(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Last week Donald Rumsfeld visited Afghanistan.
This week, Donald Rumsfeld met with reporters to discuss his activities there. A transcript of the press conferece follows in the extended entry.

Rumsfeld: Good afternoon. Please excuse the fact that I’m drenched in blood from head to toe. I guess that this would be a good time to remind you guys that ettiquette requires you to knock to check if a men’s room stall is empty, rather than just pushing the door open. Don’t make me teach anyone else this lesson before I can get my knife re-sharpened. Meanwhile, you sissy-pants pencil-pushers can start asking me questions while I sharpen my knife…
ABC: Secretary Rumsfeld, I think you’re lying about being in Afghanistan. I was there and I didn’t see you. What were you REALLY doing last week?
Rumsfeld: Your wife. But after I paid her the quarter, I went to Afghanistan to do a grip & grin with the troops, and I can prove it… [holds up severed terrorist head]… [inhales deeply]… I love that smell… smells like victory, don’t it boys?
NBC: Or a little like Wendy’s chili… but what about reports of troops not having enough body armor? Doesn’t this prove that war is wrong and that America is evil?
Rumsfeld: Well, if by “is evil” you mean “has too many skinflint, ass-weasel Democrats in office who won’t pony up necessary funds for the troops”, then yes. Good question. I like you. I’ll kill you last.
NBC: And a follow-up question: what about reports of troops not having enough body armor?
Rumsfeld: That’s the same question… You didn’t even change the words around… which means that technically, it’s not a follow-up, and I don’t have to kill you last anymore, either. [throws knife at reporter which buries itself up to the hilt between his eyes]
NBC: But what about what about reports of troops not having enough body armor?
Rumsfeld: Didn’t I just kill you?
NBC: I’m a reporter. You threw a knife into my brain. It’s not like you damaged any vital organs.
Rumsfeld: You don’t die easily. I like that. I’ll kill you last. And I’ll even answer your question. We’re working on the body armor problem. Even as we speak, all your cars are being confiscated and chopped into 6-inch squares.
NBC: But body armor is made of ceramic plates, not steel.
Rumsfeld: I’m sorry, what made you think my last two sentences were connected? Next question…
CBS: Besides body armor, what else are you doing to protect the troops from the patriots opposing Bush’s illegal war for oil?
Rumsfeld: Just to clarify a point, the illegal war for oil is in Iraq. The only natural resource in Afghanistan is building-rubble, but we’re working to illegally steal that, too. Meanwhile, I’ve been instructing the troops in new close-quarter combat techniques. For example, say the enemy is approaching you with some sort of disguised weapon… say, in the shape of a piece of fresh fruit… You! Come at me with that banana!
REUTERS: Huh? OHHHH no! I’ve seen Monty Python.
Rumsfeld: I fail to see what “Let’s Make a Deal” has to do with anything. Just come at me.
REUTERS: You’ll shoot me!
Rumsfeld: I promise not to shoot you.
REUTERS: Well… ok… [waves banana feebly at Rumsfeld]
Rumsfeld: Come AT me, man! Show a little testicular fortitude!
REUTERS: Uh… Grrrr!… uh… Fear my banana of death!
Rumsfeld: …at which point I defend myself by tearing his leg off…
REUTERS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Rumsfeld: …and clubbing him to a bloody pulp with it. The advantages to this method are that even if some mainstream media weenie tries to squeal on you, surveys show that the general population no longer believes media reports of clubbing deaths. Next question.
MSNBC: You said “advantages”… what’s the other advantage?
Rumsfeld: Free bananas… [biting into blood-spattered fruit]… Neft quefthun…
CNN: Recently there have been numerous reports of Al Jazeera reporters being strangled by someone calling himself the “Don Al Drumsfeld Strangler”. Is he working for US Special Forces or is he a local muslim vigilante?
Rumsfeld: Yes, I strangled them.
CNN: Why are you avoiding the question?
Rumsfeld: I will now avoid the question by strangling you because you’re stupid [nonchalantly strangles reporter]…
Rumsfeld: Anyway, back to close combat – here’s another trick… if you’re surrounded by the enemy, you can always throw an explosive object in their midst to kill them all… like – for example – this podium…
[hurls podium into crowd of reporters, causing them to scatter like minnows]
Rumsfeld: Now as you can see, the podium didn’t explode because – as anyone who’s smart enough to get into any college courses besides journalism knows – podiums aren’t explosive. However, since our enemy is – just like you reporters here today – incredibly stupid, they will run away from the podium and trip the claymore mines set up around the perimeter of the room.
[series of explosions from the perimeter of the room]
Rumsfeld: Any more questions?
NBC: You… you killed EVERYBODY!
Rumsfeld: That is NOT true!… [unholsters .44 magnum] BLAM!… now I’ve killed everybody… and I told you I’d kill you last.
Rumsfeld: And that concludes this press conference… Hey, McClellan! Clean up on aisle 3! Grab the wet-vac & get to work, tubby!