A lot of people take politics really seriously. They’re like, “If Obama gets elected or McCain gets elected and lets all the illegal immigrants in America, the world is going to end!” That’s stupid. The way the world is going to end is if it gets hit by an asteroid. With everyone worrying about the stupid election, I don’t think anyone is paying attention to the asteroids. One could hit us tomorrow and that’s like it. We’re all dead. Are the candidates talking about asteroids? No. They’re talking about the economy and gas prices. Well, that’s not going to help us. Doesn’t matter if we have a lot of money; you can’t bribe an asteroid. And I don’t know what you’ll do with gas to try and stop the asteroid except maybe coat it in it and set it on fire — which will just get you a big flaming asteroid which is even worse.
Right now, the asteroids are hiding out between Jupiter and Mars plotting and planning and making their physics calculations on exactly how to launch themselves to hit us. If we want to stop them, we need a plan. Hundreds of years ago, the asteroids killed the dinosaurs. Know why? They didn’t have a plan. We’re going to be different.
And the plan is not going to be, “Let’s just shoot the asteroid and blow it up.” This isn’t some videogame; you can’t stop rock by shooting it. It’s not a gorilla. And if you did play the videogame, you’ll know that even if you succeed, you’ll just turn the asteroid into multiple smaller asteroids which are just as deadly. We need a smart plan to stop the asteroids.
I got one. Here’s what we’ll do: We’ll paint Mars blue. The asteroids will see Mars, think it’s us, and hit it instead. It’s simple and it will work. So you’re asking, “Why not paint Venus? It’s the same size and should make a more convincing Earth.” That’s idiotic. For one thing, it’s super-hot there, so how the hell do you plan on painting it? Also, it’s further away from the asteroid belt than us, so the asteroids will see the real Earth before seeing the decoy Earth. Painting Venus is a truly idiotic plan. You’re disgustingly stupid for even suggesting it. This is why I sometimes think of just giving up blogging because I just can’t deal with people as stupid as you are.
So anyway, we’re painting Mars blue. And before you think, “Won’t that be like a million trip to the paint-mixer at Lowe’s?” realize that it doesn’t all have to be like the perfectly same shade of blue. We can take all the blues they have ready on the shelf and maybe even some greens. Asteroids don’t have great eyesight; Mars just has to look bluish. The next thing you may be wondering is, “Since Mars is red, won’t painting it blue just make it purple?”
Oh crap. You’re right. I’m so stupid! Why didn’t I think of that? What do you mix red with to get blue? I don’t think you can mix anything to red to get blue. Crap. I guess we could prime it first, but that would take way too long. And you have to wait a couple hours after priming it for it to dry. The asteroids will get us by then. That’s not going to work.
Great. Now we’re all going to die from asteroids hitting us because I can’t come up with a plan. And it’s up to me to come up with a plan. I’m the only one paying attention to this. Just look at Instapundit; he’s talking about the economy and Obama — things that are completely worthless when you get hit by an asteroid. And when did his URL change? Doesn’t matter. We’re dead. An asteroid is going to come and–
Oh! I have an idea! We’ll need to make some giant rockets near the equator. Maybe in Ecuador, because I think that’s near the equator because it’s name kinda sound like equator. Anyway, we don’t have time to check that; get over to Equador and start building rockets which will have their exhaust pointing straight up into the sky. People in Ecuador probably don’t understand about things like asteroids, so if they ask you what you’re doing, just say, “Not building giant rockets, so shut up and stop bothering me.” You might have to say it in Spanish, because I think it’s what they speak there. Again, we don’t have time to check.
Anyway, when we see an asteroid is about to hit us, we wait until Earth rotates so that the rockets are in the proper position and then we fire them up, propelling Earth even faster around its path around the sun moving it out of the way of the asteroid. I guess we’d have to know about the asteroid a day in advance to make sure we have time for the rockets to get in position. We could reduce that time by having rockets on the opposite side of the Earth too. I’m not sure where that would be. Maybe Mongolia. Again, we don’t have time to check. Just get over there and start building rockets. Watch out for Mongols.
While this should work, know that when we have to use it, we’re going to lose some days that year by having moved Earth further around its revolution. I’m not sure how that will affect the economy or TV schedules if we lose some days out of the year. Around the end of the year, we’ll be like, “Shouldn’t we have a few more days left this year?” But no, the year will already be over.
So, there will be problems, but we won’t be hit with asteroids… unless one comes at us to trick us into firing our rockets launching us into the path of another. Do asteroids plan together like that? If they do, I’m not sure what we can do. Crap. I guess this is why people ignore asteroids: It’s just too much to deal with. You’ll go crazy.
Those fiendish asteroids have even made a t-shirt detailing their plans!
I’m more worried about the monkeys.
you can’t bribe an asteroid
You can in Cook County. You can bribe anything in Cook County.
You can probably do it in San Francisco, too, but you pay in perverse sexual acts rather than currency there.
Exactly, and this is why Al Gore is proposing an “asteroid tax.” Any good liberal will tell you that the only real way to fight any problem facing America is by creating a new tax. That’ll stop those damn asteroids.
Don’t worry Frankj, Canadians to the rescue!!!!
I bet a dollar that’s the first time that sentence have ever been written. (With any name inserted where FrankJ is).
I mean, someone might have written, “Canadian Mounties to the rescue” or “Mark Steyn to the rescue”, but that’s about it.
The Equador plan is perfect. I could lose acouple of day to get through all the crappy re runs on T.V. I need to know what the Girls on Wisteria lane are up to. And What happened to Mike???
According to Kepler’s laws regarding the conservation of angular momentum, increasing the orbital velocity of the earth will corresondingly increase the radius vector. A year, defined as the length of time required to orbit the sun, will stay the same.
Otherwise the plan is solid, it’s a solid plan.
After further thought on this subject, my feelings regarding the asteroids have changed. Yes, I have Obama’d. The asteroids want to kill all of us, including our most innocent women and children, apparently reveling in the atrocities they will commit.
That would fall under our present national policy regarding those who wish to kill us or at the very least trample on our laws and national soveriegnty: So, we must embrace the asteroids, giving them special rights and ensuring that anyone that might offend the asteroids is immediately discredited. The more irrational the asteroids become, the more we must denegrate our own culture in an attempt to appease them. Does anyone know if there is an asteroid “language” that can be printed on all cans of Green Giant corn?
‘The next thing you may be wondering is, “Since Mars is red, won’t painting it blue just make it purple?”‘
If you’d buy good paint from stores like mine instead of cheap crap from Lowes or Home Depot, the blue would actually cover the red in one coat and you’d have nothing to worry about!!!
Of Course the Canadians are looking for asteriods. The fiendish asteroids already got them 13000 years ago.
http://www.spaceref.com/news/viewpr.html?pid=25852
They’ve just been laying low so we’ll let our guard down.
The Canadians are hunting for asteroids?
“Be vewwy, vewwy quiet.”
Ahh! The atmosphere!
We just need to build a giant space umbrella made entirely out of Tucks medicated pads. That’ll provide some relief from their impending attack.
Wait. What? What do you mean, “wrong ‘roids”?!
This isn’t some videogame; you can’t stop rock by shooting it.
Which is why we need an enormous paper net covering the earth’s atmosphere. You can’t stop rock by shooting it, but everybody knows paper beats rock.
Just pray the asteroids don’t have access to scissors. ‘Cuz if they come at us with scissors, I won’t know what to do. Except maybe suggest “best two out of three.”
Ok, but definitely the wrong perspective. Here’s why. If you’re ass is grass, worrying about it is passe as you won’t be here to do so.
But an election? That is something one feels one has control over.
That’s what makes the difference.
I think you may be able to solve the Economy while you’re at it. What is the single-most expensive entity in the country? The Government! So when you fire your rockets and move us several days into the future you reduce the number of days the government needs to operate this year, saving us….gajillions! In fact, just leave those rockets on, baby! Speed up this year and you’ll save us mega-gajillions AND hurry us past that stupid election thingie.
Your frickin’ geniusnessitude knows no bounds, man! I am unworthy!
Actually the asteroid problem was solved by an off shore oil drilling crew headed up by John Mclane who was heard to say “Yippee kiy yay, Mutherf–ker!” as he launched the nuclear missle at it.
This was a much better resolution than that dumba$$ morgan freeman movie where they let the asteroid crash into the earth and only bothered to rescue hollyweird’s skewed version of their “best and brightest” ie:useless libtard f–kers comparable to the phone cleaners in the HGTTG series.
I will save us all through unconditional talks with the asteroids. Your plan to save us through direction action will only serve to anger our asteroid masters!
I howled.
The Asteroids have been called out!
Hello. You don’t paint mars blue, you paint earth red. The asteroids will be so confused they’ll just keep going. Honestly, sometimes I wonder why I even bother.
Think, dammit, think! Think think think. The asteroids don’t want to hit Earth, they want to hit us, the people. If instead of demolishing our old buildings we send them to Mars instead, the asteroids will be like “oh sh*t, they’ve moved!” And they’ll strike Mars instead! I’ve heard asteroids are dumb like that.
yours/
peter.
I promise that, as your president, I will do absolutely nothing about the asteroid menace.
(I’m saving that one for when it comes up in the debates)
RR Ryan is right.Red is ‘flyover’ country,but we still need to paint Mars BLUE.
I’m with # 17–just call Bruce Willis. He solved the asteroid problem last time.
A plan is not enough, nor is process(aka planning), nor is an unusually strong condemnation by the UN.
We must ask ourselves, why do they hate us?
I believe the asteroids want the Black Stone returned, and we will need to return it to be spared. My plan involves holographic Columbian commandos posing as archangels who will convince the Saudis to send it heaven bound on one of their Chinese ballistic missiles. Also the ersatz archangels will covey Allah’s thanks for protecting the Black Stone by telling the Saudis that their oil wells will never run dry and that they should double their output thereby causing a great pox of economic turmoil and confusion to befall the infidels.
I’ll get us some hard hats.
I hadn’t thought of it that way, but Chris is right.
Buried deep within this narrative I see a perfect critique of the man-made global warming movement. What could be better for them as a motto than:
“Again, we don’t have time to check.”
“We’ve only got 10 years.” “We’ve only got five years.” “We need to cut greenhouse gases by 50%” “No, by 90%.” “No, by 120%.” Apparently we should just rush out and spend a bunch of money doing a bunch of crazy things that might or might not work against a problem that might or might not exist because, “we don’t have time to check.” Frankly, I’d rather paint Mars blue. It seems more productive.
No, we just have to nuke ourselves, then the asteroids won’t care.
End of the world
This message just received from deep space:
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US.
YOU HAVE NO CHANCE
MARK YOUR TIME.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Asteroids play Zero Wing?
badmartin (#7) is thoroughly confoozed; increasing orbital speed moves us closer to the sun and reduces orbital time, so the year will be shorter. And you think we got global warming now? Try living closer to the fire!
#31:
What are you going on about? The sun doesn’t heat up anything – it’s all that carbon dioxide! Didn’t Al Gore teach you anything? It’s pretty ignorant of you to think that some giant ball of superheated gas in our vicinity would have anything to do with the Earth’s temperature!
For example, at night, everyone’s asleep, so they’re exhaling less carbon dioxide and the Earth gets cooler. When everyone wakes up in the day, they start breathing more and the extra carbon dioxide makes the Earth warm up. So simple, even a Democrat could understand the science!
They have gay asteroids?
You puppy killing conservatives have it all wrong. All we have to do is pray to Obamessiah, and mean it, and he will fix it all. It would help if he were elected President, but if you really want it to be a challenge for him do not elect him. Then we can all bask in his Obamessiahness…hell we probably do not even need the sun anymore.
Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian need to be called to testify before congress just like Roger Clemens.
We need to end the threat of Ass Steroids for the sake of the children!
Frank,
I’m glad someone is finally talking about the asteroid menace. But illegal immigration is nothing to scoff at. Are you aware of all the undocumented Eastern European vampires that have slipped through our borders? They’re sucking America dry. What are you going to do about them? Before anyone jumps on me, I’m not saying we should take our eyes off the asteroids, but right now, vampires kill more Americans than asteroids. Please tell me you’ve staked out a position on vampires.
All you chilrens is babies!!
I’m a comin’ after you like stink on a monkey (I know they scare you!)
By the time you see me comin’, I’m already there, and WHAM!! Hee hee hee. Global warming solved.
Uhm, Frank, I’m AMAZED that on THIS website nobody has yet posted this suggestion:
Taking care of an inbound asteroid is a two-step process.
1) Change its or our trajectory so that we capture it into orbit. Now even if it hits us, we will no longer be hit by an asteroid. We will be hit by a moon.
2) Now that it is a moon, do I REALLY need spell this step out?
Frank,
The whole thing about moving earth – it’s easier to move the asteroid. The idea of moving earth with rockets, though is interesting. Someone in Discover magazine years ago proposed that the way to keep earth from getting cooked when the sun goes red giant is to put rockets on the moon and fire them once a month. Pushing the moon tugs the earth gravitationally, without screwing up the atmosphere. Moving planets, though, makes me want to watch the Battle of the Planets episode of Invader Zim again.
Doomy doom doom!!!
This could be better than nuking the Moon!
If we move a menacing asteroid at all, let’s move it enough so that it won’t be a threat ever again.
We could nudge it into the Sun, but it’d be much more satisfying to watch it hit the Moon!
We could have a contest to name the new crater!
Being the only country possessing the technology to move asteroids like pool balls and proving it by slamming one into the Moon (whether it was really a threat originally or not) means we wouldn’t have any trouble with the neighbors playing their music too loud or letting their dogs crap on our lawn for at least a few generations.
(Keep a few in orbit out beyond the Moon just in case further demonstrations are required.)
How to move the asteroid?
Throw something dense but otherwise useless at it at high speed over and over again until the cumulative effect has the desired result.
Hmmm … Something dense and useless, something we’ve got plenty of but which no one will miss … Hey! Algore! Your We-tards want to save the planet right? How’d ya like to win another Nobel prize?
You people disgust me. Using coarse, inflammatory labels like “asteroids” just because they want to destroy us all. You should be calling them “militants.”
Ron Paul: Something Big is Happening!
http://www.campaignforliberty.com/blog/?p=115
We’ll just paint the earth black at the last second, or have David Blaine make us disappear momentarily while holding his breath, and then the asteroids will fly right by us. They will be so disappointed since they put on their cosmic warpaint for nothing, they will go ahead and take out Venus. The downside here is that women will be very upset since that is where they are from. And we’ll need to recall all “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” books and rename it “Men are from Mars, Women are from a mass of floating rocks in space.” Still, I think the book will have handy insights into the separate, but legally equal, thought processes of men and women.
Such negative thoughts! Asteroids are benign entities of nature. If anything they are freedom fighters just like al Qaida in Iraq. The only reason they want to blow up the earth is because we are violating nature in the first place. Rocks are just as important as people, maybe more so since they’ve been around longer. If a rock wants to land on earth, even a very large rock like an asteroid, it has every galactic right to do so, and to try to prevent it is simply arrogant, which is typical of you self defense nuts on the right.
Using the Moon as a gravitational tractor would be an easier way to move the Earth, as Kent pointed out.
However, I’d suggest launching Michael Moore into orbit instead. The Ares V, which will have a payload capacity slightly larger than the Saturn V, might be able to accomplish this. And then use him instead of the moon. This will have four benefits:
1) Michael Moore can be placed into a lower orbit, allowing us to boost more frequently.
2) As Michael Moore is about as heavy as the Moon and will be orbiting much more closely, his effect on the Earth should be significantly larger.
3) Michael Moore generates his own methane for use as fuel.
4) If it doesn’t work, no harm done.
And did you see that Japanese film “Gorath?”
We need to strap rockets to the moon so that we can launch it into the asteroid. It’s like playing pool in space with the the moon as the cue ball. We just need to pocket the asteroid into the sun.
You don’t paint Mars blue! Geez. Its all dirt and stuff and by the time you pressure-wash all that away, its just a little rock!
You get those blue tarps they sell at Wal-Mart (yes, Wal-Mart, the possible savior of Earth–how’s that going to mess with the anti-capitalists’ minds?) and cover the planet with them. Voila…instant blue planet!
45 – “Gorath”, is that the one where they saved the Earth by building huge nuclear rockets at the south pole and moving the whole planet out of the way of an incoming rogue neutron star?
I loved that movie but couldn’t remember its name.
I wasn’t clear on how they planned to move the Earth back into it’s original orbit, since they’d only put rockets at one pole.
And the Moon was destroyed, which would mess up the tides.
Oh well! No plan is perfect!
And the Moon was destroyed, which would mess up the tides.
That was according to Thundarr the Barbarian. The truth is, if we lost the moon due to an asteriod, the moonbats on our planet would all wither up and die. They perpetuate this “tide” theory in an attempt to protect the major component of their destruction. Also unicorns and rainbows might be affected, but who cares?!?
Earth, being the way it is today, a perfect home for all life as we know it, is the result of a series of million to one chances.
If any one of those chances had gone wrong, Earth today might look more like Venus or Mars.
A million to one chance that played out to our benefit was the way we got our Moon.
I wasn’t there but I’ve heard that the Moon formed from a collision between Earth and another proto-planet 4.5 billion years ago.
Some of the rubble was flung out and went into orbit, forming the Moon.
The heavier elements of both planets combined to form the iron-nickel core of our planet, which is why we have a powerful magnetic field, which protects us from the solar wind.
Without the Moon to stablize our rotation and the magnetic field to protect us from radiation, if we orbited a little farther out or a little farther in, if the Sun wasn’t as stable as it is, If Jupiter and the other giant outer planets didn’t act as blockers, absorbing the lions’ share of all infalling rocks and ice chunks out there, etc.
All these million to one shots falling into line make me feel a little bit like Goldilocks.
She didn’t know who made the porriage, she didn’t know how they made the porriage, she didn’t know who the porriage was intended for, but she knew porriage that was Just Right when she saw it!
I like the idea of strapping huge sails to the asteroids (Maybe blue K-Mart tarps sewn togeather). Then guys like Ted Turner who spend millions sailing yachts could sail rocks through space instead and they’d be gone for years at a time!
First, you paint Mars blue. Then you paint Earth red. That will confuse the crap out of those stupid asteroids.