Did I miss something, or are we still not bombing Iraq? I was thinking I just missed it in the news, because it sure as hell doesn’t make any sense to me those guys aren’t toast yet. I mean, what are my tax dollars paying for? And don’t tell me it’s poor people.

What I hear the U.S. is doing is dropping leaflets to scare the bajeebus out of the Iraqis so they won’t even try fighting back. They explain how, if they try anything, we’ll kill them just like we killed their friends. It’s a timeless message, but I think we could do better. These guys are pretty ignorant, so we might as well just make stuff up too so we’ll be even scarier to them. Here’s what my leaflet would say:

“Do not lock your radar on our planes or fire at them. We can easily tell when someone does this, and thus you will be instantly killed. Our planes are top secret, so do not look at them. We have sophisticated technology to tell if someone is looking at our planes, and you will be instantly killed. Do not listen to the sounds our planes make when we fly by – that is also top secret. Make sure to cover your ears when we fly by, or your head will explode. Our new policy is that every time we fly by Iraqis, we will fire one of our anti-anti-American missiles. It can tell when someone is thinking bad things about America and seek them out and kill them. So, if you think a plane is coming towards you or you see something in the air – even if you’re sure it’s just a bird – always immediately drop straight to the ground, curl up in a ball, close your eyes, cover your ears, and start thinking about how great America is or you will be instantly killed.”

My other idea is to make the leaflet look like one of those humorous Hallmark cards. On the outside it would say, “We wanted to tell you how great America is and convince you that Saddam is evil and that you should turn against him…” and then on the inside it would say, “but we decided it was easier to just lace this card with deadly poison.”