After his remark praising Strom Thurmond’s failed run for the presidency on a racist platform, the consensus seems to be that Trent Lott is a jackass. But, if Lott does resign his post of Majority Leader, who will replace him? Of course, most people are going to suggest other current Republican senators, but none are that interesting. The Republicans have a historic opportunity, and they need someone really dynamic to be their leader. That’s why I’m not limiting my choices to the usual people. So, without further ado, here is my extensive list of suggestions for Republican Majority Leader:
UPDATED: Added Popeye, Jean-Luc Picard, Brutus
Bill Frist
Occupation: Senator
Advantages: Can destroy bad legislation with lasers he shoots from his eyes.
Disadvantages: Eye lasers become uncontrolable if he isn’t wearing ruby glasses.
Popeye
Occupation: Sailor
Advantages: Senate could use the views of a regular hardworking man. He’ll be strong to the session’s finish because he eats his spinach.
Disadvantage: Known to hang out with whom appears to be an annorexic heroin addict. He is possibly the most disfigured human being in existence.
Jean-Luc Picard
Occupation: Futuristic Bald Man
Advantages: Experience with leadership position. In a debate, he can blind his opponenet with his shiny head.
Disadvantage: French
Brutus
Occupation: Roman Senator/Popeye’s Rival
Advantages: Already has experience as a senator. Gruff manner will intimidate wimpy Democrats.
Disadvantages: Keeps getting beat up by Popeye for going after his girlfriend. Will ultimately betray us all and stab us all in the backs, though we’ll all probably be surprised when it happens (unlike with Jeffords). “Et tu, Brute… ya bastard.”
Harry Callahan
Occupation: Homicide Detective
Advantages: Hates liberals. Pro-gun. Can work out “compromises” by shooting opponent in the leg and then stepping on the wound.
Disadvantages: Not a team player. Will only get things done once he gets in trouble and his boss takes away his senator badge.
Superman
Occupation: Superhero/Journalist
Advantages: Raised with good ‘ole Midwestern values. Can punch annoying liberals into the sun.
Disadvantages: Was known to be close friends with CEO of LexCorp which has been involved with some shady business dealings.
Captain Ahab
“There he blows! A hump like a snow hill! It is Ted Kennedy!”
Occupation: Ship Captain
Advantages: Very motivated. His being handicapped shows that the Republican Party is a big tent.
Disadvantages: Can be single minded in pursuit of an issue.
Godzilla
Occupation: Giant Monster
Advantages: Very intimidating to opponents. Can raze cities in support of military.
Disadvantages: Unreasoning beast, so probably a Democrat.
Jack Bauer
Occupation: CIA Agent
Advantages: Good knowledge of foreign affairs. Not averse to putting in a long day’s work.
Disadvantages: Daughter is a complete and total idiot and could be an embarrassment for Bauer just like Noel is for Jeb Bush.
Batman
Occupation: Crime Fighter/Billionaire Playboy
Advantages: Tough on crime. Can fund own campaigns.
Disadvantages: Billionaire alter ego will just reinforce image of Republicans being party of the rich. Strange unexplained relationship with colorful Robin might not go over well with Republican base.
Bruce Banner
“Raising taxes makes me angry… You won’t like me when I’m angry…”
Occupation: Scientist
Advantages: Not too many scientists in congress, so he may add some interesting perspective.
Disadvantages: Almost as big an anger problem as John McCain.
Super Mario
Occupation: Plumber
Advantages: If he can’t work out a compromise, can stomp on his opponent’s head. Can burn up bad bills with fireballs.
Disadvantages: Strange past involving the consumption of exotic mushrooms.
Papa Smurf
“Your negative ads against me weren’t very smurfy.”
Occupation: Community Leader
Advantages: Can filibuster just using just variations of the word “smurf.”
Disadvantages: I always suspected he’s a goddamn Communist.
John Shaft
Occupation: Private Detective
Advantages: Smooth player who make his own rules. If some liberal starts bitching to him, he’ll probably just kick his ass. Will reinforce image of Republicans being friendly to minorities.
Disadvantages: Rumored to have had many sexual liaisons which will not play well with family-values Republican base.
Jesus
Occupation: Savior
Advantages: Powerful family ties. Charismatic.
Disadvantages: Some may make an issue of his close ties to the religious right. Probably will be adverse to cutthroat tactics needed in politics.
Yoda
“Mmm, liberalism leads to more government spending. More government spending leads to taxes. Taxes lead to– suffering.”
Occupation: Head of Jedi Council
Advantages: Mind tricks can influence the weak minded (i.e. Democrats). Is more nimble than he looks.
Disadvantages: Murders the English language even more than President Bush, which could lead to similar ridicule. Age could be an issue.
GuyBrush Threepwood
Occupation: Pirate
Advantages: Can hold breath for ten minutes as a filibuster tactic.
Disadvantages: Wimp factor.
Hank Hill
Occupation: Sells Propane and Propane Accessories
Advantages: Good conservative values. Plus, we’ve had good luck with Texans.
Disadvantages: Could take hit in pubic opinion if it’s discovered his boy ain’t right.
Frodo Baggins
Occupation: Ring Bearer
Advantages: Doesn’t have a big ego. Can be trusted with huge responsibilities.
Disadvantages: If he ever puts on that ring, its evil power will draw ring wraiths and trial lawyers towards him.
Cyber-Reagan
(like regular Reagan, but with cybernetic enhancements)
Occupation: Cyborg
Advantages: Thermal vision can verify after he trusts. Gatling gun arm can easily break filibusters.
Disadvantages: No known disadvantages. He is the perfect fusion of politically savvy and space age technology.
Me
Occupation: Electrical Engineer
Advantages: Right on every important issue.
Disadvantages: Not actually old enough to be a senator. Maybe, I can get a fake ID that says I’m thirty so I can get past the bouncer who stands in front of the senate chambers.
If I missed anyone, just list him, her, or it in the comments section.
How about:
Conan the Barbarian
Occupation: Barbarian King
Advantages: Really big sword, many minority friends, can kill enemies (i.e. Dems) with single swing of sword, only man who can control Rumsfeld.
Disadvantages: Pagan, won’t go over very well
with Religious Right, can’t speak very well (but probably wouldn’t be ridiculed due to ability with sword), past thievery.
Billy Gibbons
Occupation:Guitarist for ZZ Top
Advantages:Every girls crazy for a sharp dessed man, will appeal to women voters; Owns and drives many classic vehicles powered by carburated V-8’s, will piss off every eco-freak when senatorial limo is Caddzilla; Can keep a filibuster going on forever with a few well placed “Mmmm how how how’s” and if neccessary can describe exactly how the Tube Snake Boogie is performed, the latter will keep the Democrats quite enthralled with thoughts if interns dancing throught their heads.
Disadvantages:Has been to LaGrange and has been known to be a Beer drinker and Hellraiser, this will undoubtably be used against him;beard hairs on the floor in his sitting area will anger the cleaning staff.
Suggestion:
Me
Occupation: librarian
Advantages: I am a woman and will attract the female vote and show that we are friendly to women, not just white men. As a librarian, I know a little about lots of things and what I don’t know, I can find easily.
Disadvantages: Also, not old enough to be a senator. Past history of “experimentation” in college will be found out by liberal press.
Caligula
Occupation: Former Emperor of the Roman Empire
Advantages: Completely ruthless towards enemies. Will probably replace the entire Democrat minority with actual donkeys immediately, except for the ones he just skewers up the ass with his Gladius.
Disadvantages: Slightly off-base on “family values”, completely insane and has been dead for about 2,000 years.
Owen Meany
Advantages: He’s a very intuitive person. Has been known to lead people to Christianity, which will be attractive to the Christian right. Also, he is a little person, which will show we support disabled people.
Disadvantages: He died at the end of the book. The fact that he accidentally killed his best friend’s mother with a baseball might be held against him. But it was an accident and he was never arrested. Also, known to be prophetic, which some will think is crazy.
The writers and editorial staff of the Onion.
Occupation: see above + sarcastic mockery.
Advantages: were forthright in sending hijackers straight to Hell, there to writhe in exquisite torture for all eternity. Are ready to try innovative solutions to problems, like drowning the Middle East and being done with it or electing a superhero to the Senate. Indeed, they may even come up with an innovative solution first, then creating a suitably amusing problem to be solved by it.
Disadvantages: I suspect them of being liberal and easily bored (I can live with the first, but I worry about the second). Also, they’ll probably insist on keeping the other job, which means that we DON’T want them starting wars and shit just so they can get a suitable headline for the next issue…
Just a reminder, dead is not a disqualifying factor.
Melissa,
I wouldn’t worry about them finding out about your experimentation in college; I did plenty of experimentation myself. Once, in Intro to Materials in Engineering, I melted copper and alluminum together to make an alloy. Then, when it cooled, I observed the grain formation. That was fun!
But did you inhale the fumes? So much is therefore explained…
General George S. Patton channeled through Donald Rumsfeld.
Advantages: He’d slap the crap out of Daschle.
Disadvantages: He’s slap the crap out Dashcle.
Superman? He’s a socialist tree hugger. No way.
Jack Bauer would be my choice, and maybe Wolverine.
Darth Vader
Occupation: Lord of the Sith
Advantages: Can stop a filibuster by choking participants to death (And since he only has to be looking at them to do this, it can’t be traced back to him). Can give regular lightsaber enemas to dummocrats and certain Horrywood brainlesses.
Disadvantages: Clothing designed after the f***ing nazis. Devotee of the Force, which will offend religious right.
Ahhh the S.M.U.R.F’s. You’re right Frank, they are commies. Smurf alone stands for Socialist Men Under a Red Father.
Aslan
Occupation: Lion
Advantages: Kicked the hell out of the White Witch, could do it again. Holds support of nymphs and dryads, unquestionably an under-represented minority.
Disadvantages: He’s not a tame lion.
Judge Charles Pickering.
Frank, I think you’ve confused Brutus and Bluto. Brutus is the Roman senator who betrayed Caesar and Bluto is Popeye’s rival. They’re nowhere near close to being the same person.
Conan the Barbarian:
Occupation: King/barbarian/pirate/usurper…
Advantages: wouldn’t think twice about slaying all who oppose us.
Disadvantages: Given to empire building. Has been known to blow all his hard won booty on cheap booze and woman of the night.
Minsc the Bezerker-Ranger:
“Go for the eyes, Boo! Go for the eyes! Raaaaaugh!”
Occupation: Slaying evil-doers. Protecting forest dwellers.
Advantages: On same page as Dubya regarding terrorism. Big sword and berzeker rage perfect for democrat-intimidation.
Disadvantages: Might be sympathetic to Greens and Animal Activists, as he consults pet minature giant space hamster (Boo) on all important descisions, and is a ranger by trade. Can kill allies when berzerked.