What? Could it be? Yes it is! It’s Frank Answers™!
Jimbo who is hiding under a bed at an undisclosed location in California writes:
I accidentally slammed Rachel Lucas in the comment section of another blog. I recognized my mistake immediately (because I confused her with another female blogger with the same hair color). I immediately went back and corrected myself, but I am afraid that Rachel Lucas may have seen my original post but not read my later correction, and is now scouring Southern California with a large amount of firepower looking to end my life in a hideously gruesome manner. I think she would do it like the terminator in the first movie, when Arnold was killing everybody named Sarah Conner because he did not know who the “real one” was. As much as I would like to end the senseless slaughter of those sharing my name, I am really concerned about my own safety. Like the terminator was explained in the first movie: she cannot be bargained with, she can’t be dealt with, and will not stop until I am dead. That part bothers me a little, well, actually a lot. Is there anyway you can get word to her before she exterminates me and possibly my family in a ceaseless quest for blood? Tell her I will like buy a cup from her or something.
How do you accidentally slam Rachel Lucas? Were you drunk? That’s like accidentally teasing the angry rottweiler who roams free on the streets. I would e-mail her post haste, apologize profusely, and buy all of her mugs left in stock. We’re not talking about making fun of king dork White Glenn; Rachel will find you and she will hurt you. She get’s hate mail every so often, but never more than once from the same person, if you know what I mean.
Mackynzie from Birmingham, AL
Recently, a guest of mine gave me a box of French soaps as a “housewarming gift.” Obviously I was very disturbed by this. Everyone knows that the French, much like hippies, are deathly allergic to any type of cleansing product, and they may very well melt at the sight of soap. What is the explanation for the existence of such an oxymoronic product, and what are the proper means of disposing anything frog-affiliated?
French soap? Wow, that is a new one. Are you sure it’s not just cheese that looks like soap? Whatever it is, I would not touch it. It is obviously some trick, possibly that of a terrorist. Treat it like a hazardous substance; get yourself some thick rubber gloves to handle it and place it in a sealed container. Then drive to Massachusetts and dump it somewhere there.
Edmund Burke from Dublin, Ireland writes:
I posted on Samizdata the perfectly reasonable question, what does the white Glenn think about monkeys (of any colour, including their bums) however we still do not know. What do you think?
Heh heh, you put a ‘u’ in “color”; that’s cute. Anyhoo, most people would ask this question as whether White Glenn would associate with monkeys, but I ask it as whether monkeys would associate with him. As vile as most monkeys are, they still can’t stand to be around someone as puppy blending, Satan worshipping, and hobo-killer’n as the Enemy. Monkeys just want general havoc, while White Glenn wants more of a controlled evil. You’ll probably only see him with the vilest of monkeys with oddest colored bums, such as the baboons.
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
Glad to see you still care about saving the world with your sage-like advice.
Bravo.
Tim E
Re: French soap.
The French never use their own soap, thus they export all that is made. You shouldn’t use it as it has never been tested. Hotels also stock it, if that tells you anything.
The trick with French soap is that it’s actually decorative. Much like a French soldier, it is completely useless. Unlike a French soldier, however, it holds its ground if a German walks into the room. I still think your advice–staying clear of it–is sage, as we don’t actually know what the French consider “soap” to be, even in a decorative sense, but I’m sure it’s something that is completely useless in the shower (just in case some Frenchman, on accident, brings it into the shower with him, hiding from German-looking people, and slips and hits the knob, turning on the water). So it might just be wax or something…
Aha! So anyhoo ends with a “hoo”, not a “who”. I’ve been wondering about that.
Historical footnote: Mark Twain noted in The Innocents Abroad the dichotomy of Marseilles soap and the unfamiliarity of the French with it.
The Innocents Abroad
Jimbo should definately E-mail the lovely Rachel. He is, however somewhat safe hiding under the bed in California, Rachel is too smart to go to that zoo. In order to get Rachel to actually shoot you you have to go to North Central Texas. Otherwise she’ll just cut you to ribbons in a delicious fisking.
Come to think about it, I dunno which would hurt worse, getting shot or undergoing one of her fiskings. I’ve been shot, that hurts but the Doc runs up under the covering fire of your squadmates and gives you a shot of Morphine. If Rachel fisks you nobody comes to your aid…you just lay in little pieces.
I think what Mackynzie actually has come across is French DOPE. Don’t touch it, have a HAZMAT crew dispose of it. It will destroy your brain faster than any of the domestic stuff.
Well, I was just stopping by to catch up on IMAO and to leave a comment for Frank because I don’t say I! Love! Frank! often enough.
And then I see, what is this? Someone has dared insult moi?? That simply must not stand. I don’t know who Jimbo is, where his comment that sullied my name is located, or what he said, but I swear upon my dog Sunny’s soul that I will find him and kill him in the most painful, excruciating, spectacularly hideous way possible. Jimbo. Must. Die.
I’m just kidding, ha ha ha! I haven’t checked my e-mail lately to see if Almost-Dead-Jimbo has written to me but in any case, it doesn’t matter because I haven’t beheld the comment he refers to and so am not feeling vicious today; besides, if it was a case of mistaken identity, I’m a reasonable woman. I won’t kill anybody.
Anyway, enough about me. I! Love! Frank! Except when Frank writes a shitload of really funny stuff during a week when I’m too busy to read it, because now I am compelled to catch up and it’s all too funny and it’s messing up my coffee-drinking routine.
Don’t you hate it when people write about you in the third person in your own comments? Frank smash! 🙂
Ahhh… CRAP!
Ok, NOW I’m so totally, and utterly screwed!
I thought that if I hid out until the heat died down, I might just live long enough to wait this one out.
If I try to buy that coffee mug now, that she graciously offers for sale (which I might add, is adorned by that angelically beautiful child) she will then have my address and, and… who knows what grizzly fate would await me!?
Frank, do you think if I left a DVD of The Best of Will Ferrell (2003) on my door step, she would become distracted long enough for me to make my get away to another country?
Frank: Spelling colour with a u is generally a sign of a Canadian.
We also spell other words differently: labour, neighbour, cheque etc.
Aother give away is that some of us say ‘eh at the end of every sentance.
Frank: Spelling colour with a u is generally a sign of a Canadian.
We also spell other words differently: labour, neighbour, cheque etc.
Another give away is that some of us say ‘eh at the end of every sentance.
Would that be as in the phrase: “F***ing Eh” ? To me that sounds more like a question rather than a spontaneous and emotional exclamation “F***ing A!” as I always thought that it was written.
You learn something new everyday. Eh?
Is double-posting also a sign of a Canadian? 😉
I didn’t double post you’re just seeing double ‘eh.
Just be glad Rachel is cutting you some slack there, Jimbo. After all, she DOES know the “wolverine technique.” Trust me, nobody wants that to happen to them!
Frank: Spelling colour with a u is generally a sign of a Canadian.
We also spell other words differently: labour, neighbour, cheque etc.
This sometimes also means they could be British. (I suspect Aussies and New Zealanders also use British spellings.)
It’s definitely F***in’-A. Not F***in’-eh.
And, Jimbo–it’s grisly. Not grizzly. Unless you are the coat on a brown bear that has tiny silver hairs in it, giving it a “grizzled” effect. (A grizzly is simply a variation on a brown bear, which is not necessarily brown in color. Any more than a black bear is black in color. If you’ve been reading closely, you should be permanently confused.)