As we all know from the media, Cheney serves his master the corporation Halliburton, the most evil corporation there is. Thus I sent my crack research staff to find out all they can about Halliburton, and I even checked out the FactCheck.org site Cheney mentioned (my sister was the first one to tell me about that site; good silly sister). Here are the goods:
FUN FACTS ABOUT HALLIBURTON
* Halliburton gets its name from the last name of Lucifer Halliburton, prince of darkness.
* Halliburton the corporation was founded right after Adam and Eve were expelled from paradise and soon got a sole-source contract for building their house.
* The cross Christ was crucified on – all Halliburton. They had sole-source on that for the Romans.
* During the Dark Ages, Halliburton labored long and hard to find a way to pollute the world using the technology available, but ended up on just causing the crusades since they had the sole-source on chain mail and the pope was a former CEO of theirs.
* While Andrew Jackson was president, Halliburton was able to get a contract to randomly destroy forest and kill woodland creatures for no particular reason.
* In the 80’s, Halliburton researched how to turn puppies into nuclear waste that they could then put in the water of school children.
* After Cheney became CEO, Halliburton made money by bulldozing orphanages in third world countries to make chemical weapons plants to use on kittens.
* Some are confused exactly what business Halliburton does. Its main products are pollution, hatred, death, and lawn furniture.
* Remember when you didn’t get that toy you wanted for Christmas? It was because of Halliburton!
* In Iraq, Halliburton has a couple people instructed to bang a hammer against pieces of wood to pretend they’re constructing something while the rest of the employees work on stealing all that sweet, sweet oil.
* Halliburton saves money on labor by using slave labor. They save money on slave drivers by just giving whips to angry gorillas.
* Know who canceled the original Star Trek? Halliburton!
* Halliburton contractors in Iraq have been instructed to strap Iraqi children to themselves to protect themselves from bullets.
* Halliburton holds the patents on strife, suffering, genocide, and pure evil.
* Despite seemingly cutting contact with Halliburton and its profits, Cheney gets a dollar from Halliburton each time an innocent civilian in Iraq is killed.
* In a fight between Aquaman and Halliburton, Aquaman would be bribed with a cushy job to not tell the press how Halliburton is dumping waste in the ocean (hey, the ocean is two thirds of the earth; where else are you supposed to dump waste?).
* In the movie Planet of the Apes, know who blew up the Statue of Liberty? Halliburton!
* Reliable polemic, government-controlled newspapers in the Middle East say that not only is Halliburton part of the Great Satan, it’s also run by jooooos!
* Halliburton has gotten its pollution so efficient, it soon should be able to produce pure pollution without any commercial byproduct.
* Halliburton has done business with America’s sworn enemies such as Libya, Iran, and France.
* It’s in the Halliburton mission statement to put evil and the customer before profit.
i think you failed to mention that Haliburton was in cahoots with the Nazis as well.
i’d say ‘first,’ but that seems kinda silly.
Liberals hate Haliburton because they aren’t profiting from it themselves.
I know that’s the only problem I have with them.
You failed to mention that Halliburton starred in “Catwoman,” one of the worst movies ever made.
Oh. Wait. That was Halle Barry.
Never mind.
And Halliburton is responsible for reincarnating old timey actor/dancers into new funny bloggers! Oh, the humanity of it!
omg, still laughing. the best know thy enemy yet!
My favorite Know Thy Enemy so far. Nice job Frank.
Haliburton once killed my dog.
In the next day or so I’ll probibly get this sent to me with a MoveOn.org letter-head and subject line “Further Proof About Cheney and Haliburton”.
I have a feeling that I’ll laugh just as hard as I did this time.
Charley, Frances, Ivan, Jeanne…yup, ALL Haliburton!
Not funny or sarcastic but true and ironic:
Halliburton started off as an oilfield services company in Duncan, Oklahoma. At some point in time they bought a construction company called Brown & Root out of Houston, Tx. The KBR in Halliburton’s KBR division, that is doing all the work in Iraq and Afghanistan, stands for Kellog, Brown & Root.
Here’s the IRONY: Brown & Root was a struggling, near bankrupt, tiny construction business in Tx during the depression. A young corrupt congressman named LBJ, agreed to funnel federal New Deal projects to B&R in exchange for campaign contributions. During the depression, B&R built numerous along the Colorado river in central Tx. with federal money, and LBJ got access to huge sums of cash. Enough that he could finance not only his own campaigns, but those of other congressmen in less prosperous parts of the country. This gave him leverage in the house, far above what his experience should have allowed for. Brown & Root is probably more responsible for LBJ’s presidency than any other private individula or private enterprise, and today their offspring are the whipping boy of the entire democratic swamp.
should read “numerous dams”
Halliburton employees 101,000 people. There are 441 million shares of Halliburton stock outstanding, many of which are owned by the mutual funds, 401k’s and pension plans of millions of Americans. Yet to hear the Libs talk, Cheney is the only person who has a stake in that company, the only person who makes money from that company. What a bunch of loons. If Halliburton were to be shut down tomorrow, Cheney would be fine. But there 101,000 people that would be effected directly, and millions more indirectly and they would suffer much more.
Funny that a guy that repeatedly marries for money and an ambulance chaser that has never taken one pro-bono case have such a hard-on for a company made up of and owned by millions of Americans that work for a living.
Frank, You’ve made the big time.
Larry Ahrens at 50,000 watt KKOB is reading this on the air.
Excellent piece. I now have a seatbelt on my desk chair to use when I read your stuff.
Glenn Reynolds/Halliburton connection? I heard Halliburton has a sole source contract on puppy drink mix for Instapundit.
Is’ nonnamy bizness, but I saw Halliburton makin’ eyes at Ms. K, knowhatI’m sayin?
I think I finally figured out the Halliburton fixation on the left. They seem to figure that Halliburton is to Republicans as the word “it” is to the Knights of Ni.
Ok, something really important. Was the Statue of Liberty in Planet of the Apes blown in half or was the bottom half buried? Hmmm!?
Halliburton steals candy from babies. Why? Just for the “Halliburt”. (get it? just for the halliburt?! It’s a pun! oh nevermind!).
Halliburton also plants people in elementary schools to pop any bouncy balls the kids may be having fun with at recess.
Man – am I on the Democrats Underground website? ; )
Great one Frank – you need to get a few more items in there:
Haliburton was responsible for getting Jar Jar Binks expelled from his homeland at exactly the right time, so when the Trade Federation (really a front for Halliburton) stomped over the hapless masses on Naboo, Jar Jar was thrusted into a leadership position in the Senate to get the Empire started.
Halliburton was also responsible for bribing the Tusken Raiders to kidnap Anakins mom so that he would be further
drawn into the dark side (Halliburton)
And of course, Halliburton was responsible for the production of the biological weapon cleverly disguised by the term meliclorinian (SP?)
production, which was started at the beginning of time, for easier control of the population in the future.
Didn’t Halliburton get a No-Bid on the Deathstar?
Halliburton is actually causing all the Florida hurricanes with “secret weather-making technology”, in an effort to wipe Florida off the map (or, at very least, to disrupt power to the electronic voting machines in select democrat precints), thereby “stealing” the election from John “Robin Hood” Kerry and Little John, and giving it to the Big Bad Bush.
Halliburton shot JR.
Scott, you got it wrong. Halliburton was responsible for Jar-Jar Binks. Oh, and they claimed that Greedo shot first.
The bastids.
eh – the jooos control Halliburton. ‘nough said.
Solent Green is halliburton!
sYD
Didn’t Halliburton get a No-Bid on the Deathstar?
No – Halliburton made the government WANT the deathstar.
Veeshir said:
Haliburton killed bambi’s mom.
Frank: you, jonag, Turkeyhead and Pam have me rollin’!
Halliburton bit Old Yeller, giving him rabies and took out the dogs in “Where the Red Fern Grows,” which only go to further prove the whole dogs/puppies theme.
Hey! I work for Halliburton and I resemble those remarks! Heh. Nice work Frank. I think I like this one best and am posting it on the bulletin board in the office.
Halliburton builds soda machines that fall on people and KILL THEM!! Kerry-Edwards 2004!!!
[/muck4doo]
You commentors are sometimes pretty funny.
Pam–that may be the best one I’ve read yet!
Is Halliburton the Umbrella Corporation?
Halliburton killed Laci Peterson! I mean Halliburton’s front group, that satanic cult!
And let’s not forget the lesser known light-sabre division, which sabotaged Obi-Wan’s light-sabre leading to his death at the hands of Dick Cheney, er, Darth Vader.
Would that all even FIT on one t-shirt?
Oh, come on people. You’re missing the obvcious one: Luggage. Halliburton makes really cool but evil luggage for all those evil jetsetting executives with their evil but sexy cool secretaries, and all those nifty aluminum and plastic cases for all the evil cool technology that no god-fearing person would want to touch much less know how to operate, such as oscilloscopes, direction finders, phone buggers, poison gas dispensers, disassembled assault sniper rifles, and of course, suitcase nukes.
“The death star.” Pfft. You people have no VISION.
We have perfected the art already, soon, all trees will die and than you will be… dammit, outsmarted by the tree resistance again. By destroying them dead youll be happy noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo