Despite the fact that the Pope has been in the news a lot lately because of his recent health problems, most people don’t know much about him. He remains shrouded in mystery like Austin Powers or the true meaning of the letters “IMAO”.
It’s time to lift the veil of secrecy surrouding the Catholic Church’s most powerful figure, even though doing so will probably cause me to be sentenced to that special circle of Hell reserved for blasphemers and journalists. Regardless, some things are more important than the disposition of my immortal soul. Therefore I have plumbed the darkest depths of Google and otherwise just made things up in order to present to you (in the extended entry) these:
- The first Pope was the Apostle Peter, who became such when Jesus handed him the keys to the Church. Jesus also handed him a hefty mortgage payment, which is why churches pass collection plates.
- The Pope lives in Vatican City, or Pope-opolis, as it’s known to the locals.
- Vatican City has a zero birth rate and everyone living there is completely celebate. Think of it as the anti-Utah.
- When it’s time to choose a new Pope, the faithful are alerted to whether a new Pope has been selected by the color of the smoke coming from the Vatican chimney. If it’s white, a new Pope has been chosen. If it’s black, the Cardinals are still deliberating. If there’s no smoke, the Cardinals are still holding in their bong hits.
- Numerous songs and poems have been written in honor of the Pope, mostly because so many words rhyme with it.
- I mean – hope, soap, dope, cope, rope, taupe, antelope, colonoscope… these things practically write themselves.
- The Pope is sometimes called the “Pontiff”, which should not to be confused with “pilaf”, which has more rice and less divine capacity for forgiving sins.
- The Pope’s staff is carved from a single piece of Jordanian Olive Wood, which is the same type of wood in the staff that Moses used to part the Red Sea and explains why the Pope-mobile never gets stuck in traffic.
- If a Pope bites you, you become one.
- Assuming you get a 2/3 majority from the College of Cardinals.
- In a battle between the Pope and Aquaman, the Pope would bless the water surrounding Aquaman, transforming it into Holy Water, and causing Aquaman to burst into flame. POPE WINS!
- Although the Pope usually avoids politics for “render unto Ceaser” reasons, he personally leans toward socialism, despite not being a Belgiuminian.
- In a battle between the Pope and Satan, we’d finally discover whose side Aquaman is REALLY on.
- The Pope’s hat is made of imported Chinese silk, sewn together with solid gold thread, and contains almost as much magical power as John Kerry’s.
- The Pope frequently entertains the Cardinals by saying “Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!” and then pulling out a lion.
- Catholicism is America’s #1 religion, with Frank-J.-worship coming in a close second.
- Although Popes are friendly, docile creatures, there is no record of any successful attempt to get them to breed while in captivity.
- Or under any other circumstances.
- Which is a shame, because in the early history of our country, vast herds of wild Popes used to cover the Great Plains. However, the Indians hunted them to the brink of extinction after the White Man killed all the buffalo.
- When the old Pope dies, the College of Cardinals convenes in the Sistine Chapel, where they vote for a new Pope by beheading one another with swords until the last man standing wins THE PRIZE.
- Just like in that movie, “Dirty Dancing”.
If I overlooked any vital Pope-related information, please feel free to leave your own tidbits in the comments.
I can’t believe it…FIRST!
And Harvey, great stuff…I was skepical at first about this group-blog stuff, but I was quickly convinced it was a good idea. Keep up the funny and the free ice cream!
But… they do breed. Alexander VI, a Borgia pope, is known to have had at least 8 children by at least three different women. Maybe some Medici Popes did too.
In the Renaissance, Popes had to be sexy, too.
Some Facts about the current Pope, John Paul II:
The current Pope’s real name is Karol Jozef Wojtyla, which raises severe questions as to how he got press passes to the White House under a fake name.
Actually, he used his real name, but he did ask softball questions to Scott McNuggets.
There’s still a security problem. If all I have to do is become head of a church that has its own country, I can get an audience with the US President any time I feel like it.
John Paul II is a fake name, so he’s a fake Pope. I mean, look at his credentials. Two master’s degrees and a doctorate aren’t nearly enough to qualify one for pontification over a church with a billion members.
The Pope is also known as the Holy See. This is directly related to Santa’s ability to know when you are sleeping and know when you’re awake. The Pope keeps him informed. This is accomplished through his secret network of Swiss ninjas, who can also be seen protecting him during his public appearances.
(I might have gotten some of that wrong).
Also, Marc, they didn’t have to be sexy, just sexual. If a woman refused to have sex with a Pope, he just had to scream “heretic!” and some good citizen would make sure she was immediately set on fire.
The Pope is a mammal!
yes, its a mammal, but it lays eggs.
What? No humorless catholics publishing edicts demanding your head?? Can it be that Christians have a sense of humor??
That’s why I love America. Thank you. I laughed my head off.
The pope is polish and lives in a submarine with screen doors.
R Shapiro,
Christians can be funny, I have been telling people that for years. Like, ummm, the reason that the pope mumbles like thai in all his speeches is because he is trying to connect with the computer geeks who as we all know start out talking normal then quickly degenerate into mumbling.
How was that? lol
Err, also I am not Catholic, but I promise to laugh if you make fun of Martin Luther.
Although Aquaman is Catholic, he’s an Atlantian Orthodox. Therefore, the Pope’s holy water would have no effect. Aquaman would clearly win the fight.
Some Catholics have a sense of humor and some don’t – pretty much like the rest of the population. Many Catholics also have a great deal of respect for the Pope – even the ones with a sense of humor. I have been reading Frank’s blog because I am a Catholic with a sense of humor. I won’t be reading this blog anymore because I have a great deal of respect for the Pope.
Oh, come on, Nan! Even my Ultra-Catholic Grandmother wouldn’t find anything in this post overly offensive! She might say, “That’s not very nice, boys. Take it all back before God smotes you down” but she’d still chuckle about it when we weren’t looking.
I always thought Pope jokes were part of being Catholic. Nan i know your type I went to Catholic school … i have no doubt you were one of those who sucked up to the nuns and if you are a girl i bet you were the May Queen. Lighten up
Oh, you are so going to hell for this one.
Ha! Ha!
You are going to burn in a fiery pit!
Ha! Ha!
There, that’s my sense of humor. I laugh at you burning in hell!
Ha! Ha!
Dude – Lap Dances, Pope Jokes, what’s next? Are you in a race to the bottom?
🙂
Back in the day, Pope John Paul II seemed like the Super Pope. The dude was actually BUFF. He had ripped biceps under those Pope Robes, you could tell, and he wasn’t afraid to use those guns. He snow skied AND kicked communist butt during the Cold War. I even bet that when he was a kid back in Poland, he told a Pope joke or two. Too bad he’s so sick.
It’s just God’s way to tell the commies and muslim ‘better luck next time… NOT!’.
The Pope goes to New York.
He is picked up at the airport by a limousine.
He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”
But the Pope persists, “Please?” The driver finally lets up. “Oh, all right, I can’t really say no to the Pope.”
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.
The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window.
Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute.
He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it’s someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Cop: More.
Chief: Who’s more important than the president?
Cop: I don’t know, but he’s got the Pope DRIVING for him!
Ha!!! Lightspeed, that’s a classic!
Oh Harvey is most definitely on a greased rail to Hell, now. But, there is no way Aquaman could beat the Pope even now.
Pope-opolis… I don’t know why, but I found that to be very funny.
The Pope originally went by the monkier of “SuperPope” and vowed to deliever “Papal Justice” to evildoers. This practice was abandoned after the Spanish Inquisition when the Cardinals decided they had delivered enough to last approximately five centuries.
SuperPope was an original member of the Justice League/Superfriends, but the ACLU demanded his resignation because of the separation between church and hero-dom.
He was replaced by Aquaman.
It’s starting to all make sense.
You can tell when SuperPope is on the way from the playing of a G-sus(tained) chord.
It’s his theme music.
Remember what we learned from The Simpsons…”The phony Pope can be recognized by his high top sneakers and incredibly foul mouth.”
You know how when you ask an obvious question some smart alleck will say “Does a bear poop in the woods?” or “Is the pope Catholic?”? Well when I was a kid (a Catholic kid), my dad (a Protestant dad) would answer our questions with “Does the pope poop?”. We thought for sure he was going to hell for saying that!! Now we know better. If God has a sense of humor (which when you consider He created Michael Moore you know He does…), then certainly the Pope has a sense of humor. These were hilarious Harvey!!!
Pope jokes ARE part of growing up Catholic. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if JPII himself collected them — much the same way that lawyers collect lawyer jokes.
As far as SuperPope, I recall that 20-odd years ago JPII made the record books by having his own comic book — and it wasn’t put out by some underground press, but by Marvel.
So that answers the next question — of COURSE the Pope beats Aquaman, since every comic book aficianado KNOWS that the Marvel crew can kick those DC wusses ASS!
Martin Luther was really a ninja who could take the Pope any time he wanted to in a fight…
Ok, I understand everything except the Little Red Velvet Shoes…Aren’t they really GAY?
Ha ha as a resident of Utah I can say: Its funny cuz it’s true.
There seem to be a lot of people from Utah here… I think at least three besides me.
And I don’t think these were too blasphemous, Harvey. 🙂 I thought it was a great post – but then, I’m not Catholic, so maybe I’m not qualified to say anything.
“even though doing so will probably cause me to be sentenced to that special circle of Hell reserved for blasphemers and journalists”
Harvey – my father is a journalist, although he’s conservative so maybe he’s immune. If not maybe you’ll get to meet him there.
” When the old Pope dies, the College of Cardinals convenes in the Sistine Chapel, where they vote for a new Pope by beheading one another with swords until the last man standing wins THE PRIZE.”
There can be only One.
i am a catholic. it wasnt blasphemous. my pastor once called all the standing kneeling and sitting catholic aerobics
I hold the secret to what IMAO truely stands for…
In My Arrogant Opinion
why does the pope wear pants in the bath?
so he doesn’t have to look at the unemployed.
JW7
humanoverlord – By journalist, I meant “MSM journalist”, so your dad is safe 🙂
[FRANK SAID] – Although Popes are friendly, docile creatures, there is no record of any successful attempt to get them to breed while in captivity. Or under any other circumstances.
Perhaps you should reference the following historical pontiffs…
1.) Rodrigo Borgia – aka Alexander IV
2.) Alessandro Farnese – aka Paul III
3.) Giovanni CibÚ – aka Innocent VIII
In Innocent VIII and Paul III’s case, at least the children were fostered before they became a pope, although only Innocent owned up to his kiddies. In Borgia’s case, however, lets just say he had a special method for bestowing indulgences on his people.
Hehehe. Good ones, Frank.
See, that’s the great thing about being an atheist–blasphemy is a victimless crime. 🙂
There can be only ONE POPE!!!!
“At last, the Gathering….”
I like the jokes, but calling him a socialist really isn’t fair, considering the guy’s history of anti-Communist action(as someone above said, the KGB tried to whack the guy). Wrong about the Iraq war, sure, but his job description doesn’t exactly seem to suggest that excessive pacifism is a bad thing(despite the histories of some of his predecessors).
“Perhaps you should reference the following historical pontiffs…”
Perhaps you should reference the part where I said “just made things up” 😛
Silly readers – spend more time surfing for Matrix trivia and less time reading those silly history books 🙂
Anyway, point well taken, and I confess to historical inaccuracies…
I simply cannot believe the inhumanity of humanity.
A man (first and formost) lies on his deathbed, and all the kind people of the world can do is make ‘Pope jokes’.
How incredibly insensitve and criminally blasphemous, and macabre.
Shame on you and all that you stand for…..
Anyway; the pope walks into a bar with three hookers……….