I’ve accomplished a lot of things in my life. I’ve gotten married, I’ve had kids — well, not me, I mean my wife, and I’ve even managed to hold down a job. But sometimes these accomplishments seem so hollow. Why? Because I haven’t been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Sure, I’ve never been a murderous thug, but that’s only an unofficial requirement.
Having watched the news, it seems that there’s a death row inmate here in California who not only was nominated — but he also wrote a kids book.
This is inspirational. I’ve always wanted to write a kids book to help inspire all those young eager minds — and to make lots and lots of money.
However, it seems that most publishers want to see some sort of “draft” before they’ll fork over any dough! Don’t they know who I am? Every day I hold Frank J’s Coat!!
So it is with sincere pleasure that I now share my latest entry into the exciting world of Children’s books.
Give Me Your Money, By RWD. Retail Price $6.95
Once upon a time, there was a sweet, and gentle gangbanger. His friends called him Killer K. One day Killer K said, “I’m Hungry.” His friends laughed at him. So he shot them.
Some other friends looked on this and said, “Killer, if you had a job, then you would have money. Then you could have all the food you want.”
Killer K thought about this. People were always telling him to learn a skill, take his life seriously, and become a productive member of society. “Get a job?” he said. “That’s racist.”
So Killer K did the next best thing. He robbed a bank.
The bank robbery went perfect. Except for killing a few people, and getting caught. But the bank had free breath mints, so Killer wasn’t so hungry. The next day, the true story was all over the newspapers. He was sent to jail despite pleadings from overweight ministers saying that Killer K was the true victim.
Killer K said, “Now that I’m in prison, I’ll have all the things I need.”
His lawyers said that he should put himself into one of the many wonderful prison rehab programs. These programs trained prisoners in important job skills.
Sadly, all of the positions that were available were too far beneath a convicted felon.
So Killer K thought, “This is a horrible way to live. This makes me want to kill even MORE people.” Then he changed his mind and said, “I should write a book. A book that will inspire children everywhere.” He sat down with his lawyers and thought about different titles.
The book was a huge success. It sold over three HUNDRED copies. In some cities, there were some people who had actually read it!! With this important accomplishment under his belt — Killer K was ready to ask the world for forgiveness. Sadly, the world was not ready to forgive. Probably because they were racist. So he got some friends together to help him ask for help.
Now the whole word knew what was happening! This made Killer K very happy. What will happen to Killer K? I’m sorry, you’ll have to buy the next book.
$6.95 at your local retailer.
**
What do you think? Sure, it’s a bit rough around the edges, and I haven’t quite worked out the ending although I’ll probably have one tonight by midnight.
that is the best children’s book ever!
I like how the stick figure art is branching out beyond Frank J. and sarahk — um, sarahj — um, sarahk-j? Come on, the rest of the IMAO team! More stick figure funny!
I think you should make a movie out of it, with crappy animation so that it will be as kewl as Southpark. See if you can get those silly Canadians to play the parts of Killer K and Whitey.
Yeah, I’m with Mountain. More stick figures.
Mountain,
I bought some crayons to do some more art, but I’ve been busy as of late with getting married and what not.
I like how everyone is bowlegged
Monkey:
I didn’t mean to make them bowlegged. They just came out that way.
So “nepo” spells “open” backwards…brilliant!
Good observation, co.
take a closer look.
🙂
I like your book! I really like the new Drudge report that announced that they are going to toast “Tookie” tonight!!! A cretin dies and liberals will burn the city down…what more can we ask for?
If the door is NEPO, shouldn’t the window be:
KNAB
‘O
YETIHW?
A classic stop motion stick animation equals fun!
Is there a Noble prize for children’s books?
‘Cause if there is I’ll nominate ya : )
I wonder if he ever dropped his soap in the shower?
I’ll take 4! Can Tookie, I mean Killer K :), play the race card with Satan? You know, whitey framed me for murder and got me sent down here.
This is terrible.
What kind of drivel are you feeding the youth of America. You try to pass this off as urban literature but you never once mentioned Denalis with spinners, crack hos, or low income housing.
Written like a true saltine.
Other than that, it had me in stitches.
Muzikdude, Hate to tell ya but he’s not a saltine. We have been known to hang out with a few, but I am not sure how much they’ve rubbed off. He is on time to places which is totally weird for someone from LA. Even when Latino.
OOps, I recall that’s a racist comment, almost as bad as “I’ve got friends who are xxx (fill in the minority.)”
Oh well, I can’t keep up. Good thing I married a duck.
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