Everyone thought my idea for a space laser was great, but I still haven’t gotten the government grant money to start the project. Perhaps more convincing will do. Here I have written out a full, scientifical diagram of the S.M.I.T.E. design (it could be more scientifical, but I couldn’t find my ruler and just used a pen to draw it):
And here is yet another demonstration of how the laser can be used for happy, peaceful purposes:
I hope that’s enough to convince everyone and get me the grant money. I think I’ll just supervise the creation because then I don’t have to worry about all those hard design questions and just yell at people instead.
I like yelling.
First
time I’ve ever been the first commenter.
ROTFLMAO!
Great one, Frank 🙂
Your drawings are showing great improvement, Frank. I’m still going to need you to use the safty scissors though … and stop eating the paste!
My bosses at Langley and NASA want to know how you discovered the secret of Gummy Bears in lasers.
You should put this on a t-shirt.
I agree, Frank. Definitely need THIS on a t-shirt. I LOVE IT!!!
It’s nice that you captured the true essence of thr terrorists, as steaming, piles.
If you could modify the design so the S.M.I.T.E. could also make crop circles, I could arrange private funding. Of course I’d need to see a diagram for it.
You forgot the beeping thing that all satellites have. It should also have the ability to write stuff with the laser. Stuff like “W was here” or “WWRRD” (What would Ronald Reagan Do?) or “Cha-Ching” or “Boo-Yah” “Who’s next?”. There nothing like getting your message across in big smoldering letters. Maybe a big loud speaker to taunt them from space.
beo, I’m afraid that you have way tooooo much time on your hands….. But the “Xi” imaginary impedence to help stabalize the power surge from the infinite capacitor DOES have it’s advantages…. hmmmmmmm
Too much thought for this early in the morning.
Oh, keep up the good Frank work, he’s made it up to 34 on the google search.
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Macbeau – we have to write that on the face of the moon, of course. Because, y’know, that’s in the Required Testing Of Space Lasers.
Wow Frank! I’m really impressed with your engineering talent. I thought those things ran on jelly beans, not gummi bears? You would know better than me about such things though. Also, excellent depiction of the post lasered terrorists.
“Save me Allah!”
Allah, “NO”
LMAO
Frank, Frank, Frank…you realize that no one in government or business will ever look at these ’cause they aren’t done in PowerPoint.
Mind you, they are great…but not done in PowerPoint.
I like the little Egyptian dance!!
“Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia….”
I third the idea of this on a T-shirt.
Frank. Your website is the first place I visit when I log on at work. You are insane. I don’t know how any human can come up with this stuff. Must be the monkeys. The egyptian dance made me just about fall out of my chair. 🙂
Beo and Over The Top,
Because no specific time value has been established in Frank’s schematic, it would be assumed that the infinite source was DC (indicated by the polarization and lack of any time variable.)
This would of course make the capacitor effecively an open in the circuit. However, with an infinite DC supply, that current would “jump the gap” and complete the circuit.
So the capacitor is there as an air gap – perhaps this to deter space-travelling terrorists and space monkeys from trying to dismantle S.M.I.T.E., kinda like a car alarm. Mount that cap on the outside, have someone close the gap by messing with S.M.I.T.E., and WHAM! – infinite DC. Ouch.
Frank, I find no problem with your design. Disclosure: You should know that my EE degree is coming from a Public University.
Man, I screwed up Frank too. Sorry.
As an engineer at a defense contractor, the only design change I would make would be use Jelly Bellies instead of Gummi bears.
Ronald Reagan would have preferred it that way.
Frank, does SpaceMonkey get to push the button on the laser?
Ha! I love it! I would be honored to ‘man’ the laser’s fire button.
WOW!!! Frank you must be a physicist or an engineer or something. What a cool idea. Another solution is project THOR, that thing the U.S. airforce/army/ Nasa came up with a while back. You know what i’m talking about right? Anyway, say you have, o I dunno, 50 000 6 foot crowbars all in geosynchronous orbits around the earth and a simple radar and propulsion sytem on each of them. If you ever want to say blow the shit out of a small group of islamofascist cocksuckers, you just press a button and one of these things falls on their heads at fairly high speed(like say sub orbital velocity) causing a large explosion and subsequent death of intended target. I think it might just work as well as the whole SMITE dealy-thingy. Just a suggestion…..
Thor threw hammers, not “crowbars.”
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Beo, Steve you’re both wrong, THOR threw Allen wrenches.
LMAO & IJAL (I just ate lunch),
The schematic looks sound: infinite power supply leaves plenty of margin. You don’t want to try it out the first time and just make evil doers “really red” or half-baked. The capacitor is not there as a spark gap, it is there because all digital guys put in a capacitor so they don’t get yelled at by the power supply guys.
No digital guy (or gal) would want to design something with lasers in it, except this design since it blows stuff up. Frank did the right thing and studied up on his own time to become a laser expert. He spelled it ‘laser’ instead of ‘lazer’, has kryptonite to keep Superman from messing with it and the gummy bears for gummy bear stuff.
Why is the space monkey allowed so close to the part that doesn’t say “Death come out here”?
Steve’s low-tech crowbar solution seems like a good idea except there is no fun design work for the digital guys. It would be a lucrative contract since all 50,000 crowbars have to get tested for sitting in space worthiness.
The celebratory dance is priceless. Will he dance like an American next — perhaps The Swim, The Watoosie or The Twist?
Attention Venture Capitalists
This young man has as fine a business plan as I’ve ever seen and, honestly, if this were 1998, I’m sure he’d have no problem…
OH MY HELL!…. I am CRYING! OK, needed that laugh in a big way.. I think the “saved” should be required to do the running man ala Bobby Brown style, maybe even chant “It’s your birth.. oh wait.. It’s your BirFday, It’s your BirFday, It’s your BirFday”
“Death come out here”……… bahahahahahahahaha.. you ARE good Frank. You ARE GOOD.
Frank J. the Astrophysicist
Frank J. has drawn up plans for an orbiting space-laser. Everything seems to be in order here, I just hope…
Doing the War On Terror “Differently”
In the spirit of Frank J. giving “concrete examples” of how to do the WOT “differently”, our focus group has come up with “real” solutions to the terrorism problem
Just a note that an assassination laser was the idea behind the (very funny) movie “Real Genius.” Of course, shadowy Bad Guys were behind the laser project in that movie …
my only objection is your demo showing 2 out of 4 Evil Terrorists getting away. your S.M.I.T.E. gives a probability of a 50% chance of success.
needs more improvement, big fella. 😉
SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!!!!!!!!!! ALL OF YOU SHUTUP!!!! It was called project thor by the army. Besides everybody knows that Thor threw giant six foot crowbars; what kind of idiot do you have to be to not know that?!?!?!?! “….and thor tossed a huge freaking crowbar at his enemy Somesocialistnordicguy and he exploded in a ball of screaming flame.” Haven’t you ever heard this legend before?? Wait… no wait a minute….. maybe it was socket wrenches he threw. Or maybe toaster ovens…???…???…???
That was friggin HILLLLLLARRRRIOOOOUUUUSSSS!
Frank you are a Genious!
Thor EATS monkey wrenches, SPITS nails, POOPS drill bits, and HACKS UP rotary sanders; but he THROWS hammers.
And he WEARS flannel. I think he has a show called “This Old House,” where he goes by the alias “Norm Abrams” and puts all these skills to good use.
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Quick Hits 2
Okay, this is just as funny as all get out. And at the end of a long working day, I…
Your S.M.I.T.E. project shows much promise. If we were to combine this with the sub-orbital drones equipped with Peanut Brittle-ization Rays (turn any substance into delicious peanut brittle instantly!) that I’ve been working on (Project Candyman), we’d have the War On Terror over in a matter of weeks.
To quote the Project Candyman slogan, “P.B.R. me A.S.A. DIE, terrorist scum!”
You migfht be right there Beo. Norm Abrams does have a beard……. and I’ve heard that bearded guys do eat monkey wrenches, spit nails, and poooooooooooooooop drill bits. Why am I still looking back at this post anyways?!?!?!?!??!
I tried to make a super weapon a few years ago so that I could rule the universe, just like Ming the mercyless or George W. Bush. I had just built the laser and mounted it on an orbital platform, ready to obliterate my enemies, when the US declaired that it could be used to pirate CDs and broke the DMCA and the British declaired that it was against the European convention on Human rights to bombard people from orbit with a death ray.
Long story short, they impounded my laser cannon, Mr. Moore knicked my idea for discreditting George Bush and started to film it, and Walt Disney rewote my autobiography and used it to make an episode of Kim Possible.
Oh the tribulations of being a genocidal meglomaniac
Reminds me of a Berke Breathed Bloom County cartoon making fun of Ronald Reagan’s SDI. But unlike the “basselope” based weapon, yours just might work!
LMAO!
Blueprint for Madness Funnyness
Okay, so it’s Frank J.’s second blogiversary. That’s two years of funny IMAO goodness, folks, and it just doesn’t get much gooder, lemme tellya. Well, Frank J. asks that we link to our favorite IMAO post today in recognition of
Frickin’ Laser Beams
Frank J. posts his brilliant plans (and schematics!) for a Space Laser….
Frickin’ Laser Beams
Frank J. posts his brilliant plans (and schematics!) for a Space Laser….
Who says the Stealth Basselope doesn’t work? I mean, sure you have to feed it steroids so it’s strong enough to carry the bomb, but our secret testing program (human testing only, for safety’s sake) among female Iron Curtain Olympians solved this problem back in the 1980’s.
Duncan Black, AKA Frank J
After reading Atrios’ latest attack on Instapundit, I’m convinced that Frank J. of IMAO is the same person. I’d always been somewhat suspicious, since Atrios’ handwriting is very similar to Frank J’s, and they are both fond of spreading filthy…
kickass, man…. kickass…
THat was hilarious! Nice design 🙂
When “Not in My Back Yard” Doesn’t Even Come Close
And people think an airport moving next door is bad: Activists in Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside want a “safe inhalation room” for people who smoke crack cocaine, building on the success of Canada’s first safe injection site for those who…
When “Not in My Back Yard” Doesn’t Even Come Close
And people think an airport moving next door is bad: Activists in Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside want a “safe inhalation room” for people who smoke crack cocaine, building on the success of Canada’s first safe injection site for those who…
Space based weapons are a new reality that not many have realized exist aparantly not even OOSA who has failed to stop it from happening becomeing a useless .org
Get ready for space war
http://www.firstamendmentpress.net/space_based_weapons_dot_com.html