This week, Ryan is so proud that AI beat the Olympics, Survivor, Dancing with the Stars, and all the other shows. I’m just proud that they’ll mention shows on other networks without saying “that show where everyone gets voted off, and that show where they have ‘celebrities’ that dance”, and instead actually use real names.

Simon gives himself a 10 out of 10 on last week’s judging. I give him a 9.5, because I disagreed with him on one thing. Kellie Pickler (I can feel the eyes starting to roll).

IDOLS 01… Katharine McPhee, who apparently wants to lose my vote, will be singing Stevie Wonder. Did she not get my memo that Stevie is banned on the show? Maybe she’s trying to prove that Stevie can be done well. Is she frontin’ me? I think she is! First she hearts Babs, then there’s this Stevie thing… Oooh, girrrrrl, it is ON! And they just did the whole look at me bit where they tell about her favorite AI moments. And she hearts Kellie Pickler. Apparently Kellie’s not so annoying when she’s not going on about that prisonly father of hers. UPDATE FROM LATER IN THE SHOW: Yes she really is that annoying. Anyway, so Katharine’s all like, “I heart Kellie, she’s my bestest friend 4EVER, and we’re gonna live next door to each other for all time and raise our babies together!” and she’s really thinking, “I hope I get more votes than her, because if only one of us gets this hotel room, it should be me! Me! Me!”… Oh my goodness, they are so in love with each other. Get a room!… Er, maybe that’s the problem. Oh bad SarahK, that was so distasteful. On to the singing… * yawn * I’m sorry, is it over yet? Oh no, it’s not! And it’s bad! That’s why you should always listen to your good friend SarahK. I gave you a break on the Babs thing, but no. The first half was boring, and the second half was bad. Shoulda listened to me, Katharine! Don’t try ta front me! I’m not gonna withhold her number, but I’m sad to say I’m not voting for this performance. And I really liked her until now when she tried to front me.

Well. I didn’t notice before, but Ryan bought his velvet tux jacket (that he’s wearing with jeans) at the local vintage store (or Thrift Town), and I just have to wonder about… ah, forget it, Kinnik just said she’s singing Gretchen Wilson.

IDOLS 02… Back from barfing now, I’m gonna hurl more sloppy joes (all fresh ingredients except the dried spices and the potato buns, which I didn’t make in my nonexistent bread machine) if Kinnik Sky is singing “Redneck Woman” (aka “I’m Proud to Be a Hick, H-E-doublehockeysticks Yeah”) or “When I Think About Cheating” (aka “I Really Wanted to Whine for My Next Song, And All the Diane Warren Songs Were Taken, So Here’s Something I Made Up in the Back of My Tourbus. Took Me About Four Minutes To Write.”)… You know, she’s really quite adorable in her little interview. Well, I need someone to replace Katharine for me, so step up if you can… And she’s singing “I’m Here for the Party” (aka “I’m a Skanky Drunk Hoe, Take Me Home So I Can Puke in Your Dually On the Way To Your Place”), so I’m out. Anyway, it wasn’t that good, but I love her outfit. But she really needs to pull that cowboy hat down… Much better, she felt my vibe and corrected her head topper (40 minutes later on the DVR playback).

Simon and Paula are already snipping at each other, because Paula is already halfway to Vodkaland. She loooooooove that vodka.

IDOLS 03… Lisa Tucker. She’s so adorable. But what is she wearing. A tank top yellow sweater over an orange bra or swimsuit thingy. Oh, it’s true, I’m just jealous my matronly arms would never let me get away with that. Ryan is fixing her hair, and she was in the Lion King when she was 10. She’s singing “Who’s Loving You”, and have I banned the Jackson 5 yet? If not, I officially declare it disallowed. What a boring song from such an amazing voice. There was just no range there. Blah. And Paula is disagreeing with Randy (who agrees with me), because she’s got her vodka on. I might vote for her on sheer charm.

Come ONNNN, girls, give me someone to vote for, or I’m totally dialing 9 digits and not completing the last digit, then hanging up. Indignant dialing, they call it.

IDOLS 04… Next is Melissa McGhee. She’s gonna sing Linda Ronstadt’s “Why Haven’t I Heard From You”. I’m embarrassed to say I like to sing the Ronstadt at karaoke, because she’s one of the people who taught me how to sing (can you say “When Will I-Hi Be Loved?”). So Melissa is so right about chicks in Florida wearing the flipflops all the time, though now a lot of us are really into these hideous Crocs (I heart them so!). I love her voice tone, but I would really love for her to try to get out of her comfy range a little more. Paula, listen to Simon, he’s right about you being a precocious child, except Simon, you left out the part about “completely sauced”. Completely sauced precocious child. Anyway, I agree with Simon, she’s not connecting. Great voice, not connecting. But I DO love it when they wear brown. Is purple really my favorite color, or is it secretly brown? Paula is such a parody of herself, I wonder if any of her real friends have told her so.

I’m really tired of the girls already tonight. Where’s Mandisa? (Oh yeah, singing last so we’ll stick around.) And can Taylor sing tonight just for funsies?

IDOLS 05… Heather Cox, you may go home. Go. Go. I don’t even have to hear you sing, you obviously have no respect for any of the viewers if you’re singing “Hero” by Mariah Carey. Where’s the mute button? Or a knife. A sharp one. To stab out my eardrums. Lookie there, Heather Cox held a snake when she got to Hollywood… Sleeping, stabbing eardrums, sleeping more… btw, since I’ve totally tuned her out, let’s talk about her outfit. It’s great until you get to the huge square button. NEWSFLASH (why do I have to flash news so often??): The huge square button is a huge failed bit from the ’80s, and I still remember it. I remember it and legwarmers. Do you want to wear legwarmers? No? Nobody wants to see your square button…. Anyway, she saved up everything for one big note and was flat for the note. Not impressive. Off. Paula: “Right now there’s no one hotter than Mariah Carey.” Nor more annoying, Paula. Nobody likes that screeching bat. Back to Heather, I think she’s gone after tonight.

IDOLS 06… Brenna Gethers is going to perform after the break, and my goodness, she’s wearing one of those dresses that they wear on Dancing or Skating or Strolling Down the Lane With the Stars. Bluuuuuurgh. There’s the rest of my sloppy joes. You know, I should thank the ladies, because I’m gonna be so skinny after they’re done with me. Yay for involuntary bulimia! Brenna is singing “Last Dance” by Donna Summers. Before she starts, I’ll go with “forgettable”. But it’s true what she says about posing in the mirror. I always look for the angle that makes me not have 2 chins. I only have one, but in pictures I tend to come out with multiples, so I really have to work the camera. Anyway, ADVICE FOR THE CONTESTANTS (AND I’LL KEEP GIVING IT AS LONG AS YOU NEED IT): If a song starts with a couple of taps from the hi-hat, AVOID AVOID AVOID. (Exception would be Celine Dion’s “The Power of Love”, but ONLY if you can do that whole “by your siiiiiiiide…. ’cause I’m your laadaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy” bit without taking a breath.) EGADS, I TAKE IT BACK! She’s not forgettable, she’s awful. I think she’s gone too.

IDOLS 07… Paris Bennet is next and is singing something with favor (from God apparently?). Oh bother, her song starts with a hi-hat. And it’s Bette Midler from Beaches. The Wind Beneath My Wings. Okie doke, lemme just say: Heard this song at my cousin Allan’s funeral, not a happy song for me. Nighty night… Having said that, regardless of her horrible song choice, she handled it with “favor”, though not enough to get me dialing. But SONG CHOICE SONG CHOICE SONG CHOICE. Believe me, I’ve learned from experience at many many karaoke bars (and yeah, I wear that proudly) that you can’t sing that stuff, or everyone just ignores you and calls the waitress over so they can order another batch of fried pickles. Paris Paris Paris. No more picking songs on Great-Grandma’s choice. Be sweet, and do some Billy Joel for me. (I’m only one generation ahead. Ok, bordering on 2, but I act younger than I am.)

IDOLS 08… Ayla is singing “I Want You to Need Me” by Celine Dion. I love that song, but that’s awful brave. At least she didn’t pick a safe song. Hey, Ayla, about that new makeup thing you’ve got going on. FORSAKE IT, DON’T CAKE IT. Really, natural is way better than piled on… Onto the song. She was very good again this week, but I’m partial to that song, and she didn’t butcher it, even after she changed the lyrics (a lot), so good on her. Paula ingested some of her Botox or something, because man, what makes her talk like that? Anyway, Ayla’s the first one I’m actually going to vote for tonight. Here’s to hoping there’s no Stevie Wonder or Bette Midler from her next week.

IDOLS 09… Next is Kellie Pickler, and WHOA, you should see the screen-freeze on the Tivo. She does not blink evenly. FOR THE LOVE OF PETE. She is given the spotlight to say anything she wants about American Idol, and she has chosen to talk about the spinach salad, which is liiiike pullin’ a leaf offuva bush and eatin’ it, with swallowin’ an’ everything! YET ANOTHER new experience for her. Heya, Kellie? I kin git a big bag-a spinnitch at the local Piggly Wiggly. Maybe you kin find it at yers tew! Check it out, they might evin hayuv a 99 cent sale on it! OH MY GOODNESS, I can’t believe I already spent a paragraph on the spinach, because did yew know that they caul skwiyud “calamaray”? Ayund the dawgs, they have more clothes than I do! She is baby Jessica, only no one found her at the bottom of the well. She stayed down there for 20 years until American Idol heard her singing from deep within the earth. Say, did you know they’ve got sumthin’ called a lightbulb? And the outhouse? It’s INSIDE NOW!

I don’t have the energy to talk about her performance. Woops, found it. Ok, so she’s singing “Something to Talk About” by Bonnie Raitt. How about spinach and calamari? Anyway, her hand gestures are all wrong (she does the come-here fingers when she shouldn’t), and she’s so flat on every note. Guess she shoulda crawled outta that well a little sooner!

Paula and Randy: Well, Paula’s sloshed, and Randy’s on crack. Simon is soooo wrong on this one. WHO IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH THAT OVER-THE-TOP CARTOON? Bad Simon, BAD! I almost want to vote for her, because she makes for really fun snarking. What a caricature. Someone get that girl a library card, please. I WANNA HEAR ABOUT YOUR CALAMARI.

BTW, the ladies seem to be over their gaucho pants obsession. But now, they’re all obsessed with makeup and calamari and hi-hats.

IDOLS 10… Mandisa. Redeem them, oh noble one. She played a practical joke on Ryan Seacrest right before her audition. She’s so adorable. I LOVE her. That said, SONG CHOICE: “Cry” by Faith Hill? You better do this better than Faith, or BORING… Ok, now I hear it, way better and more exciting than Faith Hill. And she did that whole “may” thing at the end like Justin Timberlake (who says “may” instead of “me”), and I totally dig that. It’s Gonna Be May! Good memories, good times. I miss ‘NSYNC. I should go pull out my “Celebrity” CD and reminisce about that El Paso concert Cynthia and I flew down for. Wait, what was I talking about?

Oh yes. I’m thinkin’ on banning Faith Hill, because they keep picking the WRONG Faith Hill songs. Next week, someone will think it’s a grand idea to sing “Breathe”, and I’ll think it’s a good idea to do the opposite.

Does anyone wanna hear about my suntan?

So the wrapup. In order of best performance tonight (I’ll vote for the * ones):

Mandisa
Ayla
Paris
Melissa
Lisa*
Katharine
Kinnik
Brenna
Heather
Kellie

My predictions on who goes: definitely Heather. I’m torn between Kinnik and Brenna (because we know that some drawl-loving sophisticates are gonna vote for Kellie despite the lovely and talented SarahK’s wishes). Brenna has the annoying cat thing going for her… Kinnik never showcases her range… I say Heather and Kinnik are going home, and Kellie’s gonna learn that peeple eet these thangs from the ocean called oysters. I have never wanted to hear about your suntan more than now.