(A Filthy Lie)
After this controversial picture of a young girl holding a stuffed puppy appeared on the CENTCOM web site, the leader of the Instapundslam religion, Imam Glenn al-Reynolds, issued a fatwa condeming the image:
“The central tenet of Instapundslam is that puppies should be blended to make potent energy drinks for the blogging faithful. It is blasphemy of the highest order to depict them in any form that is either adorable or unblended. This cuddly manifestation of our sacred power source is an affront to our beliefs. We demand an apology and the immediate pureeing of this unholy fluff-filled icon. Hmmm. Heh. Jihad. Indeed.”
Imam Glenn al-Reynolds
The heart-warming image of the loveable tot and her cherished toy has provoked uncontrolled rioting and robot-dancing world-wide by outraged Instapundslamists.
Blogger Michelle Malkin denounced the fatwa as “the fevered rantings of a power-hungry, Satan-worshipping, hobo-murdering madman”, and encouraged bloggers everywhere to protest al-Reynolds’ pronouncement by posting pictures of themselves snuggling with stuffed animals and sending a trackback to her site.
“Honestly,” said Malkin, taking a bite of a brownie made from minced kittens, “what kind of wacky religion would drink blended puppies?”
Glenn doesn’t understand…that child is proving her intentions to EAT the puppy! Glenn, open your eyes, it’s all a matter of misinterpetation…and I’m certain I’m not the FIRST to think so.
HA HA!
Being an Instapundslamist myself, I felt it necessary to amend the preconcieved notion that we are anti-cute and anti-unblended dog. The Holy C’mon states:
“Kill them, blend them where ever ye shall find them! Do it! DO IT!!!”
But it is a matter of interpretation. I am a peaceful Instapundslamist, and I am incensed that you do not instantly see things my way.
Do you have any idea how many fat men are in our culture? ANY IDEA?!?
Jihallah smite thee.
Oh, so now we have to say that Malkin minces kittens for brownies?
Is this going to mean another roundup for me each week?
Indeed.
OK, I know you’re just joking, but in Saudi Arabia, plush toys ARE banned since Q2 2003. Seriously.
At the very least, it’d be taken from her and the family fined. At worst, a couple lashes with a whip.
How f’d up is that?
OK, now living here in Knoxville Tennessee I happen to know that Imam al-Reynolds is a puppy-blendin fool. That’s what happens when you work too close to a body farm. So I wanted to find out if the rest of your story panned out.
I got out my Knoxville phone book and looked for Michelle Malkin. I didn’t find that name but I did find Miguel Malkin. I assumed the phone company just had a little typo so I called her. Much to my surprise Michelle sounded a lot like a guy. A mexican guy. But from what I have heard she is an Asian lady.
So I was asking her about her brownies made of minced kittens, and man let me tell you, she is foul mouthed. She started calling me a gringo bastard and then, what must have been spanish, she called me an effen tonto..whatever the hell that is.
I started getting a little worried when she said she had caller ID and was gonna come and cut-me-up. So I figured I better get to my point. I asked her where should I send the pictures of me cuddling with a stuffed dog. I think I made her mad. She called me Joto and hung up.
I don’t know why she was so mad. It’s not like I drew a bomb on her head or anything like that. Sheez.
Even if it were a blendable dog, shouldn’t the little girle wait till it has grown a bit before blending? That way there would be enough puppy goodness for her whole family.
Reynolds is obviously a selfish bitch.
I am incredibly disappointed in Michelle Malkin. Kittens should not be minced for the purposes of making brownies. They should be grown up, fattened, and turned into diesel fuel.
We should not be using kittens for the purposes of someone’s pleasure, not when SUV sales are suffering due to the high price of oil. Come on, the poor capitalists at GM and Ford have their stock reduced to junk status, and good Republicans like us are standing by while Michelle Malkin eats brownies made of minced kittens?
I object to the mincing of kittens. And using dead ones as fuel is way too Soylent green for my taste.
What CENTCOM failed to take into account is that these people are insulted when presented with iconic likenesses of things higer on the evolutionary ladder than themselves. If you want to make them feel more Commmmmfortable, present them with dolls the with the likenesses of things far inferior on the Darwinian scale, such as Michael Moore, Ted Kennedy or Cindy Sheehan (the latter would be hard to recognise, as it would have to be covered in the required burkah).