The United States of America has a huge problem with illegal immigration. Many say this is the fault of America for being so super awesome that everyone wants in. This is a valid criticism. The current proposal to handle the problem is to build a wall along the Mexican border. Of course, natural selection means we’ll then cause a new breed of super-Mexicans to evolve and jump over the wall. They will not only do the jobs Americans are unwilling to do, they will do the jobs we are physically incapable of. So, what is the solution? Some say we should deport all the illegal immigrants here now, but there are millions making that infeasible. Others say we should let anyone in who wants to be here, but then we lose our border and finally our sovereignty and national security. The only real compromise I can see is to destroy all of Mexico.
I know many of you are thinking “Isn’t destroying Mexico the same thing as amnesty?” Since Mexicans in our country would now have no where to be deported to, they would effectively get amnesty. But, we could be sure they will be loyal to America since they have no other country to be loyal to. Why do marches with a flag of a non-existent country? Also, having utterly destroyed Mexico leaving nothing but murky water filled with radioactive sharks, we could be sure no more illegal immigration will come from the south. Thus, both sides get something they want: the pro-illegal immigration is assured that Mexicans who came here just to better their families get to stay, and the anti-illegal-immigration people get to know that no more dirty Mexicans will be flowing into the country.
You’re probably now wondering how much will this innovative solution cost? Well, the cost of the nuclear weapons needed to completely obliterate Mexico will be more than the cost of the wall, but, those are resources we own now and have already paid for. Others, especially illegal-alien sympathizers, may worry how many innocent Mexicans will die because of this. The answer is none, because no Mexicans are innocent in my mind. Still, we will give Mexico warning, and station our troops on our border so the Mexicans are forced to flee to Venezuela… or whatever is south of them. Check a map yourself, I’m busy.
Now, unfortunately, this solution will not work for any border problems we have with Canada. While Mexico only produces burritos and tequila Mexican alcohol and clay pots – things we can get plenty of here in America – Canada has oil, something we can never have too much of. Instead, we’ll simply have to intimidate them into bowing to our will. I suggest bombing their places of worship – maples trees and hockey rinks – until they surrender. Many of them are French, so surrender is in their blood and they’ve probably been dying to capitulate to us for years.
Thus, we see the solution to our problem of illegal immigration is as simple as bombing the crap out of one of our neighbors. This compromise will let hard working Mexicans stay with no worries of being deported while making sure we no longer have anymore influx of illegals. Thus, everyone is happy, and, as with all my plans, there is no downside. So write your Congressman and let’s get a bipartisan commission working on this right away.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “How Many Countries Is Too Many?” and “The History of the Burrito: How the Tortilla Wrapped Delicacy Was Stolen from the Irish by Thieving Mexicans and How the Irish Forgot About It Due to Heavy Drinking”.
Frank,as I wear my Nuke the Moon T-shirt I love the idea, but how about this instead?
“out of Iraq,into Mexico!” besides why Iraq they can’t even spell right(where’s the U?)
Bob
Bobnormal-
Forgive me if my memory is faulty on this, but wasn’t “Enforcing the proper rules of grammar” one of the 23 reasons for invading Iraq?
just bomb Quebec … and Ottawa, and maybe Toronto. Western Canada has been pro-US basically forever, it’s the east that is reminiscent of New York City and Kkkalifornia.
Before we bomb Mexico out of existance, we should at least make an attempt to truck some millions of the illegal aliens in that direction … after all, there are as many criminals as “hard working” illegals … and we have enough criminals of our own.
Let me be the first one to say I am 100% behind this idea. I have been saying this for years.
Turning Mexico in to the largest DMZ in history is def something I can support.
Now if only our leaders would have to say or do what we are all thinking.
This is the best idea. Ever.
no bombing of hockey rinks, or you will be denied sex forever!
“Also, having utterly destroyed Mexico leaving nothing but murky water filled with radioactive sharks, we could be sure no more illegal immigration will come from the south.”
Ooooh can we attach lasers to their heads???
Why not just move our border south like Polk wanted to do 150+ years ago? We occupied Mexico City once before. It’s a win-win situation – the Mexicans get to live in a America without even having to move. They get classified as a territory rather than a state, so their representation in Congress is limited. We get their resources; they have to start paying taxes (no more golden parachute of “deportation” – screw up now, and you go to jail.) Everybody wins!
I’m sorry, Frank, but I can’t get behind this idea… Why? Radioactive mutants!
I don’t care how many bombs we drop on Oxasaueaxau (or however the hell they spell it, would someone teach them Mexicans decent English?), a few Mexicans will survive and, of course, having been pelted by gamma rays (or thetons or something, hey, I’m no scientist, I got all of this from comic books) will undoubtedly develop super powers.
Now, what’s worse than a bunch of foreigners marching in your streets demanding that you forgive them for crimes they committed for no better reason than they say you should? I’ll tell you… A bunch of foreigners doing all of that with some guy named Juan who can bend steel with his bare hands and who can maybe even eat burritos and excrete tequila (or some other Mexican drink like that cervantes I hear so much about.)
No, I don’t think nuking Mexico is a good idea because if we did, in three years we would have 13 million illegals and a handful of super-illegals. It would be like haveing the Fantastic Quatro running around the USA.
NO thanks!
“…because no mexicans are innocent in my mind.” Brilliant.
I love your suggestions, Frank. I do have one point of contention, however that needs clarification. Mexicans would seem to me to be anti-Homo being into the machismo thing and all–Canadians would appear to be pro-Homo being–well–Canadian and all so would this perspective grant Mexico a reprieve from nuking and would it make Canada more nukable? Just wondering–
I object!
Frank your being unreasonable. A little discretion is called for. Nuking all of Mexico is much more than necessary to stop the immigration problem. My prior suggestion to nuke just Juarez would be quite sufficient scare the piss out of the Mexicans, and stop the flood of immigrants. Juarez is the bung hole of the entire Western Hemisphere anyway. Besides, nuking the whole country would cause too much fallout.
Shame be on you Frank, for such a callous display of unnecessary violence and bigotry. Shame be on you Frank, for thinking such awful things. May the detritus of a thousand monkeys be flung in your general direction!
Nuking Juarez would create severe unemployment problems for entertainment industry donkeys.
Now that we have come to an agreement on the “mexican problem” now may be we can finaly focus on the greater, whiter, problem. I am of course talking about canadiEns.
I dont to this day understand why this so called country (canada) exists. I mean… what do they do? Other of course than emberass us to no end.
Come on legal pot smoking and gay marriage? Whats next a terrorist sanctuary? or a draft dodger memorial?
I say we send one tank in to the capital of canada (Toronto, no its not ottowa that is what they want you to beleive) and we bring that god forsaken land something they need more than mapple syrup and beavers, American Democracy.
Giovanni, I agree…we here in Minnesota are plagued with the Canadian scourge pouring accross our border taking jobs that we Minnesotans won’t do (waiter at the Gay 90’s for example) and they keep dumping their stoopid currency into our local exchange which makes the quarter worth as much as a steel slug up here in the cities…
Oh, but we could nuke Canada. We just have to take the proper steps and let logic guide us.
1) Recall that illegal immigrants do the jobs Americans don’t want to do (can I get an AMEN!?).
2) Nuke Canada.
3) Send in illegal immigrants to harvest the oil. They’ll do it if the translation is, er, loose.
4) Watch the illegals die of radiation sickness. Mmmm, oil.
5) Nuke Mexico.
Ta-da! We’ll be surrounded by DMZs!
The REAL Mexican national anthem, to the tune of “Himno Nacional”
“Mexicanos, al grito de dinero,
preparar a cruzar la frontera,
y asemblen en los centros de campesinos,
para chingar a la sociedad americana.”
Doesn’t Mexico have oil too?
Go easy on Canada, there’s a lot of French descended folks up there and any group that invented the blow job can’t be all bad!
I knoo eet! I knoo eet! I tolt everyjuan dat chu were gonieeng to do dese. First chu blowed up Mexico reel good, den chu move furder sout. And doan forget Boosh es de debil! Oh. by de whey, chu can have more free heating oil for all dee commies in harlem.
Lets take a page from history. Hire all of the illegals to build pyramids in the desert. Once the pyramids are complete, fill them with the illegals and seal them shut. No radiation, no illegals and we incorporate Mexico as South California and South Texas.
What about the radiation and the fallout and the glavening over the harf-harf naven…oh the heat and the pain of the skin falling off…
USSJC- how do you like the cold weather in MN? 32° F this morning! Snow tomorrow, depending on location.
We don’t have to nuke Mexico. Just get them to start buying American Spinach and Lettuce. No muss no fuss.
Still a sterling idea Frank and SarahK way to go sister. I like your style.
We live up here where it gets cold because it keeps all the smelly hippies and dirty mexicans out…too bad about all the monkey faces…
Can you imagine?
A world with no hippies… Oh, do I dare dream?
Unfortunately, we need to keep hippies around as part of our strategic petroleum reserve. I’d suggest rounding them all up and putting them in storage at ANWR, except that would really by an environmental disaster. If one of those dreadlocks lands in the Arctic Ocean, the slick will go for hundreds of miles.
Where can I get a copy of that book, “The History of the Burrito”???
That one sounds truly Deeeelish! (with a side of salsa).