It’s Saturday, so once again it’s time to spread filthy lies about Glenn Reynolds!
Now everyone know that not only does Glenn Reynolds puts puppies in blenders, but that he also worships Satan and murders hobos, and it looks to me like his traffic has declined once again. At this rate, he’ll have negative 20,000 unique visitors by the end of the year, but, to be on the safe side, here’s a new filthy lie:
So I was taking a walk through the park when suddenly I saw Glenn Reynolds talking to an Asian man. All I caught was the end of the conversation where the Asian man told Glenn Reynolds, “Thank you, comrade.”
“What was that about,” I asked Glenn Reynolds.
“I was just talking to someone from the Chinese government.”
“Getting inside information to do an expose on Chinese human rights abuses?” I inquired.
“Of course not,” he laughed, “I was giving him information. I had gotten my hands on some government secrets that I thought would help the Chinese fight our capitalist nation.”
“Why?” I exclaimed.
“Because I looooove Communism!” he said, pumping his fist in the air, “Down with liberty! Down with the free market system!”
“You pinko scum!” I yelled, “I’ll stop you!”
He answered me with mocking laughter. “Someone whose website gets as much traffic as mine can do whatever he wants. I’m untouchable! I’m Glenn Reynolds! Now I must celebrate.”
He then started doing the robot dance and singing this rap song:
“I’m Glenn Reynolds and it’s puppies I drink,
And I like to kill hobos because they stink.
Gotta give props to Satan ’cause he’s an evil guy;
It was through his help I became a Communist spy.”
Though I’ve heard better rapping, his robot dance was quite good. Finishing his grotesque celebration, he hopped on his moped and sped off laughing evilly all the way.
And here is yet more unconvincing photographic evidence of my blatant lie:
I also wanted to have an animated .gif of him doing the robot dance, but my photoshopping skills just aren’t that good.
Anyway, here is the new filthy lie to spread: Glenn Reynolds is a puppy blending, Satan Worshipping, hobo murdering, Communist spy who does a better than average robot dance. Now go out and spread the word, especially making sure the FBI knows. They’ll put out a report saying, “Make sure not to visit Glenn Reynolds’s site; he’s probably collecting information on you to give to the Chinese Communists. Instead, visit IMAO.us, which, if anything, makes Communists know even less than they did before after they’ve read it.”
Muh ha ha ha! Soon all the traffic in the blogosphere will be mine!
UPDATE: Fritz of On the Fritz made this animated .gif proving Glenn Reynolds dances the robot – or some similar dance – thus proving all the lies I’ve said.
Okay Frank, you’ve convinced me to stop visiting that “other” site. I could live with the puppy blending, Hobo worshipping and Satan murdering but I, being a veteran and a proud American, have to draw the line here. Glenn rides a moped?! That’s just disgusting. (The robot dancing didn’t help his case either, BTW)
Three possibilities:
1. Glenn Reynolds is of normal height, and Mao is 3’1″
2. Mao is of normal height, and Glenn Reynolds is 11’6″
3. Both are of normal height and they just — what with his stand on Santorum, and — and –I mean, just look at their strangely satisfied expressions and–. Oh God. I’m going to be sick!
Wen Ho Li crap Batman!
I know you were probably shaken up by the whole robot dance rap thing, but did he try to swerve the moped into anything that looked like a Navy airplane?
I used to like Glenn Reynolds’ writing. But now that I know he’s a pinko Satanist who blends puppies and rides a scooter he must be stopped. When the tiger-mounted chimpanzees are done feasting on Michael Moore’s carcass I’m sure they’ll be ready for a helping of puppy-spiced Glenn. Of course that could be a while. Moore is really fat and it’s taking the tigers a while to devour his body.
I just couldn’t get upset about his murdering hobos. They are smelly and fewer of them can’t be bad. And if he moves on to filthy hippies next I just might tolerate his commie ways. Until the hippies are dead that is. Glenn, come to Boston. There are lots of smelly hippies here and I’m sure some of them are hobos too.
Still not convinced. Maybe he was actually giving the guy the recipe for the cure for SARS and he was just lying to you because he eschews any kind of publicity and didn’t want the public to find out that he’s not a terrible puppy-eating hobo-killing monster after all, but a benevolent research scientist who wants to bring peace, health, flowers and fuzzy bunnies to the world.
Glen Reynolds is a handsome young man. I prefer more pictures of him, and fewer of the monkeys.
Fewer monkeys? Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Me like monkeys.
Two possibilities:
1. Mao is in hell, and Glenn Reynolds is supervising part of his damnation.
2. Mao is alive, sharing half of duplex Mao shares with Hitler and Bin Laden, and is pissed because this freeloader Hussein crashes on the couch these days. Glenn Reynolds stopped by to return the fondue he’d borrowed.
You ever wonder if this might backfire on you, driving people to Glenn instead of away? After all, there’s a lot of commies left in the world, and if they learn Glenn is secretly one of their own, they might flock to him.
Is it true that the fury of these rantings is a direct result of Glenn asking Scott Ott to be his running mate in the 2004 presidential election instead of you? I understand their slogan will be Scrapple for breakfast and puppies too!
i’m the root of all that’s evil but you can call me cookie*
Obviously, I am working on the site, as I always do when I am PMS. The blogroll is on hiatus
“Instead, visit IMAO.us, which, if anything, makes Communists know even less than they did before after they’ve read it.”
Hahaha… One of your best lines ever, and hands-down the most truthful…
More Disturbing Facts Uncovered About the Instaman
As if it wasn’t enough that Glenn Reynolds is a puppy-blending, Satan-worshipping murderer of hobos, our Imperial Secretary of War,…
Everything I ever believed in is a LIE, A LIE A LIE
Who would have ever thought that Glenn Reynolds would be outed by IMAO????!!!!! IMAO: Filthy Lies III – Glenn Reynolds is a puppy blending, Satan
Looking at glenn’s left pocket, either his penis starts in a really weird place, or he’s got a vibrator in there.
M
Poor Glenn Reynolds – the world is going topsy-turkey
Who would have ever thought that Glenn Reynolds would be a communist spy outed by IMAO????!!!!! This news is so terrible that I just might
SSG B,
You damned fool. As big as Michael Moore is, the monkeys will never be done feasting on his bloated carcass.
As for Glenn Reynolds, I heard over at Atrios that he eats obese monkeys that feasted for years on Michael Moore’s fatty underarm tumors, and he wears a toupee woven of Moore’s copious navel-lint.
Glenn Reynolds is at it again:
The real story behind Bill Bennett’s gambling problem.
OK, I don’t know if this is technically a “robot” dance, but it probably comes close.
That’s the wave, not a robot dance!
And in the immortal words of Homer J. Simpson, “Needs more dog.”
Bombs OK, cartoons bad
Booga! Booga! Booga!Someone, probably Tim Blair, has already “fisked” this article better than I ever could, but: a.) It’s too late to look anywhere else,b.) This piece is so silly that it deserves, nay, commands the mocking of everyone in the blogosph…
While The Cat’s Away…
Aha! Glenn Reynolds is laundering… millions. I can say that without worries now. So nya-nya-nya-nya-nya. The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled last Tuesday that Web loggers, website operators and e-mail list editors can’t be held responsible for l…
Get Yer War On
There’s war brewing in the blogosphere, a war started by Monkey Boy’s unprovoked attack on the benificient hegemon of the blogosphere. Frank’s series of slanderous lies about Glenn, and his repeated attempts at provoking the Ruler of All have met…
In the interests of simplification…
Some people who don’t really pay attention or are jumping in midstream might not get the connection between monkeys, puppysipping and linkage. I present you with a Completely Unbiased History of Blog War (insert whatever number here). It all started…
Custom 404 pages
In this edition: Fun with 404s… From Ipsie Dixit comes this link to a hilarious 404 page. 404 pages are like Easter Eggs…and they can bring a breath of fresh air into an otherwise lousy day (unless, of course, you…
Literary Lies
Well, I have been exceedingly remiss in completing my most recent assignment from Harvey. I would plead pressing Alliance business, but the Membership Director is a real biotch and I don’t want to get on her bad side, so here goes: New super-secret ste…
Evil Glenn Personals Ad
In an effort to try to slow down Evil Glenn, The Alliance has decided to help him find a woman mate. We figure that taking care of his woman mate should take some of his evil time away from him…
The Beer Store Caper
After we finished running Evil Glenn out of the joint, I knew we would have to drink several beers to calm down. Besides, Harvey and Blackfive knocked over all those drinks and beers chasing that commie outside. Damn, this is…
The Tiity Bar Debacle
After The Beer Store Caper, Blackfive decides we needed to get away for awhile and relax. Some place different. (Here we go again.) Blackfive: “I’m drivin'” Harvey: “Shotgun!” “Crap, I ain’t riding between you two jack-offs. I’ll take my own…
My First Filthy Lie
NOTE: This is a lie I wrote back in November, but it does involve Evil Glenn and animals, so Harvey linked to it Okay, I’m back, and I’ve got a filthy lie totally true story to tell about the most…
All sentences that seem true should be questioned.
Evil Glenn’s Tattoo
What does Evil Glenn’s tattoo look like and where is it? The Alliance wants to know. Harvey tells a sordid tale of drinking mass quantities of beer, robot dancing, and tattoos. It seems that Blackfive was out drinking with Evil…
Evil Glenn’s Tattoo
What does Evil Glenn’s tattoo look like and where is it? The Alliance wants to know. Harvey tells a sordid tale of drinking mass quantities of beer, robot dancing, and tattoos. It seems that Blackfive was out drinking with Evil…
The Titty Bar Debacle
After The Beer Store Caper, Blackfive decides we needed to get away for awhile and relax. Some place different. (Here we go again.) Blackfive: “I’m drivin'” Harvey: “Shotgun!” “Crap, I ain’t riding between you two jack-offs. I’ll take my own…
The Beer Store Caper
After we finished running Evil Glenn out of the joint, I knew we would have to drink several beers to calm down. Besides, Harvey and Blackfive knocked over all those drinks and beers chasing that commie outside. Damn, this is…
EVIL GLENN’S FED-EX PACKAGE
(A FILTHY LIE) Disturbed by rumors of the vile and repulsive Glenn Reynolds receipt of a mysterious package, I decided that the direct approach would be best, so I called him. [ring…ring…ring…ring] Hi. You’re reached the Instapundit Evil Empire. …
EVIL GLENN’S JOB INTERVIEW
(A FILTHY LIE) An excerpt from “Maybe I Shouldn’t Have Said That: A Job Hunter’s Guide” by Glenn Reynolds Chapter 4 Deal Breakers Most job hunting manuals will tell you that it’s a good thing to have some questions ready…
EVIL GLENNS FATHERS DAY
(A FILTHY LIE) It was just another night of polite and friendly comaraderie at Madfish Willie’s Cyber Saloon…. Harv: Yo bitch! Beer me! Bartender: Blow me Harv: I was thinking more of a Guinness, actually. By the way, what are…
EVIL GLENN’S PERSONAL PROFILE
(A FILTHY LIE) About Evil Glenn: Age / Gender – Timeless as the blackness between the stars / male, but you might want to ask again after “the operation” Country – All/omnipresent Quick Description – Evil, oppressive, Dark Overlord of…
What does IMAO stand for?
GLENN’S LAW
(A FILTHY LIE) I stopped into Madfish Willie’s Cyber Saloon for a cold one after work and was greeted with the Bartender’s usual warmth and civility: Harv: Hey Bartender, how’s it goin’? [WHOOSH! THUNK!] Harv: Bartender, you seem to have…
EVIL GLENN’S SIDEKICK
(A FILTHY LIE) Charming Alliance HQ Hostess Susie came home from another miserable 13 hour shift at the Dollar Theater (“Now With 19th Century Technology!”) drained and exhausted. After pouring herself a shot of “Scantily Clad Fireman” brand whiskey (“…
Custom 404 pages
In this edition: Fun with 404s… From Ipsie Dixit comes this link to a hilarious 404 page. 404 pages are like Easter Eggs…and they can bring a breath of fresh air into an otherwise lousy day (unless, of course, you…
HOUSE OF GLENN
(A FILTHY LIE) To complete the latest Alliance assignment of finding out what lay inside Glenn Reynolds’s house, I cleverly disguised myself as a photographer from “Better Tombs and Dungeons” magazine to persuade Evil Glenn to give me a tour…
EVIL GLENN’S VIET NAM SERVICE
(A FILTHY LIE) For this week’s Alliance assignment, I had to find out what Evil Glenn did during the Viet Nam War. By a happy coincidence, when I was guest posting at IMAO, I found a transcript of an interview…