(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
I was tickled pink to discover that hard-core, ass-kicking US ambassador to the UN, John Bolton, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for playing a major role in exposing Iran’s secret plans to develop nuclear weapons. To bolster his chances of winning, they also included a list of his other notable achievements:
- Author of “China Shopping For Bulls – The John Bolton Guide to Diplomacy“
- During 6-party talks on North Korea’s nuclear program, shook down the other 5 parties for their lunch money
- Bolton plans to use the money to finance a mission to nuke the moon, pending the outcome of a copyright infringement suit filed by Frank J.
- Once caused a pigeon to explode in mid-air, just by looking at it.
- Kicked Paul Bunyan’s ass and founded the “Bolton’s Babe-Burgers” franchise.
- Due to lactose intolerance, had all lactoses rounded up and imprisoned at Gitmo.
- Led Lyndie England around on a leash while mocking her genitalia.
- Prefers to kill people with his bare hands so that he can look into their eyes and watch their souls leave their bodies.
- Eats newly-release souls to fuel the growth of his moustache.
- Hates working for the UN, since few of the ambassadors actually have souls.
- ‘STACHE HUNGERS!
- Successfully went in against a Sicilian when death was on the line.
- While not related to Michael Bolton, John does have a better singing voice.
- Of course, who doesn’t?
- Once made a rock so big that he himself couldn’t lift it.
- The flood waters did not recede from New Orleans quickly enough, so John Bolton drank them.
- On Halloween, witches frequently go out dressed up as John Bolton to frighten liberals.
- Plans to silence whiny California hippies by kicking the whole state right into the ocean.
- Went hunting with Dick Cheney, but used ‘stache powers to deflect the birdshot.
- Buys dead-squirrel toupees from the same store as Donald Trump
- Favorite saying: “I like you. I’ll kill you last. And by ‘last’, I mean ‘first’.”
- ‘STACHE HUNGERS!
- When his term as UN Ambassador expires in 2007, plans to decapitate all the UN delegates he hasn’t already killed so that he can at last be THE ONE and claim THE PRIZE.
- Used Kim Jong Il’s poofy head as a loofah.
- Until Captain Kirk, the Klingons had no word for “surrender”. After John Bolton, they will also have a word for “pants-wetting terror”.
Of course, they neglected his most notable accomplishment – never having mistaken an elderly lawyer for a small bird.
I think he’s actually Chuck Norris in disguise…
Maybe he’s related to Chuck Norris, and the reason they haven’t fought each other to a steely stalemate and destroyed everything in the universe in the process is because of the blood they share.
Oh, and what’s a loofah?
I believe it is a type of sponge for those who don’t aren’t fully clean ’til they’re painfully clen.
(oops) nvm the “don’t”.
and my woeful spelling.
“Successfully went in against a Sicilian when death was on the line.”
Priceless! I lol’ed for quite a while over this.
“Once made a rock so big that he himself couldn’t lift it.”
Just when I got done laughing, you had to make me start up again!
Ugh, the above comment was mine.
“Successfully went in against a Sicilian when death was on the line.”
It’s official. I have to read your blog everyday now.
Haha ha, haha ha, ha- (thud).
My favorite and apparently the faves of a lot of us. Now how geeky are we that we instantly got that quote and laughed our @$$es off at it?
Chuck Norris has a Bolton tattoo to paralyze his enemies with fear before he roundhouse kicks them where they ought to have a ‘stache.
“Successfully went in against a Sicilian when death was on the line…”
Yep… definitely my favorite… (and everyone else’s, it seems)…
Pretty sad that we all know what that means. I didn’t used to count myself as someone who could quote movies… but that one is an exception…
“No more rhymes now, I MEAN it!”
“Anybody wanna PEANUT?”
LOL… oh gosh… now I have to go home tonight and watch it.
“Successfully went in against a Sicilian when death was on the line.”
LOL!!!
“My favorite and apparently the faves of a lot of us. Now how geeky are we that we instantly got that quote and laughed our @$$es off at it?”
hehe…yeah…i got it too, ’cause i liked those funny python “holy grail” movies.. yeah… they’re hella funny with all the kights and pirates and killer rabbits and stuff…
hey, can i sit at the cool imao kids table now?…
No, because that’s the wrong movie. You lose.
Uh,would anybody be kind enough to say which movie it’s from? shuffling feet & staring woefully at floor
Alan – Don’t feel TOO bad, “The Princess Bride” is almost 20 years old by now.
If you haven’t seen it yet, consider doing so. It’s one of the most quotable movies ever produced. The dialogue is brilliant, and all the other production values are excellent as well.
Despite being quite entertaining for men, it’s also perfectly wife-friendly, so you can see it on a date if you’re looking for an excuse to watch it.
Oh, OK. Thanks, Harvey! I did see it a long while back (about 13 years ago), but I don’t remember the line. I suppose now I ought to see it again…with my gal!
Oh, OK. Thank you, Harvey- I did see it a long while back (about 13 years ago), but I don’t remember the line. I suppose now I ought to see it again…with my gal!