President Bush finished up his trip to Belgium, where he spent the last several days doing the diplomatic equivalent of Frank J’s Happy Dance and making the Europeans look like the terrorist-coddling schmucks that they are.
Sadly, though, in a recent survey of American adults, 90% of respondents could NOT find Belgium on a map of Europe (50% selected France, and 40% chose Rand-McNally).
Even worse, when asked “What is Belgium?”, 75% picked “The University of Wisconsin – Madison football team“.
Here at IMAO, we believe that the only way to fight such appalling ignorance is with MORE appalling ignorance, and thus present these:
- Belgium is a small European country whose main exports include chocolate, waffles, and socialism.
- Belgium is one of the oldest countries in Europe, richly steeped in culture and tradition which has hardly changed from its quaint, 14th century beginnings. Mostly because all the innovators left for America centuries ago, leaving nothing behind but “short bus” people.
- Not all Belgians are socialists, but all socialists are Belgians.
- Wait… I was thinking of rectangles and squares. Nevermind.
#5 The official language of Belgium is German, which was adopted in 1939 on the theory that it’s always best to embrace the inevitable. - On a related note, no one in Belgium has ever bothered to learn French.
- But you Belgiuminians might want to start learning English (see tidbit #5)
- Get some oil for us to steal, first, though.
- Heh. I said “first”.
- The capital of Belgium is Brussels, which was named after the brussel sprout because – like the vegetable – the city is disgusting and smells like urine.
- Belgium covers approximately 30,000 square miles – about the size of Michael Moore’s breakfast spread.
*Belgians are normally friendly, good-natured creatures, but have been known to savagely attack humans if provoked by, for example, making sudden movements or invading Iraq. - The headquarters of the European Union is in Brussels because socialists are disgusting and enjoy the smell of urine.
- The national pasttime of Belgium is “Commie-Ball”, a game where each team tries to steal the other team’s equipment and re-distribute it to the spectators.
- In America, this game is known as “Congress-Ball”.
- In Texas, they play a version called “Get-Offa-My-Land-Afore-I-Blows-Yer-Head-Off-Ball”
- Here in Wisconsin, we just drink beer & eat cheese, but we’d watch Commie-Ball if one of the players were named Favre.
- Despite being traitorous, back-stabbing terrorist-coddlers, Belgium is NOT part of the Axis of Weasels. However it may get tapped to fill the opening once we nuke France.
- Oh yeah, Froggie, you’re on the list.
I hope you found that as enlightening as I did. I didn’t know HALF this stuff until I just now made it up. If you have any appalling ignorance you’d like to add, please feel free to do so in the comments.
IMAO – Fighting ignorance, one fact(ish) at a time.
first, I’ve been first a lot lately.
Belgium is such a small crappy country, that it had to join with two other small crappy countries to create another slightly bigger crappy country.
When I was stationed in Italy, I kept hearing about this Benelux place. I finally looked it up and saw that it was Belgium, The Nether-regions (or whatever its called) and Luxemborg all joined together to create a socialist economic powerhouse to help them compete with the rest of continental Europe, and perhaps to keep them from being beaten up by the other European countries.
On another note, I was pretty against this whole group blog thing, but Harvey, you have managed to do the chameleon trick and fit right into the spirit of this blog that we have come to expect. Your posts are very FrankJ like. You and Aquaman. Thanks for that.
MikeC
Isn’t Belgium the rest stop on the highway between Germany and France?
Previous occupiers of Belgium have found that the Belginians (?) can be trained to produce high quality handguns for their overlords (witness the Belgian made Browning Hi-Power pistols made in the late 30’s and early 40’s). Once our invasion plan is complete, I nominate moving a contingent of the Colt factory over there such that I can finally purchase a Colt pistol that is both affordable and high quality, something the current company seems incapable of doing.
Belgium is also the galaxy’s most offensive curse, according to the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Kinda makese sense when you think about it.
Seems like I heard one time about some big-assed horses called Belgians. So in addition to socialism, chocolate, waffles, and urine, they may have big-assed horses going for them also.
Laughing my butt off….great post!
Don’t forget, the most famous Belgian of all time is the fictional Agatha Christie character Hercule Poirot.
Thus their greatest hero was someone made up by an Englishwoman.
Favre. shudders
Okay, now that that’s over, allow me to continue laughing my rear end off.
Go here to see the REAL TRUTH. BELGIUM DOES NOT EXIST !!!
MikeC – Thanks, it’s nice to not be reviled any more 🙂
Seriously, though, when I first started here, I thought IMAO readers just wanted “funny”. After reading some of the feedback, I realized that IMAO readers wanted “current-events/political funny”, so I’ve made the adjustment.
If they want crass perversion, they can just stop by my place 🙂
IMFO (in my female opinion) any country that makes chocolate can’t be all bad.
The one famous non-fictional Belgian, Jean-Claude van Damme, did the decent thing and emigrated to the US over 20 years ago. He’s also a strong supporter of the War on Terror
jonag, what you don’t realize is that the Belgian chocolate company’s biggest seller in their country is chocolate Bushes which they feed to dogs, killing them, in protest to the Iraq war. Then they can go around on DU and say, “see? Bush even killed my dog!”
Another Belgian favorite is the bush shapped knife they stab their children with for the same reason.
Jeeze, that’s sick, I can’t believe those sick-os would do that to make a point!
Awesome post, Harvey. MUCH better.
I hate to break your heart, but Wisconsin smells like poop, dude. As a Northern Michigan University student, I gotta say that my trips to the big ass mall in Appleton have filled the air of my car with the pungent aroma that is created solely by cow farms and Packers fans.
If Belgium wasn’t so usless, I’d say make a T-shirt outta that one!
Great post! Keep up the good work!
Hey Frank- I live in Wisconsin too! WHen I travel, I always notice my last flight home to Madison has the most full figured folks on board. Its nice to live here except for the snow and the fact that its TAX HELL!!!!!!! Love your site, you crack me up man!
Appleton doesn’t smell…unless we’re downwind of Kaukauna. The paper mills stink to high heaven…worse than cows.
I certainly got a raw deal…not only am I a native of Wisconsin, I’m 1/4 Belgian (though the relatives do send us good chocolates…). A man I once knew laughed at me because ‘my people’ have no culture…but then he shut up when I reminded him that he’s Canadian.
Harvey, whereabouts are you from in WI?
haha
They have nice waffles.
Yeah, Wisconsin smells like poop. Tell me something I don’t know.
Monica – South Central. I can practically spit on Illinois from my front lawn.
Which is how I spend my free time 🙂
Like every other person on the planet, I don’t think of Belgium. It is so insignificant that one can argue that it does not exist.
On another note, just remember that Belgium’s most famous individual is Hercule Poirot. And he’s a fictional character.
Man, quite the Wisconsinite quotient here. And an NMU student, no less! Creepy, seeing as how I grew up in Marquette and now live in Dane County. Still, Madison smells downright nice, and it’s got a higher pretty-woman quotient than any place I’ve been in save Orange County. Dare I ask what your major is, NMUSpidey?
Correction: That’s “GIT off MAH land ‘fore AH blows YORE HAID off, yew sorry son of a gun!”
I would have thought you would be more fluent in Texan by now. Perhaps you need to listen more closely to SarahK.
Texas Girl
I spent three long, dreary years in Belgium when I was a child, and learned that there’s a reason they’re called The Low Countries. (Don’t read Ray Bradbury’s “All Summer in a Day” when you haven’t seen sunlight in three months.) Belgium is the New Jersey of Europe.
Hey, why isn’t this a “Know your enemy” post?
I guess they’re too EUnuchy to really be an enemy. But they’re at least as smug and smelly as a Frenchman.
Actually, I’ve never been to either France or Belgium, but I did spend New Year’s Eve 1988 in Luxembourg and they use Belgish money, talk French and don’t clip their nose hair.
Close enough.
As yet another WI native, I can attest to the fact that there is a small town in Wisconsin called ‘Belgium’. What ever happened in that little town that they would name a whole country in Europe for it?
Veeshir – Because Frank has a virtual trademark on the phrases “Know Thy Enemy” and “Fun Facts”, but he let me do essentially the same thing as long as I gave it a different name so people could easily distinguish my work from his.
Thus “Totally True Tidbits”.
Belgian, Belganian, Belgiuminian – All are incorrect.
The correct term is Belch.
Example:
“Sorry, you urine smelling EUnuch, I don’t speak Belch.”
“Considering the success of ‘Blood for Oil’, Secretary Rumsfeld is considering plans for a ‘Blood for Chocolate’ campaign. Both the Swiss and Belch governments have stated their dismay.”