It’s Saturday, and thus it’s time for the final filthy lie about Glenn Reynolds.
I think I peaked with my first one when I claimed he put puppies in blenders, but I continued on to say he is a Satan worshipping hobo murderer and that he is a Communist spy who dances the robot. You can see his traffic on a downward slope from all these lies, but I think I’ll finish it off with the worstest lie of all:
I was walking through the park again, and I saw Glenn Reynolds and was going to avoid that evil man, but he sped up to me on his moped.
“Not so fast,” Glenn Reynolds said, “I have business for you.”
“What? What could you want with good ‘ole honest Frank J., you horrible man?”
“I just had a big puppy shake and am bursting with energy,” he said with a demonic grin, “So I’ve decided to punch you, since you represent all that is good in pure in blogging and I represent all that is evil.”
“If you do, I’ll use my aikido skills against you,” I threatened back, holding my ground.
“Bah! If you fight back, I’ll call the police. And whom will they believe? Someone who get only a couple thousand visitors a day, or someone who get tens of thousands of visitors a day? That’s right, you have to just stand there and take it like a bitch!”
So he punched me, the beloved Frank J. He hit like a girl, but it was still humiliating.
“Muh ha ha ha!” he laughed so evilly it curdled one’s blood, “I’m Glenn Reynolds! No one can stop me! No one!” He then eyed a nearby transient. “Except maybe that hobo; I better go murder him.” He then zoomed off on his moped.
Here’s more poorly made photographic evidence of this crime against humanity:
So here is the final filthy lie to spread: Glenn Reynolds is a puppy blending, Satan worshipping, hobo murdering, robot dancing Communist spy who punched your beloved Frank J. Tell the news, tell congress, tell other bloggers even; the lie must spread and his traffic must plunge for reasons I’ve now forgotten. But I think I’m going to laugh evilly anyway.
Bwa ha ha ha ha!
So what do I do next Saturday? I guess I could spread lies about other bloggers such as Misha (not actually an emperor) and Rachel (not actually a woman), but I want it to be a really big target like Glenn Reynolds. Hmm…
Tool.
Hammer? Screwdriver? Plumber’s Helper? What do you need, James? Talk to me, brother.
Don’t Hit that Blogger!
The lies continue: Glenn Reynolds is a puppy blending, Satan worshipping, hobo murdering, robot dancing Communist spy who punched your beloved Frank J. In addition to being allegedly punched by Glenn Reynolds, Frank J. gets into a brawl with a…
If you look here I’m sure you’ll come up with some good candidates among the higher beings, mortal humans and, your favorite, the playful primates.
Hey! It labels me a primate!
Waddya know, truth in advertising! But then, it says I’m an “Insignificant Microbe”, so even the Bear gets it wrong sometimes.
Not really an Emperor?
Explain THAT to the evil minions of BC, the Imperial Torturer!
uh-oh…
Hey Frank, hate to break it to ya, but those BC evil minions…
remember those folks I mentioned about the kneecapping work?
uh huh.
Its Saturday kids
So many things I could be doing – Participating in a contest – nah, for some reason the generator doesn’t like me, and refuses to output anything. I hope this is a pointed lesson to Dave Barry on two counts…
Speaking of primates, the acronym awards are now up.
Poor beloved Frank :(( I believe all your filthy lies now!!
Finally, Glenn does something I can really get behind.
Take care, lest the Emperor unleash his Minister of War upon you!!! Oh wait…
that bastard! i can’t believe he’d hit an innocent frank! or ride a moped! death to glenn! oh. um. not death exactly. he did send me a very nice note. a stubbed toe to glenn reynolds!
Next thing you know, Frank will be claiming that I’m neither Venomous nor a bitch.
Man, Glenn must have married well. You never hear about Instawife complaining about his exploits. But if I try to eat a single cat to assume the remainder of its lives for my own immortality, my esteemed spouse thwarts me.
However will a man achieve his meglomaniacal goals?
A moped? I would think a Segway would have been more appropriate.
You say that Misha is not Emperor? Well, you got yourself on the top of the list “To Be Executed”, buster!
My preferred way of eliminating Enemies of the Empire is the French Guillotine, but for you have reserved a nice Iron Maiden, complete with rusty spikes––I am looking forward to your screams! HAHAHAHAHA
Lady Executioner of the Empire
IMAO: The Motion Picture
WOW. Frank at IMAO IS a brilliant creative mind, and I’ve worked with some darn good ones, at least in the ad world. I have a little idea like using Jenna Jameson as the Fox Reporter in Frank’s latest opus, In My World: Black Project Insano, and he tur…
Correction
From somewhere in the South, Mike writes in to inform us that “In The Heat Of The Night” (Mom’s favorite show, go figure) in this post about the superiority of Dallas-based TV detectives, is set in Sparta, Mississippi, not Sparta, Alabama. Sorry, Mike,…
Get Yer War On
There’s war brewing in the blogosphere, a war started by Monkey Boy’s unprovoked attack on the benificient hegemon of the blogosphere. Frank’s series of slanderous lies about Glenn, and his repeated attempts at provoking the Ruler of All have met…
In the interests of simplification…
Some people who don’t really pay attention or are jumping in midstream might not get the connection between monkeys, puppysipping and linkage. I present you with a Completely Unbiased History of Blog War (insert whatever number here). It all started…
Score Sheet
Bloggers who have not linked to Jen: Instapundit. Bloggers who have not updated their link to Jen: John Collins, Kin’s Kouch, David’s Great Adventure, A Single Guy in the South, Banagor, Bad State of Gruntledness, High Desert Skeptic, Alice Bloggers…
Aaaaaah. I don’t care what lies he tells, ‘s long as he doesn’t spread them about me…
(Translation: Hurry up with that innuendo, Frank. Geez, what the hell am I paying you for, anyways…?) 😀
Literary Lies
Well, I have been exceedingly remiss in completing my most recent assignment from Harvey. I would plead pressing Alliance business, but the Membership Director is a real biotch and I don’t want to get on her bad side, so here goes: New super-secret ste…
Evil Glenn Personals Ad
In an effort to try to slow down Evil Glenn, The Alliance has decided to help him find a woman mate. We figure that taking care of his woman mate should take some of his evil time away from him…
Poor Glenn Reynolds
XRLQ has a post about poor, poor Glenn Reynolds who, as IMAO has told us all, has gone from putting puppies in blenders, being a Satan worshipping hobo murderer, and doing the robot dance to living in his mom’s basement,…
EVIL GLENN’S FED-EX PACKAGE
(A FILTHY LIE) Disturbed by rumors of the vile and repulsive Glenn Reynolds receipt of a mysterious package, I decided that the direct approach would be best, so I called him. [ring…ring…ring…ring] Hi. You’re reached the Instapundit Evil Empire. …
NAMING GLENN’S CHILDREN
(A FILTHY LIE) Having no children of my own, I’ve never had to go through the agonizing process of selecting a monniker for my spawn. So it’s purely speculative on my part as to what cruel labels the vile and…
EVIL GLENN’S T-SHIRT
(A FILTHY LIE) If the rumors are true – and they probably are, since I made them up myself, then the vile and despicable Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit will soon be revving up the Bangkok sweatshops and cranking out piles…
EVIL GLENNS FATHERS DAY
(A FILTHY LIE) It was just another night of polite and friendly comaraderie at Madfish Willie’s Cyber Saloon…. Harv: Yo bitch! Beer me! Bartender: Blow me Harv: I was thinking more of a Guinness, actually. By the way, what are…
EVIL GLENN’S PERSONAL PROFILE
(A FILTHY LIE) About Evil Glenn: Age / Gender – Timeless as the blackness between the stars / male, but you might want to ask again after “the operation” Country – All/omnipresent Quick Description – Evil, oppressive, Dark Overlord of…
speak your minds motherf***ers
and you didn’ look up my ass before you posted my word
Thats Democracy!!
GLENN’S LAW
(A FILTHY LIE) I stopped into Madfish Willie’s Cyber Saloon for a cold one after work and was greeted with the Bartender’s usual warmth and civility: Harv: Hey Bartender, how’s it goin’? [WHOOSH! THUNK!] Harv: Bartender, you seem to have…
Well I Never…
After all the hours I spend deleting porn spam!? Go ahead, smart guys. Comment away. Update: I mean, golly Miss Lane, I even deleted the curse words from the Kerry quotes! Update 2: I bow to popular demand (sigh) More…
EVIL GLENN’S VIET NAM SERVICE
(A FILTHY LIE) For this week’s Alliance assignment, I had to find out what Evil Glenn did during the Viet Nam War. By a happy coincidence, when I was guest posting at IMAO, I found a transcript of an interview…