The other day, I saw some weird thing I didn’t understand. It was some electronic thing with blinking lights. I smashed it with a bat. You may say, “Hey, Frank, you shouldn’t have been so quick to smash that with a bat. You should have waited to find out what that was; it could have been a good thing.” To which I say, “Hey, Pollyanna, it also could have been a bad thing that could have destroyed us all. All I know for certain was that I didn’t understand it, so I smashed it with a bat. That’s my policy.” There are some things, though, that I don’t understand but am unable to smash with a bat. Like, I don’t understand why America has so many citizens. So, when I can’t understand something but also can’t smash it with a bat, I write an editorial. In a way, editorials are my bats to smash concepts I don’t understand, and, in this case, why America has so many citizens is the electronic thing with blinky lights that needs to be smashed.
Do you know how many citizens America has? Hundreds of millions. That’s a lot of people. To put it in a concept easier to grasp, think of one man standing in an auditorium. Now, think of a hundred million times that. And think of some of them as Mexican. That’s scary!
Every day, the best and brightest of other countries come to America to be citizens, but, at the same time, we don’t throw out our worst and dumbest. Why? Well, everyone who is born in America gets citizenship automatically. I know; it’s not like being born is such an accomplishment (well, it’s a bit harder since Roe v. Wade), but, still, that’s all you have to do and you’re here forever even if you’re a moron and you suck. That’s not right. Everyone should have to prove his or her citizenship.
Of course, I would easily get citizenship. I work hard, I am super-smart, and I know how to use firearms; I’m the model every citizen should follow. I’m even working on making robots to pick fruit so we don’t need illegal aliens to do that. So far, they all eventually go on murderous rampages, but, with each revision, I get a longer period of non-murderous fruit-picking. Anyway, I could not understand how anyone could think I should not be a citizen. In fact, I would smash such a person with a bat.
So, smart people who design fruit-picking robots should be citizens, but smelly hippies who whine about America should not. For each immigrant we take, we should deport at least three hippies. Other countries may not like us forcing them to take our wretched refuse, but that’s why we have a whole military designed to kill foreigners. They can make countries like whatever we want them to like.
So let’s make a better country by being more discriminate about our citizens. First thing, let’s revoke everyone’s citizenship, including especially Congress’s. Then, everyone has to prove their worth or be deported to whatever country we’re currently bullying. It may not be Constitutional, but the Supreme Court will have their citizenship revoked too, so the point is moot.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Making Robots Less-Murderous: A Beginner’s Guide to Robot Design” and “Smashing Hamlet with a Bat: A Guide to Shakespeare from Someone Who Didn’t Understand It”.
Excellent! Also, let’s deport all governors, state representatives, local mayors. I’d also vote on getting our hands on a copy of the democratic party’s registration lists and deporting anyone that is on the list…we can leave the dead ones and the ones that are in prison here, I guess. Good stuff Frank! Let’s get to deprtin’ and stop talkn’ bout it!
Here’s another rule we can add on this idea: anyone who supports gun control in any manner won’t be eligible to regain their citizenship until AFTER the rest of us have had a chance to repeal all their stupid gun control laws (if at all). I bought a .45 on Saturday, and I have to wait until next Tuesday before I can take it home. Stupid California polititians.
This worries me slightly…I mean I support kicking out REALLY useless people like hippies and welfare mothers, but if people like them go, I won’t have anymore people that don’t pay their bills and then I, as a collections agent, don’t have a job, which might be construed as being useless. Granted, I have been known to write some really steamy adult fiction, but is that something the conservative base would embrace?? Here’s hoping!!
Good ideas from the U.S.S. Jimmy Carter. I was going to recommend lawyers, but the vast majority of them are covered by the Democratic party’s registration lists. The same goes for San Franciscans; if we kick them out, we won’t need to build the really cool wall of fire between San Francisco and Daly City/Pacifica/Brisbane, although we should probably do it anyway, because it would be so cool.
Can we revoke the puppy blender’s citizenship? He just tricked me into clicking on a link to KOS. If that isn’t some kind of federal crime, it should be.
I think we should keep a couple senators around. We could chain them up, put them in tights and make them Frank’s court jesters.
DANCE TEDDY! DANCE!!
I don’t want to see Big Fat Teddy K in tights. And I know he’s a congressman, not a senator, but me thinks Barney Frank might enjoy the chains just a bit too much.
Is there any chance that the robots could be revised so that when they go on murderous rampages they solely kill hippies and whiny liberals. If they could do this efficiently the issue of too many citizens would take care of itself. You could even make some of the robots look like Mexicans, simply by placing a sombrero on them. This would turn many whiny liberals against the “No Juan left Behind” amnesty program and still leave an adequate number of liberal monkies to punch in the face.
i’m with RAH; citizenship should only be given to those who have served society first! (peoples like joe foo’)
voting should also be restricted to
a) veterans
b) property owners
c) employers
let’s start a voting reform act of 2006!
Can I be frank, Frank? You brought up the “Mexican” angle in your citizenshio editorial. As a Floridian, I am sure you are aware that Jeb!s wife Columbine is a Mexican. I wonder if she’s a citizen, or just cleaning the Governor’s Mansion at reduced rates and sleeping with Jeb!? So with Dubya going south on the border issue and people pimping Jeb! for president, we could have a defacto Mexican First Lady in the White House! If she had all her relatives move in with her and Jeb! we could see an even larger number of mexicans streaming into America, along with the graffiti on the walls, and little statues and altars of the Virgin May all over the rose garden! Wake up America, and remember the Ala mode!
There you go, Frank! Since Mexico is exporting the worst and dumbest to the U.S., I say we export all the hippies, liberals and welfare trash to Mexico! If we did, who would be left to vote against laying a full blown military line to keep them from getting back into America?!?!
Let’s be frank, Frank. What if the electronic blinky thing was an emissary from a planet inhabited by beings with more intelligence and really, really BIG friggin guns? I just hope they could be appeased by offerings of hippies or Sen. McCain or Mexican robots for desert. But your right about being born, I don’t even remember it. How hard can it be?
Hey! Captamerica used my frankFrank thing while I was typing! He probably has an illegal alien (non-blinky type)Secratary who types real fast!
My bad
Actually I have one of Frank’s prototype illegal mexican robots that will do secretarial work that Americans will not do. “Consuelo! Go get my dry cleaning, anedel!”
But if we restricted the vote to veterans, property owners, and employers, then we would be disenfranchising me!
Bah. If a thousand good for nothing hippies are prevented from voting for every penniless cowardly genius like me, I’ll go along with it.
Make all the ballots write-in too. It’s not fair to give people a list of names to pick from. If you can’t remember for yourself the name of a good candidate for a particular office, you have no business voting for it.
Interesting concept. I’ve linked to you here: http://consul-at-arms.blogspot.com/2006/06/re-america-has-too-many-citizens.html