People are always telling me, “Hey, Allah, you should write another book. All the books you’ve written before were very popular; I’m not sure if anyone actually read the whole megillah, but everyone has to have one.” It’s not like I’m out to make some gelt, though, and I thought I already wrote everything I need to say. Plus, it’s not like I have the time to write; if you could even understand how much I have to do each day, you’d plotz. Still, I thought it would be a real good chochmeh to write a column to go over a few points since so many people seem to have some facacta ideas these days.
So, the other day, I’m watching over things, and everything is going well until some deli gets blown up. And I’m all ferklempt. What’s happening here? Some poor schlemazel stops in for a nosh and he gets blown up for that? And the Palestinian noodniks are kvelling over this? Oy! So the schmendrick responsible blew himself up too, and he’s smiling like it’s some real koontz he just did. So I ask, “What’s wrong with you?”
An know what he says? He says he thought I wanted this. Oy Gevalt! So I ask him what meshungina told him I wanted all this tumul. He tells me, “Mohammed.”
Mohammed! Like that’s some help. There are so many Mohammeds these days that even I have trouble keeping track. I need this like I need a loch in kopp. So I tell him to draw me picture of this particular Mohammed so I know exactly what schlemiel we’re talking about.
And he say no! Can you believe that chutzpah? The one true God asks him for a little doodle, and he says no. Then I finally realize what Mohammed he’s talking about, the one with the real pisk on him. Oy Veyzmir! I warned that groyse macher when he wrote his Koran to be careful, because people are going to take that thing seriously. But did he listen? Now all these people are running around with these cacamaimey ideas that they can get 72 virgins by blowing themselves up on buses. What? Are they so furblungit they think I have the playboy mansion up here? That I’m going to say to them, “Mazel tov on blowing up that preschool. Now here are some shikses for you to fool around with.”
I don’t want to kibbutz, but some of these Muslim boychiks seem a bit sexually frustrated. What these nebbishes need to do is change out of those shmatas their wearing, clean the schmootz off their faces, not act like some chazzer, and meet some gezuntah moyyd. They have to get over this killing everybody idea, because that is not going to impress the women if that’s what they want.
Now, these Muslims can be some nice people. They pray five times a day, and I’m always telling people, “Hey, you need to pray more. And, while you’re at it, call your mother. She wants to hear from you too.” I don’t quite get the facing Mecca part, but you have to face something, I guess. Just remember who you’re praying to; Mecca may have its own McDonalds, but it didn’t create the universe.
Anyway, I’d rather some of these Muslim noodniks focus a bit less on the praying and a bit more on the not killing. It’s not only bad for those involved, but it’s certainly not making me look good. What’s this shtick about blowing up some nice people and then shouting, “Allah ackbar!”? Hok me a chinik! Yeah, I know I’m great, but know who’s not so great? You schmucks. So enough with the blowing people up already.
Allah is the one true God and also the author of such books as the Torah and numerous science fiction stories for young adults.
Frank, I hope you’re ready for some illogical hatemail and a fatwah. Post it here if/when you get any 🙂
Why no picture? I like a good riot.
now, this is what I call taking a stand… Bravo!
Oh my dear Frank J, I think James said it right. If the Islamofacists hear about this one, you will seem to be in deep doodoo, buddy.
I think you need to set up a phone tree to contact us in the event you and Sarah need a quick defensive army. I don’t own a gun to shoot with but I’m a pretty fair shot with a Composite Longbow so count me in!
KEEHAA!!(ChickenHawk version of OOO-HA!)
I can shoot a nickel off of a camel’s ass at 500 meters – and I have lots of guns. I got your back so keep ’em coming. If that won’t work, I know a couple of guys who can drop a 2000 lb guided bomb through the outhouse window of the local immam. We’ll hook you up.
but I’m not hostile
FrankJ, you da man! That was freakin hillarious. Like the others, I got your back. I’m not a supreme marksman, but you wouldn’t want me shooting at you…Then again is there anybody that you’d want shotting at you?
I agree, that was a freakin’ riot!!!
Most excellent, Frank. Let’s watch & hear them seethe at the notion that Allah is actually Hebrew. If they hated you before, they’ll want your head for sure now.
Let ’em try… but watch your back anyway.
Laurence, did you steal Frank’s logon again?
Laurence was used as a consultant for this post.
Frank, dont tell the islamomonkeys that! Now they have more reason to blame the jews. It’s a conspiracy, afterall.
My friend in Iran asked me to pass this along to you:
“JIHAD JIHAD JIHAD JIHAD JIHAD
EEEIEIEIEEEIIIEIEIEIEEIIEEIIIEEIIIIIEEEEEIIIIEIIIIIEIIIEIIIEEEEEEIIIII!!!”
PS: There was also something about a “fatwa” whatever that is…
I wanted a picture!
As the one ture Homer would say….
MMMMMMM….Sacrahilarious.
Good show Frank. I have no guns, but will be glad to help send the lawyers and money if the sh*t does hit the fan.
Excellent work! Don’t worry, Frank J. We’ll protect you… Not that you really need it. 🙂
Frank hurry and copyright this before Dan Brown steals it for “Da Vinci Code 2: Back to the Middle Ages”
I thought we just couldn’t draw pictures of the blood-thirsty psychopathic pedophile. You mean we can’t have pictures of his father, Satan, either?
Dang, and I finally got the pitchfork looking just right….
Allah is the one true God and also the author of such books as the Torah and numerous science fiction stories for young adults.
I think that he wrote one or two of the VBA and C++ programming manuals that I sometimes have resort to, as well.
Science fiction? Well “The Brave Old World” can still be read at IMAO.Stick to your guns Frank.Live free or die is still the motto we should live by.
Frank, not that you need it but I got your six. If it comes to it I’ll stand in front of you. They will have to go through me to get you. They won’t beat up me as a cripple. (o.k. they will but it will give you more time to get your guns.) I bid you and yours peace love and understanding.
all the best,
Martin “Ceann Rua” Corbett
Excellent. Minor point though. It’s kibbitz not kibbutz. Unless you really didn’t want to farm collective.
I didn’t know that babblefish had Yiddish.
I’m excellent on the combat pistol range with my 1911-A1, so bring those monkey-lovin’ bastards on!
For some reason, in my head, Allah sounds a lot like Dr. Zoidberg.
I only understood every other word.