of me on that stretch of interstate where they close down two of the three lanes even though nobody’s out there working.

9) Labor Day is considered the “unofficial NFL season kickoff”, since 99.44% of the time, the NFL plays its first official season game the Thursday after. In Cleveland, 99.44% of the time, it’s known as “just wait ’til next year” day.

10) The National Hot Dog and Sausage Council says that between Memorial Day and Labor Day, 7 billion hot dogs will be eaten. None of them by someone who actually knows what’s in them.

[sources: Mental Floss, HydroWorx, Constitution Daily]

—–

< After Learning About the Gender Pay Gap, Woman No Longer Feels Guilty About All the Office Supplies She Stole Before She Learned About the Gender Pay Gap

AOC Offers Advice to New Legislators

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DO – Maintain a calm, controlled, professional demeanor whenever cameras are present. Protect your image and reputation!

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – In an attempt to encourage “ordinary people” who want to try running for Congress in 2020, Democrat freshman Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez released a video on Instagram offering her “best advice” to those who are considering a career in politics, based on her experience. The video contained several pairs of “Do’s and Don’ts” to help the inexperienced navigate the troubled waters of a DC career:

*****

DON’T – let Republicans get away with any racist microaggressions.
DO – adopt an accent that’s more familiar to the audience your speaking with. For example, if you’re a southerner visiting New York, try honking out a little Bronx. Or, you know, vice versa

DON’T – be influenced by big corporate interests who try to buy your vote.
DO – Be loyal to your friends who fight for principled causes. Remind them of that loyalty when the ol’ war chest starts getting low. Technically, it’s not selling out if you like the people you’re selling out to.

DON’T – abandon your roots. Remember your story. Remember where you came from. Be proud of your poverty-mired struggle.
DO – look your best for any photoshoot. If your outfit wasn’t at least 4 figures, you’re not dressing to impress. You’re not in the ghetto anymore.

DON’T – let Big Oil crush this country under its carbony heel. Fight for renewables, wind, solar, mass transportation, and an end to plastic everything. Free the planet from energy oppression!
DO – get to those big campaign events on time – people hate being kept waiting! Call Uber & Lyft if you need a ride. Trust me. I lived, like, one minute from a subway stop, but you have to wait and wait and wait for those trains, and then you have to wait for every stop and start. Trust me, there’s a reason cities have roads.

DON’T – fall behind on the latest trends. Stay up to date, maintain your knowledge base.
DO – find out whether you have a monster or a garbage disposal in your sink. I can’t believe how much better I’m sleeping these days.

DON’T – stand still for social injustice. Go where people are being wronged and champion them.
DO – learn to cry on command, because sometimes all you have to cry about is that you can’t get close enough to your tragedy-props to get them in the picture. I keep an onion in my purse.

—–

< 10 All-Female Movie Remakes Coming in 2020

10 All-Female Movie Remakes Coming in 2020

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“Deliverance” was pushed back indefinitely after producers realized that there’s no such thing as a female banjo player.

After the massive success of the 2016 “Ghostbusters” with gender-swapped lead roles – combined with a complete absence of original ideas and a strong desire not to get yelled at for being sexist come Oscar season – Hollywood has announced the following all-female movies remakes, scheduled for 2020 release

1) “City Slickers”

2) “Saving Private Ryan”

3) Stanley Kubrick’s “Apollo 11 Moon Landing” (1969)

4) “The Blues Brothers”

5) “First Blood”

6) “Home Alone”

7) “Bridge on the River Kwai” (with Betty White as “Lieutenant Colonel Nicholson”)

8) “The Longest Yard”

9) “Mulan” (technically not ALL female, so the gender-reveal scene is super awkward)

10) “Ghostbusters”, but this time with hot chicks

—–

< New Dem Front-Runner: Empty Chair Debated By Clint Eastwood

Future Post-Debate News

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Biden’s Plagiarized Take-Down of Beto
“Mr. O’Rourke, I knew Ted Kennedy.  Ted Kennedy was a friend of mine.  I know you ran from a DUI accident in which no one was even killed.  You, sir, are no Ted Kennedy!”

Kamala Harris’s Epic ‘Georgia Satellites’ Reply to Biden
“Don’t Hand Me No Lines and Keep Your Hands to Yourself!”

Biden’s Epic Dissing of Himself
“I’m Against White Supremacist Enablers, Abortion Opponents, and Incarcerators of Blacks — Like Me!”

Elizabeth Warren’s Epic Sip of One-Third of a Half Ounce of Beer, in a Relatable Way

DeBlasio Taken Down By the Secret Service, Who Did Not Recognize Him as a Candidate

Sensing Voter Demographic Shift, Beto Changes His Nickname To “Snoop Sheepy Sheep” O’Rourke

Bernie Sanders Bolts Down Aisle to Escape Process Servers Trying To Serve Subpoenas For Minimum Wages On Behalf of Staff

Corey Booker Continually Interrupts and Upstages Himself

Moderators Show Off Uncanny Ability To Remember the Names of the Other Candidates

Spotted Eagle’s Epic Pitch For the Nomination:  “I’m The Only One Here Who Has Earned an Electoral Vote!”

Putin’s Comment
“Hack This?  Are You Kidding?  Whatever For?”

14 Fun Facts About Independence Day

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In 1776, there were 2.5 million people living in America. Today, That’s the number of illegal immigrants in Los Angeles.

1) In 1870, Congress made Independence Day an official unpaid holiday for federal employees in 1870. In 1938, Congress changed Independence Day to a paid federal holiday. This year, President Trump will make it so that federal workers will have to pay the government for the privilege of being associated with the greatest nation on earth.

2) Only John Hancock actually signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776. All the others signed later. If asked to sign it today, the majority of Congressmen would take a knee and whine about imaginary injustice.

3) All the original signatories would’ve agreed that the kneelers should be tarred, feathered, and tossed into Boston Harbor.

4) The youngest Declaration signer was Thomas Lynch, Jr. of South Carolina, who was 27 at the time. Despite his youth and immaturity, historical documents prove that he knew that the growling sound coming from his sink was a garbage disposal.

5) 7 of the 56 signers of the Declaration of Independence were educated at Harvard. I assume the other 49 were rejected because they identified as “Asian” on their applications.

6) The only two signers of the Declaration of Independence who later served as President of the United States were John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. To be clear, although Hillary Clinton is old enough, she didn’t make the list because A) she didn’t sign, and B) she didn’t win a majority in the electoral college.

7) The stars on the original American flag were in a circle so all the Colonies would appear equal. Which they are, even to this day. So don’t believe any Texans who tell you that their star is in the top left corner and is actually slightly larger than the rest. That’s not true. Although New Jersey’s IS smaller and lower-right.

8) The Declaration of Independence was first read in public in Philadelphia on July 8, 1776, after people were summoned by the ringing of the Liberty Bell. Yes, children, back then, there was only one ring tone to choose from.

9) The White House held its first Independence Day party in 1801. Which seems like a ridiculous delay, considering that Benjamin Franklin invented the red plastic cup back in 1790.

10) As part of the cruel terms of surrender imposed on the British after the war, America forced them to spell all of their words with extra u’s to remind them of their defeat at the hands of the “U”nited States.

11) Benjamin Franklin proposed the turkey as the national bird, but was overruled by John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, who recommended the bald eagle. Thankfully, those two lost the battle on the traditional Thanksgiving feast.

12) Even the leftest of today’s liberals approve of the American Revolutionary War. Mostly because all of its naval battles were fought using clean, renewable, wind power. Zero-emissions!

13) Since the earliest days of the nation, fireworks have been the traditional way for Americans to celebrate their independence. Also by shooting red-coated, tea-swilling, gun-grabbers. And it wasn’t because of the first two items. Hint, hint.

14) “Yankee Doodle” is a pre-Revolutionary War song originally sung by British military officers to mock the disheveled, disorganized American colonial army. Oddly, the British military has never reciprocated by adopting “The Battle of New Orleans“. It’s fun watching them get grumpy when you sing it to them, though.

15 Fun Facts About the American Flag

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(Reposted from 2012)

Although most people know today is Flag Day (except for hippies, liberals, and other people who run no risk of ever facing an IRS audit), not everyone is fully up to speed on the wonderousness that is the American flag.

Good thing you’ve got me around to upgrade your sub-standard knowledge base:
______________

Much like being struck down by Darth Vader, if an American flag bites you, you shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

1) The American flag was invented in 1777 by Betsy Ross. At the time, the flag of the fledgling nation had only 13 stars because the rich wouldn’t pay their fair share to buy more.

2) America is the only country that’s ever changed its flag voluntarily, instead of being forced to change after being conquered by maple leaves like a bunch of cowardly weaklings [*looks north, spits*]

3) In 1795, flag designers intended to put extra stripes (alternating red and white) for each new state. The futility of this plan was pointed out in Benjamin Franklin’s satirical picture book, “Where’s Flagdo?”

4) Even after the South seceded from the Union, President Lincoln would not allow any star to be removed from the American flag, although he briefly considered replacing Confederate state stars with bright orange 1969 Dodge Chargers with “01” door decals.

5) The current 50-star version of the American flag has remained unchanged for 59 years now, the longest of any design. We will never have a 51st state, since 3 rows of 17 stars would just look dumb.

6) In a fight between an American flag and Aquaman, a DC Comics writer would get repeatedly punched in the face for coming up with yet another stupid, unpatriotic plot line.

7) The colors of the American flag each have their own meaning. Red is for Valor, white is for Purity, and blue is for Justice. Most true Americans, however, agree that there is an invisible fourth color called “Sfik,” which represents how much better America is than other countries.

8) When displaying an American flag, it should always be lighted. Acceptable light sources include sunlight, halogen bulbs, and rockets’ red glare.

9) When folded properly, the American flag is shaped like a triangle with only the stars showing. Folded improperly, the only stars you can see are the ones around your head after you get the beating you so righteously deserve for screwing it up.

10) When an honor-worthy American dies, the flag is lowered to half-staff out of respect. When Obama dies, expect to see a week of nationwide double-staffing.

11) It’s generally considered unpatriotic to buy an American flag unless it’s actually made in America. However it really doesn’t matter where the flag was originally made, as long as it eventually flies over the bullet-riddled corpses of our enemies.

12) While the French flag has the same colors as the American flag, it is still deemed technically inferior, since they only ever actually use the white part.

13) The only time you should burn an American flag is when it can’t be fixed or if becomes dirty beyond cleaning. For example, when it has touched the ground or a hippie.

14) A common nickname for the American flag is “Old Glory.” Ditto Gloria Steinem.

15) Although most American flags are made from cotton, scientists agree that the best American flags are made from the bark of the Tree of Liberty, the roots of which must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants.
______________

And remember, if you see an American flag flying upside down, it means someone’s in distress. Or that they missed that Sesame Street episode about “top” and “bottom”.

5 Awkward Questions for Socialists

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[Submitted by Slapout (High Praise!)]

1) How many New Car dealerships are there in Cuba?

2) What’s the best video game console to be developed in a socialist country?

3) If walls are immoral and socialism is just, why did the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics build the Berlin Wall?

4) The “Green New Deal” wants to eliminate cows. How are you going to get countries like India, where cows are sacred, to agree to this?

5) Where’s the best all-you-can-eat buffet in Venezuela?

Disappearing Leftist Things

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I’ll start…

* Occupy Wall Street

* Al Gore’s “We Can Solve It” (that was a fun one)

* The Coffee Party

* MoveOn.org

* Global Cooling

* Overpopulation

* The ozone hole

—–

Anything else the left has tried to slip down the memory hole?

Selected Lori Loughlin Headlines

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[Submitted by Ace Reporter Oppo (High Praise!)]

“Lori Loughlin Found Very Pretty By Grand Jury”

“Comey: No Single Prosecutor Would Indict That”

“Biden: Let Her Go”

“Chicago DA: Charges Should Be Dropped, ‘Juss Cuz'”

“Biden: Let Her Go”

“Angry Groups Rallying at Courthouse, Awaiting Printed Signs To Clarify Positions”

“Biden: Let Her Go”

“Loughlin Considering Running For Presidency. Already Guaranteed Admission to DNC Debates”

“Needs Comfort and Support From An Ex-Vice-President; Needs To Stay On Massage,” Says Source Overly Familiar With Women In Politics”

“REUTERS (AP) – Embattled questionably-legitimate President Donald Trump has ‘badly mishandled the Loughlin situation due to his well-known misogyny,’ said an unnamed source familiar with the word misogyny. Sources close to the reporter cited Trump’s reputation for distancing himself from attractive women.”

Top Ten Similarities Between Thanos and the American Left

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(a Guest Post by Cayleygraph2015)

10. Nonplussed by a burly man collecting jewelry

9. Keeps falling back into patterns established in the ’70s.

8. Aids zealots who want to destroy law enforcement

7. Insists you thank him for destroying half your economy

6. Invisible while there’s work to do, then shows up at the end and claims to be behind the whole thing

5. Ends up using Nazi ideas when soul-searching

4. Equally at home with computers as with ancient mysticism

3. Antagonizes weapons manufacturers

2. A lot of his power requires the American Entertainment Industry

1. Will kill his own daughter if his plans require it

[Bacon to walruskkkch and David Thompson for inspirational assistance]

Top 10 Things President Trump and Hitler Have in Common

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[High Praise! to Cayleygraph2015]

  1. Bad haircut

  2. Good at public speaking

  3. On at least one occasion, have said something nice about the then-current premier of Russia

  4. Neither is a character in Super Smash Brothers: Ultimate

  5. Have gotten Democrats to support war

  6. No beard

  7. Keeps his soul in a phylactery in case his mortal body is destroyed [NOTE TO SELF: Double-check before posting]

  8. Involved in real-estate acquisitions

  9. Skilled at Kung Fu

  10. Holds a higher rank in his country’s government than Hillary Clinton ever will