(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
A lot of people have been asking “why hasn’t the MSM picked up on the Air America scandal?”.
Well, it turns out that it’s because the execs at Air America have been sitting on a bunch of stories that are – shall we say – “less than flattering” about the other major news outlets, and threatened to go public with them if the big boys cracked the story.
Through various nefarious means, I’ve discovered what those hidden scandals are:
MSNBC paid over $3.4 million dollars in bribe money over the last nine years to keep the Apple Mighty Mouse off the market.
Ted Koppel was videotaped at Peter Jennings’ funeral rifling the corpse’s pockets looking for spare change to support his vicious crack habit.
Since the 2004 elections, Dan Rather has spent millions of dollars of CBS’s money buying vintage typewriters on eBay.
The ink used to print Newsweek is manufactured in Honduran sweatshops and its main ingredient is the blood of orphans.
Elvis has been working in the mailroom at NBC since 1977.
Almost a year beforehand, members of the Associated Press CLEARLY knew that September 11th was coming. It was on all their calendars, just sitting there next to September 10th.
Wolf Blitzer, booze, a can of Crisco, and a video camera. ‘Nuff said.
All the major networks accepted serious payola from Lyndie England to keep showing those Abu Ghraib photos, which did wonders for her “internet dominatrix” business, which – coincidentally – is owned by Time-Warner.
Speaking of ownership, you may have already guessed that greedy corporate sports network ESPN owns ‘RoidCo, which makes steroids in Honduran sweatshops out of orphan-blood.
Oh, and Robert Novak had sex with Tom Cruise, but hey – who hasn’t?
Let me know if there any media scandals that I missed…
Al Roker accidentally created Katie Couric while attempting to clone Hitler.
‘RoidCo also has a secret deal with the makers of Preparation H, involving the other type of ‘roid.
I don’t know exactly how he’s doing it….but Gary Trudeau is continuing to have his shit run in the funny papers when it clearly belongs on the op/ed page.
Howard Stern caught on grainy video giving a tequila-induced nipple ring to Michael Powell.
Katie Couric was spotted at Fox News studios slipping laxatives into the coffee pot in the green room. Busted by Michelle Malkin, a cat fight ensued. Malkin pounded Couric into next Tuesday. Awesome!
Here’s an explanatory link for that Doonesbury reference:
http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/books/07/27/doonesbury.language.ap/
Sandy Berger doesn’t own pants, they were rentals.
Sadly No! just dissed you proper.
Swweet.
Dennis Miller is a student of your humor, isn’t he?
Harvey, this sucked so bad that some guy from some other blog didn’t find it funny. Do better or no new shiny penny for you.
You were going to pay me a penny?
YAY! A RAISE! 😛
How come Harvey gets a penny!?
Okay fella, I came with an open mind, hoping to see a funny conservative blog, but it ain’t working. Try some fart jokes or something
“Oh, and Robert Novak had sex with Tom Cruise, but hey – who hasn’t?”
Bubba Clintoon hasn’t.
He got confused about what the meaning of “sex” is. We don’t hear about him “smoking cigars” anymore, do we?
He thought it was sleeping with Hillbillary.
That’s enough to confuse anyone, and frighten small children too.