Previous Episode
When we first got to Alaska, we stayed for a couple days in an igloo. It was cold, and polar bears kept gnawing on the sides.
Soon my parents bought a house. It was a split-level house which my mom didn’t like… but it was better than an igloo. Once you came inside, you’d have to go upstairs or downstairs or you’d be nowhere. I’d like to go downstairs because that was where our playroom was.
Dad had a job at the electric company shutting off the power of those who didn’t pay their bills. Mom stayed home and made sandwiches and took care of us kids just like a mother in one of those fifty’s sitcoms.
During the winter, there was lots of snow, and it was fun. Dad would get very angry on the really cold days because he wasn’t allowed to shut off the power. “If people can’t pay their bill, they should freeze to death!” dad would say. Dad is very wise.
I’d like to play in the snow. Me and my brother would play with Star Wars action figures. I had a Luke Skywalker in snow clothes action figure, but I lost him in the snow one day. I guess a wampa got him. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the Hoth Han Solo action figure to go find him. Poor Skywalker.
One day I thought I was attacked by a wampa. It was smaller than the one in the movie and it bit me. I then looked up in a book what it was. It was a monkey… and Alaskan snow monkey!
“Daddy! Daddy! I was bit by a monkey!” I told my dad.
“Quiet, boy, I’m watching a game,” my dad answered.
“There aren’t any monkeys in Alaska,” mom assured me, and then added under her breath, “There isn’t much of anything.”
I could only get my brother Joe foo’ to believe me. We decided to set up a trap to get that monkey. We used our little sister as bait, the first use we ever found for her. It didn’t work, though.
That night, there was a tapping on the window. It was the monkey eyeing me evilly!
“Mommy! Mommy! The monkey is back!” I cried.
“Keep your nerves together boy!” my dad answered, “We’re too near the Soviets for you to be getting scared by monkeys. Keep a strong face like president Reagan.”
Dad was right. We were very near the evil Soviets, and they kept invading us. They were mean and spoke in angry, funny talk. The Eskimos would use their snow powers to help fight them back, but it was quite bothersome. One day the Soviets came all the way into town, and we had to fortify our house and shoot back at them.
“Here boy, take this,” my dad said, handing me the .44 magnum.
“This gun is to big for me,” I said, “I want the 9mm.”
“Joe already took the 9mm. Now shoot a Commie for I give you a whup’n!”
“But I don’t want to fire the .44 magnum!” I screamed.
“You shoot the Commie’s just like your father told you,” mom yelled at me as she loaded a rifle.
I took an aim at one of the charging Soviets. When I fired the gun, it flew back and hit me in the face. Ow! That hurt! I started crying. The Soviet didn’t seem to like getting shot either, but he didn’t cry. He didn’t do much of anything.
After we finished fighting back the Soviets, dad took us to the corner store and bought Joe and me Flintstone push-pops since were such good boys having killed Commies and all. Sarah got one too, but she didn’t kill anyone. That wasn’t fair.
Summer came, and it was very warm. We visited a farm were they grew cabbages. Because of all the sunlight, the cabbages were even bigger than me. It was crazy. I asked mom why we lived in such a crazy place. “Ask your father,” mom said, seeming a little angry.
We also went to a park and got to eat bear meat. It was very yummy. Summer in Alaska was fun, but, as summer came to a close, it was time for me to start school, which was scary.
Frank, I just repeated what you said…”snow monkeys”, and you, being a brain frozen young lad, heard me say…”there’s-no-snow-monkeys”. I’ve always told you to get the potatoes out of your ears.
Love,
Mom
It sure took you long enough to find a use for your younger sister! My sisters and I were playing “dress up” with our little brothers as soon as we were allowed to hold them…
Frank,
Does your family know you are certifiable?
The three-toed sloth gave me a yellow lollipop.
Stinki,
You KNOW that the only that I didn’t participate was that I was 6 months old and had pneumonia from being kept outside as monkey bate.
Shameful!
Love,
Frank,
I used to think the Michael Moore piece was your best stuff but your auto biography is priceless. Hysterical!
As for the troll up there, he apparently thinks much in the same way as MM and doesn’t recognize satire when he sees it. (Much like MM believes The Onion is real news–stupid cow.)
btw: Who is Yvonne? Your mom? Are you the ashes?
Frankly I don’t understand the title either.
Aah, yes, the great Soviet Alaskan Gambit of ’82, I remember it well. The “44-Magnum Kid” was you?!!! well I’ll be damned…
You joking, you where that .44 magnum kid? All my dad gave me to fight commies off was a .380 Long,,, damn.
I remember the Russian bastards, I shot one three times & he didn’t go down, must have hit him in the liver, what with all the vodka they drink and all.
There was this book called “Angela’s Ashes” or was it “Wanda’s Remains” or possibly “Debbie’s Dust” but anyway the author was an Irishman who had to migrate to the US and become an accademic because he couldn’t hold his liquor. He may have semi-plagerised the title from the anti-monkey master.
I thought everybody knew that you should start little kids out with shoulder arms like rifles or shotguns. We were dammed lucky that Russian invasion didn’t succeed.
Was it true that the 82 incursion was all about the cabbages?
TS,
To some it was the Soviet Alaskan Gambit of ’82, but to me at the time it was just Tuesday.
toad,
cabbages and gold
Frank has all the fun….
of altering the content of troll-spewings. Some of them are hysterical. I particularly enjoyed what he made the troll say in this post’s comments, although all of them are very good. I only ever had one troll comment I altered, and I mundanely changed …
Hehe, kind of like Boris the Blade in “Scratch”
“cabbages and gold”
I thought the ’82 incursion was over potatos and bear meat?,,,,
^that was me above^
Getting laid
Why would anyone buy this ridiculous item? Give me a break! UPDATE IN THE INTEREST OF FULL DISCLOSURE: Like Don Watkins, I am a major fan of both Howard Stern and Frank J. This places me in a clear conflict…
Burnt well done!
The Bonfire of the Vanities is hosted this week by Heather at angelweave, and she does a really nice job! I have a lot of fun reading these, and I am almost tempted to comment on them all, but that…
Interesting thoughts.
man, there sure is allot of porn spam here
not good for Ronin.