Jonah Goldberg is obviously intimidated by me, so I decided to further press my case with Rich Lowry.
To: THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMacing Jonah Goldberg
I saw in The Corner that Jonah Goldberg found out about my job offer to you and called me a blogo-scab (I guess his laziness comes from his union-like mentality). He then pathetically begged to keep his job and blamed his problems on this alleged book he’s writing. Obviously he’s scared, and why wouldn’t he be. A random website using some unknown algorithm ranked me as much more influential, and then he saw how young, dynamic, and witty I am compared to how old and stale he is. As any highly-intelligent person (such as you, Mr. Lowry) would realize, I am the much better choice as a writer to keep NRO fresh an influential. Also, quite frankly, by hiring me, NR will finally have the sexy young male it needs to attract a larger female following (I mean other than you, Mr. Lowry). It’s like you currently have Aquaman on your team and our now being offered Superman (accept your Aquaman, instead of talking to fish, talks to a couch, for pete’s sake).
And, other than my blog, I have written for a paper before. I wrote for The Tartan, the official newspaper of the esteemed engineering college Carnegie Mellon University (yes, the same CMU whose self-driving Humvee failed the DARPA challenge in the desert; what can I say — the place has gone to hell since I graduated). I wrote thoughtful editorials on why we should be able to openly carry firearms on campus, why the environment is our enemy, and against tolerance. My writing was described as “witty”, “insightful”, and “somewhat less boring than everything else in that rag”. BTW, while I’m on the topic of me having graduated from CMU, I could also design a digital circuit if either NRO or NRODT needed it (has Jonah ever offered that? I doubt he could even design the simplest ALU at the transistor level).
What I am offering is to write a column exclusively for NRO and prove I am the greatest writer ever. As soon as you see it, I’m sure you’ll exclaim, “Forsooth! A column of such extraordinary quality I have never seen! Before we traveled in dark, but now our world sparkles anew at the sight of these words of pure gold and silver!” And then you’ll dump that dead, uninfluential weight that is Jonah Goldberg (and his little dog, too) and hire me.
I’ll be waiting to hear from you (but not for long; someone as talented and influential as me will not sit around forever).
Cordially,
Frank J. Fleming
http://imao.us
P.S. Tell Jonah’s mother I said, “Hi.” She’s nice.
I can almost taste Jonah Goldberg’s job now, and it is sweet…
Wait a sec, what if Lowry actually responds back and wants a column? What the hell am I going to write about?
Dammit! I knew there was a flaw in this plan…
UPDATE: I haven’t heard back from Lowry yet, but here’s what Jonah said:
bring it on chief
How Kerry-esque.
Frank,
I think the job’s as good as your’s. What will we do without you?? 🙁
You mean to tell me there is a place where student newspapers carry non liberal BS 24-7??
I went to the wrong school I guess.
I can however design an ALU. Go UNO, or PKI depending on how you look at it.
Futility
I can’t make an ALU, but I can build a death laser. Frank, you wanna team up and rule the world? Mwahahahahahahahaha!
dammit frank, you were doing great, you had the job. right up until you brought up the aquaman thing.
You have a typo (or probably a spell-check fart) in the first paragraph; except rather than accept. If you get a job writing for NRO, you will have an editor to fix these things. Until then, you should probably proofread them yourself if you want to impress them.
And don’t rely on spell-check, either: “…like you currently have Aquaman on your team and our now being offered…”
Sigh. “…and ARE now being offered…!”
Still funny stuff though. If I let typos get me down my local newspaper would drive me bonkers.
Frank,
FYI, there’s a new list and you’re now 90th. But JG is 170th. http://www.blogrunner.com/snapshot/top-authors-01.html
Hey Frank…do you know what you’re getting into here? You do know where and for whom Goldberg’s very intelligent and comely wife works, don’t you? It’s funny and all, but I just don’t want to see you end up in a kennel at Gitmo.
When you get hired, just write one of your In My World pieces. NRO will get to laugh when the liberals pick up on it as truth instead of satire. (It is satire, isn’t it?)
I myself would rather write for a liberal paper. It would be an easy way to have fun with dis-information and the literacy requirements would be lower.
Nothing, nothing you have written in the past two years can begin compare to –
Tell Jonah’s mother I said, “Hi.”
None of it was in the same ballpark. None of it was in the same sport. You have reached a level P.J. O’Rourke hasn’t attained in ten years. Coffee is now spewed completely over my monitor.
Congratulations to you, sir.
Please remember me when you hit it big.
YAR FRANK! Take him down!
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IMAO has an interesting take on things
Ooooooh… you are SO setting yourself up for a world of hurt. You mess with the bull, you get the horns, Mistah Fleming.
Keep this up and “cordially” will not be the only thing I’ll be stealing from you. Like, say, your right to not be punched in the face– I’ll be stealing that. With extreme prejudice.
Eric Spratling, what kind of example are you trying to give ? Is that Mister Jonah Goldberg’s practice that you are making for demonstration or are you only making derision of yourself. I hope the NRO is reading this, because that is an interesting demonstration that you make about your un-competitive weakness. You rule with rudeness, not with talent.
Amphitryon, lighten up. Seriously.
It’s a joke.
Dude, if they want proper grammar, they gots to pay. One quick read over as a proofcheck is all you get for free.
You may be down to 90th, but Instapundit is down to 98th! Take that, Puppy Blender!
I seen one of Jonah’s ALUs. Dude, he used a ripple-carry adder. That’s just said. If NRO is paying good money they deserve at least Carry Look-Ahead.
That’s f***ing hilarious Frank.
Good luck on the job thingy….
You have them right where you want them.
You do not have the right accessories yet. Dave Barry has a wife and a little girl, Jonah has a wife, a little girl, and a dog. James Lieks has a wife, a little girl, and a dog. Now the Limey may be all of those things but he doesn’t live with you. It is time to stop laying around and go out there and get your accessories. How do you spell accessories anyway?
But toad, Frank has a katana… and he knows how to use it. That trumps wives, children, and dogs any day.
Unless you’re in Australia…then it requires a license.
In France, you have to have a “leee-sonze” for your “minkey” too. Why would anyone want to license a monkey?
Katana schmatana! Get a wife! You’re almost 25 years old, what are you doing with your life!!??
You wrote for the Tartan? Awesome. What years? I miss Vox Populi.
Good old Arithmatic Logic Units … I haven’t done that in a while.
I get first dibs on Frank’s desk when he leaves!
Pam,
As an added bonus you get all the Bubble Yum stuck to the bottom of Frank’s desk too!!!
jonag, he’s becoming rich and famous and everyone knows you can’t do that with a wife. The wife thing comes later when they’re falling over each other for your money. Think of the choices…
Ugh Denny! Don’t you want someone to marry you for yourself, not your money?? Don’t answer that!! 😉
Someone already did and now I have no money. For those not yet hitched…
Denny’s Guide To a Happy Life
1. Make lots of money
2. Buy lots of toys
3. Find significant other that meets your criteria
4. Forfiet leftover money to said significant other
5. Live happy… as long as you picked a good significant other and said significant other is satisfied with the amount of money forfieted… and then a miracle occurs.
6. Skip #’s 3, 4, 5
This, of course, really only applies to the male gender.
!disclaimer!
If my wife happens upon this it’s only a joke, honey… really… just a joke…
Gotta love a man who kicks another man while he’s down.. Got any frequent flyer miles, Frank?
Vox Popoli is his blog now. http://www.voxday.blogspot.com
Only if he talks to it and writes column inch after column inch about all of the cute and funny mishaps that it keeps getting into.
Of course, knowing Frank, getting that angle fixed would be absolutely no problem.
So get to it! You need to rename the house you live in “Katana Mansion” or some such, come up with a cute nickname such as “Gnatana” for it (you can use that one, but I’ll charge ya for it) and describe its eating habits in excruciating detail.
You can do it, I know you can.
Frank has a wife (Amphytryon, c’mon, you all know something’s going on there), a dog (Chomps, even if he is imaginary) and a little girl (the Limey).
All that and a katana too.
The katana should destroy the couch, not talk to it.
If I wasn’t so lazy I’d write a letter in support of you Frank. I used to subscribe and I could tell them I would re-subscribe if they hire you. But I’m too lazy. Sorry. I always start letters and then
Hey, Frank, your NRO boy Rich Lowry was just on Fox a minute ago. He and some screechy liberal broad were talking about the Cheney-Kerry flap from yesterday. Linda Vester was moderating and, is it just me, or does everyone else think there is something about Linda that is just really, really hot?
Anyway, I couldn’t help but notice that Lowry seemed to go out of his way to NOT mention you and your job appolication. What’s his problem?
Will,
Thanks, but actually talking about a different Vox Populi. (www.thetartan.org)
PS. I forgot “Crime & Incident”. You can’t make up some of the stuff detailed in there. I had a buddy who made it about 7 or so times in 4 years.
What about Cosmo? Won’t someone please think about Cosmo!!!
Hey Nag,
Another grammatical correction, for your first post here.
There’s no apostrophe to indicate the possessive in “yours”.
No charge, and I promise to review your other shoddy, unfunny correspondence.
Yours in correct usage,
Guile
Ok Frank I got your speach here, make sure you puts lots of feeling in it when you talk to them.
First are going to the National Review
Then we are going to take over Instapundent
and
New York Times
and
CNN
and
MSN
Then we are going to take back the Blog-House
YEEEEAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGG!
(remeber the last part should have lots of feeling)
Veeshir, I know that I make Frank busy with defending me each times one of you cruelly try to harass me, but he did not yet ask to marry him, so I could not be his wife.
Maybe his secretary, tough.
Frank,
I got this Goldberg guy all figured out – “bring it on chief” is definitely a gay sex invite; plus his t-shirts just have a cutesy little picture of him on it next to some lame saying which doesn’t bash the French whatsoever.
Glad to help.
Zeb,
Yes, Linda Vester is seriously hot! Oooh, Frank! She would be a good candidate for trophy wife once you’re rich and famous!
Bob
Guirle,
Thank you for your gentle correction. But if you really want to find lots of grammatical errors, stick around! Frnak’s famous for them (and he’s especially grateful to those who take the time to point them out to him!).
Oh, and Guirle, make sure you mention them in the comment section; he loves that because he’s alerted to them the fastest.
Hag,
Of course it was a gentle correction. I take it easy on people who are only just learning the language.
And for JFH,
At least Frank’s work is funny. Your efforts don’t have that redeeming feature.
Guirly,
Think yew, ewe our two kined. I apreecieight yur hilp.
Hag,
On a different note, how is that hairless Italian stallion of yours? And more to the point, is English a second language for him too?
Grilly
Guirly,
Actually the only English he knows is that which I have taught him: “Oh Baby, you’re so hot!” and “I would love to give you a foot massage”. What more does a man need to be able to say?
In the stallion’s case, how about “Not tonight, I’ve got a headache.” Bada bing!
Grilly
Jonag, you ride an Italian stallion ?
Ouaw !
Guile, you sound as someone who does not love, who is not loved and who is so lonely that the only existence you find in the society is by creating disturbance. Maybe we should not blame you, after all, you may not have chosen, but you should try to correct yourself about the way how you see the “others”.
IMAO is not the academy of English, but it is its forum. Everyone, from everywhere talks, and that is why it is so wonderful !
Amphi,
I think I can speak in a sisterly way for myself and Hag that we are flattered you followed us to this less-used thread.
Now, I think I’m going to cry.
Guile, I have a story, which is a medieval story.
A man, very rich, very powerful, once go to the church and ask the priest how why he is never loved. And the priest answers “it is because you don’t love yourself”. So the man said “but how may I love oneself, I cannot reach to this” and the priest answered “it is simple you know. Take this barrel, and come back here to see me with it full of water, then I will explain you how love can be”. The man took the barrel, went to the river and tried to pour the water in, but no water wanted to come in. So he went to a fountain and tried again to fill it up with the water, but here again, not any single droplet would enter in. The man walked and walked and walked for days, pulling his barrel behind him but still empty. When tired, he sat on a stone and he started to cry. One single tear entered the barrel and all the barrel became full of water. When the man came back to see the priest, the priest told him. You see, you looked for love and you found it into yourself, because you were so praise of you own that you did not even know what you were looking for. Now, if you look for love, try in yourself to see what really you are looking for.”
So, you see Guile, cries sometimes aren’t so bad. I did not say anything to hurt you, but for you to not hurt us on IMAO.
Amphi,
I feel like a new man/woman (keep Hag guessing) already.
Merci beaucoup
Peace Guile !
An Epic Battle Rages
You all know how much I love Jonah Goldberg at NRO. I mean, what’s not to love? He’s even been…