“Release the lock!”
An aide held one end of a long rope and yanked it, pulling open the lock of the giant cage. The door was kicked open, and out came a growling and snarling creature.
“Ladies, gentleman, I present you the new head of the Democratic National Committee.”
“Yeaaaaagh!” Howard Dean screamed as he overturned his desk. He then lifted up a chair and smashed it over his own head.
“Yeaaaaagh!
“Remember to stay on message!” suggested an aide.
Dean grabbed the man by his neck and lifted him into the air. “Yeaaaagh!” Dean screamed as he threw the man out the window.
“The message is that the Bush administration is full of lies!” Dean shrieked. “Lies! Lies!” he repeated as he punched through the drywall. He then turned towards the cameras and charged them. “Hate Republicans! Kill Republicans!” He threw a punch at a camera, and the screen went to static.
“I don’t get it,” Bush said as he turned off the T.V., “So are the Democrats trying to energize themselves, or is this some form of elaborate political suicide?”
“They’re the frick’n Hindenburg,” Cheney commented, “I just would make sure not to be anywhere near them as they burst into flames and plummet toward the earth.”
“I wouldn’t be so dismissive of Dean, though,” Bush said, “I hear when he gets in his rages, bullets can’t stop him.”
Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. “The Book of Punditry has prophesized such things,” he intoned, “‘A bomb in the form of a man will lead the opposition, and all must be done to stay away when he explodes.’ We must do everything to not engage this force of rage.” Rove then faded back into the darkness.
“We really have other things to worry about, Mr. President,” Condoleezza Rice stated.
“Why? The elections result in Iraq are in,” Bush answered, “I brought democracy where there once was none. I’m a God among men!”
“But there is the problem of Iran and North Korea still,” Condi said, “Especially now that North Korea has announced they have nuclear weapons.”
“Again!” Bush exclaimed, “That’s horrible!” Bush then paused for a moment. “North Korea is the bad Korea, right?”
Condi rolled her eyes. “Yes.”
“That’s horrible!” Bush repeated, “but I guess there can’t be any real trouble as long as their leader is a stupid poofy-haired freak.”
Condi gulped. “He cut his hair, sir.”
There was a long silence in the room. “They have to be stopped!”
“Kim Jon Il is demanding bilateral talks between just us and them,” Condi stated.
“No way!” Bush answered, “I hate Asian people.”
“I have a solution to all this,” Rumsfeld said, standing up and fixing his tie, “War! War! Kill! Kill!” Rumsfeld ripped a world map off of the wall and started stomping on it.
“Those are expensive to replace, Rummy,” Bush whined.
Rumsfeld turned to Condi. “I bet the diplomat has some talky answer to all this.”
Condi stood up and stared Rumsfeld in the face. “If all the concerned nations could act in concert, we could convince North Korea back into multilateral talks.”
“Bah!” Rumsfeld snorted, “Being the Secretary of State has made you weak! You could never be the Secretary of War like me!”
Condi curled her hand into a fist.
“Hey, let’s stop all the fuss’n and the feud’n,” Bush said as he stepped between them, “We’ll try talking to North Korea, and, if that doesn’t work, we’ll explode into an orgy of violence. Sound good to you, Big Time?”
“This doesn’t involved more oil contracts for Halliburton,” Cheney stated, “So I don’t give a rat’s ass.”
Bush smiled. “Then we are all in agreement.”
“I am Kim Jong Il!” Kim Jong Il shouted, “I am very powerful! I am also very sexy! Look, my hair is no longer poofy!”
“It certainly is not, sir,” his aide answered.
“And I have nuclear weapons!” Jong said, “Americans now very scared of me! Nuclear weapons very scary! I have them now!” Jong then grabbed a nuclear warhead and started shaking it. “My nuclear weapon! Mine!”
“Please be careful with that, sir,” the aide warned, gently pulling Jong away.
“I have many plans for America!” Jong stated, “They will be destroyed! They will be the poofy-haired ones! Muh hee hee hee hee!”
Bush sat in the waiting room of the Japanese embassy. “Who could they be talking to right now who is more important than me?” he mused aloud, “I didn’t get stuck behind Jesus again, did I?”
Suddenly the wall exploded open, and there was Howard Dean staring right at Bush. “Republicans evil! Republicans die! Yeaaaaagh!”
Bush reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of 9mm rounds. He threw them in Dean’s face, but he shrugged them off and continued charging Bush.
“Oh no! Bullets really can’t stop him!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Numero uno!! Arriba!!!
“Oh no! bullets really can’t stop him!”
I must protest, there is now chocolate milk all over my computer. Please make with the funny after well thought out warning! 🙂
Dubya still has that Sammauri sword around somewhere, right?
I’m soo wonewy!
I heard that Kim Jong Il likes to personally dry-hump each and every nuclear warhead produced. I also heard that Howard Dean likes to dry-hump Michael Moore and Al Franken every now and then…
…it’s true! I have pictures!
“I heard that Kim Jong Il likes to personally dry-hump each and every nuclear warhead produced.”
Bozark, that’s not exactly true… What Jonger is doing is his own depraved re-enactment of Slim Pickens’ bomb riding scene from “Dr. Strangelove.” See, Jonger actually wrote that movie. He called it “How I learned to Get the Bomb and Bilateral Talks with Stupid Americans,” but thieving Stanely Kubrick stole his script. At least, that’s what the intel reports here at Osan AB say…
…I stand corrected. But I really think he’s trying to compensate for something!
Well, intel hasn’t confirmed anything in terms of Jonger’s… ahem… “personal inadequacies,” However, I can tell you the propaganda broadcasts do tend towards the more grandiose rehtoric. Especially when referencing anything that might be related to the “Dear Leader.” Of course, this does tend to support that theory…
Top shelf material!
Great stuff!!!
I love Dean’s screaming fits.
Where’s Chomps (and Buck the Marine) when you need them?
Sorry if I sound like an obnoxious English teacher, but near the bottom you might want to change allowed to aloud.
Thanks, but, in the future, e-mail corrections.
What does the book of Punditry say about the Michael Jackson case?
I am eternally amused that Karl Rove always emerges from the shadows.
One does have to wonder if this means that the Oval Office is well lit. Did Rummy break all of the lamps on another rampage?
You Have pictures Bozark?
Please keep them to your self the discription alone made me feel ill. 🙂
I think the shadows just FORM. They’re they are, and then they’re gone.
“Bullets – my only weakness! How did you KNOW?!”
Yeaaaaagh!
Holy Crap! Dean is now the Lefty version of Rumsfield in “In My World”
I am already fantasizing about the great showdown of ’05….or ’06…or whenever
Donald Rumsfield (aka: The Rumsfield Strangler)
vs
Howard “YEEEAAAAAGGGHHH!!!!” Dean
Mr. J., you are in fine form!
‘Sound good to you, Big Time?’ — very funny.
“Bush smiled. ‘Then we are all in agreement.'” — even funnier.
Thanks for the laughs, bud
As insane and destructive as Howard Dean is towards inanimate objects, his kung fu is pathetically weak against the living.
Also, it must be known that he chokes whenever faced with a real challenge, or even Jean Francois Kerry* for that matter.
* The haughty, French-looking Massachusetts Democrat, who by the way delivered weapons to the Khmer Rouge.
Well, of course 9mm bullets are going to bounce off the Incredible Hulk. You need something with a little more POWAH, like the evil infidel Joo-gun the Desert Eagle.