You may have heard of Michelle Malkin’s “I Am John Doe” project, where people are asked to get onboard with the John Doe manifesto – which puts Muslim terrorists on notice that Americans will be watching them carefully and will be taking them down hard if they even LOOK like they’re going to try any splodey-dope crap.
Personally, I don’t think they deserve any notice, because then they won’t get that hilarious, fish-faced surprised look when they suddenly discover they’re getting the crap kicked out of them, but Michelle’s aways been soft on terrorism like that.
Anyway, here’s the manifesto:

Dear Muslim Terrorist Plotter/Planner/Funder/Enabler/Apologist,
You do not know me. But I am on the lookout for you. You are my enemy. And I am yours.
I am John Doe.
I am traveling on your plane. I am riding on your train. I am at your bus stop. I am on your street. I am in your subway car. I am on your lift.
I am your neighbor. I am your customer. I am your classmate. I am your boss.
I am John Doe.
I will never forget the example of the passengers of United Airlines Flight 93 who refused to sit back on 9/11 and let themselves be murdered in the name of Islam without a fight.
I will never forget the passengers and crew members who tackled al Qaeda shoe-bomber Richard Reid on American Airlines Flight 63 before he had a chance to blow up the plane over the Atlantic Ocean.
I will never forget the alertness of actor James Woods, who notified a stewardess that several Arab men sitting in his first-class cabin on an August 2001 flight were behaving strangely. The men turned out to be 9/11 hijackers on a test run.
I will act when homeland security officials ask me to “report suspicious activity.”
I will embrace my local police department’s admonition: “If you see something, say something.”
I am John Doe.
I will protest your Jew-hating, America-bashing “scholars.”
I will petition against your hate-mongering mosque leaders.
I will raise my voice against your subjugation of women and religious minorities.
I will challenge your attempts to indoctrinate my children in our schools.
I will combat your violent propaganda on the Internet.
I am John Doe.
I will support law enforcement initiatives to spy on your operatives, cut off your funding, and disrupt your murderous conspiracies.
I will oppose all attempts to undermine our borders and immigration laws.
I will resist the imposition of sharia principles and sharia law in my taxi cab, my restaurant, my community pool, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and all public spaces.
I will not be censored in the name of tolerance.
I will not be cowed by your Beltway lobbying groups in moderate clothing. I will not cringe when you shriek about “profiling” or “Islamophobia.”
I will put my family’s safety above sensitivity. I will put my country above multiculturalism.
I will not submit to your will. I will not be intimidated.
I am John Doe.

Not much to argue with there.
Not suprisingly, Chris Kelly of the Huffington Post’s reaction was to fisk the pledge with the sort of graceless, ham-fisted, inept unfunniness that one has come to expect from the unhinged left.
What did surprise me (and maybe it shouldn’t have) was that he didn’t offer a better alternative.
So, as a bi-partisan outreach to conscience-impaired, morally-crippled, leftist humor-tards, I offer a pledge they can get behind without – as is sadly but consistently true – a second thought.

Dear Muslim Freedom Fighter/Patriot/Hero/Martyr/Brother,
You do not know me. But I act as lookout for you. You are my friend. And I am yours.
I am Huff Po.
I am flying my private plane. I am riding in my limosine. I have never ridden a bus. And the subway? Feh. That’s for the little people. I am living in a gated community. I always use the VIP entrance. We’ll probably never actually meet unless you’re holding the door for me.
I am your flag-burner. I am your effigy-hanger. I am your high-calorie hunger-striker. I am your unshaven documentary-maker.
I am Huff Po.
I will never forget the example of the thoughtless, disruptive passengers of United Airlines Flight 93, and how racist it was of them not to just sit back on 9/11 and let the brave Muslims land the plane safely after the pilot… fell unexpectedly ill.
I will never forget those stupid, racist passengers and crew members who tackled the unfairly-accused, alleged “al Qaeda shoe-bomber” Richard Reid on American Airlines Flight 63 before he had a chance to explain that he was just using that match to find a dropped contact lens in the darkness by his feet. Perfectly understandable. Happens all the time.
I will never forget the racist over-reacting of actor James Woods, who pointlessly pestered a stewardess, claiming that several Arab men sitting in his first-class cabin on an August 2001 flight were behaving strangely. Sure, the men turned out to be 9/11 hijackers on a test run, but come ON! It was only a TEST! Who freaks out over a TEST?
I will march with a “Bush = Hitler” sign when Homeland Security officials ask me to “report suspicious activity”. That’ll show those Brownshirts!
I will mock my local police department’s admonition “If you see something, say something”. Yeah, I see something… a Nazi goon in a blue uniform!
I am Huff Po.
I will applaud your Zionist-conspiracy-hating, American-imperialism-bashing scholars.
I will donate to your misunderstood mosque leaders as reparations for the injustices your people suffered during the Crusades.
I will raise my voice against the subjugation of your women and religious minorities to greedy American corporate interests like Halliburton and Wal-Mart.
I will embrace your attempts to educate my children with your wisdom and different truths in our schools. YAY! Diversity!
I will link to your cool YouTube videos of American mercenaries getting what’s coming to them.
I am Huff Po.
I will protest law enforcement initiatives to spy on your innocent tourists, cut off the meager funding that allows you to obtain food and medicine for your children, and disrupt the excercise of your bomb-related freedom of speech.
I will build tunnels under our borders and donate my lawyer’s time if you run afoul of America’s oppressive immigration laws.
I will eventually consult a dictionary about this “Sharia” thingy of yours, but right now I’m just too busy speechifying on the perils of global warming in my limo, charity dinners, DNC fund-raising pool-parties, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and outside the President’s ranch.
I will silence any cruel, right-wing criticism that might offend you. Mean-spiritedness is NOT free speech.
I will call in a few favors to assist your Beltway lobbying groups in moderate clothing so that they may air their many legitimate grievances. I will be right next to you shrieking “profiling” or “Islamophobia” if you don’t get your way. Or maybe “Bush = Hitler”. Man, I can NEVER get enough of that one!
I will put sensitivity above all else. Above safety, my family, my country, multiculturalism… No, wait… not that last one.
I will do whatever you want me to. Because I’m your friend. And I know you would never hurt me.
I am Huff Po.
Hey! What’s with that explosive vest?

Pass it on.