Part I
Part II

“President Bush has not only bungled the war on terror and the handling of Iraq, but he’s now aggravated our alien invaders to the point that they’re threatening to destroy our planet,” the T.V. announced said. “John Kerry knows how to work with the U.N. on terror and alien invasions leading to a more nuanced approach that wouldn’t cause our total destruction.”
“I’m John Kerry, and I’m too nuanced to say whether I approved this message or not.”
Bush shut off the T.V. “Jackass.” He then turned to Condi. “You had a Republican Attack Machine to show me.”
“Follow me.” Condi led Bush to a hidden elevator behind a bookcase. It raced downwards at tremendous speed. After a minute, it finally came to a stop.
“So where are we?” Bush asked.
“Ten miles underground,” Condi told him, “Where are most secret black project are and also the food court… not exactly prime location.”
“Is there an Orange Julius?”
Condi hit Bush in the back of the head. “Keep focused.” She led him through the nearly vacant food court and then used a retinal scan to enter a large vault near the Chick-fil-A.
“There is an Orange Julius,” Bush said as he was pulled into the vault.
“Now, behold the Republican Attack Machine!” Condi announced as she hit a button causing a metal screen to slide open.
Bush stared at the monstrosity. Finally, he said, “It’s just another stupid robot.”
“It’s battle armor,” Condi corrected him indignantly.
“Whatever,” Bush said, taking out his GameBoy.
“It’s got a gattling gun, micro-missiles, and laser cannons!” Condi shouted.
“Yeah, yeah,” Bush said as he played a videogame, “I’m sure it will defeat the aliens and all, I was just expecting something little bit different… more fascinating you know.”
“Well, don’t you want to try it on and defeat the alien menace?” Condi asked.
Bush shrugged his shoulders as he kept his focus on his videogame.
“I swear this is the most high-tech, piece of machinery that ever…”
Condi was interrupted by a warning siren. “There is a foul smell moving at high speed towards New York,” an aide yelled as he ran into the room.
“The French!” Bush exclaimed as he shook his fist. He then turned to Condi. “I’m going to New York to stop their surrender and then fight the evil alien warlord one on one as clichés would dictate. Why don’t you put on your tin can and then destroy the alien mothership.”
“It will be the coolest battle ever,” Condi swore.
“Yeah yeah,” Bush said dismissively as he put on his cowboy had and grabbed his peacemaker. “Time to stop a surrendering.”
Bush ran out of the room, made a quick stop at the Orange Julius, and then headed into the elevator.
“Fine, I’ll wield the greatest destructive force ever myself,” Condi fumed. She then turned to the Republican Attack Machine. “We’re going to kill lots of aliens, aren’t we R.A.M.? We’ll show them! We’ll show them all!”

“See, I told you that through my British wit, Zatoichi’s samurai skills, Chomps’s anger, and Scott’s tubbiness, we would get out of that alien cell.”
“I’m not tubby,” Scott asserted. “So, how are we going to destroy the mothership?”
“When a warrior seeks to defeat his enemy and win in battle,” Ichi intoned, “his greatest weapon is nothingness itself. Such is the way of the void.”
Tony Blair and Chomps nodded in understanding, while Scott exclaimed, “What?”
“What Ichi-san is referring to, chap,” Blair explained, “is that there is probably a core of negative matter inside this mothership that compensates for the ship’s mass and allows it to do interstellar travel. If we could destabilize the core, the negative matter would cause the ship to implode into nothingness.”
“Uh… okay,” Scott said.
“Jolly good. Let’s get to it.”

The surrender mobile speeded through the streets of New York city, a trail of flames behind it. Multiple white flags flapped in the wind as “We surrender!” was blared through the loudspeakers in multiple languages. It soon screeched to a halt in front of the U.N. Headquarters.
When Chirac hopped out of the car, a number of men with assault rifles came to meet him. “Excellent! Our special surrender forces are here!” Chirac exclaimed, “I want you all to split up. Some of you surrender from each sides, others surrender from the rear, some get on the roof to surrender there, while I’ll surrender to the front. Remember, surrender to anyone you see… unless it’s that meddling American president. Then shoot to kill and fight without fear of death. Nothing shall stop the French from the ultimate surrender of all humanity! Nothing! Bwa ha ha ha!”
“Are we talking about that American president?” asked one of the Special Forces, pointing at a man in a cowboy hat.
“Yes! Kill him!”
“Aww, hell!” Bush exclaimed, as he dodged gun fire while running for the U.N. building.

“There is the core of the mothership,” Blair said.
“Guards are coming,” Ichi said.
“Crickey!” Blair shouted, “I think only one of us is capable of holding off the alien guards.” He turned to Scott. “Use your press secretary powers to stall them while Ichi, Chomps, and I destabilize the core.”
“You can count on me!” Scott said firmly.
“Probably not, but cheerio!”
Scott walked forward to the entrance to the room and met the guards. “You’re escaping!” one declared.
“I am out of my cell,” Scott said, “but I don’t know if I would label that ‘escaping’. Prisoners aren’t always in their cell 24 hours a day, but does that mean they’re escaping?”
“Well, did all of you get out of your cell?” a guard asked impatiently.
“What do you mean by ‘all’?”
“Everyone who was in your cell!”
“It’s not really my job to keep track of who is or who isn’t inside my cell.”
“Why did Bush attack Iraqi children,” a hideous creature asked, “What did Iraqi children ever do to him?”
Scott squinted. “Helen Thomas! How did you get here?”
“We’ve destabilized the core, chap!” Blair called out, “Now let’s get the bugger out of here.”
“Kill them!” a guard shouted.
“Aiee!” Scott screamed, “Dodge the laser blast!”
“We’re dodging what now?” Zatoichi asked as Scott grabbed him and lead him through the hole in the wall that Chomps had ripped open.
“We need to find an escape pod,” Blair said.
Suddenly, a wall blew apart. There stood Condi in the Republican Attack Machine. “Time to destroy this place.”
“We already handled that, actually,” Blair said, “We just need a way out of here.”
“But I got all dressed up for fighting and everything,” Condi said mournfully, and then started crying.
“And you look very nice in your battler armor,” Blair told her, “Doesn’t she, guys?”
Chomps barked in approval. “Quite fetching,” Scott said.
“It really flatters your figure,” Ichi said as he faced a wall.
“Okay,” Condi said as she dried her tears, “I’ll lead you to my escape ship.”
“I’m sure you’ll get to kill plenty of people later,” Scott assured her.
“Yeah yeah.”

“Kill the American President!” the French Special Forces shouted as they shot as Bush who was scaling the side of the U.N. Headquarters using a lasso. When he got to the top, more Frenchman were up there and fired at him.
“So long, frogs!” Bush shouted as he crashed through a skylight. “Ow!” he yelled as he hit the ground, “Falling hurts!”
He dusted himself off and ran into the main chamber. There he saw Chirac over the surrender papers with pen in hand. A quick shot from Bush’s Colt .45 splattered ink over Chirac’s face.
“The ancient French surrendering pen!” Chirac yelled, “Why I’ll…”
A quick pistol whip shut him up.
“Kill him!” Xanax orders his guards.
Five more shots and the guards fell dead. Bush then twirled his pistol and put it back into his holster. “Just you and me, Xanax!”
“Fool! My mothership still ensures my victory!” Xanax paused for a second. “What! I’ve lost contact with it!”
“The one thing you should know about Americans,” Bush said, “is that we blow stuff up good. It’s all over, ugly.”
Xanax then held up a flashing device. “If I’ve going down, I’m taking this whole world with me. There’s enough explosive power here to…”
Xanax suddenly fell forward. Standing behind him was Donald Rumsfeld who tossed away a brick. “First round of whiskey is on me.”
THE END